Apologies, Fear, and the Isolation of Self-Worth

[chronarchy]

I'm enthusiastic about my shortcomings. I love them. Each one. I observe unexpected emotions (from anger to jealousy to sadness to fear) with amusement, and I spend my time laughing about them. I talk at length about my failings and my mistakes because they're valuable to me

Comments

[chronarchy]

I admit to no issues whatsoever with unbirthdays. Those should always be celebrated.

[chronarchy]

I find immense value in my shortcomings. Where that value falls short, though, is actually in something that a number of people would find a virtue: self-worth. As it stands, feelings of self-worth draw up emotions that are highly negative to me, or, at least, have a negative connotation that they never had before.

The positive virtue for me today is self-worthlessness. Within that void I can find strength. I have always drawn on it for some semblance of strength, but today it is a deep well of it.

And self-worth is where negative emotion has built it's fortress. Those things that draw out feelings of worth build the walls thicker, add more men to the battlements. It amplifies feelings so that they are broadcast out further. Self-worth, to me, is tied to a feeling of jealousy, anger, and even (on some levels) hatred. These are feelings that are not the useful tidbits they used to be, but are dangerous to myself and others.

[singingwren]

I can't believe it. A comment from Kirk.

This is an incredible moment.

[chronarchy]

He commented recently on another entry of mine. . . But this time he bothered to log in :)

[tanrinia]

i know, i'm jealous...i don't think he's even friended me yet.... :)

[hearthstone]

I'm enthusiastic about my shortcomings. I love them. Each one. I observe unexpected emotions (from anger to jealousy to sadness to fear) with amusement, and I spend my time laughing about them.

This sounds like a productive way to deal with things, and likely leads to some valuable insights. (As long as you're also experiencing the emotions, and not using the analytic process solely to create distance. :))

[chronarchy]

A little of both. Actually, it's the experience of the emotion that usually brings me up remarkably short, and I often burst out laughing.

I recall once feeling remarkably jealous over something, and when I realized what was going on, I broke down and laughed for a good hour.

[qorinda]

New-Age idea of a "Shadow Self" that needs to be "understood and incorporated" or some other mumbo-jumbo bullshit like that.

It's not exactly "New-Age." Shadow work comes from Jung, who developed it in the early 1900's. And it does have to do with owning all parts of yourself - even the ugly parts. But, if you combine that with Gestalt work, you realize that you also always have a CHOICE, whether you understand and incorporate the shadow or not. Incidentally, in true shadow work, you are actually dealing with the chaotic energy of the underworld - wherein lies all sorts of creative energy that we usually have tied up in hiding those parts of us.

Personally, I value the self-exploration you have been doing in this journal, and I appreciate everything you have written. Hopefully, this piacular apology will appease those who may not, some of whom might not want to or be able to look at similar shadow stuff within themselves.

[chronarchy]

Well, Jung, to me, is about as "New-Age" as they get. But then, it's well known that I'm no fan of Jung :) Doesn't mean he's not valuable (I occasionally use and misuse his theories to amazing results), but on the whole I don't find him particularly useful

[qorinda]

Oh yeah. I forgot you don't like Jung. He's one of my heroes, so I sometimes forget that others don't feel that way.

Isn't it amazing how when we pay attention to self, out of necessity, others who are used to us being a certain way, don't like it? Don't worry. You have to come first, especially when in crisis, else what will be left for the future?

Feel free to IM if you want to chat.

[singingwren]

Mike, you are ridiculous

[ceolnamara]

I echo some of Anna's comments. And I think you ought to know that there *are* people who care about you and enjoy you for Mike and not your image.

I respect the birthday thing. You need to understand, though, that most people look at birthdays as an excuse to celebrate and be appreciated ... And most people won't be able to understand your view. I don't understand it, but I can respect it.

[chronarchy]

I do know it.

Doesn't mean that, when I'm doing everything I can to beat back certain feelings, that reminders are welcome.

I don't forget those who care.

[tanrinia]

amen sistah!