I don't really have any business painting. I'm embarrassingly bad and I don't have the motivation to work hard at something that scares me as much as painting does. I'm stuck. I had this great following on my blog and I just can't get myself to post. I can't tell if I'm lazy or if it's not fun anymore. What's with my high standards? My life ( Read more... )

Why does everyone think I'm an idiot? Why am I unworthy of including in plans? Why did A start attacking me again? I don't get it. I don't understand why joking self deprecation could come off as ineptitude.

I feel kind of alone.

Crash came over two days ago...we got lunch, carved pumpkins, and spent a lot of time drinking, making food, and having sex. We spent something like 36 hours together. He's lanky and colorful and outrageous and does things like bike across the country and migrate south for the winter in his van house. He is way cooler than me. Like, probably ( Read more... )

I went to get my annual exam done yesterday and, talking to the nurse, revealed enough information for her to recommend some places that offer therapy for people with eating disorders. I think I might actually follow through with this.

1 cheese enchilada: 300 ( Read more... )

Our life... my god, what have I done?  I am in hell, I am finished.  Please save me from this.  I have had enough.

coffee (140)
hummous (60)
bread (50)
strawberries (40)
banana (60)
miso soup (30)
cookie (60)
cheesy snacks (120)
milk (40)
Sugar (80)
extras (300)

Total: 980

Tada! And I am exhausted.

Granola bar (170)
Peanut butter (200)
salad (30)
cheese (120)
dressing (150)
2 cookies (120) ---840
starbucks doubleshot (240)

Total: 1030

I'm stopping here, today.

cereal and milk (250)
chips (200)
slimfast (200)
sugar pumpkins (400)
edamame (200)
juice/fizzy water (30)
pizza crusts (200)
peanut butter sandwich (300)

total: 1700

nicht so good.

Apple (80)
Slimfast (220)
2 pickles (20)
sesame seeds (25)
pasta (210)
sauce (80)
3 shots of vodka (120)

total: 805

Ok, you have to admit, that's pretty good. I've still got it.