The Merits of Television (A KAT-TUN/NewS fic)
Title: The advantages of television
Universe: JE
Theme: TV
Rating: PG
Characters: NewS, KAT-TUN
Pairing: Various
Warning: Crack!
Summary: After a hard day of work what better to do than watch TV? A bunch of drabbles…
Disclaimer: I will never own them unless I’m mystically related to Johnny and Mary
Title: The advantages of television
Universe: JE
Theme: TV
Rating: PG
Characters: NewS, KAT-TUN
Pairing: Various
Warning: Crack!
Summary: After a hard day of work what better to do than watch TV? A bunch of drabbles…
Disclaimer: I will never own them unless I’m mystically related to Johnny and Mary
A/N: Even though I’m in the midst of writing “Obsessed Much?” I got distracted and this was created. I will get back to OM once this is done, I promise. Enjoy!
1. Tv melts your brain
Jin sighed in relief and flopped down on the couch, a hand reaching out for the remote.
“TV….aaahhhh…”
He closed his eyes and felt blindly for it, but for a TV freak like him (Jin preferred the term ‘dedicated’) the remote was easily found. As his fingers wrapped themselves around it something sharp found its way into his skin, jabbed ever so viciously. Jin howled like a mating walrus and crashed backwards into the couch, toppling it over and knocking the table covered in the costumes in all their spangly, sparkly glory. Nishikido Ryo stood over him looking unimpressed, a sewing needle held in one hand.
“No TV. I want to relax.”
Jin’s mouth opened and closed like some massively retarded goldfish as he pointed at Ryo.
“Who made you boss?! Gimme!”
Jin flung himself at Ryo, arms outstretched and teeth bared. Ryo sidestepped. Jin hit the wall.
“We’ve just gone through 3 concerts, a recording, and your daily stupidity. I don’t want to waste the hour we have watching the trash you call ‘genius’. Just because your intellect is less than a dinosaur’s doesn’t mean I should suffer.”
Jin glared triumphantly at Ryo and let out a yell.
“Haha! So you admit I’m cleverer than you!”
Ryo stared.
“What?”
“You admit it! I’m cleverer than you! I mean, I’m already more popular, sexy, tall…”
Ryo seethed.
“…strong, manly, muscular and nice, but now you admit I’m smarter? Hahahahaha!”
“You’ve been affected Bakanishi, I never said-“
Jin cut in, eyes gleaming.
“You said my IQ was less than a dinosaur’s. Dinosaurs were huge which means my intellect is also huge! You finally admit your lowliness to my obvious superiority! Ah Ryo…don’t worry. It’s to be expected from someone who comes from Osaka.”
Somewhere the rest of Kanjani8 and Uchi sneezed. Ryo blinked for a minute then burst into laughter.
“Idiot, a dinosaur had a brain the size of a pea! Yours is even smaller, its probably so small it’s microscopic! Dork!”
Jin looked offended.
“How dare you call me a whale’s penis!”
Ryo twitched.
“Dork.”
2. You know you’re obsessed when…
Koki glanced over at Jin who was crouched in a corner, a small rain cloud growing above his head.
“What’s up with him?”
Nakamaru shrugged.
“Dunno. He’s been like that for an hour...no clue what happened.”
Pi walked into the room. Jin looked up.
“Yo.” He gave his ‘kon-kon’ sign. Immediately Jin sprang up and started shaking Yamapi, his eyes wide and teary.
“Pi, why won’t you be a good daughter and do as Daddy says? Just wear a dress for Daddy, just one day! Look, it even has frills and lace, I swear its not itchy!!”
Koki choked on his coke.
“Come on Pi! Do it for the club if not Daddy!”
Koki turned slowly to Nakamaru as Pi tried to pry Jin’s hands off his body.
“What club?”
“The ‘host’ club in his mind….he’s been watching too much anime that idiot,” replied Ueda, his whole body swathed in dark robes. Koki jumped.
