FIC: RUNNING THE BREAK (7/10)
Title: Running the Break (7/10)
Authors: Surfer Hips Productions (aka dazzling_icer, carolinablu85, and noelleleithe)
Artists: la_fours and noelleleithe
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Other Notes and Art Links: In Master Post
PART 7
Luke had hoped by the next morning he'd feel more settled and maybe be able to figure out just what the hell almost happened last night, but no such luck. He almost begged off when Aaron dragged him out of bed to go surfing with everyone, but he didn't want to hide. He was part Walsh, damn it. He had more pride than that, right?
"We always start beginners on long boards," Malia spoke as she laid two boards flat on the sand. "It seems counterintuitive, but they're actually much more stable and easier to stand up on than the short, maneuverable ones."
"Okay," Luke wiped his hands on his board shorts, a little nervous. He glanced out at the ocean again, where the rest of the group, including Noah and Aaron, were in some sort of makeshift line waiting for a wave to catch. The waves out there looked enormous and intimidating, and the sounds of them crashing echoed all the way to where he and Malia stood.
She smiled, understanding. "Don't worry, there's no way I'm letting you out there today. I wouldn't for awhile, they're not for beginners. Now," she clapped her hands excitedly. "Let me show you the basics."
He spent a little time watching and listening to her as she explained the fundamentals of Surfing For Dummies, to the point of where he was almost thinking he could maybe do this without accidentally dying.
Malia was now standing and regarding him seriously, and Luke had to wonder if she was deciding if he measured up or not. "Now, Luke buddy, there's more to surfing than just the technical stuff."
"Okay..." he was slightly thrown off by her serious tone.
She nodded. "You have to feel these things out, it takes a certain amount of instinct and learning as you go." She set her board back down on the sand, then caught his gaze. "Each wave is special, you know? Unique. You have to treat it right. When you're catching a wave, you're not the master in the relationship. You're a partner."
He flinched. Partner. Was she doing this on purpose? "Got it."
Malia's head tilted to the side. "Do you? You have to be careful, cautious with it. Otherwise, sure, you can get hurt. But you know what's just as stupid?"
"What?" he asked, voice strained. She was doing this on purpose.
"Not taking the chance at all. Letting the wave pass you by because you're too scared to take that leap. Yeah it's terrifying, but when you do it right? There's no better feeling in the world." Her dark eyes pierced his. "Understand me?"
"I think so," he whispered. "But--"
Her gaze didn't waver. "Good. Because let's just say I love that wave a whole fucking lot. And I think that wave deserves to be about as happy as you can make him. Make it, I mean. Make the wave happy. I mean--" She waved her hand around with a sigh. "Damn it, I've never been good at metaphors, okay?"
And he couldn't help but grin. He was beginning to understand just why Aaron was happy to be whipped in this relationship. He was about to assure Malia he wasn't there to mess with Noah's life--the very opposite, in fact--when once again a shout interrupted him.
But this one wasn't teasing or snarky or anything else he already recognized as a normal element to this group. This was different. Luke and Malia both turned almost in slow motion towards the water, fear already biting the insides of his stomach. Something was wrong.
************
He hadn't felt this on edge in a long time. Noah had been in a fog since that almost-kiss last night with Luke, and when sleeping hadn't really been an option, and running at three in the morning hadn't tired him out, Noah was left with nothing but surfing to try to calm his brain back down.
And it wasn't working.
He listened with half an ear as the guys and Sadie joked and teased each other, one by one catching the next wave that rolled in. For the most part he stared back out at the horizon, until it got so blurry he couldn't tell where ocean ended and sky began. He blinked hard, not wanting to strain his eyes, but unable to look away.
"Noah?" a soft voice brought him back to reality. He turned to the side. Taj was eyeing him, concerned. "You okay, bro?"
Taj was always the first to know when something might be wrong. He was also the first to know when someone was lying, which meant Noah had no idea how to respond to him. So he went with the easiest option, playing dumb. Or, in this case, deaf. "What?"
But now Julian was looking at him too. "Is something wrong? You been having trouble sleeping again?"
Great. If he wasn't careful they'd all be watching him, and no way would he ever get a moment's peace. "I'm fine." He kept his eyes forward, watching as Shane battled with a particularly unruly pass.
"Noah." Aaron's voice was quiet next to him. He was going for gentle, reassuring (he was going for 'Holden'), but for some reason it just pissed Noah off.
He glared at Aaron, the question he'd been keeping in for two days now bursting out. "Why didn't you tell me Luke was coming?"
Aaron reined in a sigh. "For the same reason I didn't tell Luke that we're roommates. Because you two never should've stopped talking. And yeah, maybe I was hoping Luke would contact you and tell you, and maybe I was hoping you would call him to say hi sometime and tell him."
"What's the big deal with Luke?" Rob asked, eyes narrowing.
Noah and Aaron ignored him, all of them, Aaron not done his tirade. "And honestly? Because part of me was afraid if I told you Luke was coming, you'd take off. Disappear for a few days until he went home again. No way was I going to let that happen."
Sadie's eyes were suddenly wide with understanding. "Oh shit. It's Luke. He's the ex, the one you never want to talk about. Isn't he?"
The group knew most of Noah's life story, but he hadn't been able to go into every detail. They knew he'd been in love with someone and it hadn't ended well, but he never told them a name. He couldn't. Malia and Aaron were the only ones who knew. Everyone else had respected it and never pushed, but now...
Now all of them were looking at him with what felt like pity. Like he was the loser who couldn't let go of his last boyfriend. "It's fine. I'm fine," he gritted out.
"What happened last night?" Aaron asked. "There was... something happened, didn't it? You and Luke--"
"Nothing," Noah cut it. "Nothing happened. Because we're over. He's moved on, okay? He did awhile ago. And you know this, Aaron. This isn't news. This is old fucking business. So let it go and stop trying to counsel me."
Aaron shook his head. "I don't buy it," he pressed on. "Come on, Noah, you two still love each other. It's obvious. You don't have to--"
"Aaron." Noah hated that his voice shook. "Let it go. If I have to, then you have to. There's nothing to talk about, we... we're--we're not..." He looked away for a second, grasping the edges of his board tightly to keep his hands from shaking. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Jesus, Noah," Julian said. "If he still messes with your head this much, I don't think it's nothing--"
"Please, guys, just stop." He had to get out of there. He couldn't deal with the pity, the empty platitudes, the memory of Luke pulling away from him so quickly last night. Someone else said his name, he wasn't sure who, but Noah didn't turn. He laid flat on his board, paddling forward as a wave began to crest and swell at the break.
He maneuvered into the barrel of the wave, popping up on his board easily enough, ready to ride it out. But he was still shaking. His balance was off. And every time he tried to focus on the water, something flashed in his mind. A voice, an image, a memory.
"This kind of idiot. Hi, Noah Mayer."
"What's wrong?" "Nothing."
"I love you. I'm so in love with you."
"I want it to be special too." "It will be. It is. I love you."
"Do. Not. Touch me!"
"Are you happy?" "Happy doesn't even begin to cover it."
"Noah. You're my family. And I'm yours."
"You, Luke. You who I love more than my own life."
