[Fic] Black Satin - 11/14
Title: Black Satin
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Warning: crossdressing
Summary: Out of work, Kyuhyun's last ditch effort lands him a curious roommate - and a job he never expected.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven * Chapter Eight * Chapter Nine * Chapter Ten * Chapter Eleven * Chapter Twelve
***
Zhou Mi had started to be in the apartment less, and it wasn’t like it was a mystery. Preparing for his parents’ visit, he was going shopping for bed to put his parents in in the empty room that Kyuhyun should’ve taken over. It definitely wasn’t something he could be upset over, and in fact it made him happier than he had been because it meant that Zhou Mi meant for him to stay in with him. He could hardly fathom moving after all that time. Even that night they’d fought, Zhou Mi had brought him back. Perhaps Zhou Mi needed him in there with him. There was all the little stuff, like worrying he was going to kick Zhou Mi in the middle of the night or any number of embarrassing things. But after that much time, the worry had kind of just come to sort of an equilibrium. They knew about as much of each other’s bed habits as any married couple did. Just looking over, able to see Zhou Mi’s face. Some of the horrendous longing had sort of faded to this achey sort of want. He couldn’t exactly say he was rushing things, because if they were any slower about it, they’d be going backwards.
But they had a day, concrete this time, for when Zhou Mi’s parents would arrive. And Zhou Mi had not been lying that it would be quick. He followed Zhou Mi around like an apprentice housekeeper doing a deep-level clean in anticipation of the higher level last-minute sweep. Scrubbing areas of the bathroom he didn’t think had been seen since it had been built. Zhou Mi collapsed on the bed beside him, groaning as the muscles in his back released.
“That went a lot quicker with two people,” Zhou Mi said. “Thanks for all your help today.”
“It’s okay. I made friends with the little cracked tile behind the toilet.”
Zhou Mi chuckled, forcing himself onto his side to face Kyuhyun. “They are looking forward to meeting you.”
Would they, if they knew how he felt about their son?
“Oh really?” he asked, cautious.
“Yeah,” Zhou Mi said. “They’ve met most of my roommates, so they’ll be glad they got to meet the latest one.”
He mentally amended “latest” to “last.” And also “most special” since none of them would’ve shared a bed like this. He was struck with a vision of those times when Zhou Mi would cozy up to his side to talk about work. All the times it wouldn’t have taken much more than a suggestive touch to convey desire. He realized he missed that, and that Zhou Mi hadn’t cuddled with him like that in a couple of weeks. Maybe they were tired, or Zhou Mi was stressed by his parents coming.
“Hey,” he said, getting a hold on Zhou Mi’s hand. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Maybe in the morning?” Zhou Mi said, yawning.
“In the morning,” he agreed. Or the next night. Or whenever the nerve took him. Or perhaps the next time he felt Zhou Mi’s arms around him and wanted more than anyone ever should.
***
The last thing that he’d expected was that the kiss at Satin would come back to bite him. Even the snickers at work the next few times hadn’t clued him in, or the time spent with Zhou Mi himself. He had even drifted into the kitchen on the pretense of wanting to help cook, just to get near Zhou Mi. Even if he’d gotten shooed back out again. Those were smiles that he wanted to get. Getting pulled aside by the boss before they could even get out of the club to go home smacked too much of when he’d been reprimanded before. He was sure it wasn’t something he had done, because he’d been paying extra special attention because of it.
“We got a call today from someone who said that one of you should be fired because you are dating behind management’s back,” their boss said. “My first thought was someone out to get revenge on you, Zhou Mi, but I wanted to come to both with this.”
Kyuhyun felt the back of his neck start itching. He knew who the most usual suspect was. The ex, after sneaking into Satin, would’ve really felt his place had been usurped. And though it wasn’t true, he did think that Zhou Mi was dating him. And that they worked together..? It was a vicious attack any way they looked at it.
“Someone accusing us of dating?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Yeah. I hate to have to ask you both this, because that kiss was fun at the time. I know you two are friends, and you live together, but I just wanted to be sure if that was all. We’ve had people who dated each other working here before, and it wasn’t always the best idea. Even without any real sort of relationships between customers and our employees, there was jealousy issues and just general problems. So you can understand our concern.”
Kyuhyun felt he got a more than significant look after that talking-to he had gotten before.
“We’re not dating, and friends? Hah. We just live together,” Kyuhyun said. It had sounded sarcastic in his head, but it came out not quite sounding like he’d meant it to. Not getting either of them in trouble was important. Not getting Zhou Mi in trouble. Their manager’s face was curious, but Zhou Mi’s face was tight. Like he was trying not to react. Well, open mouth, insert foot.
***
He followed Zhou Mi like a puppy to the parking lot. No words had been exchanged as they got their stuff, and left. A little more hurriedly than usual, he thought, watching Zhou Mi’s jerking movements as he threw his bag into the back seat. He didn’t even take Kyuhyun’s bag like he did sometimes, just walking away to let Kyuhyun take care of it himself. And that was fine. He was a big boy.
“What was that about?” he asked when they finally were pulling out of the parking lot.
