Book 70: Stacey and the Cheerleaders, part 4
Okay, guys, here's the thing. So I started this snark about six months ago, right? But then the holiday season descended on me, and the book got packed away, and then I just kind of forgot about it. And now I am sheepishly returning, hoping that y'all still want to read my take on book #70, Stacey and the Cheerleaders.
Chapters 10-12 ho!
Chapter 10:
We start chapter 10 being plunged Lerangis-style into Jessi drilling Stacey on her cheerleading moves. Apparently the routine goes "Chasse left, chasse right, step, kick, step, kick. Don't forget your arms, Stacey - elbows straight up, that's it, now turn, turn, pump those arms, jump...jump...split!"
You know, I think I saw a porno like this once.
Stacey is sweaty and exhausted, and feels as though she's getting nowhere. While I can't do splits, and I have no freakin' clue what a chasse is, I have to say, it doesn't sound that complicated. Jessi assures her that aside from the "final tableau" (again, whatever the heck that is, does anyone here speak dancer?) it was "almost perfect."
Jessi demonstrates the split and Stacey thinks, "I swear, that girl must have rubber bands instead of bones."
There are a few ways I could make that dirty, but I choose to take the high road.
Stacey's left leg "barks" at her. Which I think is supposed to indicate muscle cramps, but just makes me wonder if the BSC tyranny has driven her to mental collapse and schizophrenia.
The next morning, Stacey is stiff, but her legs feel stronger. The better to...no, no, I'm not working blue this time, no matter how much ammo Lerangis gives me. She runs into Robert and Marty on the way to school, and Robert totally cuts off his conversation with Marty to talk to her. Rude.
Robert is disgusted that Marty has apparently told a teacher about an "emergency basketball drill" that he needs to attend this morning, and the teacher, being one of those jock-lovers, has let Marty go without questioning. Stacey thinks this is unfair. Robert agrees. Honestly, if I had a teacher dumb enough to fall for that, I'd exploit it. (Well, probably not, because I'm a bigger goody-goody than Stacey when it comes to lying to authority, but I would want to and be totally jealous of the kids who had the stones to try it.) Stacey remembers cheerleaders pulling similar BS and getting away with it, which...okay, I'll buy that Mr. Blake (one of the 1,002 SMS faculty members) is a basketball fan, but who would let cheerleaders go for an emergency practice without requiring some kind of note, or at least asking the teacher? It's not like these girls are competitive cheerleaders, they're the jumping up and down screaming "go team go!" cheerleaders. What emergency practice could they really need?
As they go into school, Stacey has a funny feeling. (Well, there comes a time in every girl's life when she starts to notice changes in her body...) Apparently while she's heard of this kind of thing happening before, it's "creepy" to be witness to it. "Creepy," really? It's not like they're using mind control or veiled threats to get their way. Their homeroom teacher is just a dolt. "Obnoxious," maybe, "irritating," or even "infuriating," but I don't see the creepy.
Some good comes of the situation when Robert asks Stacey out for two dates in a row. Stacey gets overexcited and shouts, "Yes! I accept and I accept!" Hasn't anyone ever taught her about playing hard to get? Now he's totally going to expect you to put out.
After school, Stacey and Jessi run through her routine a few more times, and she finally starts to feel like she's getting it. She shouts "We're the best! Stace and Jess! Yea, team!" which always cracks me up for the sheer lameness of it.
Quick sidebar: is "yea" supposed to be pronounced like "yeah" or "yay?" They always seem to use it in place of "yeah" in the series, but I always thought that "yea" was pronounced "yay." Either way, it strikes me as a poor choice of word.
After the meeting, Jessi moves that they all move to the backyard to preview Stacey's cheerleading routine. Kristy does not murder Jessi for making an official motion without checking with her first. Claudia flat-out laughs at her (nice, BFF, nice), but Mary Anne is actually sensitive and supportive for a change, telling her that "If you were a cheerleader, I wouldn't be able to watch the game!"