“Where’d you come from!? I swear you weren’t there a minute ago…”
Ueda shrugged, pulled his hood up, and took out a cat shaped doll.
“Beezelnef…*Stroke* *stroke*…”
“Piiiiiiiii! If you don’t wear the dress Daddy will be unhappy! I’ll tell Mummy!!”
Jin’s voice was becoming dangerously high and increasingly whiny. At that moment, Ryo, Tegomass, Matsumoto Jun, Nino and Ohno walked in. As Jin’s wails became louder and Pi’s protests (somewhat half-hearted noticed Koki) became more insistent, Nino and Ohno swooped over looking increasingly like vultures. Nino grinned at Ohno who nodded.
“Pervert! Pervert! What kind of sicko wants to see his daughter in a maid’s outfit?!” said Nino.
“Yeah, this is considered incest,” added Ohno knowingly. Jin’s head whipped towards Ryo who sighed in exasperation as Ohmiya looked at each other and winked.
“Mummy! MUMMY, quick, tell Daddy! It’s not incest right!? Tell the devil twins they’re wrong!”
Koki couldn’t believe the insanity around him. Nino and Ohno weren’t twins, they weren’t even related! Pi was Jin’s daughter!?! Seriously, had someone snuck something in his drink…and Ryo was a mother!? Ryo was the type of person who’d trip a kid and steal his candy then laugh as his bike fell apart. And Jin considered himself married to Ryo!? The hell?!?!
“Ma~ssu! Can we go out for cake?” Tegoshi had somehow made his way onto Massu’s shoulders were he’d wrapped himself like a boa constrictor. Massu nodded seriously.
“Hm.”
“YA~Y!! Come on Takeshi, lets go now!”
Ok. Koki may not be close to Massu but he was sure as hell his name was Takahisa.
A rumbling sound was heard and Koki screamed as the earth shook and smoke burst from the ground. A loud cackling noise was heard as a figure emerged from the debris, the gigantic motor visible beneath the platform.
“KAME?!?!”
Kame preened at his audience and leapt daintily off the platform, gold Prada purse swinging. Koki noted with some shock he’d also painted his nails to match the purse and that his outfit was made from leftover costumes from Dreamboys.
“HO HO HO HO HOOOO! It is I, your manager-“
“-Manager?!? Kame, we have a manager he-“
Kame ignored Koki who spluttered as Kame waved him off.
“We have a very busy schedule ahead of us so I want you to work your very best, of course Ryo doesn’t even need to try,” Kame batted his eyelids at Ryo who was busy consoling a hysterical Jin, “So I want you to all focus! Focus! I want more member ai! More MOE!!”
Nino and Ohno smirked lazily as Nino pulled Ohno close and dipped him down.
“No problem.”
Koki was sure his drink was spiked. He looked around for Nakamaru, but Nakamaru had disappeared to the other side of the room where he was attempting to hide behind the clothes rack wearing glasses and an extremely fugly hairstyle, frantically scribbling down notes. Koki’s eyes bugged. He turned to the only person who stood unaffected in the midst of the weirdness.
“Matsumoto…please, what’s going on?”
Jun looked reassuringly at him and patted his back cheerfully.
“Don’t worry I’ll sort this out.”
Koki could’ve kissed him (but didn’t cause that would mean he was gay like everyone else in the room). Matsumoto strode purposefully over to Yamapi and fixated his eyes on him.
“Stop it this instant! Jin you perverted wimp let go! Let GO!” He finished this with a nasty swipe at Jin’s hand. Jin let go and clutched his hand protectively and buried his face in Ryo’s pants. Koki looked to the heavens and smiled.
“Oh thank you Go-”
“Yamapi! As my actual blood related daughter you will wear this dress!”
Koki fainted.
3. The Good and Bad
Shige looked critically at Jin whose eyes were super glued to the television, one hand gripping the remote, the other holding iced coffee which he sipped furiously every few seconds.