“What?” Zhou Mi said, his voice sounding off.
“That interrogation. What do they expect from us, that we’d start being crazy if we were dating? It’s not like I’d punch people daily.”
“You think it’s so unlikely that they’d think we’d be together?”
“No?” he said, as though Zhou Mi’s question were kind of dumb. “It’s pretty obvious why, I guess, since we’re always together. He just caught me off guard. I hate shooting my mouth off like that.”
Zhou Mi rattled the keys where they hung, reaching for the radio before thinking better of it.
Kyuhyun had his own topic to think better of. Making sure Zhou Mi wasn’t angry because of what he’d said. Sure it’d made him feel less embarrassed, trying to make a joke, but even an idiot could tell Zhou Mi was off. “Did you want to get something to eat on the way home?”
Get something to eat, maybe make out a little. He tried to read Zhou Mi’s face, and it was closed to him.
“Ice cream?” he pressed, jiggling Zhou Mi’s arm in a way that usually got a laugh.
“No, I feel like just going home today,” Zhou Mi said.
“Okay. Some other time.”
Maybe it’d give him a few more minutes to figure out how to bring it up without sounding like an idiot. Hey, Zhou Mi, so you realize I don’t only think of you as my friend, right? The only problem was that his head was a big black hole.
“Go ahead and shower,” Zhou Mi said, almost the second they were inside. “I have some stuff I need to do.”
He wished he used those minutes in the shower wisely, like trying to formulate his plan of attack, how to draw out Zhou Mi. Get him out of his funk, make him forget that Kyuhyun was a stupid idiot. Maybe there was still ice cream left in the fridge that he could tempt Zhou Mi with. Maybe sitting in his lap and feeding it to him. All he got was a lot of fuzz from his head and nothing helpful in the least. There was no way of getting around talking about actual feelings or actual wants when having a conversation about what Kyuhyun thought of their friendship.
But Zhou Mi wasn’t in their bedroom, or in the kitchen. He almost was convinced Zhou Mi had left when he saw the light from inside the spare room where Kyuhyun had stashed some of his stuff. It was empty, though, in preparation for the next day’s bed delivery. He figured Zhou Mi’s parents would have suitcases, so all his stuff had been moved to Zhou Mi’s room. Basically he was invading Zhou Mi even more than normal.
“What’s up?” he asked, seeing Zhou Mi leaning against the bedroom wall.
“I’m just seeing how much space is in here, so we can get more furniture. You’ll need more than a bed. I’m sorry I put it off this long. My parents can use it when they come, and we can move you in here after.”
Sure, they had talked about setting up the bed for Zhou Mi’s parents, but that Zhou Mi meant to fully furnish it, for him to use? That meant leaving Zhou Mi’s room, finally really moving into his own. Getting more than a pallet on the floor.
Leaving Zhou Mi’s bed. Zhou Mi had been so cute, working him into being okay staying in his bed, and now he was trying to get him out. His goal tonight had been to cheer up Zhou Mi, not bring on an all-out moving process.
“You, um. You don’t want me staying in with you any more?”
Zhou Mi shook his head. “It’s fine, but you need your own space. I think.”
Fine wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but it was also off. Fine was him staying just where he was until he figured out what to do about the both of them. Moving out of Zhou Mi’s bed was admitting he was moving out of the gray area he had moved himself into, and into something very black and white. The area that told him that his chance, whatever chance he’d had, was officially gone. Of course, when he let himself actually breathe, crawling into his space, in their bed, he wondered at Zhou Mi’s sudden mood. That meeting with the manager, his stupid words.
“When have I complained?” Kyuhyun demanded, following Zhou Mi as he flipped off the light and went back to their bedroom. “You haven’t said anything about this, so why now?”
“You’ll have a bed after tomorrow, so..? And then, then I wouldn’t have to bother you any more,” Zhou Mi continued. “So it would all work out, really.”
“You don’t…bother me? Is that what you think? I’m the one who’s bothering you, if anything.”
“You said you were looking forward to not being my roommate,” Zhou Mi bit out. “I know you were drunk, but you sounded sincere.”
“There’s no way I said that!”
“You said, when we start dating, you won’t have to be my roommate any more, Kui Xian.”
“When we start dating? We? You thought I meant if you found a boyfriend or something?” Zhou Mi’s confirmation was him more or less not meeting his eyes. He’d all but confessed to Zhou Mi directly. Maybe his mouth wasn’t so stupid after all.
“Like you said, we’re staying together,” Zhou Mi continued without Kyuhyun’s brain’s acceptance. “Not friends, or…”
“The hell we’re not,” Kyuhyun choked out. “I didn’t mean that we weren’t friends. You know better than that.”
“You think it’s so unlikely that they’d think we’d be together?” Zhou Mi had asked. No, not unlikely. Did that mean that Zhou Mi thought that they had some kind of chance together?
Zhou Mi wouldn’t meet his eyes as he settled on the bed and that made his stomach sink slightly. Zhou Mi thought that he didn’t even think of him as a friend? And then much less someone he’d nearly trade a leg to date. That made him kind of an idiot, if he was willing to give up a limb for the man, and then couldn’t even open his stupid mouth to say, Hey, I like you. Want to go out with me?
