Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Four
Er.
So I definitely had every intention of posting this a few days ago, but between the three projects and four essays I had due along with the three quizzes and two tests I had to do some major studying for, I, er, forgot. I am sure you all understand, and if you don't, well, poo on you. I am most certainly sorry, but there was nothing I could do about it. School must come first.
BUT HERE IS CHAPTER FOUR! (Finally I hear you cry! Just you wait. Once we get to chapter six - maybe chapter seven, if the universe feels like being kind to me, which it usually doesn't - updates will be fewer and farther between, as I only have up through six already written.)
Enjoy :)
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
Remus is so shocked that he can’t even act shocked. His brain sort of shuts off and he finds that all he can do is lie there, shocked, but unable to show it.
Sirius’s mouth slides against his, all hot breath and moist lips and just the tiniest hint of teeth. It is decidedly pleasant, though what, Remus muses, is pleasant about it is hard to say. When really thought about, the mechanics of kissing are actually rather disgusting-alien tongues, co-mingling spit, and the assurance that if your partner has recently eaten something, you will taste it, whether you like it or not. It’s rather fortunate that dinner was two hours ago, Remus thinks vaguely.
Caught up in his analysis of his current position, Remus forgot that they had an audience.
“WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”
With a strangled cry, Remus ripped himself away from Sirius, banging his head against the wooden headboard behind his bed. His eyes watered, but given his current situation, the dull ache was nothing.
“You just interrupted a very hot and rather pleasant snog, Prongs,” Sirius said conversationally. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you now.”
In any other situation, James’s deer-caught-in-the-headlights look would have been amusing. “Why were you snogging Moony?” he asked carefully. Remus noted his low voice and the taut way that he held himself; he was obviously trying to keep himself under control. Control from what, Remus wasn’t sure, and that made him very nervous indeed.
Sirius flashed a grin at Remus, taking his hand and weaving their fingers together. “Remus and I are…kind of involved now, James.”
“Involved?”
In for a penny…Remus thinks, and plunges in. “We know it’s, er, sudden, Prongs, and we don’t expect you to be okay with it right away. This will obviously take some getting used to…”
“For all parties involved,” Sirius murmured into Remus’s ear.
“Hey! No doing that!” James said accusingly, pointing his finger at Sirius. “None of that having secrets stuff, that’s not on!”
“Dreadfully sorry, James, just didn’t think you wanted to know about the wicked boner Moony here just gave me,” Sirius said all-too-cheerfully.
“NNAUGH!” James cried, making it all too clear that he really didn’t want to know. “Oh that’s just-really, that was uncalled for!”
Sirius sniggered and licked the inside of Remus’s ear; Remus jumped a bit.
“But…but, wait, hold on, I could swear I saw Sylvie Travers come up here before,” James said.
Sirius nuzzled Remus’s neck-the action was all too reminiscent of Padfoot, and almost made Remus laugh. “I’m afraid I had to send her away,” Sirius replied, planting a rather pointed kiss on the tender skin beneath Remus’s ear.
“Well, then,” James said, clearly at a loss. “Um. Way to steal my thunder.”
“Thunder?” Remus said, grasping on to the thread of conversation in hopes of turning his focus from the things Sirius was doing to him-he couldn’t afford to blow their cover now that they’d begun, and shrieking “RAPE!” or something equally horrifying would do just that. “What thunder? You have thunder?” He was aware that he was babbling, but given the circumstances, he didn’t think James would suspect anything.
James’s face melted. If it weren’t so cute, Remus pondered, the soppy grin and wide, bright eyes would probably be revolting. James gave a rather alarming twirl and fell back upon his bed, arms spread wide and a happy sigh escaping from his lips. “I do indeed have thunder,” James said blissfully. “It is thunder of the most thundering kind. A monumental thunder. One that will go down in history as The Most Thunderous Thunder To Ever Be Thundered.”
Sirius groaned, pressing his face into Remus. “For the love of dungbombs, will you get to the bloody point?” he demanded, though his words lost impact as they were spoken directly to Remus’s armpit.
“On this day,” James announced, “on this 18th day of March, I, Mr. James Potter, otherwise known as Messr. Prongs, have succeeded in being granted an entire day in Hogsmeade, in the manner of a date, with none other than the inexplicable, and might I add beautiful, Ms. Lily Evans.”
Sirius’s jaw dropped. “No fucking way,” he said incredulously.
“Yes fucking way!” James cried rapturously.
“Congratulations, James,” Remus said, offering James a warm smile and Sirius a delicate pat on the head.
James extended his arm towards Remus. “Pinch me. I just, I need to be sure I’m awake. Please pinch me.”
Sirius obliged.
“Fucking ow, Sirius!” James yelped, pulling his arm tight to his body. “Ow. But at least we’ve proved I’m awake.” His face recovered its dream-like state. “I’ve got a date with Lily Evans.”
“Oh god, Remus, it’s unbearable, make it stop. Slap it upside the head, drown it in the toilet, just do something.” Sirius gave a rather pathetic whimper as he covered his head with a pillow.
“Sirius,” Remus said in his you’re-being-a-git voice. Sirius quivered a bit, but otherwise refused to acknowledge the reprimand in Remus’s tone. “Nevermind him,” Remus went on, now addressing James. “That’s really great, James. Honestly. I’m happy for you.” Remus was very proud of his acting skills, especially as he’d only acquired them about ten minutes ago.
