#44 Dawn and the Big Sleepover (Chapters 7-9)
Chapters 1-3
Chapters 4-6
Sorry about the delay everyone! My laptop broke and while it was being held at the Apple store and getting a diagnostic run for a few days, I actually started up another snark, Boy-Crazy Stacey written by hand since I was computer-less! When I finish this one, I'll post that one. See what boredom does?
Chapter 7:
Dawn's sitting in homeroom, while her teacher Mr. Blake (one of the 1,289 members of the SMS staff) takes attendance. She won't be there for long, because she has to go to SES and introduce her relief drive at an assembly! Because, you know, Ms. Besser or any of the other teachers can't do it. The whole freakin town is under the BSC's spell, because Ms. Besser got the SES principal to arrange the assembly and the BSC gets to blow off class for a bit so they can be there. And the teachers aren't making a stink about it, like the ones at my school did when kids skipped class to go on college visits, or band/chorus lessons, or visit the middle and elementary schools with the student athlete leadership program. Wow, Kristy's brain-washing ray is really paying off.
And Dawn's nervous about speaking to a bunch of kids, the majority of which she babysits for. The ones who don't use the BSC, well Kristy will take care of that. She's bringing her mind control device! Soon, all of Stoneybrook will be under her control. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait, yeah. Dawn's nervous about speaking in front of a group of kids. But I thought she was oh-so sure of herself because she's such a headstrong individual! I think Lerangis got her personality mixed up with Mary Anne's.
Dawn's so lost in her thoughts, she doesn't realize Mr. Blake called her name, so Mary Anne nudges her and Ray Stuckey (Dawn says he's the class clown...what, was Alan Gray absent?) says "Earth to Dawn! Earth to Dawn!" A real Jerry Seinfeld, that one. Mr. Blake goes back to taking the attendance until the principal, Mr. Taylor, interrupts with an announcement over the loudspeaker. He introduces himself at the beginning of his message...oh lord, my HS principal used to do that. Like we didn't know that was her Maude Flanders-voice talking to us. Anyway, he says that the Seven Chosen Ones will be dismissed at five minutes to ten. Ray Stuckey asks Dawn if he joins the BSC will he get to miss school too, and then fades into BSC Obscurity, joining the Trip-Man and Sarge the cat.
The time arrives, and the girls leave class to go, Dawn's teacher wishing her luck. And of course, that makes her task feel more important, making her more nervous and simultaneously inflating her ego to Kristy-size proportions. The school's secretary, Mrs. Downey, is volunteering to drive them to SES, so they climb into her station wagon. Mallory and Jessi end up in the back (not the backseat, the back), which I always thought was dangerous; it's also metaphorical of how the BSC treats the junior officers in general. Way to go, older girls. And I lost the back cover of the Complete Guide that had the map on it (and the book's gone now too...boo), but aren't SMS and SES across the street from each other? If so, that's a pretty short car ride.
They get to SES, and Ms. Besser greets them, adding that Dawn looks like Jeff. Guess she forgot the time she met Dawn back in book #12. Right? That's one of those books I can't remember if I read or not. They go inside, and Ms. Besser says she's sooo glad the BSC swooped in and came up with this wonderful, benevolent project. The BSC saves the day again! I still find it kind of weird that the school hadn't come up with a fundraiser, and they find the BSC to be geniuses for thinking it up instead. Dawn remarks that the elementary school cafeteria smells like boiled broccoli; mine always smelled like paper towels and processed cheese pizza (Stacey wouldn't have been able to eat it).
The girls meet Ms. Reynolds, the SES principal and Dawn describes her: She has red hair and a strong, kind face. I liked her right away. Geez, they always like the people they meet right away! If this was Mallory narrating, you know she would have thrown in that she wanted to be just like Ms. Reynolds when she grows up! Ms. Reynolds tells Dawn this is a very smart idea - because why should the teachers organize a food/clothing drive, when the BSC can do all the work for them? Dawn is still crazy-nervous, and Mary Anne squeezes her hand for good luck while steam pours from Kristy's ears as she watches with seething jealousy. Mary Anne is HER friend, dammit!.
The BSC walks onstage with the two teachers and sit down in some chairs arranged in a semicircle. Ms. Reynolds tells the kids that the girls are familiar to some of you. More like most of them; the BSC are like surrogate parents to the kids, considering how much the Stoneybrook parents dump them off on a babysitter! Dawn is brought up to the microphone to talk and while she mentally angsts about how crappy her voice sounds amplified, Haley Braddock happily calls out "Hi Dawn!" Lame. Dawn goes through the group to introduce them all, which is kind of pointless, considering the BSC spends all their free time with these kids, babysitting them and organizing carnivals/plays/festivals/pet shows/interpretive dance recitals/taffy pulls for them. Needless to say, the kids' response to each BSC member getting introduced is like Oprah showed up and announced she was doing her Favorite Things episode.
