Fic: Settle the Score (8/?)
Title: Settle the Score (8/?)
Author: cellochick92
Rating: R, for language and mature content
Word Count: 1633
Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(
Summary: For xrainingsorrowx ’s prompt over at the rq_angst meme. “Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor.”
A/N: So...yeah. Sorry for the long wait. Stupid life. I also got stuck...the writer's block was back with a vengeance =( But here's something, at least!
______________________________________
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven
“I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Quinn would never have guessed that so few words could have such a massively horrible effect on her. Somehow, though, hearing them coming out of Rachel’s mouth hurt far more than any physical blow, and she squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to pretend that this wasn’t really happening.
Never in her various imaginings of how things between her and Rachel would end had she considered this. The thought that Rachel would be the one to leave her- well, she just hadn’t accounted for that possibility.
Feeling like the weight of the world had settled firmly on her chest, Quinn wondered how she could possibly have missed this.
*************
After Rachel had left her house, Quinn had managed to drag herself back to her bed. Every ache that had diminished, every bruise that had felt miraculously healed- they all came back with a vengeance the moment Rachel was out of the room and the adrenaline was gone from her body.
Groaning, Quinn almost contemplated calling Rachel to ask her to come back. The girl was effectively her drug; when she had Rachel she felt as close to ok as she ever would, and the highs were breath taking. The times when she didn’t have Rachel, however, were excruciating, and the lows were soul crushing.
That wasn’t to say that everything was great when she was with Rachel- obviously, there were a significant number of times where things were less than perfect. The important thing to Quinn was that Rachel remained the only one who could give her any semblance of the love she was looking for.
On top of that, when the petite brunette was around Quinn never seemed to feel her injuries quite so much. The pain was still there, but the normally sharp bite was dulled by the other girl’s presence. Groaning as she felt her side twinge in protest as she tried to breathe, Quinn barely managed to control her urge to reach for her phone.
Much as she wanted the brunette, she knew that she needed to think through what she was going to do. Rachel had seemed so heartfelt, so sincere, and Quinn wanted desperately to believe that this wasn’t just another ploy. Even if the brunette was serious, Quinn knew she still needed to proceed with caution.
It was hard enough to even admit that something bad had been happening to her- there was still a very large part of her that screamed she was merely doing penance. There was that niggling voice in the back of her mind, though, that adamantly maintained that she didn’t deserve any of what Rachel had been doing to her.
Even if she admitted to herself that she had been wrongly abused by the little brunette, she then found herself faced with the question of what to do about it. Abuse or no, she recognized that her relationship with Rachel had impacted her. The flinching, the pained silences, the complete dependence- all of these things were a direct result of Rachel.
At the same time, she also knew that there was no way she could leave the brunette. Rachel had changed her for the worse, but also for the better. Rachel was the one who compelled her to be kinder in her actions to others, and who showed her it was possible to love even after everything she had been through.
Maybe, she thought, if she could love after everything, then Rachel could love too. It certainly seemed like the brunette had been feeling something, if not love, and that was a start, right? Something other than anger and hate and guilt?
She figured that, if Rachel was serious about all of this, she would come through with a plan. While the girl she had been in love with for the past few months had seemed at times like a completely different person, she knew that Rachel Berry, gold star, was still lurking there. If she was sincere in her desire to fix things, or at least start down the right path, she would come up with some 80 page dissertation on their options and possible choices in true Rachel Berry fashion.
Quinn found herself hoping desperately that Rachel would come bursting through her door at any minute, binder in hand, prepared to give an eloquent and verbose two hour presentation. She caught herself straining to hear the sound of the door all through the afternoon, and she would have kicked herself if she didn’t know it would only make everything hurt more.
The rest of the day found the blonde occupied by thoughts of Rachel. When she showered and scrubbed at the bruises covering her body, she relived every time Rachel had hurt her. She ended up sitting in the bathtub, knees up to her chest and her head on her knees, sobbing and wondering how she could still love the girl even after she had done so much damage.
Later, she found herself crying again when she was getting dressed and slipped into one of Rachel’s hoodies out of habit. The worn brown hoodie had been left at Quinn’s house and still smelled of the brunette, and Quinn wondered at the irony that the one person who could utterly destroy her was still the one who she turned to for comfort. Inhaling deeply, she sat on her bed and relished the soft scent that reached her nostrils.
It was only later, after eating a makeshift dinner of toast and soup and popping more Ibuprofen than was recommended, that Quinn allowed herself to think about more than just isolated incidents with Rachel. She sank into the large plush chair that used to be her father’s, back before the booze and the women and the absence. Absentmindedly wrapping a soft blanket around her, she let out a quiet sigh.
Rachel had hurt her. She knew that. The problem was that Rachel also put her back together.
If Rachel was sincere about wanting things to be better, could she honestly have a productive relationship with the girl who had hurt her so deeply? Or would the shadow of the past forever hang over them, keeping the guilt and the pain fresh in both their minds?
