Beat

[caninespirit]

Breathe in... breathe out... in for four... out for eight... in four... out eight... in... out... in... out... in

Comments

[thepheenixeyri]

You surprise me.

I'm not sure I ever expected you to take part in any one of these littlw writing contests that woere out thereon LJ. Wow!

This was good though, and believe me, I've been there! I'm not sure how this damp cold/warm rolercoaster down here's goint to affect my much milder version...

we shall see.

the Phoenix

[caninespirit]

I love to write. I'm doing B_F for the challenge of having to write on a prompt. It's not something I've done before.

[thepheenixeyri]

one of my friends told me about b_f and I'd thought about trying it. I just haven't yet.

the Phoenix

[creature_girl08]

Excellent take on the topic. I do hope you get the asthma under control. It can really suck.

Edits!

[jamais_toujours]

Heya, I'm one of your editors for this week :).

I enjoyed the take you took on the prompt, it's original and interesting. I like the rhythm you created in the first part of the piece to show how easily breathing comes to most people, then suddenly disrupted the even counts as asthma took over. I think that it is a very accurate portrayal of the condition, and much more effective than a long, detailed essay would have been.

I think the second part of the piece could have been developed a small bit more, perhaps incorporating the author's note into it. I feel making it a little longer and more personal would have carried on the power of the first part of the piece a bit better. That's just my opinion though, it does work well as it is too.

This piece was interesting and well-written. Good job and good luck this week :).

[jenandbronze]

This is so true, my Grandmother had severe asthma, and passed away 5 years ago this month, because she was not always in the best of control and my Grandpa pestered her to get oxygen etc. Sigh...

[____hejira]

The topic idea is good and solid. It's original, and you are clearly a good writer. I don't think, however, that the beginning was as effective as describing the urgency of an attack as you wanted it to be. Maybe instead of using words like "coughcough cough," etc, you could use different images to describe how it feels when that happens. Show more rather than telling. I hope this is making sense.
Good job though.