"I saw you kissing Dr. Oliver!"
"I'm… I'm leaving. That grad school it's… it's in LA."
Last night. Luke about to kiss him. Luke pulling away. Luke walking away.
Suddenly Noah didn't know where he was anymore. The nose of his board dipped too far into the water and got caught in the pull of the wave. The barrel swept him up, knocked him in the chest and off his board. Usually when this happened he could let the wave pass over him and kick back up to the surface, retrieve his board, and try again.
But this wasn't 'usually.' He'd been distracted, and he wasn't in a good position to get free. The wave thrashed him around, pulled him deep under. He tried to fight it, but the riptide slammed into him. Immobilized him. He crashed hard into the rocks and reef at the bottom, scraping his arms and chest.
His head hit viciously against a rock, stunning him for a moment. The world froze to a standstill around him, like somebody hit the pause button. He looked up and up at the surface above, noting how blue and peaceful it looked from here. Almost beautiful.
Then the riptide pulled him again, his head once more connecting violently with the reef. It drove the air from his lungs, which Noah retroactively decided was a bad idea. He gasped, swallowing briny, bitter saltwater. Choking. His vision went dark, and Noah's last thought was how ironic it was that this all happened because his life flashed before his eyes.
************
This wasn't supposed to be happening again.
Luke sat hunched over in the waiting room, staring at his hands. He hated this. He hated hospitals, he hated waiting, he hated rooms and people and oceans and time and distance and everything else that kept him and Noah from being happy.
Voices swirled around him, but Luke concentrated on his hands. They weren't shaking, which meant he wasn't panicking. Which meant everything was okay. Would be okay. Noah would be okay. Luke didn't look up until one of Malia's hands snuck into his line of vision, landing lightly on top of both of his. He glanced at her, and she gave him a semi-smile. "He's gonna be fine," she whispered.
Luke just nodded. Malia was trying, but she couldn't know just how many damn times he'd had to do this- wait for a doctor to come in and tell him if Noah was... He bit his lip, trying to banish those thoughts from his brain.
To distract himself, he looked around the waiting room. Across from him sat Julian and Sadie, talking rapidly about something too quiet for him to hear. Next to them was Taj, who somehow managed to keep Rob almost as quiet and calm as he was (though Rob couldn't stop himself from drumming his hands frenetically against his leg).
Over by the door, Shane was on his cell with his parents, telling them he and Sadie would be late to the lunch shift. Apparently their parents ran a restaurant, some sort of Vietnamese/Middle Eastern fusion thing. Luke knew they had told him the name of the place, but for the life of him he couldn't remember. And Kan was there too, sitting off to the side, eyes closed like he was meditating.
The looks on all their faces hit Luke hard. He realized in that moment that they really did love Noah. They gave him a family that wasn't Snyderized. For the first time in four years, Luke was a guest in Noah's world, not welcoming Noah into his. It was an alien feeling. But, as Malia squeezed his hand a little tighter, pulling him up out of the chair when a doctor appeared, he began to wonder if maybe Noah's world could have room for him too.
The doctor smiled at all of them with a practiced, familiar air. He reached out and clasped hands tightly with Kan before speaking to the group. "He's just fine, kids."
"How fine is 'just fine,' Doc?" Rob clarified.
The doctor was still smiling, and Luke allowed himself to relax just a little bit. "Scrapes and bruises, some stitches on his arm, and a slight concussion. We're going to keep him overnight, so just--"
"Keep him overnight?" Luke cut in. "If it's nothing serious, why does he need to stay overnight?" Part of him wondered how strained his voice sounded, but a bigger part didn't care.
The doctor looked at him curiously, then glanced at Kan. Kan nodded. "This is Luke. He's Aaron's brother and Noah's aikane." Luke had no idea what that word meant, and judging by the confused looks on almost everyone's faces, they didn't either (though Malia and Taj might've smiled).
The doctor, however, must have known more than a little Hawaiian because he accepted it with a smile, focusing on Luke. "It's just a precaution because of the head wound. Noah has major neurosurgery and trauma in his medical history, so we just want to play it safe. But I swear, kid, he's fine. He'll be back in the water in no time."
"Thank God," Aaron mumbled, closing his eyes for a second.
"Mahalo, Bren," Kan thanked the man, clasping his hand again.
The doctor grinned. "Just doing my job, as always. Give us a few minutes to get him settled in a room, then you all can go in and see him." The group thanked him again, and he waved as he headed back past the double doors into one of the wings of the hospital.
Luke turned to Malia, confused. "We're not family. He's just going to let us go back there?"
She smiled, much more calm and reassuring than she had been minutes ago. "Dr. Bren is an old friend of the family's. He's... pretty lenient with the rules. We always go to him when we get banged up in the water or," she glanced at Rob, "in bar brawls." Rob smirked and shrugged, unrepentant.
Luke was about to ask just how often they all ended up in the hospital, but he was interrupted by the ringing of his cell. He exchanged a quick look and nod with Aaron and moved away from the group, pulling out his phone. A glance at the screen had him dropping back heavily into a chair. "Dad?"
"Luke," Holden's voice was quiet, just this side of worried.
That almost punched Luke in the gut. Oh God, what else could be wrong right now? "What is it? Why are you calling? Did something--"
"Aaron called me," his dad interrupted. "On the way to the hospital, told me what happened. Are you all right? Is Noah okay?"
Luke had to smile. They may have forgotten for a little while, but it was clear Noah still had family in Oakdale. "Yeah. We just talked to the doctor. He's okay."
"Aaron said he hit his head. He was unconscious," Holden continued, not convinced.
"Yeah," Luke cleared his throat. "But the doctor said it's only a minor concussion. He's fine, he didn't knock any screws loose from before," he tried to joke.
"And you're okay?" Holden persisted.
Luke nodded, forgetting he was on the phone for a moment. "I'm… I'll be fine."
"Luke." He was using his no-nonsense, don't-even-pretend-to-bullshit-me tone.
He was quiet for a moment. "I thought I lost him again, Dad," he whispered just loud enough to be heard over the connection. "When I saw him..." He didn't think he'd be able to get that image out of his head, when Shane and Taj had pulled Noah's body out of the water. "I couldn't breathe. I mean, I know he's not mine to lose anymore, but even when Noah left town and I never saw him or heard from him, I at least knew he was alive somewhere. But this..."
"And now you have seen him, heard from him. Does that change things at all?" Holden asked.
"What do you mean?" Luke frowned, watching out of the corner of his eye as Malia and Aaron discussed something apparently important.
"Luke, you could've gone anywhere in the world to get away from Oakdale for awhile. Why did you choose to visit Aaron?"
"Because--" Luke started out defensive, but stopped himself. "Look, I know you know what to say, and it's something I should probably hear, so just get on with it."
The light chuckle on the other end of the line relaxed Luke a little, though the words after it didn't. "You went on this little trip to try to figure things out, right? You were hoping this would tell you what to do, or you'd find someone along the way who would. And that's the problem, Luke."
"What is?" he asked, leaning forward unconsciously, as though his dad were sitting there with him.