Quinn knew that these were questions she needed to discuss with Rachel, if the brunette came back and was serious about changing things between them. She knew it might be foolish to be thinking about these things when there was no guarantee on Rachel’s part, but she felt a sense of calm about the situation nonetheless.
If she was completely truthful, she probably should have at least been asking herself these questions for months, even if she didn’t discuss them with Rachel. Having an idea of where she, at least, stood with regards to the relationship was a surprisingly liberating feeling. For the first time in months, Quinn felt like she actually had some control over where she was in life.
She knew that she didn’t have the strength to leave Rachel, but she at least recognized her situation and what she could do to try to improve things. She also knew that, if Rachel went back to hurting her, she would eventually be able to break free from her of her own volition.
She didn’t want to leave the brunette, but just because she couldn’t right now didn’t mean she wouldn’t be able to build up the strength to do what was best for her in the future. That thought on its own was more than enough to help steel her for whatever confrontation she might need to have with Rachel, and she almost smiled at the calm she felt.
Her day of thinking had allowed her to reach a level of calm and clarity that she could normally only reach when Rachel was around. She wasn’t delusional, and realized that she still had more unanswered questions than answered, but it was a start. The knowledge that she could accomplish this small victory on her own, without Rachel’s help or interference, brought a small smile to her face.
Quinn’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Still somewhat distracted by the questions flitting around her mind, Quinn went to open the door to find a distressed brunette standing there. Seeing Rachel, Quinn felt her jaw drop and her mind blanked out. She had been imagining this all day, yes, but that was entirely different than seeing Rachel actually standing in front of her.
Timidly, Rachel asked, “Can I come in?”
After a long moment without a response, she quietly added, “Please?”
Quinn sighed but nodded, moving out of the doorway so Rachel could get past. Closing the door behind her, she turned to see Rachel fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, staring at the rug.
Raising a questioning eyebrow at the brunette, Quinn waited for her to say something.
“I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Any words but those might have been expected. But no. Once again, Rachel had to knock her off her guard and do something like this.
Forcing her eyes open, Quinn inhaled deeply, letting everything she had been thinking about all day filter through her mind. She weighed the pros and cons of Rachel’s declaration in her mind, carefully considering her options. If she was going to keep going with this, she wanted to know that it hadn’t been a split-second decision.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Quinn looked at Rachel and waited for the brunette to meet her eyes. Rachel finally looked up, brown eyes watching hazel nervously. Quinn opened her mouth, closed it, and sighed again before letting out a quiet admission.
“I think we do too.”
Part Nine
Author: cellochick92
Rating: R, for language and mature content
Word Count: 1633
Warning: Account/discussion of abuse.
Disclaimer: Nothing is mine =(
Summary: For xrainingsorrowx ’s prompt over at the rq_angst meme. “Quinn abused Rachel for so long, so she feels it's okay if Rachel returns the favor.”
A/N: So...yeah. Sorry for the long wait. Stupid life. I also got stuck...the writer's block was back with a vengeance =( But here's something, at least!
______________________________________
Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven
“I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Quinn would never have guessed that so few words could have such a massively horrible effect on her. Somehow, though, hearing them coming out of Rachel’s mouth hurt far more than any physical blow, and she squeezed her eyes shut in an effort to pretend that this wasn’t really happening.
Never in her various imaginings of how things between her and Rachel would end had she considered this. The thought that Rachel would be the one to leave her- well, she just hadn’t accounted for that possibility.
Feeling like the weight of the world had settled firmly on her chest, Quinn wondered how she could possibly have missed this.
*************
After Rachel had left her house, Quinn had managed to drag herself back to her bed. Every ache that had diminished, every bruise that had felt miraculously healed- they all came back with a vengeance the moment Rachel was out of the room and the adrenaline was gone from her body.
Groaning, Quinn almost contemplated calling Rachel to ask her to come back. The girl was effectively her drug; when she had Rachel she felt as close to ok as she ever would, and the highs were breath taking. The times when she didn’t have Rachel, however, were excruciating, and the lows were soul crushing.
That wasn’t to say that everything was great when she was with Rachel- obviously, there were a significant number of times where things were less than perfect. The important thing to Quinn was that Rachel remained the only one who could give her any semblance of the love she was looking for.
On top of that, when the petite brunette was around Quinn never seemed to feel her injuries quite so much. The pain was still there, but the normally sharp bite was dulled by the other girl’s presence. Groaning as she felt her side twinge in protest as she tried to breathe, Quinn barely managed to control her urge to reach for her phone.
Much as she wanted the brunette, she knew that she needed to think through what she was going to do. Rachel had seemed so heartfelt, so sincere, and Quinn wanted desperately to believe that this wasn’t just another ploy. Even if the brunette was serious, Quinn knew she still needed to proceed with caution.
It was hard enough to even admit that something bad had been happening to her- there was still a very large part of her that screamed she was merely doing penance. There was that niggling voice in the back of her mind, though, that adamantly maintained that she didn’t deserve any of what Rachel had been doing to her.
Even if she admitted to herself that she had been wrongly abused by the little brunette, she then found herself faced with the question of what to do about it. Abuse or no, she recognized that her relationship with Rachel had impacted her. The flinching, the pained silences, the complete dependence- all of these things were a direct result of Rachel.
At the same time, she also knew that there was no way she could leave the brunette. Rachel had changed her for the worse, but also for the better. Rachel was the one who compelled her to be kinder in her actions to others, and who showed her it was possible to love even after everything she had been through.
Maybe, she thought, if she could love after everything, then Rachel could love too. It certainly seemed like the brunette had been feeling something, if not love, and that was a start, right? Something other than anger and hate and guilt?
She figured that, if Rachel was serious about all of this, she would come through with a plan. While the girl she had been in love with for the past few months had seemed at times like a completely different person, she knew that Rachel Berry, gold star, was still lurking there. If she was sincere in her desire to fix things, or at least start down the right path, she would come up with some 80 page dissertation on their options and possible choices in true Rachel Berry fashion.
Quinn found herself hoping desperately that Rachel would come bursting through her door at any minute, binder in hand, prepared to give an eloquent and verbose two hour presentation. She caught herself straining to hear the sound of the door all through the afternoon, and she would have kicked herself if she didn’t know it would only make everything hurt more.
The rest of the day found the blonde occupied by thoughts of Rachel. When she showered and scrubbed at the bruises covering her body, she relived every time Rachel had hurt her. She ended up sitting in the bathtub, knees up to her chest and her head on her knees, sobbing and wondering how she could still love the girl even after she had done so much damage.
Later, she found herself crying again when she was getting dressed and slipped into one of Rachel’s hoodies out of habit. The worn brown hoodie had been left at Quinn’s house and still smelled of the brunette, and Quinn wondered at the irony that the one person who could utterly destroy her was still the one who she turned to for comfort. Inhaling deeply, she sat on her bed and relished the soft scent that reached her nostrils.
It was only later, after eating a makeshift dinner of toast and soup and popping more Ibuprofen than was recommended, that Quinn allowed herself to think about more than just isolated incidents with Rachel. She sank into the large plush chair that used to be her father’s, back before the booze and the women and the absence. Absentmindedly wrapping a soft blanket around her, she let out a quiet sigh.
Rachel had hurt her. She knew that. The problem was that Rachel also put her back together.
If Rachel was sincere about wanting things to be better, could she honestly have a productive relationship with the girl who had hurt her so deeply? Or would the shadow of the past forever hang over them, keeping the guilt and the pain fresh in both their minds?
Quinn knew that these were questions she needed to discuss with Rachel, if the brunette came back and was serious about changing things between them. She knew it might be foolish to be thinking about these things when there was no guarantee on Rachel’s part, but she felt a sense of calm about the situation nonetheless.
If she was completely truthful, she probably should have at least been asking herself these questions for months, even if she didn’t discuss them with Rachel. Having an idea of where she, at least, stood with regards to the relationship was a surprisingly liberating feeling. For the first time in months, Quinn felt like she actually had some control over where she was in life.
She knew that she didn’t have the strength to leave Rachel, but she at least recognized her situation and what she could do to try to improve things. She also knew that, if Rachel went back to hurting her, she would eventually be able to break free from her of her own volition.
She didn’t want to leave the brunette, but just because she couldn’t right now didn’t mean she wouldn’t be able to build up the strength to do what was best for her in the future. That thought on its own was more than enough to help steel her for whatever confrontation she might need to have with Rachel, and she almost smiled at the calm she felt.
Her day of thinking had allowed her to reach a level of calm and clarity that she could normally only reach when Rachel was around. She wasn’t delusional, and realized that she still had more unanswered questions than answered, but it was a start. The knowledge that she could accomplish this small victory on her own, without Rachel’s help or interference, brought a small smile to her face.
Quinn’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Still somewhat distracted by the questions flitting around her mind, Quinn went to open the door to find a distressed brunette standing there. Seeing Rachel, Quinn felt her jaw drop and her mind blanked out. She had been imagining this all day, yes, but that was entirely different than seeing Rachel actually standing in front of her.
Timidly, Rachel asked, “Can I come in?”
After a long moment without a response, she quietly added, “Please?”
Quinn sighed but nodded, moving out of the doorway so Rachel could get past. Closing the door behind her, she turned to see Rachel fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, staring at the rug.
Raising a questioning eyebrow at the brunette, Quinn waited for her to say something.
“I think we need to stop seeing each other.”
Any words but those might have been expected. But no. Once again, Rachel had to knock her off her guard and do something like this.
Forcing her eyes open, Quinn inhaled deeply, letting everything she had been thinking about all day filter through her mind. She weighed the pros and cons of Rachel’s declaration in her mind, carefully considering her options. If she was going to keep going with this, she wanted to know that it hadn’t been a split-second decision.
Letting out a heavy sigh, Quinn looked at Rachel and waited for the brunette to meet her eyes. Rachel finally looked up, brown eyes watching hazel nervously. Quinn opened her mouth, closed it, and sighed again before letting out a quiet admission.
“I think we do too.”
Part Nine