OH COME ON, I'M TRYING TO BE CLASSY HERE, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP THROWING STUFF LIKE THIS AT ME. I feel like Pam in that episode of The Office where she's listening to Jim's day via Bluetooth and Kelly yells at Dwight to "get out of her nook," and Pam, finally unable to contain herself in this environment of boredom that is her part time NYC office job, leaps up screaming "That's what she said! That's what she said!" God, Lerangis, I'm trying to not make sex jokes here, and you're making it really hard. (That's what she said!)
Stacey sits with the cheerleaders at lunch, and Sheila suggests a second dress rehearsal. Darcy leads them out into the parking lot and gets the okay from a Mr. Schubert (suddenly I want to go through all the books and write down every SMS faculty member and the number of times they appear) to run through Stacey's routine. Even though it's against the rules to leave the building, Stacey goes along with it. See, it's suddenly more tolerable when you're getting the benefits, isn't it? The cheerleaders are impressed, and Stacey describes herself as being "high as a kite." Got into Sharon's stash, did we? Be careful with that - the munchies can't be good for your diabetes.
Friday, Stacey has a dinner date with Robert, and he surprises her by showing up at the Kishis' to pick her up. (How did he know where Claudia lives? See, Stacey, that is creepy.) Jessi, queen of subtlety and grace, screeches "Oh, wow, is that him?!"
Jesus H Christ, Jessi, how many boys does Stacey usually date at once?
Jessi at least has the good grace to be apologetic (apparently she didn't stop apologizing for a week straight), and everyone but Robert finds it hilarious. Lighten up, Bob, it was kind of funny.
We don't hear anything about this date (Lerangis is skipping over everything in this chapter), and the next afternoon she goes to watch Robert play. A high school game on a Saturday afternoon? Really? My school wasn't big on sports, so I don't really know how they roll, but I always thought they tended to take place after school. Oh, and one time Robert winks at Stacey from the court.
Then they go on a double date with Mary Anne and Logan. They go bowling - tres sophisticated, Stacey - and Mary Anne is the only one who can roll the ball straight. Must. Not. Make. Cheap. Gay. Jokes... Logan is humiliated at being shown up by the wimminfolk, and I suspect Mary Anne is going to accidentally walk into a door later tonight. Robert, however, is somehow impressed by this show of natural athleticism and tells her she should try out for the basketball team. Mary Anne does not turn red and want to die, so apparently she's making some progress with her social skills.
This book got really boring in the middle, so apologies for lack of good snark on this chapter. There's just NOTHING to talk about - everything takes place off-camera. Off-page?
Chapter 11:
It's time for the cheerleading tryouts, and Stacey is piss-in-her-pants terrified. The BSC - including Mallory, who apparently got out of mono lockdown long enough to attend - is watching from the bleachers. Stacey starts to psych herself out and the other baby-sitters jump in with advice:
Jessi: "Don't overthink."
Mary Anne: "Sing a song to yourself." (...ooookay...)
Claudia: "Relax."
Kristy: "Do some wind sprints." (The sheer randomness of this makes me laugh.)
Stacey's snarktacular mental response: "Stop thinking, sing, relax, and sprint. Right. No problem." Hee. I really do love it when Stacey gets her snark on.
The tryouts start, Darcy says some shit, it's really boring, but then we get to the 90s clothes. Outstanding.
"The girls began running down the bleachers. They sounded like a herd of elephants. Elephants, however, would never dream of dressing the way some of the girls did. Neon-pattern aerobics suits, French-cut leotards, expensive-looking shorts with button shirts tied at the waist. I was in the middle of a fashion show."
I honestly can't tell if this is more snark or these things are supposed to be trendy or what. I was ten when this book came out, and my school had uniforms. However, we get more Stacey humor next, so I'll stop puzzling over this and move it along.
"A logjam had formed in front of the cheerleaders. Everyone wanted to be in the front row. Girls were standing so close together, they would have knocked each other out if they had had to do a kick.
I guess that would have been one way of making the first cut."
Ha. Cheerleader thunderdome, I fucking love it! (And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to copyright that idea before someone else steals it.)
Anyway, tryouts begin, Stacey makes it through the first cut. We get a few student names: Kathleen Lopez (holy fuck, a Hispanic in Stoneybrook! Who Stacey describes as "Tall, willowy-thin like a model, and stunning. She even looked great giving her cassette to Darcy." Oy, Lerangis, you're really making it hard for me to avoid the cheap gay jokes, aren't you? Also, cassettes. Ah, memories.), Lisa Kedem (such a random surname that I'm wondering if it's a shout-out to someone), Ronnie Gallea (maybe Lerangis just likes unusual names) and Diane Maqnani (yeah, I guess that's what it is). I'm pretty sure none of these girls ever showed up again.
Shockingly, Stacey makes the squad. I told you, this section of the book is pretty dull.
Chapter 12:
Claudia has a sitting job with Talentless Tiffany. In her notebook entry, she manages to spell "forward" right, but misspells Mary Anne as "mary ann" once (gets it right another time) and "know" as "knoe." And she spells "realize" as "realise," but I'm not sure if she's spelling badly or has turned British overnight.
The chapter opens with "Claudia was on a mission To Create An Artist. She had done it once before, with a sitting charge named Rosie Wilder. Rosie had a million talents but was unhappy, and Claudia helped her realize that she loved art more than anything else." Yeah, except she didn't create shit. Rosie already liked art, she just hid it from her parents so they wouldn't suck all the joy out of that like they had with everything else. And she was miserable because everyone hated her for being Little Miss Perfect and she never had any free time, not because her art chakra was blocked or whatever.
Why is this bothering me? I should just be glad that Lerangis got the basic details right. Moving right along...
Claudia is abandoned to her task by a hurried "Tiffany's in the rec room! Enter at your own risk!" as Mrs. Kilbourne drags Maria out the door. She takes the risk and enters the room, only to find a mess so epic, it actually stuns Claudia, Queen of the Pigs. She can't even get the door open because there's a giant easel blocking it. I guess Tiffany decided to try art all on her own. But I'm sure Claudia will take credit for that, too, don't you worry.
There are also cameras and photo albums stacked on the TV set, sports equipment, a cassette recorder and a bunch of tapes on the couch, and the floor is a primordial soup of puzzle pieces, stamps, Polaroids, magazines, books, coins, art supplies and a guitar. Okay, what the hell kind of ADD does Tiffany have that she's trying to do twenty things at once? And why have her parents lether completely take over the rec room with all this crap?
Claudia inquires if these are all hobbies, and Tiffany turns on her like a crocodile with a stick jammed up its butt. Seriously, she all but snarls "Who told you?! Was it Mary Anne" Like, chill, Tiff, it's not like Mary Anne told her you're trying to scrape together five hundred dollars for an abortion. She asks Claudia if she has a hobby, and begins to run down the myriad ways she has failed as a hobbyist:
- Music is easy to listen to (geez, we're dealing with another Claudia here), but it's "real hard to play. I tried playing the guitar, I even read a book about it (well, yeah, what, you thought you'd just pick it up and do it by instinct?). But when I played it, I sounded like a dying cat." Well, yeah, everyone sucks right off the bat. Claudia's response is pretty funny: "When I sing, I sound like a howling dog. Maybe we could do a duet."
- She sucks at painting, drawing and sculpture, and even though Claudia points out that she hasn't given it much of a chance, she says it's also too messy. Fair enough.
- She's tried hitting a tennis ball against the garage door but misses half the time. (Again, practice? I mean, I wouldn't be able to hit the damn thing twice in a row.)