Zhou Mi leaned forward against his own drawn-up knees. “Then why did you say that we weren’t at Satin?”
So many reasons. Not wanting to seem like he was pining after Zhou Mi, wanting to take some of the pressure off of them in an awkward moment. He had no idea. And if Zhou Mi was festering a thought that Kyuhyun didn’t even think of them as friends, then what chance did he have of Zhou Mi thinking they could date?
“It didn’t come out right. Hey.” He poked at Zhou Mi’s side, finally getting Zhou Mi to look at him. “You’re not just my friend. I was right about that. I think, sometimes I think you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Zhou Mi’s eyes closed on a shuddering laugh that wasn’t very amused. “That’s good, Kui Xian. I’m glad.”
But that wasn’t really the whole story, was it? He’d told Zhou Mi just the barest tip of the story, the first words, not even the whole first line. There was a novel waiting to be read, or written, or something. A month of things he’d held back, and longer of denial. It wasn’t enough just to wait any more. If Zhou Mi didn’t feel the same…? No, he couldn’t even kid himself any more. He’d been able to set aside his pride to dress like he’d never considered before. And that was not indifference he saw on Zhou Mi’s face, it was hurt. And it was because of him.
“I mean, that’s not just it, I just-” Kyuhyun swallowed, using his knees to edge forward. “You misunderstood me. I like you, a lot. When I said I didn’t want to be your roommate, I meant it. Because I’ve been wanting to be your boyfriend. Would you go out with me? On a date. You and me.”
He wasn’t going to let some kind of botched phrasing, some misunderstanding, screw it up this time. Zhou Mi’s brows furrowed, and it made Kyuhyun’s insides knot. He was on shaky ground, and he knew it. They’d been standing besides this bed not a week before, holding each other, and he’d wanted. And then somehow he’d screwed it up. He wanted, too much really. So much that Zhou Mi knew what was inside of him… All Zhou Mi had to do was accept, give him one date, one chance. He guaranteed himself that Zhou Mi would have the best time ever. They’d do whatever he wanted. If he just had that shot.
“You want to date me?” Zhou Mi, all inscrutable eyes, clarified, as though he needed to be sure.
“Yes. I’ve been driving myself crazy, wanting to ask you.”
Did he sound desperate? He thought he did. And for good reason, the way that Zhou Mi’s eyes were so serious as they contemplated him.
“I’ve been convincing myself to give up on you,” Zhou Mi said, his voice so soft that at first he could not make out the words.
He wondered if his toes curled under because that could somehow protect him from Zhou Mi’s words. “Why?”
“Because, it didn’t seem like you cared if I tried to date someone, and you said you didn’t want to be my roommate anymore,” Zhou Mi said, considering him like he was some kind of stranger. “When you moved in, I thought there might be something… But it seemed like you were pulling away.”
“Being your roommate wasn’t dating you. I might’ve tried giving up on you, too, but…” Even the thought of it was hard to consider. “I don’t think I could’ve, Zhou Mi. I’ve just been…really, really stupid.”
“You just never said anything.”
“How was I supposed to? That could’ve really made things awkward, if you didn’t want to? Every time you went on one of those stupid blind dates, I just. Ugh.”
“I kept hoping that you’d tell me that you didn’t want me to go,” Zhou Mi told him.
He tried so hard to keep his head together as he processed Zhou Mi’s words. If Zhou Mi had been trying to give up on him, wanted Kyuhyun to say something, then there was some reality to Zhou Mi liking him. Heechul had seemed to think so. And he, in his idiocy, had hardly been inclined to hope. But that meant there was something to build on. If he hadn’t told Zhou Mi then, he at least had a chance now.
“I’m not psychic,” Kyuhyun pointed out, trying to keep his stomach under control. “But believe me, those nights were torture. Waiting for you to get back, hoping you didn’t like the guy.”
“You seemed in a bad mood when I got back,” Zhou Mi mused. “But you never said anything. Everything we did together made me hope, but then nothing happened. Kui Xian, this isn’t a joke? You’re sure?”
There was some wariness there, afraid of a joke that would be too cruel. Zhou Mi and his soft heart could be so easily hurt. He didn’t want this to be like some kind of test, some kind of thing where all he got was a couple of months of fun. He’d had a few months with Zhou Mi, knew all the bad habits that living with someone would show, though he knew there were probably others that he didn’t know about yet. He didn’t want to hurt Zhou Mi. He didn’t know anything past this moment, right here. Where he had a big stick of a man hovering beside him, soft eyes, wet mouth. So gorgeous and right and impossible that it seemed like he wasn’t actually living the moment. He couldn’t be. But he was.
“A joke?” Kyuhyun clarified. “Any guy with two brain cells should be chasing after you. And they don’t even know you like I do, because we are friends.”
He caught a glimpse of Zhou Mi’s knuckles, tight and pale as they clutched the blanket. Like he was trying to keep himself from reaching out. He did the only thing that seemed right at the time, and covered the cool skin with his own hand. Zhou Mi nearly shuddered, exhaling.
