so very many thoughts. so many. i just cant help but wonder if this is the start of many difficult endings. i miss the old days... everything is changing so quickly, so swiftly, all i want is a change of pace...i feel so scared, like the world around me is changing so fast and i want it to slow down to just stop, to let me heal, to stop finding ( Read more... )

why cant i just bring you back ( Read more... )

i've been feeling very empty lately, like the life has just been sucked right out of me and i am just existing. I'm not doing so great right now. The 14th marks a year since dad died. which doesn't even feel like a full year, maybe only half... I'm trying to be okay right now, his birthday was the 3rd. Mom and I visited his grave and left him ( Read more... )

Last night I slept in my Seussical shirt and I haven't slept init for years, I felt warmth and a difference presence about me when I slept. I had wondered if Brent would come to me in my dream but my Dad did instead ( Read more... )

"And the salt in my wounds isn’t burning anymore than it used to. It’s not that I don’t feel the pain, it’s just; I’m not afraid of hurting anymore. And the blood of these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has. And that’s the hope I have, the only thing I know that’s keeping me alive."  -"Last Hope" by Paramore ( Read more... )

Today we went to see Dad's grave for Memorial Day at Tahoma National Cemetery ( Read more... )

that incessant feeling, that one where you're going about your day, and suddenly that heavy feeling hits you. the feeling that he's gone. all too easily i can remember everything about him. the way he drove, the way he talked, the way we talked, the way he would make breakfast in the morning, have his coffee, his mannerisms, his determination for ( Read more... )

I feel a lot like I have lost my motivation. Where a lot of last year was spent with a daily routine of wondering when I would lose my dad, when I would stop feeling like I was dangling from some edge, waiting anxiously for things to fail. I have had a years worth of insomnia, months worth of feeling nothing. Month’s and days on end where I didn’t ( Read more... )

Dream today as I napped ( Read more... )

I got it. The word I was trying to figure out how he makes me feel. He makes my mind feel cluttered. and my self esteem feels low because his is low. And I feel confused if I should stay or go, all the time I feel like he mentally manipulates my feelings with words. Or gives me remarks like saying he doesn't care if we break up or not because he ( Read more... )