Dawn delves into explaining her project and midway through, she hears a kid yawn loudly in the audience and sees kids laughing as the perpetrator is pulled out of the auditorium by his teacher. Someone bored by a BSC project? BLASPHEMY! That child will pay. She decides to wing it and look up from her notes, and that ends up working, because she's more convincing and passionate. Like when she's scolding a waiter at the Rosebud Cafe for carrying "a plate of murder" to some customers who ordered burgers. By this point, she sees kids in the audience following her and nodding in agreement, so her confidence has been restored and she's happy they're interested. Well, it's that, or Kristy turned the mind-control device on.
She gets to the part about there being a reward at the end, and the kids go nuts when they hear about the sleepover. Dawn asks if there's any questions, and Little Miss Kiss-Up Haley shoots her hand up right away and gushes about what a wonderful idea it is! Yes, keep feeding the egos. She also asks if they can tell their penpals about the project. Don't even think about it! It's going to be a surprise! Say one word, and the entire school gets a Look from Kristy. You got that?
A few more kids ask questions, including a girl named Valerie Namm, who Dawn describes as a friend of Charlotte's. A friend of Charlotte's who we've never heard from before, and never hear from again. That's what I call an incredibly peripheral character. Then a kid named Rob Hines asks if he can blow off the "helping-people" junk and just go to the party, and his friends laugh. Wow, a kid acting like a kid! With a wave of her hand, Dawn changes him into a Stoneybrook Childbot! No, Dawn tells him no work, no play. And why mention this kid NOW? I think some foreshadowing just came into effect...
Finally, Jordan raises his hand and says "Hey, Mal, what's that thing crawling up the wall behind you?" Mallory spins around in horror, Jordan and his friends crack up, and Mallory gets humiliated in front of a large group of elementary school children. Just another day in Stoneybrook for Mallory! And did I mention I love the Pikes? Apart from all the "NOFE AIR!" tantrums and Vanessa's crappy poetry.
With that, Ms. Besser steps in and says she'll answer any remaining questions (yeah, I'm shocked too). The BSC leaves the stage to more thunderous applause and cheering, and this boring chapter comes to a close.
Chapter 8:
ARGH! Or, should that be AUGH!? Since this project involves the kids, as usual, we just hit the block of babysitting chapters. And to make matters worse, this is a babysitting job involving two sitters. Which means we have Jessi and Mallory doing the lame-ass "Having a conversation in the BSC notebook, in effect torturing all those who read it." So Jessi's whining about how she RUINED the Pike's backyard carnival, while Mallory thinks bringing Goober was a good idea. They go back and forth for a bit, and Mallory lets Jessi "tell" the story about Goober ruining/not ruining the carnival. And no, I'm not talking about this Goober:
You'll see what happens.
Anyway, the Pikes decide for their fundraiser they're going to have a patented Stoneybrook Backyard Carnival! Only this one isn't being arranged by the BSC, which probably explains why it's quasi-successful. Ba-ZING! Sorry, Kristy, but four words: Fall Into Fall Festival. I rest my case.
It's run by the Pikes, but Jessi and Mallory get wrangled into helping anyway. Those junior officers just can't catch a break, can they? They help build booths and use stuff lying around the Pikes house. Which probably explains the "Guess the Amount of Mrs. Pike's Unused Birth Control Pills in the Jar" contest Margo's running. Oh yes, I went there.
The triplets set up a free throw contest they charge a quarter for, and Dawn makes a stupid joke about how it isn't really a free throw since they're charging money for it. The triplets gave her an *eyeroll* when she told them that. Wow, the triplets are on fire in this book! Jessi and her cousin Keisha are taking Polaroids of people posing in the Pike's garden and charging them money for it. When you can just bring you own camera and do it for free! What else...the Arnold twins are running the ringtoss, Linny Papadakis is performing a magic show, Nicky and Jordan are going around with a grab bag (a duffel bag filled with comic books and other small toys), Vanessa and Claire are doing a fishing game with a kiddie pool and Claire's rubber ducks (named after the ducklings in Make Way for Ducklings...which I approve of because I like that book). Damn, these are some lame carnival attractions so far. They should have Lisa Engle perform her burlesque routine, that'll get all the Stoneybrook dads to lay down some cash!
Oh wait, this is the lamest carnival attraction: David Michael Thomas made plastic name tags and messages for people, using one of those little rotating things that look like mini versions of the Starship Enterprise. He's charging money to make a label using a FUCKING LABEL MAKER?!? Quoting 3_foot_6's latest snark, "You guys, it's official. Stoneybrook SUCKS." He needs to pull a Bart Simpson and make a label that says "THIS CARNIVAL SUCKS" and stick it on the entrance.
And as Mallory's helping Vanessa blow up the kiddie pool, she gets hit with the basketball from the free throw contest. Which is representative of how life is always throwing basketballs at Mallory. She threatens to shut the triplets down if they don't control the ball better, and Jordan yells at her "You can't say that, you don't even have a pen pal!" I'm as confused as Mallory is. And Claudia, even though she isn't there. She's always confused anyway.
After Jessi takes a crappy photo of Mallory (crappy as in Mallory looks crappy in it...geez, everyone's out to get her in this chapter!), Mallory asks her when Boober's coming. Claire overhears and thinks Boober the Fraggle's coming to save the horror that is this carnival. Now I haven't read BSC books religiously in awhile, but it's been even longer since I've seen Fraggle Rock, so let's see which one Boober is:
Oh ok. And oh lord, Rule 34 applies to Fraggle Rock. I found that out when I Googled o_O
Jessi kills Claire's hopes of meeting a Fraggle by correcting Mallory and telling her GOOBER is coming. HOW ABOUT TELLING US WHO OR WHAT GOOBER IS, LADIES?! Oh, thank you Dawn. Goober is Peter Mansfield, and he's cousins with Jessi's friend Grace from dance class. He lives in the neighboring Stoneybrook town of Mercer (which feels like the only neighboring town, since that's like the only one that's mentioned besides New Hope), and he does a dinosaur show at kids' parties that's all the rage in Mercer, so Jessi got him to perform at their carnival.
And geez, Lerangis, how about mixing up the BSC cliches, because Dawn says Mallory "liked Goober right away." Just like Dawn liked the SES principal right away. Everyone take 2 shots! Dawn says he looked like a Goober. He looked like a jar of peanut butter and jelly? Mallory, in an act of revenge, lets him set up in the driveway, shutting down the triplets free throw contest. But Goober relents and moves aside so they can still play basketball. He probably wants Mallory to get hit again. Because everyone hates Mallory.
Crowds show up, because everyone in Stoneybrook has nothing better to do, and at noon, Goober starts his show. And since you can't have a BSC book without a Wizard of Oz reference, he does his impression of the Cowardly Lion, to the delight of the kids. Everyone take another shot! Goober continues his show, teaching kids about dinosaurs and singing about them, including a rap song about a stegosaurus and it's hella reminding me of this. Well, that or this guy who came to my elementary school dressed as the human body and sang about different organs.
During the second show, beams of light came shining down from the clouds as the singing of an angelic choir filled the air and all the flowers magically bloomed. Yes, the Perfect Perkinses arrived to bestow their perfection upon the Pikes carnival. They floated into the yard with their fluffy angel wings and shining halos over their heads, accompanied by their dog Chewy. I guess Chewy thought Goober wasn't a good act, because after Goober made a joke about dogs surviving past the dinosaurs, Chewy turned tail and ran. Geez, everyone's a critic. And if it's the Perkins' dog showing his dissatisfaction, you might as well pack up and head back to Mercer, Goober.
The Perkins girls run after Chewy, but even their angelic perfection can't stop Chewy, as he runs past Jamie Newton, making him scream bloody murder and wet his pants right there on the spot. Ok, I won't be too hard on him, because I was terrified of dogs at that age too. Jamie ends up running away, knocking over the Arnolds' ring toss and Mrs. Newton, remembering she has a child, runs after Jamie. THEY'RE ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH ~WACKINESS~! Chewy runs into Linny's magic show, tearing down the curtain, and finally the Perkinses get a hold of him and take him back home, to work their perfect magic so he won't do that again. And I guess Mrs. Newton got lost, because Jessi tends to an hysterical Jamie.
Things calm down, the attractions get fixed, and Goober continues his show without incident. And somehow, the crowd doubles after all the chaos. See? The Perkins girls did bring their perfection to the carnival!
Chapter 9:
Another babysitting chapter, this time with a notebook entry from everyone's favorite semi-literate 8th grader. And for the love of Mimi, this entry is worse than usual. I have to copy it in its entirety so you guys can see it in all its glory:
Yestirday was the yard sail at the Radous Rudowskis. Boy was I glad to read about your carnaval, Jesi. Dont get me rong. Its just maks me feel beter, that I wasnt the only one who had a tough time. Remeber when I was assined to supervize the sale and I said that if Jacky Rudowsky was involvd it was bound to be a disastr? Well the funy thing was, it was'nt even Jacky who mest up.
Ok, everyone's brains still intact after reading that? Now give me five.
And a yard sail? Did she bring the boat she sailed in Island Adventure over and display it in the Rodowskys' yard? I'm not even going to go near 'assined.' It sounds...dirty.
Geez, first we have to suffer through a Claudia BSC Notebook entry, now we have to suffer through a Rodowsky sitting chapter. I actually don't mind Jackie. I just hate reading sitting chapters involving him because it always feels like I'm reading the script of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, or a bad sitcom from the 80s. The kid's clumsy, we get it, stop beating us over the head with it!
Dawn says Claudia always wears her most indestructible clothes when she's babysitting for the Rodowskys. I remember that from another book...wasn't it jeans a button-down white shirt? You'd think she'd pick a different color than white, since stains would show up the worst on white! But, logic isn't one of Claudia's strong suits. Dawn says if Claudia had a suit of armor, she'd wear that when sitting for them. Dammit, Dawn, don't give her any ideas! Now she's going to make a chain mail jumpsuit out of pop-tops from soda cans.
This chapter starts at the meeting after their assembly, and Mrs. Rodowsky calls, asking if one of them can supervise the garage sale Shea and Jackie are organizing. Because, you know, she and Mr. Rodowsky can't do it. I guess they have to go to the grocery store. Needless to say, none of the girls jump at the chance to help out. Just like if the Prezziosos called. They finally draw straws to see who the sacrificial lamb will be, and Claudia ends up the victim. You know they rigged that, and Claudia's so dense she didn't notice.
In the days leading up the garage sale, Claudia helps them make a flyer (When will people learn - NEVER TRUST CLAUDIA TO MAKE A FLYER BECAUSE SHE KANT SPEL GUD!) and collect donations from other kids. That same week, donations start pouring into the barn and Dawn is surprised to see kids asking for receipts so they can win first prize at the sleepover. Dawn fears the kids are getting too competitive (after ignoring Mary Anne's concerns when she mentioned it), and Claudia notices the same thing at the garage sale.
Right away, as Jackie is showing Claudia the stuff he and Shea got their parents to donate, he knocks a glass bowl into a toaster, which nudges a pile of plates off the table and sends them crashing into the driveway. Claudia sends him off to get a broom and Jackie goes to find one, almost bumping into another table in the process. Because, you know, he's a WALKING DISASTER. I don't think they ever made that clear enough.
They sweep up the broken plates with Jackie managing to not cause anymore destruction, and they open for business. And then problems start to arise. Mrs. Delaney picks up a lamp which she recognizes as one of her own. Since it's the Delaneys, I'm guessing it's covered with rubies and they bought it for $896. And wait...the Delaneys go to Stoneybrook Academy! This is an SES project. Why are their kids donating stuff too?
Watson the Millionaire shows up and asks Claudia what kind of books are available. Claudia picks an old book off a pile and stumbles over trying to pronounce Dostoevsky. Of course she would. Watson the Millionaire probably made her read it out loud because he wanted to torture her. And, uh oh, it's HIS book! The whole pile is his! There's his name right on the title page of Crime and Punishment - Watson the Millionaire! He confronts David Michael, who sheepishly admits to taking them because they're old and Watson the Millionaire never reads them. Then Elizabeth comes over with a box of her picture frames. You see where this is going. David Michael starts to plead his case, but Elizabeth ignores him and says Mrs. Kilbourne found a necklace of her's that Maria donated. Hey - the Kilbournes go to Stoneybrook Day School! Are all the kids involved in stealing stuff from their parents? I mean, the parents are pretty oblivious most of the time, so it must have been easy.
Elizabeth says Mrs. Kuhn found some of her things there, and then Mr. Rodowsky runs past them, wielding a tennis racket and chasing Shea. Turns out it cost him $73, and he just rescued it from someone who tried to buy it. Then they hear Mrs. Addison scolding her daughter Corrie for donating a radio without her permission. The Brewers and Mrs. Rodowsky put two and two together (because Claudia can't), then realize what's going on. Claudia's trying hard not to laugh at it, and I don't see how this is funny. The kids basically stole stuff from their parents, and if no one had caught on, there would be serious trouble.
Kids putting stuff out for sale at a garage sale without their parents' permission? I have something to say to that.
RUGRATS DID IT! Anyone else remember Tommy and the babies putting all the Pickles' stuff out for sale, including Stu's disco suit and the adults don't realize what happened before it's too late?
Anyway, Mr. Rodowsky takes matters into his own hands and addresses the crowd, telling them that most of the things for sale are unauthorized and asking if they can wait a few minutes while they sort everything out. Mrs. Delaney ends up relenting and gives the lamp up for sale, Mrs. Addison and Watson the Millionaire buy their stuff back, and everything ends up ok in the end. And we have more foreshadowing set up for the next chapter, hooray! But that'll have to wait for the next entry because I'm tired and I'm going to NYC tomorrow to hunt for some more BSC books. Does that make me as sophisticated as Stacey because I'm originally from NYC?
Ok, so coming up - Dawn catches more kids cheating the system, another boring babysitting chapter, and it's sleepover time!
Chapters 4-6
Sorry about the delay everyone! My laptop broke and while it was being held at the Apple store and getting a diagnostic run for a few days, I actually started up another snark, Boy-Crazy Stacey written by hand since I was computer-less! When I finish this one, I'll post that one. See what boredom does?
Chapter 7:
Dawn's sitting in homeroom, while her teacher Mr. Blake (one of the 1,289 members of the SMS staff) takes attendance. She won't be there for long, because she has to go to SES and introduce her relief drive at an assembly! Because, you know, Ms. Besser or any of the other teachers can't do it. The whole freakin town is under the BSC's spell, because Ms. Besser got the SES principal to arrange the assembly and the BSC gets to blow off class for a bit so they can be there. And the teachers aren't making a stink about it, like the ones at my school did when kids skipped class to go on college visits, or band/chorus lessons, or visit the middle and elementary schools with the student athlete leadership program. Wow, Kristy's brain-washing ray is really paying off.
And Dawn's nervous about speaking to a bunch of kids, the majority of which she babysits for. The ones who don't use the BSC, well Kristy will take care of that. She's bringing her mind control device! Soon, all of Stoneybrook will be under her control. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wait, yeah. Dawn's nervous about speaking in front of a group of kids. But I thought she was oh-so sure of herself because she's such a headstrong individual! I think Lerangis got her personality mixed up with Mary Anne's.
Dawn's so lost in her thoughts, she doesn't realize Mr. Blake called her name, so Mary Anne nudges her and Ray Stuckey (Dawn says he's the class clown...what, was Alan Gray absent?) says "Earth to Dawn! Earth to Dawn!" A real Jerry Seinfeld, that one. Mr. Blake goes back to taking the attendance until the principal, Mr. Taylor, interrupts with an announcement over the loudspeaker. He introduces himself at the beginning of his message...oh lord, my HS principal used to do that. Like we didn't know that was her Maude Flanders-voice talking to us. Anyway, he says that the Seven Chosen Ones will be dismissed at five minutes to ten. Ray Stuckey asks Dawn if he joins the BSC will he get to miss school too, and then fades into BSC Obscurity, joining the Trip-Man and Sarge the cat.
The time arrives, and the girls leave class to go, Dawn's teacher wishing her luck. And of course, that makes her task feel more important, making her more nervous and simultaneously inflating her ego to Kristy-size proportions. The school's secretary, Mrs. Downey, is volunteering to drive them to SES, so they climb into her station wagon. Mallory and Jessi end up in the back (not the backseat, the back), which I always thought was dangerous; it's also metaphorical of how the BSC treats the junior officers in general. Way to go, older girls. And I lost the back cover of the Complete Guide that had the map on it (and the book's gone now too...boo), but aren't SMS and SES across the street from each other? If so, that's a pretty short car ride.
They get to SES, and Ms. Besser greets them, adding that Dawn looks like Jeff. Guess she forgot the time she met Dawn back in book #12. Right? That's one of those books I can't remember if I read or not. They go inside, and Ms. Besser says she's sooo glad the BSC swooped in and came up with this wonderful, benevolent project. The BSC saves the day again! I still find it kind of weird that the school hadn't come up with a fundraiser, and they find the BSC to be geniuses for thinking it up instead. Dawn remarks that the elementary school cafeteria smells like boiled broccoli; mine always smelled like paper towels and processed cheese pizza (Stacey wouldn't have been able to eat it).
The girls meet Ms. Reynolds, the SES principal and Dawn describes her: She has red hair and a strong, kind face. I liked her right away. Geez, they always like the people they meet right away! If this was Mallory narrating, you know she would have thrown in that she wanted to be just like Ms. Reynolds when she grows up! Ms. Reynolds tells Dawn this is a very smart idea - because why should the teachers organize a food/clothing drive, when the BSC can do all the work for them? Dawn is still crazy-nervous, and Mary Anne squeezes her hand for good luck while steam pours from Kristy's ears as she watches with seething jealousy. Mary Anne is HER friend, dammit!.
The BSC walks onstage with the two teachers and sit down in some chairs arranged in a semicircle. Ms. Reynolds tells the kids that the girls are familiar to some of you. More like most of them; the BSC are like surrogate parents to the kids, considering how much the Stoneybrook parents dump them off on a babysitter! Dawn is brought up to the microphone to talk and while she mentally angsts about how crappy her voice sounds amplified, Haley Braddock happily calls out "Hi Dawn!" Lame. Dawn goes through the group to introduce them all, which is kind of pointless, considering the BSC spends all their free time with these kids, babysitting them and organizing carnivals/plays/festivals/pet shows/interpretive dance recitals/taffy pulls for them. Needless to say, the kids' response to each BSC member getting introduced is like Oprah showed up and announced she was doing her Favorite Things episode.
Dawn delves into explaining her project and midway through, she hears a kid yawn loudly in the audience and sees kids laughing as the perpetrator is pulled out of the auditorium by his teacher. Someone bored by a BSC project? BLASPHEMY! That child will pay. She decides to wing it and look up from her notes, and that ends up working, because she's more convincing and passionate. Like when she's scolding a waiter at the Rosebud Cafe for carrying "a plate of murder" to some customers who ordered burgers. By this point, she sees kids in the audience following her and nodding in agreement, so her confidence has been restored and she's happy they're interested. Well, it's that, or Kristy turned the mind-control device on.
She gets to the part about there being a reward at the end, and the kids go nuts when they hear about the sleepover. Dawn asks if there's any questions, and Little Miss Kiss-Up Haley shoots her hand up right away and gushes about what a wonderful idea it is! Yes, keep feeding the egos. She also asks if they can tell their penpals about the project. Don't even think about it! It's going to be a surprise! Say one word, and the entire school gets a Look from Kristy. You got that?
A few more kids ask questions, including a girl named Valerie Namm, who Dawn describes as a friend of Charlotte's. A friend of Charlotte's who we've never heard from before, and never hear from again. That's what I call an incredibly peripheral character. Then a kid named Rob Hines asks if he can blow off the "helping-people" junk and just go to the party, and his friends laugh. Wow, a kid acting like a kid! With a wave of her hand, Dawn changes him into a Stoneybrook Childbot! No, Dawn tells him no work, no play. And why mention this kid NOW? I think some foreshadowing just came into effect...
Finally, Jordan raises his hand and says "Hey, Mal, what's that thing crawling up the wall behind you?" Mallory spins around in horror, Jordan and his friends crack up, and Mallory gets humiliated in front of a large group of elementary school children. Just another day in Stoneybrook for Mallory! And did I mention I love the Pikes? Apart from all the "NOFE AIR!" tantrums and Vanessa's crappy poetry.
With that, Ms. Besser steps in and says she'll answer any remaining questions (yeah, I'm shocked too). The BSC leaves the stage to more thunderous applause and cheering, and this boring chapter comes to a close.
Chapter 8:
ARGH! Or, should that be AUGH!? Since this project involves the kids, as usual, we just hit the block of babysitting chapters. And to make matters worse, this is a babysitting job involving two sitters. Which means we have Jessi and Mallory doing the lame-ass "Having a conversation in the BSC notebook, in effect torturing all those who read it." So Jessi's whining about how she RUINED the Pike's backyard carnival, while Mallory thinks bringing Goober was a good idea. They go back and forth for a bit, and Mallory lets Jessi "tell" the story about Goober ruining/not ruining the carnival. And no, I'm not talking about this Goober:
You'll see what happens.
Anyway, the Pikes decide for their fundraiser they're going to have a patented Stoneybrook Backyard Carnival! Only this one isn't being arranged by the BSC, which probably explains why it's quasi-successful. Ba-ZING! Sorry, Kristy, but four words: Fall Into Fall Festival. I rest my case.
It's run by the Pikes, but Jessi and Mallory get wrangled into helping anyway. Those junior officers just can't catch a break, can they? They help build booths and use stuff lying around the Pikes house. Which probably explains the "Guess the Amount of Mrs. Pike's Unused Birth Control Pills in the Jar" contest Margo's running. Oh yes, I went there.
The triplets set up a free throw contest they charge a quarter for, and Dawn makes a stupid joke about how it isn't really a free throw since they're charging money for it. The triplets gave her an *eyeroll* when she told them that. Wow, the triplets are on fire in this book! Jessi and her cousin Keisha are taking Polaroids of people posing in the Pike's garden and charging them money for it. When you can just bring you own camera and do it for free! What else...the Arnold twins are running the ringtoss, Linny Papadakis is performing a magic show, Nicky and Jordan are going around with a grab bag (a duffel bag filled with comic books and other small toys), Vanessa and Claire are doing a fishing game with a kiddie pool and Claire's rubber ducks (named after the ducklings in Make Way for Ducklings...which I approve of because I like that book). Damn, these are some lame carnival attractions so far. They should have Lisa Engle perform her burlesque routine, that'll get all the Stoneybrook dads to lay down some cash!
Oh wait, this is the lamest carnival attraction: David Michael Thomas made plastic name tags and messages for people, using one of those little rotating things that look like mini versions of the Starship Enterprise. He's charging money to make a label using a FUCKING LABEL MAKER?!? Quoting 3_foot_6's latest snark, "You guys, it's official. Stoneybrook SUCKS." He needs to pull a Bart Simpson and make a label that says "THIS CARNIVAL SUCKS" and stick it on the entrance.
And as Mallory's helping Vanessa blow up the kiddie pool, she gets hit with the basketball from the free throw contest. Which is representative of how life is always throwing basketballs at Mallory. She threatens to shut the triplets down if they don't control the ball better, and Jordan yells at her "You can't say that, you don't even have a pen pal!" I'm as confused as Mallory is. And Claudia, even though she isn't there. She's always confused anyway.
After Jessi takes a crappy photo of Mallory (crappy as in Mallory looks crappy in it...geez, everyone's out to get her in this chapter!), Mallory asks her when Boober's coming. Claire overhears and thinks Boober the Fraggle's coming to save the horror that is this carnival. Now I haven't read BSC books religiously in awhile, but it's been even longer since I've seen Fraggle Rock, so let's see which one Boober is:
Oh ok. And oh lord, Rule 34 applies to Fraggle Rock. I found that out when I Googled o_O
Jessi kills Claire's hopes of meeting a Fraggle by correcting Mallory and telling her GOOBER is coming. HOW ABOUT TELLING US WHO OR WHAT GOOBER IS, LADIES?! Oh, thank you Dawn. Goober is Peter Mansfield, and he's cousins with Jessi's friend Grace from dance class. He lives in the neighboring Stoneybrook town of Mercer (which feels like the only neighboring town, since that's like the only one that's mentioned besides New Hope), and he does a dinosaur show at kids' parties that's all the rage in Mercer, so Jessi got him to perform at their carnival.
And geez, Lerangis, how about mixing up the BSC cliches, because Dawn says Mallory "liked Goober right away." Just like Dawn liked the SES principal right away. Everyone take 2 shots! Dawn says he looked like a Goober. He looked like a jar of peanut butter and jelly? Mallory, in an act of revenge, lets him set up in the driveway, shutting down the triplets free throw contest. But Goober relents and moves aside so they can still play basketball. He probably wants Mallory to get hit again. Because everyone hates Mallory.
Crowds show up, because everyone in Stoneybrook has nothing better to do, and at noon, Goober starts his show. And since you can't have a BSC book without a Wizard of Oz reference, he does his impression of the Cowardly Lion, to the delight of the kids. Everyone take another shot! Goober continues his show, teaching kids about dinosaurs and singing about them, including a rap song about a stegosaurus and it's hella reminding me of this. Well, that or this guy who came to my elementary school dressed as the human body and sang about different organs.
During the second show, beams of light came shining down from the clouds as the singing of an angelic choir filled the air and all the flowers magically bloomed. Yes, the Perfect Perkinses arrived to bestow their perfection upon the Pikes carnival. They floated into the yard with their fluffy angel wings and shining halos over their heads, accompanied by their dog Chewy. I guess Chewy thought Goober wasn't a good act, because after Goober made a joke about dogs surviving past the dinosaurs, Chewy turned tail and ran. Geez, everyone's a critic. And if it's the Perkins' dog showing his dissatisfaction, you might as well pack up and head back to Mercer, Goober.
The Perkins girls run after Chewy, but even their angelic perfection can't stop Chewy, as he runs past Jamie Newton, making him scream bloody murder and wet his pants right there on the spot. Ok, I won't be too hard on him, because I was terrified of dogs at that age too. Jamie ends up running away, knocking over the Arnolds' ring toss and Mrs. Newton, remembering she has a child, runs after Jamie. THEY'RE ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH ~WACKINESS~! Chewy runs into Linny's magic show, tearing down the curtain, and finally the Perkinses get a hold of him and take him back home, to work their perfect magic so he won't do that again. And I guess Mrs. Newton got lost, because Jessi tends to an hysterical Jamie.
Things calm down, the attractions get fixed, and Goober continues his show without incident. And somehow, the crowd doubles after all the chaos. See? The Perkins girls did bring their perfection to the carnival!
Chapter 9:
Another babysitting chapter, this time with a notebook entry from everyone's favorite semi-literate 8th grader. And for the love of Mimi, this entry is worse than usual. I have to copy it in its entirety so you guys can see it in all its glory:
Yestirday was the yard sail at the Radous Rudowskis. Boy was I glad to read about your carnaval, Jesi. Dont get me rong. Its just maks me feel beter, that I wasnt the only one who had a tough time. Remeber when I was assined to supervize the sale and I said that if Jacky Rudowsky was involvd it was bound to be a disastr? Well the funy thing was, it was'nt even Jacky who mest up.
Ok, everyone's brains still intact after reading that? Now give me five.
And a yard sail? Did she bring the boat she sailed in Island Adventure over and display it in the Rodowskys' yard? I'm not even going to go near 'assined.' It sounds...dirty.