The complete and utter bliss slowly leaked away from James’s face as Remus’s tone of voice drew him back to the matter at hand. “Er,” he said. Tension filled the room again as Sirius uncovered his head and fixed James with a wary stare. “Look, you have to admit it’s a bit weird, right? You two’ve been best mates forever, and now…it just, it’ll take some getting used to is all. But,” James managed a credible grin, “I’m happy for you, too. Both of you.” A pained expression crossed James’s face. “Just don’t…touch each other in front of me, all right? In fact, no kissing in front of me for the next 24 hours either. I’ve got the image of that snog I just walked in on burned into my brain forever now, thanks.”
“You know you’ll be wanking to that image tonight, Prongs,” Sirius said, throwing a grin and a lecherous wink at James. “That was hot.”
James snorted. “Who’s going to wank to the two of you when there’s Lily Evans? The girl I have a date with next Hogsmeade weekend. How brilliant is that?”
“Brilliant, James,” Sirius said, reaching for the pillow again. “Just brilliant.”
xXxXx
Remus sat propped up against his pillows, watching warily as Sirius prodded a rather large (and hairy) spider with his wand. James had vacated the dormitory before when Peter had entered and pleaded for someone to go with him to the kitchens-he had skipped dinner that evening in favor of tutoring Dorcas Meadows, a cute brunette Ravenclaw and the current object of his affections, in Herbology, the only class where his prowess was completely his own doing. Needless to say, James jumped at the chance to talk the ear off of someone who’d be willing to listen to him as he prattled on about The Most Exciting Thing To Ever Happen To Him Ever, and even listed the twenty-seven great virtues of Lily Evans. Remus would have conjured up some pity for Peter, but he knew that of all the Marauders, Peter was the most able to handle James’s fawning over the redhead, so he was content to pity himself instead.
“You know, I really hate spiders,” Remus said conversationally. “If that spider comes too close to my bed, I may just have to hex you. After shrieking like a girl, of course.”
“Ah, don’t worry, Moony. I shall protect you from the evil spider.” Sirius prodded it again. “The stupid stubborn spider that won’t tap dance!”
“You could give up,” Remus suggested, trying not to sound overly fond of the idea.
“Sirius Black never gives up!” Sirius said vehemently, thrusting his wand at the spider. “Unless he accidentally kills the specimen he is trying to practice his hexing on. Oops. Hand me a tissue, would you?”
“You are utterly hopeless,” Remus said as he passed Sirius several tissues. (It was a big spider.)
“So, what exactly is it that we’re doing here?” Remus asked as he watched Sirius wipe spider guts from the floor.
“I’m cleaning up after this damn spider that had the nerve to splurt and you’re watching me.” Sirius glanced up at Remus. “Oh. That’s not what you meant. Sorry. You need to be more specific, mate.”
“What is it we’re doing with this prank?” Remus elaborated. “Where are we going with it? I just fail to see what the purpose of it is, other than to give you ample opportunity to molest me, which is apparently some deeply hidden desire of yours if this evening’s display was anything to go by.”
Sirius dropped the large ball of tissues into the wastepaper basket. “It had to be convincing,” he said simply, shrugging one shoulder. “It was James. He’s the only person in this school we had to actually work to convince-he’ll tell Pete, and Pete’ll believe him because, honestly, when has he ever doubted anything Prongs has said? And the rest of the school will listen to whatever rubbish Marly ends up spewing, so by tomorrow, lunch at the latest, the entire school will know. Or, they’ll only think they know.” Sirius grinned in anticipation; this prank, he thought, was going to be incredible.
“Right, well, that still didn’t answer my question.”
Sirius groaned as he flopped onto his bed. “Since when do pranks need purpose? But if you must have an answer,” Sirius cut in before Remus could speak, “it’s to teach the rest of the student body not to be so bloody gullible when it comes to gossip. If they want to believe in a gay Sirius Black, then fine, I’ll give them a gay Sirius Black, but then I’ll up and beat the metaphorical tar out of them when they realize how downright stupid and useless they are, believing such utter rubbish.”
Remus didn’t think to be all too upset or annoyed over the fact that a prank meant as revenge for him had turned into a game for Sirius. “So how long do we keep this up?”
Sirius pondered for a moment. “Two weeks,” was his reply. “Two weeks from today is April First. Being the honorable and significant day that the First of April is, it’ll be perfect for our ‘coming out of the closet.’ Har har.”
“Two weeks?” Remus said dubiously. He wasn’t sure he could handle many more displays such as the one James had been privy to. Or rather, set up for.
“Two weeks,” Sirius confirmed. “Think of all the fun we can have! All the teachers we can scar, all the young wizards we can corrupt! It is a noble thing we do, Moony.”
“I would just like it to be known, for the record, that I think this is a bad idea,” Remus said, but without any real conviction; indeed, Sirius could swear he heard a hint of amusement in his voice.
“Duly noted,” Sirius said gallantly. “And I think it only fair to warn you that after the little performance we’ll be putting on for the Great Hall tomorrow morning, the female half of Hogwarts, at the very least, is going to be out for your blood.”
“Duly noted,” Remus courteously replied. “Wait, what performance?”
xXxXx
A/N: Before you begin theorizing, I would just like to make it clear that Sirius is acting. His “performance” thus far is simply for the love of pranks. So, sorry to squash your hopes, but at this point in time, Remus is the only one who knows he is gay. Oh, and just to further annoy you all, Remus does not have feelings (other than friendship) for Sirius at this point in time. Sorry, that’s just how my fic is going to be. No romance as of yet. (But there will definitely be lots of snogging to tide you lot over *winks*) I just felt I should clear that up-wouldn’t want to be like A CERTAIN AUTHOR WE ALL KNOW THAT LIKES TO MISLEAD PEOPLE. Ahem. Anyway. Please review!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails