FIC: RUNNING THE BREAK (8/10)
Title: Running the Break (8/10)
Authors: Surfer Hips Productions (aka dazzling_icer, carolinablu85, and noelleleithe)
Artists: la_fours and noelleleithe
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Other Notes and Art Links: In Master Post
PART 8
Noah ran.
His feet pounded out a steady beat on the wet sand, controlled strides, measured pace. His heart pounded out a steady beat in his chest. The ocean pounded out a steady beat of waves onto the beach to his left.
His head just pounded.
Running had become Noah's escape. Going for a run would occupy his body while his mind worked things through. It was a damn sight better than running away from life, which he'd done so many times he couldn't begin to count.
Running had cost him Luke.
Nine months should have been enough. Nine months of rebuilding his life here in Torrance, studying filmmaking, making new friends, learning to surf, working for Kan. He'd inscribed his journey on his skin, in stark black, permanent reminders of where he'd been and where he needed to go.
One look at Luke, and all of it shattered at his feet. He'd built a house of glass.
He'd never let Luke go.
Even through all he'd done since he left Oakdale, he'd never been able to rid himself of that little spark of hope. He ignored it, covered it up, pretended it didn't exist. Stuffed it down into the corner of his mind where his darkest secrets resided and ran away from it, as far and as fast as he could.
But it never died. And seeing Luke again made it flare right back up again.
Noah's heart ached, not just from the punishment he was putting it through as he ran, harder and faster with every step, but from the memories that flashed through his mind despite his best efforts. Luke on that first day at WOAK, snarky and annoyed, and even then Noah had been drawn to him, a drab moth to Luke's brilliant flame. Luke's face in Branson when he'd walked in on Noah and Maddie, and his confession that afternoon. A moonlight swim, the summer heat no match for the spark between them.
A kiss so simple, so perfect that it made Noah's heart shatter and heal all at once, until real life broke the spell and tore Noah away. As it did again and again and again, gradually fraying the tightly woven threads between them until they broke and fell away, leaving him standing alone, watching Luke walk into the arms of another man.
Faster and faster the images flew through Noah's mind, so much like they had just a day earlier, a kaleidoscope of light and color and sound assaulting his senses until he found himself gasping and pulled gradually to a stop, becoming aware only then of just how hard he'd been pushing himself. His lungs burned and he couldn't catch his breath, and he leaned forward, hands on his shaking knees, only barely staying upright as he brought himself out of his mind and into reality.
Reality where Luke was still with Reid, and Noah was still alone.
Slowly, he stood back up, sliding his hands to his hips and turning back the way he'd come, shaking out his legs, easing the ache of overuse. He walked slowly, sliding back into his thoughts but keeping careful control this time.
He loved Luke. He probably would always love Luke. His heart didn't seem to know how to do anything else. Sure, he could move on, find someone new, probably even fall in love again, but no one would ever be able to reach that part of him that no longer lived within him. Luke had a piece of him that Noah could never get back, and even if he could, he didn't want to. He'd given it freely, and that one gift had done more for him than anything else he'd ever done in his life.
Loving Luke had taught him the meaning of the word, and he could never regret that, not in a million years. Not if it meant spending the rest of his life without him.
The sky was beginning to lighten as he walked back toward the apartment, and Noah's scattered thoughts gradually coalesced into a plan. He'd tell Luke everything, make sure he knew that Noah had never stopped loving him, even through the fear had blinded him figuratively just as surely as the accident had blinded him literally. He knew he'd hurt Luke, and he knew he probably didn't deserve forgiveness for it, but he couldn't help remembering what Luke had said to him two years earlier, on the rooftop of the hospital after everything that had happened with Brian.
"What happened to loving people, faults and all?" he'd said. "Is it too much to ask you to love me for me, instead of who you want me to be?
Neither of them were perfect, Noah knew. No one was. But they could fix a lot of things, and one of the biggest was to give each other a break. Stop expecting each other to do everything right, handle everything perfectly. Stop turning away when things got bad.
It was time, Noah knew, for both of them to stop running.
************
He wasn't sure how many hours had passed by the time he made it back to the apartment. He didn't know how far he'd run either, but walking back seemed to take forever. His leg muscles screamed at him as he climbed the stairs. He wanted nothing more than a long, hot shower and about twelve hours of sleep. He slipped his key into the door, trying to be quiet, not wanting to wake everyone when it was still a good hour until sunrise.
He got the door only halfway open before it was yanked out of his hand.
"Noah! Holy shit, where have you been!" Aaron grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. "Kan said you left hours ago! Jesus Christ, man, you gotta quit giving us all heart failure like that!"
Noah blinked. "I went for a run," he said, unable to come up with anything else.
His eyes tracked past Aaron to land on the sofa, where Luke sat staring at him, eyes wet and bloodshot, dark circles under them. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and had been crying for hours.
He was still the most beautiful thing Noah had ever seen.
Malia had one arm wrapped around Luke's shoulder, and her eyes shot daggers at Noah. "You fucking idiot," she spat out, angrier than Noah had ever seen her. "Do you have any idea what you put us through tonight?"
He hadn't even considered it. They had every right to be pissed at him.
"Shit, I'm sorry guys," Noah said, leaning on the wall by the door, dropping the sneakers in his hand to the floor and his forehead to the side against the paneling. "I didn't think. I should've called or texted or something." What Aaron had said finally registered. "Did Kan call?"
"Texted while you were talking," Aaron replied. Noah hadn't even noticed. "And then he called once you left. We'd just about gotten calmed down after finding out you were with him, and then you never showed up here. Luke was about five minutes from calling the cops. Five minutes past, really. We were pretty much physically holding him back."
Noah's gaze moved from Aaron back to Luke, whose eyes had gone from devastated to infuriated. Noah took a breath to try to head him off, but it was too late. Luke was on his feet and in his face in three long strides.
"Fuck you, Noah," he growled. "Fuck you with a fucking chainsaw. You never think about anyone but yourself, do you? You do whatever the fuck your messed-up head tells you to do and don't give two shits about how it affects anyone else. You never learn a thing." He snorted. "And neither do I. I'm just an idiot who can't seem to let you go the way you so obviously want me to."
Noah barely noticed Malia grabbing Aaron by the arm and dragging him outside, the door closing behind them. Everything Noah had thought about, everything he'd decided, fell away like it had never existed. Luke filled his consciousness, and sudden fury made him see red.
"You're one to talk," he shot back. "You're nothing but a selfish little brat who thinks everything's all about you. You cut and run when I'm dealing with being blind just because I couldn't fill your every little need. You were so desperate for attention that you took up with my asshole of a doctor, of all people!"
"You pushed me away, Noah!" Luke yelled. "You always push me away. When things were good, fine, I could be with you and live with you and fuck you, but anytime anything went wrong, suddenly I didn't matter. All that mattered was you and your fucking space. You were supposed to be my partner, but the truth is that I always came in second, to your goddamned father or your need for independence or whatever excuse you could come up with not to let me in. And I just couldn't take it for one more second."
"And you thought Reid Fucking Oliver would be an improvement?" Noah's head felt like it would explode. "The truth isn't that you weren't good enough for me, Luke. The truth is that I was never good enough for you. I don't think anything I could do would ever make me good enough in your eyes."
He crossed his arms over his chest. He was done. "Go home, Luke," he said. "Go back to your genius boyfriend and your loving family and your fucking gold-plated life. I don't want you here any more."
Luke stared at him, face flushed, eyes wide, and Noah had to fight off the urge to grab Luke and kiss him, like he'd done the day they'd fought in Old Town, and drag him down the hall to his bedroom to recreate the rest of that afternoon. Instead, he pushed past Luke and stalked down the hallway to the bathroom, locking himself inside and starting the shower, turning the water up as hot as he could stand. He stripped off his clothes, stepping under the spray and letting it beat down on his skin.
He tried to convince himself that the wetness on his face was sweat and not tears.
************
Luke stood rooted to the same spot for a good five minutes after Noah disappeared down the hall, his mouth still hanging half-open, unspoken words lying on his tongue.
Jesus Christ, he thought. We're never going to stop fucking this up.
He ran a hand down his face and plopped into the chair nearest him, his legs no longer willing to hold him up. Everything he'd been holding back since he'd first seen Noah coming out of the water two days earlier surged through him: lust, love, pain, need, desire, but most of all a driving, unrelenting need to fix this. Whatever this was, whatever it would end up being, they couldn't go on the way things were. Not with so much unsaid.
But Noah didn't want to hear it.
And Luke couldn't even blame him.
He wanted to go home so badly that his hands shook with it. But when he thought about Oakdale, it didn't help. Oakdale didn't feel all that much like home any more. His family was great, loved him, supported him even when he screwed up, but there was one big, gaping hole he couldn't avoid. Not any more.
He blew out a long breath, trying to get a grip on himself, and pulled out his phone. A call to the airline and an exorbitant fee got him onto a flight later that morning, and another call got a cab headed his way. He pushed to his feet, crossing over to the duffel bag he'd dumped in the corner, and tossed it onto the sofa, stuffing back in the few things he'd unpacked. He'd just go back home... back to Oakdale and regroup. Try to figure out what to do next.
Try to figure out if there was any possible way he could live without Noah.
He jumped when the front door opened a few inches and looked over to see Aaron's face peeking in the crack. "Is it safe to come back in?"
Luke tried to smile. "Yeah," he said, looking back down at his bag. "Yeah, it's okay."
Aaron stepped inside, following Luke's gaze. He didn't say anything about it, just held out a hand wrapped around a paper cup. "Coffee?"
"Oh god yes." Luke took the cup and tugged off the lid, blowing across the surface to cool it a bit before taking a sip. And another. And a larger one. Warmth gradually seeped through him, but it didn't touch the frozen spot in his chest.
Luke sighed and sat on the edge of the sofa next to his bag. "I'm going home," he said, staring into his coffee as if it would give him the answers he needed. "I just ... I thought it would be okay, but I didn't know. I didn't have a clue."
The cushions shifted as Aaron sat down next to him. "What happened?"
Luke shrugged, keeping his head down. "Doesn't matter," he said. "It's still too messed up. I don't know if it ever won't be messed up."
"So you're just leaving?"
Luke did look up then, to find Aaron staring him down. "I'm not just leaving," Luke bit out. "Noah told me to go. He said he doesn't want me here."
Aaron lifted an eyebrow. "And have you told him the truth yet?"
"About what?"
"About Reid, you dumbass," Aaron shot back. "You don't think it would make any difference to tell Noah that you dumped the motherfucker before Noah even left Oakdale?"
Luke jumped up, setting the half-drunk coffee on the end table and grabbing his bag. "No, I don't," he lied. "If I did, I would've told him."
Aaron stared at him, clearly bewildered. "Why wouldn't it?"
It would make a difference, Luke knew. Noah thought he was still with Reid, and telling him the truth would change everything. But Luke just didn't know how to tell Noah what happened. What he'd done, and why. He'd screwed everything up, just like he always did, and he was too chickenshit to admit it. To admit that Reid was a giant mistake, one that he'd take back in a heartbeat if he thought it had any chance of changing the way things had turned out.
But it was too late anyway. Noah didn't want him.
"I'm going," he said, his hands tightening into fists. "I'm on American at 10:15. Cab should be here any minute."
Aaron stood up then. "Wait, you're leaving now now?" he said. "I thought--"
"I can't stay, Aaron." Luke bit his lip. "I just... I'll come back in a few more months or something. But I can't stay here."
The sound of running water that had been filtering down the hallway for the past twenty minutes cut off, filling the air with silence. Luke hooked the strap of his bag over his shoulder and picked up his coffee. "Thanks for everything, Aaron," he said. "It was really great seeing you."
He stepped over to give his big brother--genetics or not--a one-armed hug that Aaron returned immediately. Luke soaked up the bit of comfort he could before stepping back and away.
"Take care," Luke said. "And tell Noah--" His voice broke. "Tell Noah I said I'm sorry."
Aaron seemed about to argue again, but he stopped himself and nodded. "Okay," he said. "Safe travels, bro."
Luke had to grin at that, and then he was out the door and gone.
************
Noah had forgotten to bring clean clothes with him into the bathroom
He sighed and reached for his shorts and t-shirt, which at least were mostly dry after his long trek back to the apartment. Slipping them back on, he ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down, deliberately avoiding the mirror. He couldn't stand the idea of looking himself in the eye.
He took a deep breath and braced himself before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping into the hallway. He didn't hear anything, but as he walked toward the living room, the smell of coffee filtered in, and his stomach growled, suddenly and fiercely. In another few steps he was in the living room, where Aaron sat on the end of the sofa, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, sipping coffee.
Noah waited until the cup was safely away from Aaron's mouth before he spoke. "Hey," he said, almost smiling when Aaron jumped and swiveled around to face him.
"Hey," Aaron replied, staring at him for a moment and then waving toward the far end of the sofa. "Sit," he said, and Noah raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, sit," Aaron said. "We need to talk."
Slowly, reluctantly, Noah moved around the sofa and sat. Aaron held out his coffee, and Noah took it with a nod, getting a few sips and then holding it back out. Aaron waved him off. "It's yours, bro," he said. "You need it more than I do."
Noah couldn't argue with him there, so he didn't. He waited, staring into the cup, for whatever Aaron had to say.
"Luke left."
Noah looked up, surprised. Yeah, he'd told Luke to leave, but he didn't think he'd actually do it. This was Luke Snyder. He didn't follow orders from anyone.
"He didn't want to leave," Aaron said, and Noah let his gaze fall back to the cup.
"He must have," he muttered. "Have you ever known Luke to do anything he didn't want to do?"
"Yes," Aaron replied immediately. "When he's doing it for someone he loves."
Noah's head snapped up, his eyes locking with Aaron's. "That's old news, Aaron," he said. "I mean, yeah, I know he still cares about me. But he moved on. He's got Reid now."
He watched Aaron smile slowly, and he felt his eyebrows lifting in response. "What?" he asked.
"Nothing," Aaron said. "Except that Luke broke up with the good doctor, oh, about nine and a half months ago."
"Nine and a half--" Noah's mouth popped shut as realization hit, and then fell out open again. "Wait. Hold on. You're saying he broke up with R-Reid before I left Oakdale?" Aaron nodded. "And he didn't tell me?" Aaron nodded again. "But why would he--"
He stopped, a wave of dizziness running over him that had nothing to do with exhaustion or hunger or lack of sleep as he made the connections. Luke had said he had something to talk to Noah about when Noah went over to tell him about the scholarship. "That was it, wasn't it?" he murmured. "He was going to tell me then, but I told him about the scholarship, and he knew if he'd said anything, anything…"
"Then you would've stayed in Oakdale with him," Aaron finished. He leaned forward, laying a hand on Noah's knee. "And he loved you too much to let you do anything that stupid."
Noah would've glared that Aaron for that, but his mind was too busy alternating between jumping up and down with glee and melting down into total despair. Luke wasn't with Reid any more. Luke maybe still loved him.
Luke was on his way to the airport to leave him.
Noah leapt up and practically ran for his bedroom, barely hearing Aaron calling his name. He yanked off his clothes and pulled on the first pair of jeans his hands landed on as quickly as he could manage. Tugging on a t-shirt just as quickly, he rooted around for his wallet, and shoved his feet into his sneakers, forgoing socks, cursing when one of the laces knotted and he had to fight with it to get it tied. Finally successful, he headed toward the door, stopping only when Aaron blocked his path.
"Here," Aaron said, holding up a hand, his keyring dangling from one finger. "Malia's got the car. Take the bike."
Grinning wide, Noah grabbed the keys and headed out the door.
************
Noah drove as carefully as he could stand, still a relative novice on the motorcycle despite Aaron's patient instruction since they'd moved. Noah rarely rode the bike, but having it as backup had come in handy a few times. Like today.
Traffic was heavy as he drove north toward the airport, but it was moving well, and Noah tried to keep his breathing slow and steady, tried to stay calm. He made it to the airport in just over a half-hour, pulling into short-term parking and settling the motorcycle in. As he took off the helmet and secured it in place, he realized he hadn't even thought about how he was going to get to Luke's gate. Modern life wasn't like his old movies--he couldn't exactly walk through security without getting himself arrested.
Fortunately for him, someone else seemed to be doing the thinking. Just as he headed toward the terminal to try to figure out a way in, his phone buzzed in his pocket with a new text message. He checked to find it came from Malia.
Booked you onto AirWest 183 to SFO, 10:20. Terminal 7, same as Luke's. Extra helmet's in the trunk.
He grinned. Malia always had his back.
************
Noah felt like he was vibrating from head to toe. He figured he was damn lucky his jittery behavior wasn't enough to set off any alarm bells with the TSA, not to mention his decided lack of baggage. He smiled and showed his boarding pass and ID, kicked off his shoes for the metal detectors, did everything you do when you have to be somewhere and can't afford any delays.
Cleared through security, he barely paused to shove his feet back into his sneakers before taking off down the concourse. He stopped at the first information screen he passed and found Luke's flight and gate number, checked the signage and ran in the right direction.
He pulled up to a stop at the gate, gasping for breath, just in time to watch the plane turn toward the taxiway and disappear. He threw up his hands and barely resisted the urge to scream his frustration.
Why did life never turn out like the movies?
Noah stood staring out the window for long moments, feeling as if the plane had ripped out his heart and taken it away. Eventually, as if on autopilot, he turned to leave.
Four feet away from him, sitting leaned forward in his seat, staring at the floor between his feet, sat Luke.
Noah's heart jolted back to life in his chest and started pounding. In two long strides, he was grabbing Luke by the arms and hauling him up into a kiss.
Luke's "oof!" of surprise was cut off by Noah's lips, but it took him only seconds to start kissing Noah back. As kisses went, it wasn't one of their smoothest efforts, but what it lacked in finesse it more than made up for with pure, raw passion. Their tongue dueled, small moans passing back and forth between them, and when they finally broke apart, they were both grinning like loons.
"You're here," Luke said, wonder in his voice, fingers wrapping into Noah's hair.
"You're here," Noah replied, breathing hard, hands caressing Luke's hips. "I thought I'd missed you."
Luke laughed. "I couldn't go." His smile fell away, and he ran his hands down the sides of Noah's face. "I just couldn't. Not like that, not with you angry and hurting and not without telling you--"
Noah kissed him again to stop the flow of words. When the kiss broke, he took a breath. "I know," he whispered. "Aaron told me. I know you broke up with Reid, before I even left Oakdale. I know why you didn't tell me. And if I didn't love you already, if I hadn't loved you nonstop almost since the first day I laid eyes on you, then that would've flipped the switch."
Luke couldn't seem to stop touching him. Or looking at him. "I should have told you," he said. "But I knew if I did, then you wouldn't go. Because I knew you still loved me. And I still loved you too, Noah, I still do, I never stopped, not for a minute, I swear--"
Noah decided his new favorite pastime was going to be shutting Luke up with kisses. He'd nearly forgotten just how much fun it was.
Luke was laughing when the kiss finally broke. His eyes shone up at Noah, bright like a supernova, and Noah felt his heart tumbling again. He brushed his fingers down Luke's cheek. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "I was so scared I'd never see how beautiful you are ever again."
Those eyes were suddenly wet. "I know," Luke replied, voice breaking a little. "I'm sorry I couldn't see how scared you were. I was just too scared myself."
Noah kissed him one more time, soft, gentle. He leaned back and smiled. "C'mon," he said. "Let's get out of here."
Luke grinned wide and grabbed Noah's hand, pulling him down the concourse toward baggage claim and parking. "Any particular place in mind?"
"Well," Noah said, moving close up behind Luke, sliding a hand around to his stomach. "There's this apartment at Torrance Beach I heard about."
Luke stopped in his tracks and whirled around to grab the sides of Noah's face, pulling his mouth down to meet his own. He drove his tongue deep, drawing a whimper out of Noah, who yanked their hips together and ground his quickly growing erection against Luke's. Luke groaned into his mouth, kissing him harder, and it was only through sheer force of will that Noah managed to break away.
"We're gonna get arrested if you keep that up," he rasped out. "And while it might be an okay idea for fantasy fodder, a jail cell isn't exactly where I want to spend my evening."
Luke shot him a dirty smile, running his tongue across his teeth. "Then you'd better get me somewhere private in a big hurry," he said. "Or I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions."
Noah kissed him again, hard and fast, then grabbed his hand and dragged him toward the doors. He had a fleeting thought of trying to retrieve Luke's suitcase from the airline's clutches, but he dismissed it immediately. That would wait. This wouldn't.
************
Luke had never ridden on a motorcycle. He'd never thought about it, but when Noah led him over to what Luke knew was Aaron's bike, Luke knew his eyes were like saucers.
"Um, Noah," he said, haltingly. "Do you... when did you learn to ride a motorcycle?"
Noah grinned at him, reaching to pull open the trunk and get out the extra helmet. "At Fort Leonard Wood, actually," he admitted. He stepped close to Luke, dropping his grip on Luke's hand and lifting the helmet, settling it onto Luke's head. "My dad went off to a conference in DC the summer after my sophomore year. I was almost seventeen, so he just left me home alone. A couple of guys in the barracks took it upon themselves to keep an eye on me while he was gone, and one of them decided the perfect way to spend the week was to teach me to ride."
He'd gotten the straps fastened properly under Luke's chin, but Luke felt completely out of place. He might be an expert horseman, but he didn't think he'd ever pass for a biker. He was sure the bewilderment he could feel on his face didn't help matters.
"What did your dad say when he found out?"
"He didn't." Noah reached for his own helmet and strapped it on quickly. "Greg might have been crazy to teach me, but he wasn't crazy enough to let the Colonel find out about it. Anyway, Aaron gave me a few refreshers, and I got my motorcycle license almost six months ago. Makes it easier to get around, since we can share both it and the car, depending on what we need."
Luke felt like his head was going to explode. He'd simply had to absorb too much new information over the past few days. Noah had a new life, new friends, new hobbies, and none of them included Luke.
The feel of Noah's fingers wrapping around his pulled him from his thoughts. "Hey," Noah said. "You okay in there?"
Luke nodded slowly, studying Noah's face, framed by the black of the helmet. "Is this... are we going to be okay?"
He wanted to say so much more than that, ask questions and tell Noah stories and fill in all the blanks between them. But he couldn't get any more than that out, not now. Noah seemed to understand. He brought up his free hand and ran his fingers down Luke's cheek, brushing them across his mouth.
"We're going to be okay," he replied, his voice soft. "We've made it this far."
Luke smiled against Noah's fingertips. "Yeah," he whispered. "Let's see how much farther we can go."
Noah smiled, too. He pulled his hand away and lowered the shield on first Luke's helmet and then his before stepping back and turning to slide his leg across the motorcycle. As he settled into the seat, he threw a sly grin back over his shoulder at Luke. "Hop on," he said. "And be sure to hold on tight."
Luke's heart pounded, and he climbed onto the bike behind Noah, pulling his feet up onto the small footrests and leaning forward to wrap both arms around Noah's waist. "I don't think holding on tight is going to be any problem at all," he said, and Noah reached down to run his palm across Luke's forearm.
"Just behave yourself, Snyder," he said, his voice a low rumble. "Distracting the driver won't seem like so such fun if I drive us into a wall."
Luke laughed, and Noah brought the bike to life, pulling out of the parking space and heading them toward Torrance, and their next step forward.
Part 9
Authors: Surfer Hips Productions (aka dazzling_icer, carolinablu85, and noelleleithe)
Artists: la_fours and noelleleithe
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Other Notes and Art Links: In Master Post
PART 8
Noah ran.
His feet pounded out a steady beat on the wet sand, controlled strides, measured pace. His heart pounded out a steady beat in his chest. The ocean pounded out a steady beat of waves onto the beach to his left.
His head just pounded.
Running had become Noah's escape. Going for a run would occupy his body while his mind worked things through. It was a damn sight better than running away from life, which he'd done so many times he couldn't begin to count.
Running had cost him Luke.
Nine months should have been enough. Nine months of rebuilding his life here in Torrance, studying filmmaking, making new friends, learning to surf, working for Kan. He'd inscribed his journey on his skin, in stark black, permanent reminders of where he'd been and where he needed to go.
One look at Luke, and all of it shattered at his feet. He'd built a house of glass.
He'd never let Luke go.
Even through all he'd done since he left Oakdale, he'd never been able to rid himself of that little spark of hope. He ignored it, covered it up, pretended it didn't exist. Stuffed it down into the corner of his mind where his darkest secrets resided and ran away from it, as far and as fast as he could.
But it never died. And seeing Luke again made it flare right back up again.
Noah's heart ached, not just from the punishment he was putting it through as he ran, harder and faster with every step, but from the memories that flashed through his mind despite his best efforts. Luke on that first day at WOAK, snarky and annoyed, and even then Noah had been drawn to him, a drab moth to Luke's brilliant flame. Luke's face in Branson when he'd walked in on Noah and Maddie, and his confession that afternoon. A moonlight swim, the summer heat no match for the spark between them.
A kiss so simple, so perfect that it made Noah's heart shatter and heal all at once, until real life broke the spell and tore Noah away. As it did again and again and again, gradually fraying the tightly woven threads between them until they broke and fell away, leaving him standing alone, watching Luke walk into the arms of another man.
Faster and faster the images flew through Noah's mind, so much like they had just a day earlier, a kaleidoscope of light and color and sound assaulting his senses until he found himself gasping and pulled gradually to a stop, becoming aware only then of just how hard he'd been pushing himself. His lungs burned and he couldn't catch his breath, and he leaned forward, hands on his shaking knees, only barely staying upright as he brought himself out of his mind and into reality.
Reality where Luke was still with Reid, and Noah was still alone.
Slowly, he stood back up, sliding his hands to his hips and turning back the way he'd come, shaking out his legs, easing the ache of overuse. He walked slowly, sliding back into his thoughts but keeping careful control this time.
He loved Luke. He probably would always love Luke. His heart didn't seem to know how to do anything else. Sure, he could move on, find someone new, probably even fall in love again, but no one would ever be able to reach that part of him that no longer lived within him. Luke had a piece of him that Noah could never get back, and even if he could, he didn't want to. He'd given it freely, and that one gift had done more for him than anything else he'd ever done in his life.
Loving Luke had taught him the meaning of the word, and he could never regret that, not in a million years. Not if it meant spending the rest of his life without him.
The sky was beginning to lighten as he walked back toward the apartment, and Noah's scattered thoughts gradually coalesced into a plan. He'd tell Luke everything, make sure he knew that Noah had never stopped loving him, even through the fear had blinded him figuratively just as surely as the accident had blinded him literally. He knew he'd hurt Luke, and he knew he probably didn't deserve forgiveness for it, but he couldn't help remembering what Luke had said to him two years earlier, on the rooftop of the hospital after everything that had happened with Brian.
"What happened to loving people, faults and all?" he'd said. "Is it too much to ask you to love me for me, instead of who you want me to be?
Neither of them were perfect, Noah knew. No one was. But they could fix a lot of things, and one of the biggest was to give each other a break. Stop expecting each other to do everything right, handle everything perfectly. Stop turning away when things got bad.
It was time, Noah knew, for both of them to stop running.
************
He wasn't sure how many hours had passed by the time he made it back to the apartment. He didn't know how far he'd run either, but walking back seemed to take forever. His leg muscles screamed at him as he climbed the stairs. He wanted nothing more than a long, hot shower and about twelve hours of sleep. He slipped his key into the door, trying to be quiet, not wanting to wake everyone when it was still a good hour until sunrise.
He got the door only halfway open before it was yanked out of his hand.
"Noah! Holy shit, where have you been!" Aaron grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. "Kan said you left hours ago! Jesus Christ, man, you gotta quit giving us all heart failure like that!"
Noah blinked. "I went for a run," he said, unable to come up with anything else.
His eyes tracked past Aaron to land on the sofa, where Luke sat staring at him, eyes wet and bloodshot, dark circles under them. He looked like he hadn't slept in days and had been crying for hours.
He was still the most beautiful thing Noah had ever seen.
Malia had one arm wrapped around Luke's shoulder, and her eyes shot daggers at Noah. "You fucking idiot," she spat out, angrier than Noah had ever seen her. "Do you have any idea what you put us through tonight?"
He hadn't even considered it. They had every right to be pissed at him.
"Shit, I'm sorry guys," Noah said, leaning on the wall by the door, dropping the sneakers in his hand to the floor and his forehead to the side against the paneling. "I didn't think. I should've called or texted or something." What Aaron had said finally registered. "Did Kan call?"
"Texted while you were talking," Aaron replied. Noah hadn't even noticed. "And then he called once you left. We'd just about gotten calmed down after finding out you were with him, and then you never showed up here. Luke was about five minutes from calling the cops. Five minutes past, really. We were pretty much physically holding him back."
Noah's gaze moved from Aaron back to Luke, whose eyes had gone from devastated to infuriated. Noah took a breath to try to head him off, but it was too late. Luke was on his feet and in his face in three long strides.
"Fuck you, Noah," he growled. "Fuck you with a fucking chainsaw. You never think about anyone but yourself, do you? You do whatever the fuck your messed-up head tells you to do and don't give two shits about how it affects anyone else. You never learn a thing." He snorted. "And neither do I. I'm just an idiot who can't seem to let you go the way you so obviously want me to."