"You're aimless right now, Luke, I know. But one of the reasons you are is because you're waiting for someone else to show you or tell you what to do. Of course you've got a million people who are willing to help you, son, but it's kinda time for you to grow up yourself and figure out your own things like an adult."
"Wow," he breathed heavily. No matter how often it happened, Luke was always kind of thrown by his dad's honesty in their Father-Son talks.
"Luke," Holden's voice was still serious, but no less gentle. "You can't always wait for things to happen or work themselves out the way you want them to. Things don't always go the way they're 'meant to.' If you want things in your life to change, you have to change them. And go after what you want."
"And I want Noah?" Luke wasn't sure if he was asking or telling.
Holden obviously wasn't either. "Well, I'm pretty sure I can't answer that one for you." He laughed again. "But you can. Think of all the greatest things you've had in your life, Luke. They were things you actively fought for, not things you just hoped would happen. And..." he took a breath before continuing. "And think of the person who was there to support you and push you to be that way. That's the person you should be with. And that's the person, as your dad, I'd want you to be with."
Luke was silent for a minute, thinking it all over. "So Aaron was right. I came out here to find Noah." Holden didn't answer him, but this time Luke wasn't looking for a response. "I... I want Noah back in my life."
************
He had to admit, he was surprised the group was letting him go into Noah's room first. They warned him they wouldn't be able to wait long, and from what he knew so far he didn't doubt their impatience, but Luke was still surprised--and grateful--he was getting any time alone with Noah at all.
Feeling the worst sense of déjà vu, he slowly opened the door to the hospital room, ducking his head in first. And there was Noah, lying in the bed with his eyes closed, breathing deep. Not in a coma, Luke reminded himself. Just resting.
He entered the room, quietly shutting the door behind him and taking a moment to study Noah fully. There were some bruises on the side of his face and down to his shoulder, little scrapes scattered across what Luke could see of his chest and arms. Which led to Luke realizing that Noah still wasn't wearing a shirt, with a blanket pulled up to just over his heart. His left arm rested across his body, a bandage wrapped around it high up, just below his shoulder.
Luke stepped closer with a frown, eyes once more catching on the tattoo on Noah's arm, the one he'd noticed on the beach the day before but hadn't thought about since. Noah did mention having three tattoos last night, didn't he? Getting a little closer, he could see it was a band around his bicep, but before he could really lean over to study it, there was a tiny shift of movement, and Noah opened his eyes.
They stared at each other for maybe a minute before Noah smiled blurrily. "Hey," his voice croaked a little bit. Years of practice told Luke that he was groggy and in a little bit of pain, but nothing serious.
"Hey," he answered back softly, forgetting about the tattoo in favor of getting closer, perching on the side of the bed next to Noah's hip. "How're you feeling?"
"I'm fine," came the quick, expected reply. "I've got an extra-hard head nowadays."
Luke laughed a little. "I'm glad for that." He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to do. He had no idea if Noah still loved him or wanted a chance with him, he had no idea if Noah would kick him out of the room after this. But he had to try. He owed it to both of them. "I need to tell you something."
"Luke," Noah--probably out of instinct--reached out and covered Luke's hands with one of his. "I'm okay, really. I promise."
He smiled. "Good. Because I need you to be okay so I can tell you this." He felt Noah's hand tense over his, and hurried on to explain. "This has been a long time coming, you know? I probably should have said this awhile ago. I should have said this before you left Oakdale."
"Said what?" Noah's voice grew much quieter, wary.
Luke paused, tried to figure out the right way to say everything that was in his head. "I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life. I've been thinking about how I was with you, and why I decided to be with Reid, and how a lot of my choices have led me to where I am now. And I think people are right when they tell me it's time to grow up. I can't be that spoiled eighteen year old kid anymore, Noah, I realize that now."
"O-okay..." Noah's voice was quiet, and had a strange tone to it, but Luke was too focused on his own words to try to decipher it now.
"And if I want to do things right, I have to end some things. And start new ones. Right now." He gently pulled his hands away, wanting to flip that position so he could hold Noah's, finally tell him the truth.
He noticed then that Noah's hands were shaking. His eyes narrowed, wondering how many painkillers they had given him. He was about to confess everything that he felt anyway, painkillers be damned, when the door burst open. Shit. His ten minutes were up.
"Hey!" Rob was the first one through the door. (Luke found it kind of funny that even though he was still boisterous and energetic, his voice was quieter than usual.) The rest of the group was right behind him, all of them filling up the room quickly. Luke winced a little, wishing he had just a minute more to talk to Noah, but he stood and graciously moved out of the way so the others could come in closer and see their friend for themselves.
It felt like no time had passed when Dr. Bren appeared in the doorway. "Sorry everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to head out now. You can come back first thing tomorrow, but right now that concussed head needs some rest."
There were some half-hearted protests, but everyone eventually stood and got ready to leave. Luke watched with a smile as the guys all said goodbye to Noah (still a little irrationally jealous when Julian squeezed his shoulder. Again. Damn, for a straight guy, did he have to touch Noah so much?), and Malia and Sadie both kissed his cheek.
Luke made sure he was the last one to leave the room, pausing in the doorway and locking eyes with Noah. He wanted to stay, so badly, but he could see the weariness starting to show on Noah's face. And this talk had to be when they were both of sound mind and (hopefully) body. "I'll stop by first thing tomorrow morning, okay? There's some stuff I really need to say. Just, um, get some sleep now. Okay?"
He should have realized something was off when Noah just nodded, his gaze drifting down to his own clasped hands on the blanket. He should have, but he was too busy planning out the next morning in his head. He smiled distractedly as he backed out of the room and shut the door, wondering how Noah would react the next morning when he spilled everything. He didn't stop to think how Noah would be reacting right now...
************
He was terrified.
The painkiller Dr. Bren gave him had knocked him out for a few hours, the darkening sky outside his window told him that, but it was panic that woke him up. Deep, bone-shaking, nerve-wracking panic. This hadn't been a dream. He really had wiped out (stupidly) on his board. He was in the hospital. Luke had been here.
Luke had been about to sever all ties with him completely.
It was obvious that that was what he was doing, wasn't it? Saying he knew why he had chosen to be with Reid, saying he didn't want to be that eighteen-year-old anymore (the eighteen-year-old Noah had fallen in love with, that had fallen in love with him), even pulling his hands away when Noah had touched him. Noah didn't know how he could get dumped without even being in a relationship, but he had been about to find out.
Shit, he couldn't do this. He couldn't hear it, especially not from Luke. Months of being away from him had allowed Noah to construct a bubble, this happy place where Luke couldn't affect every single thought and action. That bubble had burst two days ago, and Noah wasn't sure he could handle having Luke stomp all over the remains tomorrow morning.
It's his own fault though, right? He had been telling Malia and Aaron that Luke obviously didn't need him or want him anymore. Why shouldn't he just hear it outright?
Because it'll kill you, a voice whispered in his mind. Noah had to agree. To finally, truly know that Luke really didn't want him around, that he wanted to say goodbye and let him go for real so he could be with Reid without Noah hanging over his head... He had been about to tell Noah all of that and prove that his life was so much better since Noah left Oakdale. He had outgrown Noah.
