Disclaimers: Neither the idea of Harry Potter nor the characters belong to me in any way. They are the sole property of JKR. I do not make any money with this story
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Nicely done. The pain that both feel was caught cleanly, with neither knowing how to bridge the gap. Harry was never going to get what he wanted by force or subtefuge, and Dumbledore should not have encouraged him. But what is done is done, and it will be interesting to see how they both get on together at Hogwarts.
Now - how pickyy a critique do you want? Do you have a beta who is going to look at this, as there a few things needing looking into. I will just show a couple of the most obvious ones :)
He missed Harry terrible, should be terribly
Undecided or maybe intimidated by the fervour most of the trainers’ persecution of him, this doesn't read cleanly, and probably needs to be rewritten. Is persecution what you were after, or pursuit? I think you also need either an 'of' after fervour or 'displayed in their' after trainers'.
He had tried to show his students that a moment of inanity could very well have dire consequences. Should this be 'insanity'? Inanity reads as a little too harsh, even for how Severus sees
( ... )
Get as picky as you want. The chapter is with my betas right now and I got it back from one already. If your unlucky I might even hire you as a beta. Do you work for a cookie and a smile? No seriously, I have 2 betas who are both not native speakers (one for story line and one who is a nitpicky critic herself) and haven't heard from the third in ages, but I hope she's allright and still able to help me.
I appreciate you pointing out those mistakes and I'll work on the long sentence. In how far is inanity too harsh? I thought it meant about the same as stupidity, just a bit more than that - and harsher of course. Insanity isn't the right word, but I am looking for something that basically means 'unthinking' in a very bad way. Not exactly crazy per se tho.
Hmmm... just checked through the thesaurus and can't find a better word for 'inanity' myself, so ignore me :) It just seemed a little odd to be hearing that word in Snapes' voice, albeit mental, but I can't suggest anything better!
If you do want a 3rd beta, yell. English is my first (and only!) language, and I have had lots of betaing experience. Years worth... and I work for chocolate, even virtual chocolate :)
Please send me an e-mail to ca_pierson@yahoo.com so I can send you the word file. I would appreciate you betaing for me, as all of my betas only write back with 'I wouldn't change a word' and I don't really think I'm that good :). Here, have a chocolate chip cookie *hands munchkinofdoom a cookie* :D.
Please send me an e-mail to ca_pierson@yahoo.com so I can send you the word file.
Done! Look forward to seeing the file. Now, what I usually do is highlight in red what needs changing, with the suggestion following in red in brackets. I don't change the document itself, you get to do that. So if a comma is needed I (,) if a new sentence is needed I (. new sentence) etc.
Lastly, what language do you want me to set the document to? UK english, US english, Australian english :)
as all of my betas only write back with 'I wouldn't change a word' and I don't really think I'm that good :)
Now - how pickyy a critique do you want? Do you have a beta who is going to look at this, as there a few things needing looking into. I will just show a couple of the most obvious ones :)
He missed Harry terrible, should be terribly
Undecided or maybe intimidated by the fervour most of the trainers’ persecution of him, this doesn't read cleanly, and probably needs to be rewritten. Is persecution what you were after, or pursuit? I think you also need either an 'of' after fervour or 'displayed in their' after trainers'.
He had tried to show his students that a moment of inanity could very well have dire consequences. Should this be 'insanity'? Inanity reads as a little too harsh, even for how Severus sees ( ... )
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I appreciate you pointing out those mistakes and I'll work on the long sentence. In how far is inanity too harsh? I thought it meant about the same as stupidity, just a bit more than that - and harsher of course. Insanity isn't the right word, but I am looking for something that basically means 'unthinking' in a very bad way. Not exactly crazy per se tho.
Oh yes, it did help! Thanks so much.
Be well,
Cassandra
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If you do want a 3rd beta, yell. English is my first (and only!) language, and I have had lots of betaing experience. Years worth... and I work for chocolate, even virtual chocolate :)
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Be well,
Cassandra
Reply
Done! Look forward to seeing the file. Now, what I usually do is highlight in red what needs changing, with the suggestion following in red in brackets. I don't change the document itself, you get to do that. So if a comma is needed I (,) if a new sentence is needed I (. new sentence) etc.
Lastly, what language do you want me to set the document to? UK english, US english, Australian english :)
as all of my betas only write back with 'I wouldn't change a word' and I don't really think I'm that good :)
Nothing like praise to make a writer paranoid :)
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