Noah barely noticed Malia grabbing Aaron by the arm and dragging him outside, the door closing behind them. Everything Noah had thought about, everything he'd decided, fell away like it had never existed. Luke filled his consciousness, and sudden fury made him see red.
"You're one to talk," he shot back. "You're nothing but a selfish little brat who thinks everything's all about you. You cut and run when I'm dealing with being blind just because I couldn't fill your every little need. You were so desperate for attention that you took up with my asshole of a doctor, of all people!"
"You pushed me away, Noah!" Luke yelled. "You always push me away. When things were good, fine, I could be with you and live with you and fuck you, but anytime anything went wrong, suddenly I didn't matter. All that mattered was you and your fucking space. You were supposed to be my partner, but the truth is that I always came in second, to your goddamned father or your need for independence or whatever excuse you could come up with not to let me in. And I just couldn't take it for one more second."
"And you thought Reid Fucking Oliver would be an improvement?" Noah's head felt like it would explode. "The truth isn't that you weren't good enough for me, Luke. The truth is that I was never good enough for you. I don't think anything I could do would ever make me good enough in your eyes."
He crossed his arms over his chest. He was done. "Go home, Luke," he said. "Go back to your genius boyfriend and your loving family and your fucking gold-plated life. I don't want you here any more."
Luke stared at him, face flushed, eyes wide, and Noah had to fight off the urge to grab Luke and kiss him, like he'd done the day they'd fought in Old Town, and drag him down the hall to his bedroom to recreate the rest of that afternoon. Instead, he pushed past Luke and stalked down the hallway to the bathroom, locking himself inside and starting the shower, turning the water up as hot as he could stand. He stripped off his clothes, stepping under the spray and letting it beat down on his skin.
He tried to convince himself that the wetness on his face was sweat and not tears.
************
Luke stood rooted to the same spot for a good five minutes after Noah disappeared down the hall, his mouth still hanging half-open, unspoken words lying on his tongue.
Jesus Christ, he thought. We're never going to stop fucking this up.
He ran a hand down his face and plopped into the chair nearest him, his legs no longer willing to hold him up. Everything he'd been holding back since he'd first seen Noah coming out of the water two days earlier surged through him: lust, love, pain, need, desire, but most of all a driving, unrelenting need to fix this. Whatever this was, whatever it would end up being, they couldn't go on the way things were. Not with so much unsaid.
But Noah didn't want to hear it.
And Luke couldn't even blame him.
He wanted to go home so badly that his hands shook with it. But when he thought about Oakdale, it didn't help. Oakdale didn't feel all that much like home any more. His family was great, loved him, supported him even when he screwed up, but there was one big, gaping hole he couldn't avoid. Not any more.
He blew out a long breath, trying to get a grip on himself, and pulled out his phone. A call to the airline and an exorbitant fee got him onto a flight later that morning, and another call got a cab headed his way. He pushed to his feet, crossing over to the duffel bag he'd dumped in the corner, and tossed it onto the sofa, stuffing back in the few things he'd unpacked. He'd just go back home... back to Oakdale and regroup. Try to figure out what to do next.
Try to figure out if there was any possible way he could live without Noah.
He jumped when the front door opened a few inches and looked over to see Aaron's face peeking in the crack. "Is it safe to come back in?"
Luke tried to smile. "Yeah," he said, looking back down at his bag. "Yeah, it's okay."
Aaron stepped inside, following Luke's gaze. He didn't say anything about it, just held out a hand wrapped around a paper cup. "Coffee?"
"Oh god yes." Luke took the cup and tugged off the lid, blowing across the surface to cool it a bit before taking a sip. And another. And a larger one. Warmth gradually seeped through him, but it didn't touch the frozen spot in his chest.
Luke sighed and sat on the edge of the sofa next to his bag. "I'm going home," he said, staring into his coffee as if it would give him the answers he needed. "I just ... I thought it would be okay, but I didn't know. I didn't have a clue."
The cushions shifted as Aaron sat down next to him. "What happened?"
Luke shrugged, keeping his head down. "Doesn't matter," he said. "It's still too messed up. I don't know if it ever won't be messed up."
"So you're just leaving?"
Luke did look up then, to find Aaron staring him down. "I'm not just leaving," Luke bit out. "Noah told me to go. He said he doesn't want me here."
Aaron lifted an eyebrow. "And have you told him the truth yet?"
"About what?"
"About Reid, you dumbass," Aaron shot back. "You don't think it would make any difference to tell Noah that you dumped the motherfucker before Noah even left Oakdale?"
Luke jumped up, setting the half-drunk coffee on the end table and grabbing his bag. "No, I don't," he lied. "If I did, I would've told him."
Aaron stared at him, clearly bewildered. "Why wouldn't it?"
It would make a difference, Luke knew. Noah thought he was still with Reid, and telling him the truth would change everything. But Luke just didn't know how to tell Noah what happened. What he'd done, and why. He'd screwed everything up, just like he always did, and he was too chickenshit to admit it. To admit that Reid was a giant mistake, one that he'd take back in a heartbeat if he thought it had any chance of changing the way things had turned out.
But it was too late anyway. Noah didn't want him.
"I'm going," he said, his hands tightening into fists. "I'm on American at 10:15. Cab should be here any minute."
Aaron stood up then. "Wait, you're leaving now now?" he said. "I thought--"
"I can't stay, Aaron." Luke bit his lip. "I just... I'll come back in a few more months or something. But I can't stay here."
The sound of running water that had been filtering down the hallway for the past twenty minutes cut off, filling the air with silence. Luke hooked the strap of his bag over his shoulder and picked up his coffee. "Thanks for everything, Aaron," he said. "It was really great seeing you."
He stepped over to give his big brother--genetics or not--a one-armed hug that Aaron returned immediately. Luke soaked up the bit of comfort he could before stepping back and away.
"Take care," Luke said. "And tell Noah--" His voice broke. "Tell Noah I said I'm sorry."