Suddenly Noah couldn't stand it. Anything. The walls were closing in around him, his chest was heavy, his skin felt too tight, like it didn't fit on his bones. Everything was wrong. He shoved back the blanket covering him and sat up, then stood. After wobbling a little bit to regain his balance, Noah made his way over to the window. Fumbling for a minute, he was relieved to see it could open, and he pushed the glass up almost desperately.
He leaned out just a little, just enough to breathe in fresh air tinged with salt. The ocean. He could smell it from here. He could hear the waves. It offered up the tiniest bit of relief, but not enough. He gazed out, but it was too dark to see the beach from here. The only thing visible was the lit up neon sign for a nearby hotel, the Aloha Inn.
Noah laughed then, soft and almost bitter. The funny thing about the word aloha was that it had a couple meanings in Hawaiian. It somehow meant both 'hello' and 'goodbye,' but also 'love.' Hello, goodbye, and love. Yeah, that pretty much summed up his relationship with Luke, didn't it?
His hands were shaking again. With a quick shudder he felt all through his body, he slammed the window shut again, turning back to the bed and pressing the call button. He was mildly surprised when Dr. Bren himself answered, sticking his head into the room. "Need something, Noah?"
He took a deep breath, willing himself to stop shaking. "Yeah, Doc. I need a favor."
************
He didn't own this spot, but he had decided long ago that it was his. It had been maybe his third week in Torrance, going for a run one morning, and he had found this little cove off the beaten path about two miles from the apartment and SoK. Surrounded by rocks on three sides, and ocean on the other, it was the perfect place to be alone and think.
And hide. He was hiding now, wasn't he? Noah was seriously considering just staying here until Luke had to go back to Oakdale. That would probably only be a few more days, right? Noah could survive being here. He could survive it better than hearing Luke tell him he was completely over him--over them--that was for sure.
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there (definitely wasn't the few days he'd been hoping for), when he realized he wasn't alone. Footsteps were heading his way, slow and purposeful in the sand, and another flurry of movement was moving even closer. He turned halfway from his seated position, just as Kona barreled into him lightly, sniffing and licking at his face. "Hey!" he said out of instinct, trying to calm her down and evade the doggy breath.
The footsteps stopped next to him, and he could make out Kan's half-concerned, half-exasperated face in the darkness. "Figured we'd find you here."
Noah stared, confused and embarrassed. "Why were you looking for me at all?" He patted at Kona's fur until she settled next to him, nudging herself halfway into his lap.
Kan grinned amiably, taking a seat beside him in the sand. "Bren's 'loose' rules go both ways, Omilu. He called me about an hour ago, said you checked yourself out early."
"Yeah," Noah looked down at his hands, petting Kona. He felt a little ashamed, like a little kid getting reprimanded. Which was silly, because in all the time he'd known Kan, the man had never raised his voice or judged in any way. But still... "I did."
Kan just nodded, pulling a joint out of the breast pocket of his shirt and lighting it up. "I'd share this with you if it were tomorrow and you had left the hospital properly, but now you're going to have to miss out."
Noah nodded in return, knowing better than to argue. "I was getting claustrophobic," he semi-explained. "I just... I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. I needed to get out."
Again, Kan didn't say anything directly, just looked out at the waves, exhaling smoke lightly. One hand fumbled with something in his pocket for a second, but his focus stayed on the ocean. "That Luke boy is your aikane, isn't he, Noah?" he finally spoke after a few minutes of silence.
Noah frowned. "What's that?"
"In basic terms," he smiled gently. "It means a true love, in the same gender."
Noah couldn't help but laugh a little. "Hawaiians have a word for gay true love?"
"We do indeed," Kan looked at him now. "Luke is your aikane."
"I--I don't... No," Noah answered sadly. "Probably not."
Kan shook his head. "I think he is," he insisted. "But the problem is you don't know if you're his in return. That's where this fear is coming from. Not knowing, brought you right here."
"How did you get to be so wise?" Noah teased half-heartedly, hoping to deflect away from all of this.
He continued as though he hadn't heard Noah. "I knew it had to be something, soon as I saw you in the water yesterday. You're usually so focused and careful on a board, but yesterday... I'd never seen you so rattled."
Noah winced. "Oh man, the board. I didn't even... I lost it, didn't I? Is it broken? Did anybody get it out of the water?" He turned to Kan, shame heating up his face. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. That was one of your handmade--"
"Noah," Kan waved him silent. "It's just a board, son. I can make more. I will. This one wasn't the right fit, obviously. So I'll keep trying until I make it right." He fixed Noah with a pointed stare. "You should do the same with Luke."
"Do what?" Noah asked, worrying his lip between his teeth. "Keep trying?"
Kan took a quick inhale. "No matter how that kid feels about you, or how you think he feels about you, you need to tell him what's in your head and heart." He exhaled with practiced ease, blowing out a smoke ring. It was a skill Noah still didn't have, and he admitted to himself he was envious.
But now wasn't the time for that. "I need to tell him? So he can break things off me with again and go back to his real life, and leave you guys to deal with my depressed, brooding mess? Why do I need to do that?"
"Because," Kan shrugged. "Otherwise you'll always regret it. You're an honest person, Noah. It's in your blood. Not telling this truth, keeping it inside? It's a heaviness that doesn't go away. Not even in the water," he nodded out to the waves. "It'll just drag you down, sink you."
"I'm too scared," Noah admitted quietly.
"Of what?" the man prompted, not letting him get away from it.
He sighed, trying to find the right words. "I'm used to regrets, okay? I already have those; I can handle that. But... but being alone again, knowing the one person that used to love me more than anything is... after knowing what it's like to be with someone... I..." He looked away.
"You're stronger than you realize," Kan was as calm and steady as always, like everything he said was an absolute truth. Noah found himself turning his head towards him, listening. "I think you can handle anything life throws at you. You have so far." He turned then, finally looking straight at Noah. "But I don't think you should handle letting him leave without him knowing what you feel. That's not fair to either of you."
"What if I don't know what I feel?" he asked then.
Kan chuckled, squeezing Noah's shoulder gently. "Something tells me you do know, you just need to figure out how to say it." He took one more hit of the joint and then pinched it out, dropping the roach back into his pocket. "And I have faith that you will." He stood up and started back out of the cove, whistling for Kona to follow. She jumped to her feet, shaking sand off her fur, and trotted after him. "It's late, Omilu. You should get on home."
Noah nodded absent-mindedly. He probably should, but unfortunately, right now home was where Luke was. Literally. He wasn't sure what to do. He stood slowly, stretching his arms, still watching the waves.
Maybe Kan was right. Maybe he needed to tell Luke how he really felt. But just the idea of that, walking into the situation blind (wow, Mayer, poor fucking choice of words), made his hands shake. This was Luke, after all. Him and Luke. One wrong word between them could spiral everything out of control. No steps forward, ten steps back. Worse than where they were now.
It can always get worse, life had taught him.
No, he needed to sort through his head first, get this right. Get it perfect. He couldn't go back to the apartment until then. He stretched his legs a little, loosening the muscles. There was only one way Noah knew of to get his head on straight. He just hoped it would be enough, because now... now his life kinda sorta depended on it.
Part 8
Authors: Surfer Hips Productions (aka dazzling_icer, carolinablu85, and noelleleithe)
Artists: la_fours and noelleleithe
Rating: NC-17 (eventually)
Other Notes and Art Links: In Master Post
PART 7
Luke had hoped by the next morning he'd feel more settled and maybe be able to figure out just what the hell almost happened last night, but no such luck. He almost begged off when Aaron dragged him out of bed to go surfing with everyone, but he didn't want to hide. He was part Walsh, damn it. He had more pride than that, right?
"We always start beginners on long boards," Malia spoke as she laid two boards flat on the sand. "It seems counterintuitive, but they're actually much more stable and easier to stand up on than the short, maneuverable ones."
"Okay," Luke wiped his hands on his board shorts, a little nervous. He glanced out at the ocean again, where the rest of the group, including Noah and Aaron, were in some sort of makeshift line waiting for a wave to catch. The waves out there looked enormous and intimidating, and the sounds of them crashing echoed all the way to where he and Malia stood.
She smiled, understanding. "Don't worry, there's no way I'm letting you out there today. I wouldn't for awhile, they're not for beginners. Now," she clapped her hands excitedly. "Let me show you the basics."
He spent a little time watching and listening to her as she explained the fundamentals of Surfing For Dummies, to the point of where he was almost thinking he could maybe do this without accidentally dying.
Malia was now standing and regarding him seriously, and Luke had to wonder if she was deciding if he measured up or not. "Now, Luke buddy, there's more to surfing than just the technical stuff."
"Okay..." he was slightly thrown off by her serious tone.
She nodded. "You have to feel these things out, it takes a certain amount of instinct and learning as you go." She set her board back down on the sand, then caught his gaze. "Each wave is special, you know? Unique. You have to treat it right. When you're catching a wave, you're not the master in the relationship. You're a partner."
He flinched. Partner. Was she doing this on purpose? "Got it."
Malia's head tilted to the side. "Do you? You have to be careful, cautious with it. Otherwise, sure, you can get hurt. But you know what's just as stupid?"
"What?" he asked, voice strained. She was doing this on purpose.
"Not taking the chance at all. Letting the wave pass you by because you're too scared to take that leap. Yeah it's terrifying, but when you do it right? There's no better feeling in the world." Her dark eyes pierced his. "Understand me?"
"I think so," he whispered. "But--"
Her gaze didn't waver. "Good. Because let's just say I love that wave a whole fucking lot. And I think that wave deserves to be about as happy as you can make him. Make it, I mean. Make the wave happy. I mean--" She waved her hand around with a sigh. "Damn it, I've never been good at metaphors, okay?"
And he couldn't help but grin. He was beginning to understand just why Aaron was happy to be whipped in this relationship. He was about to assure Malia he wasn't there to mess with Noah's life--the very opposite, in fact--when once again a shout interrupted him.
But this one wasn't teasing or snarky or anything else he already recognized as a normal element to this group. This was different. Luke and Malia both turned almost in slow motion towards the water, fear already biting the insides of his stomach. Something was wrong.
************
He hadn't felt this on edge in a long time. Noah had been in a fog since that almost-kiss last night with Luke, and when sleeping hadn't really been an option, and running at three in the morning hadn't tired him out, Noah was left with nothing but surfing to try to calm his brain back down.
And it wasn't working.
He listened with half an ear as the guys and Sadie joked and teased each other, one by one catching the next wave that rolled in. For the most part he stared back out at the horizon, until it got so blurry he couldn't tell where ocean ended and sky began. He blinked hard, not wanting to strain his eyes, but unable to look away.
"Noah?" a soft voice brought him back to reality. He turned to the side. Taj was eyeing him, concerned. "You okay, bro?"
Taj was always the first to know when something might be wrong. He was also the first to know when someone was lying, which meant Noah had no idea how to respond to him. So he went with the easiest option, playing dumb. Or, in this case, deaf. "What?"
But now Julian was looking at him too. "Is something wrong? You been having trouble sleeping again?"
Great. If he wasn't careful they'd all be watching him, and no way would he ever get a moment's peace. "I'm fine." He kept his eyes forward, watching as Shane battled with a particularly unruly pass.
"Noah." Aaron's voice was quiet next to him. He was going for gentle, reassuring (he was going for 'Holden'), but for some reason it just pissed Noah off.
He glared at Aaron, the question he'd been keeping in for two days now bursting out. "Why didn't you tell me Luke was coming?"
Aaron reined in a sigh. "For the same reason I didn't tell Luke that we're roommates. Because you two never should've stopped talking. And yeah, maybe I was hoping Luke would contact you and tell you, and maybe I was hoping you would call him to say hi sometime and tell him."
"What's the big deal with Luke?" Rob asked, eyes narrowing.
Noah and Aaron ignored him, all of them, Aaron not done his tirade. "And honestly? Because part of me was afraid if I told you Luke was coming, you'd take off. Disappear for a few days until he went home again. No way was I going to let that happen."
Sadie's eyes were suddenly wide with understanding. "Oh shit. It's Luke. He's the ex, the one you never want to talk about. Isn't he?"
The group knew most of Noah's life story, but he hadn't been able to go into every detail. They knew he'd been in love with someone and it hadn't ended well, but he never told them a name. He couldn't. Malia and Aaron were the only ones who knew. Everyone else had respected it and never pushed, but now...
Now all of them were looking at him with what felt like pity. Like he was the loser who couldn't let go of his last boyfriend. "It's fine. I'm fine," he gritted out.
"What happened last night?" Aaron asked. "There was... something happened, didn't it? You and Luke--"
"Nothing," Noah cut it. "Nothing happened. Because we're over. He's moved on, okay? He did awhile ago. And you know this, Aaron. This isn't news. This is old fucking business. So let it go and stop trying to counsel me."
Aaron shook his head. "I don't buy it," he pressed on. "Come on, Noah, you two still love each other. It's obvious. You don't have to--"
"Aaron." Noah hated that his voice shook. "Let it go. If I have to, then you have to. There's nothing to talk about, we... we're--we're not..." He looked away for a second, grasping the edges of his board tightly to keep his hands from shaking. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Jesus, Noah," Julian said. "If he still messes with your head this much, I don't think it's nothing--"
"Please, guys, just stop." He had to get out of there. He couldn't deal with the pity, the empty platitudes, the memory of Luke pulling away from him so quickly last night. Someone else said his name, he wasn't sure who, but Noah didn't turn. He laid flat on his board, paddling forward as a wave began to crest and swell at the break.
He maneuvered into the barrel of the wave, popping up on his board easily enough, ready to ride it out. But he was still shaking. His balance was off. And every time he tried to focus on the water, something flashed in his mind. A voice, an image, a memory.
"This kind of idiot. Hi, Noah Mayer."
"What's wrong?" "Nothing."
"I love you. I'm so in love with you."
"I want it to be special too." "It will be. It is. I love you."
"Do. Not. Touch me!"
"Are you happy?" "Happy doesn't even begin to cover it."
"Noah. You're my family. And I'm yours."
"You, Luke. You who I love more than my own life."
"I saw you kissing Dr. Oliver!"
"I'm… I'm leaving. That grad school it's… it's in LA."
Last night. Luke about to kiss him. Luke pulling away. Luke walking away.
Suddenly Noah didn't know where he was anymore. The nose of his board dipped too far into the water and got caught in the pull of the wave. The barrel swept him up, knocked him in the chest and off his board. Usually when this happened he could let the wave pass over him and kick back up to the surface, retrieve his board, and try again.
But this wasn't 'usually.' He'd been distracted, and he wasn't in a good position to get free. The wave thrashed him around, pulled him deep under. He tried to fight it, but the riptide slammed into him. Immobilized him. He crashed hard into the rocks and reef at the bottom, scraping his arms and chest.
His head hit viciously against a rock, stunning him for a moment. The world froze to a standstill around him, like somebody hit the pause button. He looked up and up at the surface above, noting how blue and peaceful it looked from here. Almost beautiful.
Then the riptide pulled him again, his head once more connecting violently with the reef. It drove the air from his lungs, which Noah retroactively decided was a bad idea. He gasped, swallowing briny, bitter saltwater. Choking. His vision went dark, and Noah's last thought was how ironic it was that this all happened because his life flashed before his eyes.
************
This wasn't supposed to be happening again.
Luke sat hunched over in the waiting room, staring at his hands. He hated this. He hated hospitals, he hated waiting, he hated rooms and people and oceans and time and distance and everything else that kept him and Noah from being happy.
Voices swirled around him, but Luke concentrated on his hands. They weren't shaking, which meant he wasn't panicking. Which meant everything was okay. Would be okay. Noah would be okay. Luke didn't look up until one of Malia's hands snuck into his line of vision, landing lightly on top of both of his. He glanced at her, and she gave him a semi-smile. "He's gonna be fine," she whispered.
Luke just nodded. Malia was trying, but she couldn't know just how many damn times he'd had to do this- wait for a doctor to come in and tell him if Noah was... He bit his lip, trying to banish those thoughts from his brain.
To distract himself, he looked around the waiting room. Across from him sat Julian and Sadie, talking rapidly about something too quiet for him to hear. Next to them was Taj, who somehow managed to keep Rob almost as quiet and calm as he was (though Rob couldn't stop himself from drumming his hands frenetically against his leg).
Over by the door, Shane was on his cell with his parents, telling them he and Sadie would be late to the lunch shift. Apparently their parents ran a restaurant, some sort of Vietnamese/Middle Eastern fusion thing. Luke knew they had told him the name of the place, but for the life of him he couldn't remember. And Kan was there too, sitting off to the side, eyes closed like he was meditating.
The looks on all their faces hit Luke hard. He realized in that moment that they really did love Noah. They gave him a family that wasn't Snyderized. For the first time in four years, Luke was a guest in Noah's world, not welcoming Noah into his. It was an alien feeling. But, as Malia squeezed his hand a little tighter, pulling him up out of the chair when a doctor appeared, he began to wonder if maybe Noah's world could have room for him too.
The doctor smiled at all of them with a practiced, familiar air. He reached out and clasped hands tightly with Kan before speaking to the group. "He's just fine, kids."
"How fine is 'just fine,' Doc?" Rob clarified.
The doctor was still smiling, and Luke allowed himself to relax just a little bit. "Scrapes and bruises, some stitches on his arm, and a slight concussion. We're going to keep him overnight, so just--"
"Keep him overnight?" Luke cut in. "If it's nothing serious, why does he need to stay overnight?" Part of him wondered how strained his voice sounded, but a bigger part didn't care.
The doctor looked at him curiously, then glanced at Kan. Kan nodded. "This is Luke. He's Aaron's brother and Noah's aikane." Luke had no idea what that word meant, and judging by the confused looks on almost everyone's faces, they didn't either (though Malia and Taj might've smiled).
The doctor, however, must have known more than a little Hawaiian because he accepted it with a smile, focusing on Luke. "It's just a precaution because of the head wound. Noah has major neurosurgery and trauma in his medical history, so we just want to play it safe. But I swear, kid, he's fine. He'll be back in the water in no time."
"Thank God," Aaron mumbled, closing his eyes for a second.
"Mahalo, Bren," Kan thanked the man, clasping his hand again.
The doctor grinned. "Just doing my job, as always. Give us a few minutes to get him settled in a room, then you all can go in and see him." The group thanked him again, and he waved as he headed back past the double doors into one of the wings of the hospital.
Luke turned to Malia, confused. "We're not family. He's just going to let us go back there?"
She smiled, much more calm and reassuring than she had been minutes ago. "Dr. Bren is an old friend of the family's. He's... pretty lenient with the rules. We always go to him when we get banged up in the water or," she glanced at Rob, "in bar brawls." Rob smirked and shrugged, unrepentant.
Luke was about to ask just how often they all ended up in the hospital, but he was interrupted by the ringing of his cell. He exchanged a quick look and nod with Aaron and moved away from the group, pulling out his phone. A glance at the screen had him dropping back heavily into a chair. "Dad?"
"Luke," Holden's voice was quiet, just this side of worried.
That almost punched Luke in the gut. Oh God, what else could be wrong right now? "What is it? Why are you calling? Did something--"
"Aaron called me," his dad interrupted. "On the way to the hospital, told me what happened. Are you all right? Is Noah okay?"
Luke had to smile. They may have forgotten for a little while, but it was clear Noah still had family in Oakdale. "Yeah. We just talked to the doctor. He's okay."
"Aaron said he hit his head. He was unconscious," Holden continued, not convinced.
"Yeah," Luke cleared his throat. "But the doctor said it's only a minor concussion. He's fine, he didn't knock any screws loose from before," he tried to joke.
"And you're okay?" Holden persisted.
Luke nodded, forgetting he was on the phone for a moment. "I'm… I'll be fine."
"Luke." He was using his no-nonsense, don't-even-pretend-to-bullshit-me tone.
He was quiet for a moment. "I thought I lost him again, Dad," he whispered just loud enough to be heard over the connection. "When I saw him..." He didn't think he'd be able to get that image out of his head, when Shane and Taj had pulled Noah's body out of the water. "I couldn't breathe. I mean, I know he's not mine to lose anymore, but even when Noah left town and I never saw him or heard from him, I at least knew he was alive somewhere. But this..."
"And now you have seen him, heard from him. Does that change things at all?" Holden asked.
"What do you mean?" Luke frowned, watching out of the corner of his eye as Malia and Aaron discussed something apparently important.
"Luke, you could've gone anywhere in the world to get away from Oakdale for awhile. Why did you choose to visit Aaron?"
"Because--" Luke started out defensive, but stopped himself. "Look, I know you know what to say, and it's something I should probably hear, so just get on with it."
The light chuckle on the other end of the line relaxed Luke a little, though the words after it didn't. "You went on this little trip to try to figure things out, right? You were hoping this would tell you what to do, or you'd find someone along the way who would. And that's the problem, Luke."
"What is?" he asked, leaning forward unconsciously, as though his dad were sitting there with him.
"You're aimless right now, Luke, I know. But one of the reasons you are is because you're waiting for someone else to show you or tell you what to do. Of course you've got a million people who are willing to help you, son, but it's kinda time for you to grow up yourself and figure out your own things like an adult."
"Wow," he breathed heavily. No matter how often it happened, Luke was always kind of thrown by his dad's honesty in their Father-Son talks.
"Luke," Holden's voice was still serious, but no less gentle. "You can't always wait for things to happen or work themselves out the way you want them to. Things don't always go the way they're 'meant to.' If you want things in your life to change, you have to change them. And go after what you want."
"And I want Noah?" Luke wasn't sure if he was asking or telling.
Holden obviously wasn't either. "Well, I'm pretty sure I can't answer that one for you." He laughed again. "But you can. Think of all the greatest things you've had in your life, Luke. They were things you actively fought for, not things you just hoped would happen. And..." he took a breath before continuing. "And think of the person who was there to support you and push you to be that way. That's the person you should be with. And that's the person, as your dad, I'd want you to be with."
Luke was silent for a minute, thinking it all over. "So Aaron was right. I came out here to find Noah." Holden didn't answer him, but this time Luke wasn't looking for a response. "I... I want Noah back in my life."
************
He had to admit, he was surprised the group was letting him go into Noah's room first. They warned him they wouldn't be able to wait long, and from what he knew so far he didn't doubt their impatience, but Luke was still surprised--and grateful--he was getting any time alone with Noah at all.
Feeling the worst sense of déjà vu, he slowly opened the door to the hospital room, ducking his head in first. And there was Noah, lying in the bed with his eyes closed, breathing deep. Not in a coma, Luke reminded himself. Just resting.
He entered the room, quietly shutting the door behind him and taking a moment to study Noah fully. There were some bruises on the side of his face and down to his shoulder, little scrapes scattered across what Luke could see of his chest and arms. Which led to Luke realizing that Noah still wasn't wearing a shirt, with a blanket pulled up to just over his heart. His left arm rested across his body, a bandage wrapped around it high up, just below his shoulder.
Luke stepped closer with a frown, eyes once more catching on the tattoo on Noah's arm, the one he'd noticed on the beach the day before but hadn't thought about since. Noah did mention having three tattoos last night, didn't he? Getting a little closer, he could see it was a band around his bicep, but before he could really lean over to study it, there was a tiny shift of movement, and Noah opened his eyes.
They stared at each other for maybe a minute before Noah smiled blurrily. "Hey," his voice croaked a little bit. Years of practice told Luke that he was groggy and in a little bit of pain, but nothing serious.
"Hey," he answered back softly, forgetting about the tattoo in favor of getting closer, perching on the side of the bed next to Noah's hip. "How're you feeling?"
"I'm fine," came the quick, expected reply. "I've got an extra-hard head nowadays."
Luke laughed a little. "I'm glad for that." He took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to do. He had no idea if Noah still loved him or wanted a chance with him, he had no idea if Noah would kick him out of the room after this. But he had to try. He owed it to both of them. "I need to tell you something."
"Luke," Noah--probably out of instinct--reached out and covered Luke's hands with one of his. "I'm okay, really. I promise."
He smiled. "Good. Because I need you to be okay so I can tell you this." He felt Noah's hand tense over his, and hurried on to explain. "This has been a long time coming, you know? I probably should have said this awhile ago. I should have said this before you left Oakdale."
"Said what?" Noah's voice grew much quieter, wary.
Luke paused, tried to figure out the right way to say everything that was in his head. "I've been thinking a lot lately, about my life. I've been thinking about how I was with you, and why I decided to be with Reid, and how a lot of my choices have led me to where I am now. And I think people are right when they tell me it's time to grow up. I can't be that spoiled eighteen year old kid anymore, Noah, I realize that now."
"O-okay..." Noah's voice was quiet, and had a strange tone to it, but Luke was too focused on his own words to try to decipher it now.
"And if I want to do things right, I have to end some things. And start new ones. Right now." He gently pulled his hands away, wanting to flip that position so he could hold Noah's, finally tell him the truth.
He noticed then that Noah's hands were shaking. His eyes narrowed, wondering how many painkillers they had given him. He was about to confess everything that he felt anyway, painkillers be damned, when the door burst open. Shit. His ten minutes were up.
"Hey!" Rob was the first one through the door. (Luke found it kind of funny that even though he was still boisterous and energetic, his voice was quieter than usual.) The rest of the group was right behind him, all of them filling up the room quickly. Luke winced a little, wishing he had just a minute more to talk to Noah, but he stood and graciously moved out of the way so the others could come in closer and see their friend for themselves.
It felt like no time had passed when Dr. Bren appeared in the doorway. "Sorry everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to head out now. You can come back first thing tomorrow, but right now that concussed head needs some rest."
There were some half-hearted protests, but everyone eventually stood and got ready to leave. Luke watched with a smile as the guys all said goodbye to Noah (still a little irrationally jealous when Julian squeezed his shoulder. Again. Damn, for a straight guy, did he have to touch Noah so much?), and Malia and Sadie both kissed his cheek.
Luke made sure he was the last one to leave the room, pausing in the doorway and locking eyes with Noah. He wanted to stay, so badly, but he could see the weariness starting to show on Noah's face. And this talk had to be when they were both of sound mind and (hopefully) body. "I'll stop by first thing tomorrow morning, okay? There's some stuff I really need to say. Just, um, get some sleep now. Okay?"
He should have realized something was off when Noah just nodded, his gaze drifting down to his own clasped hands on the blanket. He should have, but he was too busy planning out the next morning in his head. He smiled distractedly as he backed out of the room and shut the door, wondering how Noah would react the next morning when he spilled everything. He didn't stop to think how Noah would be reacting right now...
************
He was terrified.
The painkiller Dr. Bren gave him had knocked him out for a few hours, the darkening sky outside his window told him that, but it was panic that woke him up. Deep, bone-shaking, nerve-wracking panic. This hadn't been a dream. He really had wiped out (stupidly) on his board. He was in the hospital. Luke had been here.
Luke had been about to sever all ties with him completely.
It was obvious that that was what he was doing, wasn't it? Saying he knew why he had chosen to be with Reid, saying he didn't want to be that eighteen-year-old anymore (the eighteen-year-old Noah had fallen in love with, that had fallen in love with him), even pulling his hands away when Noah had touched him. Noah didn't know how he could get dumped without even being in a relationship, but he had been about to find out.
Shit, he couldn't do this. He couldn't hear it, especially not from Luke. Months of being away from him had allowed Noah to construct a bubble, this happy place where Luke couldn't affect every single thought and action. That bubble had burst two days ago, and Noah wasn't sure he could handle having Luke stomp all over the remains tomorrow morning.
It's his own fault though, right? He had been telling Malia and Aaron that Luke obviously didn't need him or want him anymore. Why shouldn't he just hear it outright?
Because it'll kill you, a voice whispered in his mind. Noah had to agree. To finally, truly know that Luke really didn't want him around, that he wanted to say goodbye and let him go for real so he could be with Reid without Noah hanging over his head... He had been about to tell Noah all of that and prove that his life was so much better since Noah left Oakdale. He had outgrown Noah.
Suddenly Noah couldn't stand it. Anything. The walls were closing in around him, his chest was heavy, his skin felt too tight, like it didn't fit on his bones. Everything was wrong. He shoved back the blanket covering him and sat up, then stood. After wobbling a little bit to regain his balance, Noah made his way over to the window. Fumbling for a minute, he was relieved to see it could open, and he pushed the glass up almost desperately.
He leaned out just a little, just enough to breathe in fresh air tinged with salt. The ocean. He could smell it from here. He could hear the waves. It offered up the tiniest bit of relief, but not enough. He gazed out, but it was too dark to see the beach from here. The only thing visible was the lit up neon sign for a nearby hotel, the Aloha Inn.
Noah laughed then, soft and almost bitter. The funny thing about the word aloha was that it had a couple meanings in Hawaiian. It somehow meant both 'hello' and 'goodbye,' but also 'love.' Hello, goodbye, and love. Yeah, that pretty much summed up his relationship with Luke, didn't it?
His hands were shaking again. With a quick shudder he felt all through his body, he slammed the window shut again, turning back to the bed and pressing the call button. He was mildly surprised when Dr. Bren himself answered, sticking his head into the room. "Need something, Noah?"
He took a deep breath, willing himself to stop shaking. "Yeah, Doc. I need a favor."
************
He didn't own this spot, but he had decided long ago that it was his. It had been maybe his third week in Torrance, going for a run one morning, and he had found this little cove off the beaten path about two miles from the apartment and SoK. Surrounded by rocks on three sides, and ocean on the other, it was the perfect place to be alone and think.
And hide. He was hiding now, wasn't he? Noah was seriously considering just staying here until Luke had to go back to Oakdale. That would probably only be a few more days, right? Noah could survive being here. He could survive it better than hearing Luke tell him he was completely over him--over them--that was for sure.
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there (definitely wasn't the few days he'd been hoping for), when he realized he wasn't alone. Footsteps were heading his way, slow and purposeful in the sand, and another flurry of movement was moving even closer. He turned halfway from his seated position, just as Kona barreled into him lightly, sniffing and licking at his face. "Hey!" he said out of instinct, trying to calm her down and evade the doggy breath.
The footsteps stopped next to him, and he could make out Kan's half-concerned, half-exasperated face in the darkness. "Figured we'd find you here."
Noah stared, confused and embarrassed. "Why were you looking for me at all?" He patted at Kona's fur until she settled next to him, nudging herself halfway into his lap.
Kan grinned amiably, taking a seat beside him in the sand. "Bren's 'loose' rules go both ways, Omilu. He called me about an hour ago, said you checked yourself out early."
"Yeah," Noah looked down at his hands, petting Kona. He felt a little ashamed, like a little kid getting reprimanded. Which was silly, because in all the time he'd known Kan, the man had never raised his voice or judged in any way. But still... "I did."
Kan just nodded, pulling a joint out of the breast pocket of his shirt and lighting it up. "I'd share this with you if it were tomorrow and you had left the hospital properly, but now you're going to have to miss out."
Noah nodded in return, knowing better than to argue. "I was getting claustrophobic," he semi-explained. "I just... I've spent a lot of time in hospitals. I needed to get out."
Again, Kan didn't say anything directly, just looked out at the waves, exhaling smoke lightly. One hand fumbled with something in his pocket for a second, but his focus stayed on the ocean. "That Luke boy is your aikane, isn't he, Noah?" he finally spoke after a few minutes of silence.
Noah frowned. "What's that?"
"In basic terms," he smiled gently. "It means a true love, in the same gender."
Noah couldn't help but laugh a little. "Hawaiians have a word for gay true love?"
"We do indeed," Kan looked at him now. "Luke is your aikane."
"I--I don't... No," Noah answered sadly. "Probably not."
Kan shook his head. "I think he is," he insisted. "But the problem is you don't know if you're his in return. That's where this fear is coming from. Not knowing, brought you right here."
"How did you get to be so wise?" Noah teased half-heartedly, hoping to deflect away from all of this.
He continued as though he hadn't heard Noah. "I knew it had to be something, soon as I saw you in the water yesterday. You're usually so focused and careful on a board, but yesterday... I'd never seen you so rattled."
Noah winced. "Oh man, the board. I didn't even... I lost it, didn't I? Is it broken? Did anybody get it out of the water?" He turned to Kan, shame heating up his face. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. That was one of your handmade--"
"Noah," Kan waved him silent. "It's just a board, son. I can make more. I will. This one wasn't the right fit, obviously. So I'll keep trying until I make it right." He fixed Noah with a pointed stare. "You should do the same with Luke."
"Do what?" Noah asked, worrying his lip between his teeth. "Keep trying?"
Kan took a quick inhale. "No matter how that kid feels about you, or how you think he feels about you, you need to tell him what's in your head and heart." He exhaled with practiced ease, blowing out a smoke ring. It was a skill Noah still didn't have, and he admitted to himself he was envious.
But now wasn't the time for that. "I need to tell him? So he can break things off me with again and go back to his real life, and leave you guys to deal with my depressed, brooding mess? Why do I need to do that?"
"Because," Kan shrugged. "Otherwise you'll always regret it. You're an honest person, Noah. It's in your blood. Not telling this truth, keeping it inside? It's a heaviness that doesn't go away. Not even in the water," he nodded out to the waves. "It'll just drag you down, sink you."
"I'm too scared," Noah admitted quietly.
"Of what?" the man prompted, not letting him get away from it.
He sighed, trying to find the right words. "I'm used to regrets, okay? I already have those; I can handle that. But... but being alone again, knowing the one person that used to love me more than anything is... after knowing what it's like to be with someone... I..." He looked away.
"You're stronger than you realize," Kan was as calm and steady as always, like everything he said was an absolute truth. Noah found himself turning his head towards him, listening. "I think you can handle anything life throws at you. You have so far." He turned then, finally looking straight at Noah. "But I don't think you should handle letting him leave without him knowing what you feel. That's not fair to either of you."
"What if I don't know what I feel?" he asked then.
Kan chuckled, squeezing Noah's shoulder gently. "Something tells me you do know, you just need to figure out how to say it." He took one more hit of the joint and then pinched it out, dropping the roach back into his pocket. "And I have faith that you will." He stood up and started back out of the cove, whistling for Kona to follow. She jumped to her feet, shaking sand off her fur, and trotted after him. "It's late, Omilu. You should get on home."
Noah nodded absent-mindedly. He probably should, but unfortunately, right now home was where Luke was. Literally. He wasn't sure what to do. He stood slowly, stretching his arms, still watching the waves.
Maybe Kan was right. Maybe he needed to tell Luke how he really felt. But just the idea of that, walking into the situation blind (wow, Mayer, poor fucking choice of words), made his hands shake. This was Luke, after all. Him and Luke. One wrong word between them could spiral everything out of control. No steps forward, ten steps back. Worse than where they were now.
It can always get worse, life had taught him.
No, he needed to sort through his head first, get this right. Get it perfect. He couldn't go back to the apartment until then. He stretched his legs a little, loosening the muscles. There was only one way Noah knew of to get his head on straight. He just hoped it would be enough, because now... now his life kinda sorta depended on it.
Part 8