FIC: [Friday's Classified] Orcish Brides (LotR)
There was no fake Classified last week, as I ran a real plea for content for middleearthnews, and the week before I wasn't at home -- although I suppose both times I could've posted an older Classified here -- but here's the one from today's issue. ^_^ Again, cribbed from and expanded on info gleaned from a Russian brides site.
INTRODUCTION SERVICE: ORCISH BRIDES
Check out our White Hand-authorized Orcish brides introduction agency located in Isengard, Nan Curunír! Correspond with1 and date brutish stunning Orcs interested in murder marriage or rending relationships with Elvish, Dwarvish and Mannish men. Real, single Orcs have all been verified as lice and mite-free2 by our experienced group of wizards matchmakers.
Four Fantastic Reasons to Choose an Orcish Bride:
Contact us at whitehandhunks@isengard.co.mid for our catalogue. There's a hunk of Orc waiting to be your beloved!
1. Literacy of Orcish brides not guaranteed. Correspondence via pieces of raw meat in any state of decay may be more appropriate.
2. Not a guarantee.
3. Orcs are "the mayflies of Middle-earth4," LJ, and their years do not correspond to human ones, so there are no suggestions of underage anything here.
4. Thanks, empy. ^_~
INTRODUCTION SERVICE: ORCISH BRIDES
Check out our White Hand-authorized Orcish brides introduction agency located in Isengard, Nan Curunír! Correspond with1 and date brutish stunning Orcs interested in murder marriage or rending relationships with Elvish, Dwarvish and Mannish men. Real, single Orcs have all been verified as lice and mite-free2 by our experienced group of wizards matchmakers.
Four Fantastic Reasons to Choose an Orcish Bride:
- • Family Values: The main difference between Orcs and Free Peoples is that Orcish brides do not suffer from the "Lúthien Syndrome" so common to Lothlorien, Mirkwood, Gondor, Rohan and Moria. Over-independence and notions of freedom have not spoiled their belief in traditional Orcish family values. Unlike their Free counterparts, they still put crushing killing gnawing on the bones of their enemies family ahead of career.
• Age Difference: A large gap of years is regarded as absolutely normal to Orcs. If you are 80+ you could be easily married to an Orcish bride still in its 5th year; 1000+, in its 10th year; etc.3 An average Free Person can attract a much younger and more impressive Orc from Isengard than he ever could at home.
• Easier to Find and Woo: As Orcs are not as picky as Free People regarding their potential mates' hygiene, personality and gender, the number and variety of Orcish brides available to you is huge. You can find an Orcish bride exactly to your taste much easier and quicker than in the Free spaces of Middle-earth.
• An Ideal Cultural Mix: As Orcs have few-to-no social and cultural standards, they storm destroy integrate easily into any Middle-earth culture, leading to a comfortable adjustment with none of the hassles of in-laws, dowries or customs to bog the process down.
Contact us at whitehandhunks@isengard.co.mid for our catalogue. There's a hunk of Orc waiting to be your beloved!
1. Literacy of Orcish brides not guaranteed. Correspondence via pieces of raw meat in any state of decay may be more appropriate.
2. Not a guarantee.
3. Orcs are "the mayflies of Middle-earth4," LJ, and their years do not correspond to human ones, so there are no suggestions of underage anything here.
4. Thanks, empy. ^_~