Aaron seemed about to argue again, but he stopped himself and nodded. "Okay," he said. "Safe travels, bro."
Luke had to grin at that, and then he was out the door and gone.
************
Noah had forgotten to bring clean clothes with him into the bathroom
He sighed and reached for his shorts and t-shirt, which at least were mostly dry after his long trek back to the apartment. Slipping them back on, he ran a hand through his hair to smooth it down, deliberately avoiding the mirror. He couldn't stand the idea of looking himself in the eye.
He took a deep breath and braced himself before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping into the hallway. He didn't hear anything, but as he walked toward the living room, the smell of coffee filtered in, and his stomach growled, suddenly and fiercely. In another few steps he was in the living room, where Aaron sat on the end of the sofa, one ankle resting on the opposite knee, sipping coffee.
Noah waited until the cup was safely away from Aaron's mouth before he spoke. "Hey," he said, almost smiling when Aaron jumped and swiveled around to face him.
"Hey," Aaron replied, staring at him for a moment and then waving toward the far end of the sofa. "Sit," he said, and Noah raised an eyebrow. "C'mon, sit," Aaron said. "We need to talk."
Slowly, reluctantly, Noah moved around the sofa and sat. Aaron held out his coffee, and Noah took it with a nod, getting a few sips and then holding it back out. Aaron waved him off. "It's yours, bro," he said. "You need it more than I do."
Noah couldn't argue with him there, so he didn't. He waited, staring into the cup, for whatever Aaron had to say.
"Luke left."
Noah looked up, surprised. Yeah, he'd told Luke to leave, but he didn't think he'd actually do it. This was Luke Snyder. He didn't follow orders from anyone.
"He didn't want to leave," Aaron said, and Noah let his gaze fall back to the cup.
"He must have," he muttered. "Have you ever known Luke to do anything he didn't want to do?"
"Yes," Aaron replied immediately. "When he's doing it for someone he loves."
Noah's head snapped up, his eyes locking with Aaron's. "That's old news, Aaron," he said. "I mean, yeah, I know he still cares about me. But he moved on. He's got Reid now."
He watched Aaron smile slowly, and he felt his eyebrows lifting in response. "What?" he asked.
"Nothing," Aaron said. "Except that Luke broke up with the good doctor, oh, about nine and a half months ago."
"Nine and a half--" Noah's mouth popped shut as realization hit, and then fell out open again. "Wait. Hold on. You're saying he broke up with R-Reid before I left Oakdale?" Aaron nodded. "And he didn't tell me?" Aaron nodded again. "But why would he--"
He stopped, a wave of dizziness running over him that had nothing to do with exhaustion or hunger or lack of sleep as he made the connections. Luke had said he had something to talk to Noah about when Noah went over to tell him about the scholarship. "That was it, wasn't it?" he murmured. "He was going to tell me then, but I told him about the scholarship, and he knew if he'd said anything, anything…"
"Then you would've stayed in Oakdale with him," Aaron finished. He leaned forward, laying a hand on Noah's knee. "And he loved you too much to let you do anything that stupid."
Noah would've glared that Aaron for that, but his mind was too busy alternating between jumping up and down with glee and melting down into total despair. Luke wasn't with Reid any more. Luke maybe still loved him.
Luke was on his way to the airport to leave him.
Noah leapt up and practically ran for his bedroom, barely hearing Aaron calling his name. He yanked off his clothes and pulled on the first pair of jeans his hands landed on as quickly as he could manage. Tugging on a t-shirt just as quickly, he rooted around for his wallet, and shoved his feet into his sneakers, forgoing socks, cursing when one of the laces knotted and he had to fight with it to get it tied. Finally successful, he headed toward the door, stopping only when Aaron blocked his path.
"Here," Aaron said, holding up a hand, his keyring dangling from one finger. "Malia's got the car. Take the bike."
Grinning wide, Noah grabbed the keys and headed out the door.
************
Noah drove as carefully as he could stand, still a relative novice on the motorcycle despite Aaron's patient instruction since they'd moved. Noah rarely rode the bike, but having it as backup had come in handy a few times. Like today.
Traffic was heavy as he drove north toward the airport, but it was moving well, and Noah tried to keep his breathing slow and steady, tried to stay calm. He made it to the airport in just over a half-hour, pulling into short-term parking and settling the motorcycle in. As he took off the helmet and secured it in place, he realized he hadn't even thought about how he was going to get to Luke's gate. Modern life wasn't like his old movies--he couldn't exactly walk through security without getting himself arrested.
Fortunately for him, someone else seemed to be doing the thinking. Just as he headed toward the terminal to try to figure out a way in, his phone buzzed in his pocket with a new text message. He checked to find it came from Malia.
Booked you onto AirWest 183 to SFO, 10:20. Terminal 7, same as Luke's. Extra helmet's in the trunk.
He grinned. Malia always had his back.
************
Noah felt like he was vibrating from head to toe. He figured he was damn lucky his jittery behavior wasn't enough to set off any alarm bells with the TSA, not to mention his decided lack of baggage. He smiled and showed his boarding pass and ID, kicked off his shoes for the metal detectors, did everything you do when you have to be somewhere and can't afford any delays.
Cleared through security, he barely paused to shove his feet back into his sneakers before taking off down the concourse. He stopped at the first information screen he passed and found Luke's flight and gate number, checked the signage and ran in the right direction.
He pulled up to a stop at the gate, gasping for breath, just in time to watch the plane turn toward the taxiway and disappear. He threw up his hands and barely resisted the urge to scream his frustration.
Why did life never turn out like the movies?
Noah stood staring out the window for long moments, feeling as if the plane had ripped out his heart and taken it away. Eventually, as if on autopilot, he turned to leave.
Four feet away from him, sitting leaned forward in his seat, staring at the floor between his feet, sat Luke.
Noah's heart jolted back to life in his chest and started pounding. In two long strides, he was grabbing Luke by the arms and hauling him up into a kiss.
Luke's "oof!" of surprise was cut off by Noah's lips, but it took him only seconds to start kissing Noah back. As kisses went, it wasn't one of their smoothest efforts, but what it lacked in finesse it more than made up for with pure, raw passion. Their tongue dueled, small moans passing back and forth between them, and when they finally broke apart, they were both grinning like loons.
"You're here," Luke said, wonder in his voice, fingers wrapping into Noah's hair.
"You're here," Noah replied, breathing hard, hands caressing Luke's hips. "I thought I'd missed you."
Luke laughed. "I couldn't go." His smile fell away, and he ran his hands down the sides of Noah's face. "I just couldn't. Not like that, not with you angry and hurting and not without telling you--"
Noah kissed him again to stop the flow of words. When the kiss broke, he took a breath. "I know," he whispered. "Aaron told me. I know you broke up with Reid, before I even left Oakdale. I know why you didn't tell me. And if I didn't love you already, if I hadn't loved you nonstop almost since the first day I laid eyes on you, then that would've flipped the switch."
Luke couldn't seem to stop touching him. Or looking at him. "I should have told you," he said. "But I knew if I did, then you wouldn't go. Because I knew you still loved me. And I still loved you too, Noah, I still do, I never stopped, not for a minute, I swear--"
Noah decided his new favorite pastime was going to be shutting Luke up with kisses. He'd nearly forgotten just how much fun it was.
Luke was laughing when the kiss finally broke. His eyes shone up at Noah, bright like a supernova, and Noah felt his heart tumbling again. He brushed his fingers down Luke's cheek. "You're so beautiful," he whispered. "I was so scared I'd never see how beautiful you are ever again."
Those eyes were suddenly wet. "I know," Luke replied, voice breaking a little. "I'm sorry I couldn't see how scared you were. I was just too scared myself."
Noah kissed him one more time, soft, gentle. He leaned back and smiled. "C'mon," he said. "Let's get out of here."
Luke grinned wide and grabbed Noah's hand, pulling him down the concourse toward baggage claim and parking. "Any particular place in mind?"
"Well," Noah said, moving close up behind Luke, sliding a hand around to his stomach. "There's this apartment at Torrance Beach I heard about."
Luke stopped in his tracks and whirled around to grab the sides of Noah's face, pulling his mouth down to meet his own. He drove his tongue deep, drawing a whimper out of Noah, who yanked their hips together and ground his quickly growing erection against Luke's. Luke groaned into his mouth, kissing him harder, and it was only through sheer force of will that Noah managed to break away.
"We're gonna get arrested if you keep that up," he rasped out. "And while it might be an okay idea for fantasy fodder, a jail cell isn't exactly where I want to spend my evening."
Luke shot him a dirty smile, running his tongue across his teeth. "Then you'd better get me somewhere private in a big hurry," he said. "Or I'm not going to be held responsible for my actions."
Noah kissed him again, hard and fast, then grabbed his hand and dragged him toward the doors. He had a fleeting thought of trying to retrieve Luke's suitcase from the airline's clutches, but he dismissed it immediately. That would wait. This wouldn't.
************
Luke had never ridden on a motorcycle. He'd never thought about it, but when Noah led him over to what Luke knew was Aaron's bike, Luke knew his eyes were like saucers.
"Um, Noah," he said, haltingly. "Do you... when did you learn to ride a motorcycle?"
Noah grinned at him, reaching to pull open the trunk and get out the extra helmet. "At Fort Leonard Wood, actually," he admitted. He stepped close to Luke, dropping his grip on Luke's hand and lifting the helmet, settling it onto Luke's head. "My dad went off to a conference in DC the summer after my sophomore year. I was almost seventeen, so he just left me home alone. A couple of guys in the barracks took it upon themselves to keep an eye on me while he was gone, and one of them decided the perfect way to spend the week was to teach me to ride."
He'd gotten the straps fastened properly under Luke's chin, but Luke felt completely out of place. He might be an expert horseman, but he didn't think he'd ever pass for a biker. He was sure the bewilderment he could feel on his face didn't help matters.
"What did your dad say when he found out?"
"He didn't." Noah reached for his own helmet and strapped it on quickly. "Greg might have been crazy to teach me, but he wasn't crazy enough to let the Colonel find out about it. Anyway, Aaron gave me a few refreshers, and I got my motorcycle license almost six months ago. Makes it easier to get around, since we can share both it and the car, depending on what we need."
Luke felt like his head was going to explode. He'd simply had to absorb too much new information over the past few days. Noah had a new life, new friends, new hobbies, and none of them included Luke.
The feel of Noah's fingers wrapping around his pulled him from his thoughts. "Hey," Noah said. "You okay in there?"
Luke nodded slowly, studying Noah's face, framed by the black of the helmet. "Is this... are we going to be okay?"
He wanted to say so much more than that, ask questions and tell Noah stories and fill in all the blanks between them. But he couldn't get any more than that out, not now. Noah seemed to understand. He brought up his free hand and ran his fingers down Luke's cheek, brushing them across his mouth.
"We're going to be okay," he replied, his voice soft. "We've made it this far."
Luke smiled against Noah's fingertips. "Yeah," he whispered. "Let's see how much farther we can go."
Noah smiled, too. He pulled his hand away and lowered the shield on first Luke's helmet and then his before stepping back and turning to slide his leg across the motorcycle. As he settled into the seat, he threw a sly grin back over his shoulder at Luke. "Hop on," he said. "And be sure to hold on tight."
Luke's heart pounded, and he climbed onto the bike behind Noah, pulling his feet up onto the small footrests and leaning forward to wrap both arms around Noah's waist. "I don't think holding on tight is going to be any problem at all," he said, and Noah reached down to run his palm across Luke's forearm.
"Just behave yourself, Snyder," he said, his voice a low rumble. "Distracting the driver won't seem like so such fun if I drive us into a wall."
Luke laughed, and Noah brought the bike to life, pulling out of the parking space and heading them toward Torrance, and their next step forward.
Part 9