“It’s just too much. Too quick.” Zhou Mi’s voice was tight, desperate, as though he was holding himself together with fragile string. “I’m not telling you no, Kui Xian. Everything in me wants just to… Can I have some time to think?”
Maybe to orient his thoughts to where Kyuhyun was an option again. Zhou Mi deserved that. Maybe it was both their fault that it had gone on this long unresolved, but he figured that they could get their head around it, just a little.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s okay.”
But he kind of felt like he was shaking as he lay back. Cursing mentally, over and over. Thinking about it meant Zhou Mi going over all the times Kyuhyun had said something stupid and hurt Zhou Mi’s feelings and… And he had to lay there and pretend to sleep, that he wasn’t worried, that he was cool about giving Zhou Mi time when all he wanted to do was roll over and shake Zhou Mi and tell him about all the worry he’d put himself through. If only Zhou Mi saw how much he cared, and that allowing Zhou Mi time wasn’t some kind of indifference, or some sign that he was just halfhearted, or…
He closed his eyes, almost reaching out before thinking better of it, but inhaling, drawing courage from that almost intangible hope he’d seen Zhou Mi’s eyes. If ever there was a time to speak, it was then. For all he knew, Zhou Mi thought he was turned on by the clothes he wore at Satin, or that he was just horny and thought Zhou Mi was convenient. And he didn’t even know what he really could tell him, that wouldn’t be completely stupid and incompetent sounding. You’re really nice, and cute, and hot, just didn’t quite cut it. But something, at least, would give Zhou Mi something more specific to think about. He cleared his throat, swallowing against the tightness.
“You have no idea how special you are,” he said, staring at some spot beyond Zhou Mi’s head. “Your ex, you were worth way more than him. Probably more than me. We just have a lot of fun together, and you have that smile? You turn me on and make me laugh. So in case you wondered why…?”
His hand jerked at the unexpected touch, but Zhou Mi was insistent, threading their fingers together. Squeezing. As reassurance and comfort, it mostly worked, the muscles in his back letting go. Surely…Surely that meant that things were going to be okay. He stroked Zhou Mi’s finger with his thumb a couple of times and let out a long breath. Caring about someone was a big pain in the ass, and then made so much better by such a little thing as contact. It didn’t even make sense.
He held his breath as Zhou Mi crept closer across the bed, making out his features in the dark as they faced each other from the edges of their pillows.
“Thank you, Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi inhaled sharply, then speaking so quickly that his words nearly tumbled over themselves, “I couldn’t have gone out with any of those guys my friends introduced me to, because none of them were you.”
Every fantasy he had harbored, of having Zhou Mi confess, of hearing words of assurance from Zhou Mi, none of them came close to that declaration. An octopus would’ve been proud, because when he heard Zhou Mi’s voice give slightly, with the emotion Zhou Mi released in that one statement, he got his arm solidly around Zhou Mi’s ribs. And to his relief, he was welcomed, pulled in. The same nervous vibration he felt in himself rumbling Zhou Mi’s shoulders, too. It hadn’t even been a day since the last time Zhou Mi had hugged him, but it seemed like longer. And it didn’t matter how tight that they tried to hold on to each other, after the last tense minutes, he felt like he could breathe again. Zhou Mi had him now. All he had to do was take what Kyuhyun was offering.
“I probably would’ve kicked their asses if you had,” he said staunchly, rewarded with Zhou Mi’s laughter. Yeah, he guessed that was kind of a funny picture. He inhaled against Zhou Mi’s neck, rubbing his back with awkward strokes. “So I guess you had your chance to play the field.”
“But I’m here, huh?”
He tried not to let Zhou Mi’s words blaze through him. Tried. Yeah, he was right there, with Kyuhyun. He would’ve done anything he could have to bring him luck, with the words he wanted to say next. Anything.
“We could take it slow, you know?” he ventured, playing with the short hairs at the back of Zhou Mi’s neck. “We don’t have to rush forward. Just… I don’t even know.”
Kind of like an audition, or an internship leading up to being hired. Or maybe it was just about both of them being themselves, since that was why they’d wanted each other in the first place.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi said, thrilling him. “I’d like that. We have somewhere to start from?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
A start and not an end. Acceptance and not rejection. He grinned, unable to help himself. Zhou Mi seemed reluctant to let him go. The tip of his nose just barely skimmed Zhou Mi’s cheek. He pressed a kiss, rushed, to the soft skin beside Zhou Mi’s mouth, pushing himself back far enough that he was back to his own pillow. And this time it was him gripping Zhou Mi’s hand, pulling it up against his mouth, as he listened to Zhou Mi breathe. A place to start from.
“Sleep well, Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi told him, and he could hear the smile there. It was the feel of their fingers joined that soothed him. Warmth that swamped all his anxiety, blanketed him, and sent him tumbling into sleep.
***
Author: Coley Merrin
Rating: R
Pairing: Zhou Mi/Kyuhyun
Genre: AU, Romance
Warning: crossdressing
Summary: Out of work, Kyuhyun's last ditch effort lands him a curious roommate - and a job he never expected.
Chapter One * Chapter Two * Chapter Three * Chapter Four * Chapter Five * Chapter Six * Chapter Seven * Chapter Eight * Chapter Nine * Chapter Ten * Chapter Eleven * Chapter Twelve
***
Zhou Mi had started to be in the apartment less, and it wasn’t like it was a mystery. Preparing for his parents’ visit, he was going shopping for bed to put his parents in in the empty room that Kyuhyun should’ve taken over. It definitely wasn’t something he could be upset over, and in fact it made him happier than he had been because it meant that Zhou Mi meant for him to stay in with him. He could hardly fathom moving after all that time. Even that night they’d fought, Zhou Mi had brought him back. Perhaps Zhou Mi needed him in there with him. There was all the little stuff, like worrying he was going to kick Zhou Mi in the middle of the night or any number of embarrassing things. But after that much time, the worry had kind of just come to sort of an equilibrium. They knew about as much of each other’s bed habits as any married couple did. Just looking over, able to see Zhou Mi’s face. Some of the horrendous longing had sort of faded to this achey sort of want. He couldn’t exactly say he was rushing things, because if they were any slower about it, they’d be going backwards.
But they had a day, concrete this time, for when Zhou Mi’s parents would arrive. And Zhou Mi had not been lying that it would be quick. He followed Zhou Mi around like an apprentice housekeeper doing a deep-level clean in anticipation of the higher level last-minute sweep. Scrubbing areas of the bathroom he didn’t think had been seen since it had been built. Zhou Mi collapsed on the bed beside him, groaning as the muscles in his back released.
“That went a lot quicker with two people,” Zhou Mi said. “Thanks for all your help today.”
“It’s okay. I made friends with the little cracked tile behind the toilet.”
Zhou Mi chuckled, forcing himself onto his side to face Kyuhyun. “They are looking forward to meeting you.”
Would they, if they knew how he felt about their son?
“Oh really?” he asked, cautious.
“Yeah,” Zhou Mi said. “They’ve met most of my roommates, so they’ll be glad they got to meet the latest one.”
He mentally amended “latest” to “last.” And also “most special” since none of them would’ve shared a bed like this. He was struck with a vision of those times when Zhou Mi would cozy up to his side to talk about work. All the times it wouldn’t have taken much more than a suggestive touch to convey desire. He realized he missed that, and that Zhou Mi hadn’t cuddled with him like that in a couple of weeks. Maybe they were tired, or Zhou Mi was stressed by his parents coming.
“Hey,” he said, getting a hold on Zhou Mi’s hand. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Maybe in the morning?” Zhou Mi said, yawning.
“In the morning,” he agreed. Or the next night. Or whenever the nerve took him. Or perhaps the next time he felt Zhou Mi’s arms around him and wanted more than anyone ever should.
***
The last thing that he’d expected was that the kiss at Satin would come back to bite him. Even the snickers at work the next few times hadn’t clued him in, or the time spent with Zhou Mi himself. He had even drifted into the kitchen on the pretense of wanting to help cook, just to get near Zhou Mi. Even if he’d gotten shooed back out again. Those were smiles that he wanted to get. Getting pulled aside by the boss before they could even get out of the club to go home smacked too much of when he’d been reprimanded before. He was sure it wasn’t something he had done, because he’d been paying extra special attention because of it.
“We got a call today from someone who said that one of you should be fired because you are dating behind management’s back,” their boss said. “My first thought was someone out to get revenge on you, Zhou Mi, but I wanted to come to both with this.”
Kyuhyun felt the back of his neck start itching. He knew who the most usual suspect was. The ex, after sneaking into Satin, would’ve really felt his place had been usurped. And though it wasn’t true, he did think that Zhou Mi was dating him. And that they worked together..? It was a vicious attack any way they looked at it.
“Someone accusing us of dating?” Zhou Mi asked.
“Yeah. I hate to have to ask you both this, because that kiss was fun at the time. I know you two are friends, and you live together, but I just wanted to be sure if that was all. We’ve had people who dated each other working here before, and it wasn’t always the best idea. Even without any real sort of relationships between customers and our employees, there was jealousy issues and just general problems. So you can understand our concern.”
Kyuhyun felt he got a more than significant look after that talking-to he had gotten before.
“We’re not dating, and friends? Hah. We just live together,” Kyuhyun said. It had sounded sarcastic in his head, but it came out not quite sounding like he’d meant it to. Not getting either of them in trouble was important. Not getting Zhou Mi in trouble. Their manager’s face was curious, but Zhou Mi’s face was tight. Like he was trying not to react. Well, open mouth, insert foot.
***
He followed Zhou Mi like a puppy to the parking lot. No words had been exchanged as they got their stuff, and left. A little more hurriedly than usual, he thought, watching Zhou Mi’s jerking movements as he threw his bag into the back seat. He didn’t even take Kyuhyun’s bag like he did sometimes, just walking away to let Kyuhyun take care of it himself. And that was fine. He was a big boy.
“What was that about?” he asked when they finally were pulling out of the parking lot.
