Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money with this story
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Hi! Good chapter! And whoa good to know you haven't given up on this... Also, I don't care about what Albus thinks... Harry did manipulate Severus just like Albus... A relationship cannot be founded on coersion. Harry needs some groveling to do...
It just took me a while to realise that what I had was perfect for what I wanted and that I did not exactly need another ending in one chapter ;).
I did not actually want Albus to have that much to do with the relationship of the two, but with the basic thinking processes of Severus. Sure, he can and will - I mean, it's Albus Dumbledore, of course he has to - give people his own opinion on things. But all this special part is supposed to do is give the readers a unique look into Severus' mind and the way he is thinking.
I was a little confused at first; because when we last saw them they were starting to get along and they were married. It took me a second to reorient myself, but once I did, I was struck by the loneliness. I feel sorry for them even though it's a situation of their own making.
Nicely done. The pain that both feel was caught cleanly, with neither knowing how to bridge the gap. Harry was never going to get what he wanted by force or subtefuge, and Dumbledore should not have encouraged him. But what is done is done, and it will be interesting to see how they both get on together at Hogwarts.
Now - how pickyy a critique do you want? Do you have a beta who is going to look at this, as there a few things needing looking into. I will just show a couple of the most obvious ones :)
He missed Harry terrible, should be terribly
Undecided or maybe intimidated by the fervour most of the trainers’ persecution of him, this doesn't read cleanly, and probably needs to be rewritten. Is persecution what you were after, or pursuit? I think you also need either an 'of' after fervour or 'displayed in their' after trainers'.
He had tried to show his students that a moment of inanity could very well have dire consequences. Should this be 'insanity'? Inanity reads as a little too harsh, even for how Severus sees
( ... )
Get as picky as you want. The chapter is with my betas right now and I got it back from one already. If your unlucky I might even hire you as a beta. Do you work for a cookie and a smile? No seriously, I have 2 betas who are both not native speakers (one for story line and one who is a nitpicky critic herself) and haven't heard from the third in ages, but I hope she's allright and still able to help me.
I appreciate you pointing out those mistakes and I'll work on the long sentence. In how far is inanity too harsh? I thought it meant about the same as stupidity, just a bit more than that - and harsher of course. Insanity isn't the right word, but I am looking for something that basically means 'unthinking' in a very bad way. Not exactly crazy per se tho.
Hmmm... just checked through the thesaurus and can't find a better word for 'inanity' myself, so ignore me :) It just seemed a little odd to be hearing that word in Snapes' voice, albeit mental, but I can't suggest anything better!
If you do want a 3rd beta, yell. English is my first (and only!) language, and I have had lots of betaing experience. Years worth... and I work for chocolate, even virtual chocolate :)
Please send me an e-mail to ca_pierson@yahoo.com so I can send you the word file. I would appreciate you betaing for me, as all of my betas only write back with 'I wouldn't change a word' and I don't really think I'm that good :). Here, have a chocolate chip cookie *hands munchkinofdoom a cookie* :D.
Bugger, between all of us, we managed to miss a few bits! Some betas we are :)
'Severus Snape looked around his old Hogwarts quarters like so often in the past few weeks. While he was no officially living here again,' Should have been not?
'So now he did not even have Quidditch to distract him from the bottomless pit that was his private live.' Should be life
It doesn't matter (^_^) they are all my mistakes, hence I take responsibility for them ;). They are quite typical for me. A typo and a live/life one ... *chuckles*. I'll change these bits, but don't worry, really.
Comments 19
Also, I don't care about what Albus thinks... Harry did manipulate Severus just like Albus... A relationship cannot be founded on coersion. Harry needs some groveling to do...
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I did not actually want Albus to have that much to do with the relationship of the two, but with the basic thinking processes of Severus. Sure, he can and will - I mean, it's Albus Dumbledore, of course he has to - give people his own opinion on things. But all this special part is supposed to do is give the readers a unique look into Severus' mind and the way he is thinking.
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I think Harry has groveled enough.
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Be well,
Cassandra
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Now - how pickyy a critique do you want? Do you have a beta who is going to look at this, as there a few things needing looking into. I will just show a couple of the most obvious ones :)
He missed Harry terrible, should be terribly
Undecided or maybe intimidated by the fervour most of the trainers’ persecution of him, this doesn't read cleanly, and probably needs to be rewritten. Is persecution what you were after, or pursuit? I think you also need either an 'of' after fervour or 'displayed in their' after trainers'.
He had tried to show his students that a moment of inanity could very well have dire consequences. Should this be 'insanity'? Inanity reads as a little too harsh, even for how Severus sees ( ... )
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I appreciate you pointing out those mistakes and I'll work on the long sentence. In how far is inanity too harsh? I thought it meant about the same as stupidity, just a bit more than that - and harsher of course. Insanity isn't the right word, but I am looking for something that basically means 'unthinking' in a very bad way. Not exactly crazy per se tho.
Oh yes, it did help! Thanks so much.
Be well,
Cassandra
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If you do want a 3rd beta, yell. English is my first (and only!) language, and I have had lots of betaing experience. Years worth... and I work for chocolate, even virtual chocolate :)
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Be well,
Cassandra
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There is a line about Albus that still has its html commands in prep for live journal. I haven't touched that. :)
Should have the chapter back to you in a few days...
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Is it okay if I list you with your livejournal-name as my beta? If not I will change it of course. I'll wait with posting until you answer.
The next chapter is begging me to write it, and I had a few ... interesting ideas, which I hope will be a surprise for everyone.
Be well,
Cassandra
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That will be fine.
The next chapter is begging me to write it, and I had a few ... interesting ideas, which I hope will be a surprise for everyone.
Yessss!!! Adds note to self: bug Cassandra regularly about updating Calling In A Debt :)
Am more than happy to beta anything you want to send my way. Was glad to help. Just hope it was useful :)
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'Severus Snape looked around his old Hogwarts quarters like so often in the past few weeks. While he was no officially living here again,' Should have been not?
'So now he did not even have Quidditch to distract him from the bottomless pit that was his private live.' Should be life
Sigh... will do better next time :)
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