Geez, first we have to suffer through a Claudia BSC Notebook entry, now we have to suffer through a Rodowsky sitting chapter. I actually don't mind Jackie. I just hate reading sitting chapters involving him because it always feels like I'm reading the script of a Bugs Bunny cartoon, or a bad sitcom from the 80s. The kid's clumsy, we get it, stop beating us over the head with it!
Dawn says Claudia always wears her most indestructible clothes when she's babysitting for the Rodowskys. I remember that from another book...wasn't it jeans a button-down white shirt? You'd think she'd pick a different color than white, since stains would show up the worst on white! But, logic isn't one of Claudia's strong suits. Dawn says if Claudia had a suit of armor, she'd wear that when sitting for them. Dammit, Dawn, don't give her any ideas! Now she's going to make a chain mail jumpsuit out of pop-tops from soda cans.
This chapter starts at the meeting after their assembly, and Mrs. Rodowsky calls, asking if one of them can supervise the garage sale Shea and Jackie are organizing. Because, you know, she and Mr. Rodowsky can't do it. I guess they have to go to the grocery store. Needless to say, none of the girls jump at the chance to help out. Just like if the Prezziosos called. They finally draw straws to see who the sacrificial lamb will be, and Claudia ends up the victim. You know they rigged that, and Claudia's so dense she didn't notice.
In the days leading up the garage sale, Claudia helps them make a flyer (When will people learn - NEVER TRUST CLAUDIA TO MAKE A FLYER BECAUSE SHE KANT SPEL GUD!) and collect donations from other kids. That same week, donations start pouring into the barn and Dawn is surprised to see kids asking for receipts so they can win first prize at the sleepover. Dawn fears the kids are getting too competitive (after ignoring Mary Anne's concerns when she mentioned it), and Claudia notices the same thing at the garage sale.
Right away, as Jackie is showing Claudia the stuff he and Shea got their parents to donate, he knocks a glass bowl into a toaster, which nudges a pile of plates off the table and sends them crashing into the driveway. Claudia sends him off to get a broom and Jackie goes to find one, almost bumping into another table in the process. Because, you know, he's a WALKING DISASTER. I don't think they ever made that clear enough.
They sweep up the broken plates with Jackie managing to not cause anymore destruction, and they open for business. And then problems start to arise. Mrs. Delaney picks up a lamp which she recognizes as one of her own. Since it's the Delaneys, I'm guessing it's covered with rubies and they bought it for $896. And wait...the Delaneys go to Stoneybrook Academy! This is an SES project. Why are their kids donating stuff too?
Watson the Millionaire shows up and asks Claudia what kind of books are available. Claudia picks an old book off a pile and stumbles over trying to pronounce Dostoevsky. Of course she would. Watson the Millionaire probably made her read it out loud because he wanted to torture her. And, uh oh, it's HIS book! The whole pile is his! There's his name right on the title page of Crime and Punishment - Watson the Millionaire! He confronts David Michael, who sheepishly admits to taking them because they're old and Watson the Millionaire never reads them. Then Elizabeth comes over with a box of her picture frames. You see where this is going. David Michael starts to plead his case, but Elizabeth ignores him and says Mrs. Kilbourne found a necklace of her's that Maria donated. Hey - the Kilbournes go to Stoneybrook Day School! Are all the kids involved in stealing stuff from their parents? I mean, the parents are pretty oblivious most of the time, so it must have been easy.
Elizabeth says Mrs. Kuhn found some of her things there, and then Mr. Rodowsky runs past them, wielding a tennis racket and chasing Shea. Turns out it cost him $73, and he just rescued it from someone who tried to buy it. Then they hear Mrs. Addison scolding her daughter Corrie for donating a radio without her permission. The Brewers and Mrs. Rodowsky put two and two together (because Claudia can't), then realize what's going on. Claudia's trying hard not to laugh at it, and I don't see how this is funny. The kids basically stole stuff from their parents, and if no one had caught on, there would be serious trouble.
Kids putting stuff out for sale at a garage sale without their parents' permission? I have something to say to that.
RUGRATS DID IT! Anyone else remember Tommy and the babies putting all the Pickles' stuff out for sale, including Stu's disco suit and the adults don't realize what happened before it's too late?
Anyway, Mr. Rodowsky takes matters into his own hands and addresses the crowd, telling them that most of the things for sale are unauthorized and asking if they can wait a few minutes while they sort everything out. Mrs. Delaney ends up relenting and gives the lamp up for sale, Mrs. Addison and Watson the Millionaire buy their stuff back, and everything ends up ok in the end. And we have more foreshadowing set up for the next chapter, hooray! But that'll have to wait for the next entry because I'm tired and I'm going to NYC tomorrow to hunt for some more BSC books. Does that make me as sophisticated as Stacey because I'm originally from NYC?
Ok, so coming up - Dawn catches more kids cheating the system, another boring babysitting chapter, and it's sleepover time!