“What?” Zhou Mi said, his voice sounding off.
“That interrogation. What do they expect from us, that we’d start being crazy if we were dating? It’s not like I’d punch people daily.”
“You think it’s so unlikely that they’d think we’d be together?”
“No?” he said, as though Zhou Mi’s question were kind of dumb. “It’s pretty obvious why, I guess, since we’re always together. He just caught me off guard. I hate shooting my mouth off like that.”
Zhou Mi rattled the keys where they hung, reaching for the radio before thinking better of it.
Kyuhyun had his own topic to think better of. Making sure Zhou Mi wasn’t angry because of what he’d said. Sure it’d made him feel less embarrassed, trying to make a joke, but even an idiot could tell Zhou Mi was off. “Did you want to get something to eat on the way home?”
Get something to eat, maybe make out a little. He tried to read Zhou Mi’s face, and it was closed to him.
“Ice cream?” he pressed, jiggling Zhou Mi’s arm in a way that usually got a laugh.
“No, I feel like just going home today,” Zhou Mi said.
“Okay. Some other time.”
Maybe it’d give him a few more minutes to figure out how to bring it up without sounding like an idiot. Hey, Zhou Mi, so you realize I don’t only think of you as my friend, right? The only problem was that his head was a big black hole.
“Go ahead and shower,” Zhou Mi said, almost the second they were inside. “I have some stuff I need to do.”
He wished he used those minutes in the shower wisely, like trying to formulate his plan of attack, how to draw out Zhou Mi. Get him out of his funk, make him forget that Kyuhyun was a stupid idiot. Maybe there was still ice cream left in the fridge that he could tempt Zhou Mi with. Maybe sitting in his lap and feeding it to him. All he got was a lot of fuzz from his head and nothing helpful in the least. There was no way of getting around talking about actual feelings or actual wants when having a conversation about what Kyuhyun thought of their friendship.
But Zhou Mi wasn’t in their bedroom, or in the kitchen. He almost was convinced Zhou Mi had left when he saw the light from inside the spare room where Kyuhyun had stashed some of his stuff. It was empty, though, in preparation for the next day’s bed delivery. He figured Zhou Mi’s parents would have suitcases, so all his stuff had been moved to Zhou Mi’s room. Basically he was invading Zhou Mi even more than normal.
“What’s up?” he asked, seeing Zhou Mi leaning against the bedroom wall.
“I’m just seeing how much space is in here, so we can get more furniture. You’ll need more than a bed. I’m sorry I put it off this long. My parents can use it when they come, and we can move you in here after.”
Sure, they had talked about setting up the bed for Zhou Mi’s parents, but that Zhou Mi meant to fully furnish it, for him to use? That meant leaving Zhou Mi’s room, finally really moving into his own. Getting more than a pallet on the floor.
Leaving Zhou Mi’s bed. Zhou Mi had been so cute, working him into being okay staying in his bed, and now he was trying to get him out. His goal tonight had been to cheer up Zhou Mi, not bring on an all-out moving process.
“You, um. You don’t want me staying in with you any more?”
Zhou Mi shook his head. “It’s fine, but you need your own space. I think.”
Fine wasn’t a ringing endorsement, but it was also off. Fine was him staying just where he was until he figured out what to do about the both of them. Moving out of Zhou Mi’s bed was admitting he was moving out of the gray area he had moved himself into, and into something very black and white. The area that told him that his chance, whatever chance he’d had, was officially gone. Of course, when he let himself actually breathe, crawling into his space, in their bed, he wondered at Zhou Mi’s sudden mood. That meeting with the manager, his stupid words.
“When have I complained?” Kyuhyun demanded, following Zhou Mi as he flipped off the light and went back to their bedroom. “You haven’t said anything about this, so why now?”
“You’ll have a bed after tomorrow, so..? And then, then I wouldn’t have to bother you any more,” Zhou Mi continued. “So it would all work out, really.”
“You don’t…bother me? Is that what you think? I’m the one who’s bothering you, if anything.”
“You said you were looking forward to not being my roommate,” Zhou Mi bit out. “I know you were drunk, but you sounded sincere.”
“There’s no way I said that!”
“You said, when we start dating, you won’t have to be my roommate any more, Kui Xian.”
“When we start dating? We? You thought I meant if you found a boyfriend or something?” Zhou Mi’s confirmation was him more or less not meeting his eyes. He’d all but confessed to Zhou Mi directly. Maybe his mouth wasn’t so stupid after all.
“Like you said, we’re staying together,” Zhou Mi continued without Kyuhyun’s brain’s acceptance. “Not friends, or…”
“The hell we’re not,” Kyuhyun choked out. “I didn’t mean that we weren’t friends. You know better than that.”
“You think it’s so unlikely that they’d think we’d be together?” Zhou Mi had asked. No, not unlikely. Did that mean that Zhou Mi thought that they had some kind of chance together?
