Apologies, Fear, and the Isolation of Self-Worth

[chronarchy]

I'm enthusiastic about my shortcomings. I love them. Each one. I observe unexpected emotions (from anger to jealousy to sadness to fear) with amusement, and I spend my time laughing about them. I talk at length about my failings and my mistakes because they're valuable to me

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[chronarchy]

I admit to no issues whatsoever with unbirthdays. Those should always be celebrated.

[chronarchy]

I find immense value in my shortcomings. Where that value falls short, though, is actually in something that a number of people would find a virtue: self-worth. As it stands, feelings of self-worth draw up emotions that are highly negative to me, or, at least, have a negative connotation that they never had before.

The positive virtue for me today is self-worthlessness. Within that void I can find strength. I have always drawn on it for some semblance of strength, but today it is a deep well of it.

And self-worth is where negative emotion has built it's fortress. Those things that draw out feelings of worth build the walls thicker, add more men to the battlements. It amplifies feelings so that they are broadcast out further. Self-worth, to me, is tied to a feeling of jealousy, anger, and even (on some levels) hatred. These are feelings that are not the useful tidbits they used to be, but are dangerous to myself and others.

[chronarchy]

A lot of people equate self-esteem with self-worth and self-confidence. They are not the same, though we're taught that they are in school from an early age now.

Self-esteem is having a simple respect for yourself, and I have a lot of that. There is, honestly nothing I have more respect for than myself. That doesn't mean I have to be completely confident in my ability to do things, or get though things, or that I have to believe that I have a high value.

Honestly, I have a lot of self-respect. It's the value of that self that is causing problems. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's unfortunately the way this works.

It's rather convoluted, huh? ;)

[chronarchy]

maybe it's more convoluted than I thought.

Yeah. Amazing how simple something is until we try to explain it *laughs*