“Your eyes will fry if you continue watching like that. It’s been 6 hours since you started…and this is our day off.”
Jin ignored him, frozen to the chair, the only movement that of his eyes following the people onscreen.
“His brain is already fried….deep-fried,” said Ryo ever so snarkily, “Akanishi, just because you can’t get laid and have to resort to Kamenashi for help-”
-Kame squawked from his seat beside Jin-
“-Don’t deny it diva, you can’t get laid either, it doesn’t mean we all have to watch TV with you. Just because you’re trying to see just how stupid you could possibly be but burning your eyes, it means everyone else is wasting time. We’re at the beach! We’re free for once in our life!”
No response. Koyama tried to gently pry Jin’s fingers off the remote...as did Nakamaru, Junno and Koki.
“I bet he’s dead, that’s why he’s got a death grip on the remote!” offered Junno as they all failed to remove it from his hand.
“Morons…” muttered Ryo as he strode purposefully to the TV…and pulled the plug.
Jin burst into his hysterical banshee routine, arms flailing wildly with crazed eyes and a scream which broke every window within a 30 mile radius. Ryo was used to this…it was the same routine Jin pulled since they were Juniors, the same routine he did when Ryo remarked the his precious dog Pin should’ve been renamed Bin (“because his master’s house looks like one”) and when Ryo told the girl he liked Jin was actually “inept”.
“Make him stop! Make him stooooop!!” yelled Koki as he stuffed his head into the plush cushions. Ryo slapped Jin. Jin stopped wailing.
“Thank you…Ryo. Now, can we please do something else? It’s only 12…we can go out for lunch then go to the beach,” suggested Koyama.
Everyone else nodded in agreement but Jin shook his head childishly and pouted.
“No! I want to watch TV…Kazu~ya, tell them! Make Ryo turn on the TV!”
Kame smiled nervously and avoided looking at either Ryo or Jin despite the constant tugging of his sleeve.
“Jin, you’re going to waste a perfectly good day inside. Look, research has shown that if you watch more than 3 hours of TV straight, you lose 2% of your brain cells and your eyesight decreases,” stated Shige.
“But TV teaches you stuff! Look! Pi and I made that rocket yesterday using coke and a mint!”
“Yeah you dweeb, a rocket which smashed the statue in the lobby, the fragments of which flew and knocked out the concierge, blinded the cook, and has been added onto our bill. What kind of numbskull sets off a rocket indoors?! No, don’t answer that, YOU!”
“Actually…he has a point.”
Everybody stared at Massu.
“We do learn a lot of things…I mean, the cooking channel’s educational!”
“Yeah, and so is the science and history channel!” added Koki.
“Bakanishi was watching cartoons. He was watching a stupid programme about a stupid yellow sponge that lives in a freaking pineapple under the sea, whose best friend is an overweight starfish! How is that educational!? Unless this is some psychological effect on Jin realizing he’s the fat starfish, I seriously doubt it’s educational!”
“Um…Nino gets all his pranks from watching cartoons,” said Nakamaru, “And we’ve all seen how successful he is.”
“I think TV is bad!” piped up Tegoshi as he bounced over to Ryo, Pi in tow.
“See, Tegoshi agrees with me unlike the rest of you dimwits!”
Ryo puffed out his chest and looked fondly at Tegoshi.
“And why is that Tego-nyan?”
Tegoshi gave a dazzling smile and looked at the others.
“Because you waste time you could spend making love!”
Jin inhaled his straw. Silence filled the room. Tegoshi observed this and cocked his head.
“I don’t know why you’re all so shocked…Pi and Ryo agree with me too!”
Thuds were heard as bodies hit the floor and Koki mourned for the loss of innocence, the fact he never knew this, and the perverted influence of Ryo.
A/N: I hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing! Please check out my other fics too! Thanks!