Zhou Mi wouldn’t meet his eyes as he settled on the bed and that made his stomach sink slightly. Zhou Mi thought that he didn’t even think of him as a friend? And then much less someone he’d nearly trade a leg to date. That made him kind of an idiot, if he was willing to give up a limb for the man, and then couldn’t even open his stupid mouth to say, Hey, I like you. Want to go out with me?
Zhou Mi leaned forward against his own drawn-up knees. “Then why did you say that we weren’t at Satin?”
So many reasons. Not wanting to seem like he was pining after Zhou Mi, wanting to take some of the pressure off of them in an awkward moment. He had no idea. And if Zhou Mi was festering a thought that Kyuhyun didn’t even think of them as friends, then what chance did he have of Zhou Mi thinking they could date?
“It didn’t come out right. Hey.” He poked at Zhou Mi’s side, finally getting Zhou Mi to look at him. “You’re not just my friend. I was right about that. I think, sometimes I think you’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
Zhou Mi’s eyes closed on a shuddering laugh that wasn’t very amused. “That’s good, Kui Xian. I’m glad.”
But that wasn’t really the whole story, was it? He’d told Zhou Mi just the barest tip of the story, the first words, not even the whole first line. There was a novel waiting to be read, or written, or something. A month of things he’d held back, and longer of denial. It wasn’t enough just to wait any more. If Zhou Mi didn’t feel the same…? No, he couldn’t even kid himself any more. He’d been able to set aside his pride to dress like he’d never considered before. And that was not indifference he saw on Zhou Mi’s face, it was hurt. And it was because of him.
“I mean, that’s not just it, I just-” Kyuhyun swallowed, using his knees to edge forward. “You misunderstood me. I like you, a lot. When I said I didn’t want to be your roommate, I meant it. Because I’ve been wanting to be your boyfriend. Would you go out with me? On a date. You and me.”
He wasn’t going to let some kind of botched phrasing, some misunderstanding, screw it up this time. Zhou Mi’s brows furrowed, and it made Kyuhyun’s insides knot. He was on shaky ground, and he knew it. They’d been standing besides this bed not a week before, holding each other, and he’d wanted. And then somehow he’d screwed it up. He wanted, too much really. So much that Zhou Mi knew what was inside of him… All Zhou Mi had to do was accept, give him one date, one chance. He guaranteed himself that Zhou Mi would have the best time ever. They’d do whatever he wanted. If he just had that shot.
“You want to date me?” Zhou Mi, all inscrutable eyes, clarified, as though he needed to be sure.
“Yes. I’ve been driving myself crazy, wanting to ask you.”
Did he sound desperate? He thought he did. And for good reason, the way that Zhou Mi’s eyes were so serious as they contemplated him.
“I’ve been convincing myself to give up on you,” Zhou Mi said, his voice so soft that at first he could not make out the words.
He wondered if his toes curled under because that could somehow protect him from Zhou Mi’s words. “Why?”
“Because, it didn’t seem like you cared if I tried to date someone, and you said you didn’t want to be my roommate anymore,” Zhou Mi said, considering him like he was some kind of stranger. “When you moved in, I thought there might be something… But it seemed like you were pulling away.”
“Being your roommate wasn’t dating you. I might’ve tried giving up on you, too, but…” Even the thought of it was hard to consider. “I don’t think I could’ve, Zhou Mi. I’ve just been…really, really stupid.”
“You just never said anything.”
“How was I supposed to? That could’ve really made things awkward, if you didn’t want to? Every time you went on one of those stupid blind dates, I just. Ugh.”
“I kept hoping that you’d tell me that you didn’t want me to go,” Zhou Mi told him.
He tried so hard to keep his head together as he processed Zhou Mi’s words. If Zhou Mi had been trying to give up on him, wanted Kyuhyun to say something, then there was some reality to Zhou Mi liking him. Heechul had seemed to think so. And he, in his idiocy, had hardly been inclined to hope. But that meant there was something to build on. If he hadn’t told Zhou Mi then, he at least had a chance now.
“I’m not psychic,” Kyuhyun pointed out, trying to keep his stomach under control. “But believe me, those nights were torture. Waiting for you to get back, hoping you didn’t like the guy.”
“You seemed in a bad mood when I got back,” Zhou Mi mused. “But you never said anything. Everything we did together made me hope, but then nothing happened. Kui Xian, this isn’t a joke? You’re sure?”
There was some wariness there, afraid of a joke that would be too cruel. Zhou Mi and his soft heart could be so easily hurt. He didn’t want this to be like some kind of test, some kind of thing where all he got was a couple of months of fun. He’d had a few months with Zhou Mi, knew all the bad habits that living with someone would show, though he knew there were probably others that he didn’t know about yet. He didn’t want to hurt Zhou Mi. He didn’t know anything past this moment, right here. Where he had a big stick of a man hovering beside him, soft eyes, wet mouth. So gorgeous and right and impossible that it seemed like he wasn’t actually living the moment. He couldn’t be. But he was.
“A joke?” Kyuhyun clarified. “Any guy with two brain cells should be chasing after you. And they don’t even know you like I do, because we are friends.”
He caught a glimpse of Zhou Mi’s knuckles, tight and pale as they clutched the blanket. Like he was trying to keep himself from reaching out. He did the only thing that seemed right at the time, and covered the cool skin with his own hand. Zhou Mi nearly shuddered, exhaling.
“It’s just too much. Too quick.” Zhou Mi’s voice was tight, desperate, as though he was holding himself together with fragile string. “I’m not telling you no, Kui Xian. Everything in me wants just to… Can I have some time to think?”
Maybe to orient his thoughts to where Kyuhyun was an option again. Zhou Mi deserved that. Maybe it was both their fault that it had gone on this long unresolved, but he figured that they could get their head around it, just a little.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s okay.”
But he kind of felt like he was shaking as he lay back. Cursing mentally, over and over. Thinking about it meant Zhou Mi going over all the times Kyuhyun had said something stupid and hurt Zhou Mi’s feelings and… And he had to lay there and pretend to sleep, that he wasn’t worried, that he was cool about giving Zhou Mi time when all he wanted to do was roll over and shake Zhou Mi and tell him about all the worry he’d put himself through. If only Zhou Mi saw how much he cared, and that allowing Zhou Mi time wasn’t some kind of indifference, or some sign that he was just halfhearted, or…
He closed his eyes, almost reaching out before thinking better of it, but inhaling, drawing courage from that almost intangible hope he’d seen Zhou Mi’s eyes. If ever there was a time to speak, it was then. For all he knew, Zhou Mi thought he was turned on by the clothes he wore at Satin, or that he was just horny and thought Zhou Mi was convenient. And he didn’t even know what he really could tell him, that wouldn’t be completely stupid and incompetent sounding. You’re really nice, and cute, and hot, just didn’t quite cut it. But something, at least, would give Zhou Mi something more specific to think about. He cleared his throat, swallowing against the tightness.
“You have no idea how special you are,” he said, staring at some spot beyond Zhou Mi’s head. “Your ex, you were worth way more than him. Probably more than me. We just have a lot of fun together, and you have that smile? You turn me on and make me laugh. So in case you wondered why…?”
His hand jerked at the unexpected touch, but Zhou Mi was insistent, threading their fingers together. Squeezing. As reassurance and comfort, it mostly worked, the muscles in his back letting go. Surely…Surely that meant that things were going to be okay. He stroked Zhou Mi’s finger with his thumb a couple of times and let out a long breath. Caring about someone was a big pain in the ass, and then made so much better by such a little thing as contact. It didn’t even make sense.
He held his breath as Zhou Mi crept closer across the bed, making out his features in the dark as they faced each other from the edges of their pillows.
“Thank you, Kui Xian.” Zhou Mi inhaled sharply, then speaking so quickly that his words nearly tumbled over themselves, “I couldn’t have gone out with any of those guys my friends introduced me to, because none of them were you.”
Every fantasy he had harbored, of having Zhou Mi confess, of hearing words of assurance from Zhou Mi, none of them came close to that declaration. An octopus would’ve been proud, because when he heard Zhou Mi’s voice give slightly, with the emotion Zhou Mi released in that one statement, he got his arm solidly around Zhou Mi’s ribs. And to his relief, he was welcomed, pulled in. The same nervous vibration he felt in himself rumbling Zhou Mi’s shoulders, too. It hadn’t even been a day since the last time Zhou Mi had hugged him, but it seemed like longer. And it didn’t matter how tight that they tried to hold on to each other, after the last tense minutes, he felt like he could breathe again. Zhou Mi had him now. All he had to do was take what Kyuhyun was offering.
“I probably would’ve kicked their asses if you had,” he said staunchly, rewarded with Zhou Mi’s laughter. Yeah, he guessed that was kind of a funny picture. He inhaled against Zhou Mi’s neck, rubbing his back with awkward strokes. “So I guess you had your chance to play the field.”
“But I’m here, huh?”
He tried not to let Zhou Mi’s words blaze through him. Tried. Yeah, he was right there, with Kyuhyun. He would’ve done anything he could have to bring him luck, with the words he wanted to say next. Anything.
“We could take it slow, you know?” he ventured, playing with the short hairs at the back of Zhou Mi’s neck. “We don’t have to rush forward. Just… I don’t even know.”
Kind of like an audition, or an internship leading up to being hired. Or maybe it was just about both of them being themselves, since that was why they’d wanted each other in the first place.
“Yes,” Zhou Mi said, thrilling him. “I’d like that. We have somewhere to start from?”
“Yeah, exactly.”
A start and not an end. Acceptance and not rejection. He grinned, unable to help himself. Zhou Mi seemed reluctant to let him go. The tip of his nose just barely skimmed Zhou Mi’s cheek. He pressed a kiss, rushed, to the soft skin beside Zhou Mi’s mouth, pushing himself back far enough that he was back to his own pillow. And this time it was him gripping Zhou Mi’s hand, pulling it up against his mouth, as he listened to Zhou Mi breathe. A place to start from.
“Sleep well, Kui Xian,” Zhou Mi told him, and he could hear the smile there. It was the feel of their fingers joined that soothed him. Warmth that swamped all his anxiety, blanketed him, and sent him tumbling into sleep.
***