- When she takes pictures, she cuts peoples' heads off. Wow. Okay, that's some pretty epic suck considering the viewfinder is right there. Yeah, it does happen from time to time if you have a shitty or unfamiliar camera, but if you're doing it regularly enough to deter you from photography, you're probably pretty crap at it.
- Birds and horses all look the same to her. (I've been a horse person my whole life and most horse breeds still look alike to me, Tiffany. I wouldn't worry.) Also, horses smell. (Okay, you have me there.)
- Jigsaw puzzles are boring. (Yeah, like I said before, that's...not really a hobby so much as a time-killer.)
- They don't have a piano. (Why on earth not?! They're fucking loaded. Wouldn't people that rich have a piano just in case someone wanted to take it up, figuring it'd look classy? Or do I know particularly trashy rich people? Because that seems a common practice. Hell, I'm sure if Tiffany asked they could rent one for her.)
- She gets sick licking stamps. Okay, that's hilarious. First of all, I don't think you LICK collectable stamps. Second of all...it's called a sponge, kid, look into it.
Tiffany has a meltdown about how she needs a hobby right now that she can win at so she'll be as worthy a human being as her sisters. Claudia apparently didn't get this info from Mary Anne and is like, "I don't think Mary Anne meant to take up a hobby as a weapon to use against your sisters," and Tiffany, still freaking out awesomely, says "She did! Ask her! We can call her up!" I freaking love this kid. Claudia tells her about Janine's super-genius abilities and how she took up art as a way to get away from the house's Janine-worship, but she ended up loving it and being good at it. Moral of the story, do what you like, not what you can win at.
Tiffany chews on this and tells Claudia what she really likes: flowers. She likes looking at them, she likes planting them, she likes caring for them, she likes arranging them, and she likes "drying the petals to make sachets," which...I'm sorry, when did Tiffany turn 70? Regardless, Claudia's relieved that Tiffany actually likes something, even if she doesn't get the appeal herself. STFU, Claudia. Not everyone has to like art.
Tiffany sets to work mapping out her garden plans for the spring and Mrs. Kilbourne comes home. Another great line: "She offered to adopt Claudia. (Jokingly, I think.)"
As we fade out, we see Tiffany and Maria in the yard gesturing at the ground and talking a mile a minute. Yay. Another family in crisis healed by the all-knowing BSC.
Sorry for the lack of good snark, but man, this book gets incredibly dull and action-less in the middle.
Links to earlier chapters, because I'm sure you've forgotten them by now:
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/97743.html
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/99741.html
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/101835.html
Chapters 10-12 ho!
Chapter 10:
We start chapter 10 being plunged Lerangis-style into Jessi drilling Stacey on her cheerleading moves. Apparently the routine goes "Chasse left, chasse right, step, kick, step, kick. Don't forget your arms, Stacey - elbows straight up, that's it, now turn, turn, pump those arms, jump...jump...split!"
You know, I think I saw a porno like this once.
Stacey is sweaty and exhausted, and feels as though she's getting nowhere. While I can't do splits, and I have no freakin' clue what a chasse is, I have to say, it doesn't sound that complicated. Jessi assures her that aside from the "final tableau" (again, whatever the heck that is, does anyone here speak dancer?) it was "almost perfect."
Jessi demonstrates the split and Stacey thinks, "I swear, that girl must have rubber bands instead of bones."
There are a few ways I could make that dirty, but I choose to take the high road.
Stacey's left leg "barks" at her. Which I think is supposed to indicate muscle cramps, but just makes me wonder if the BSC tyranny has driven her to mental collapse and schizophrenia.
The next morning, Stacey is stiff, but her legs feel stronger. The better to...no, no, I'm not working blue this time, no matter how much ammo Lerangis gives me. She runs into Robert and Marty on the way to school, and Robert totally cuts off his conversation with Marty to talk to her. Rude.
Robert is disgusted that Marty has apparently told a teacher about an "emergency basketball drill" that he needs to attend this morning, and the teacher, being one of those jock-lovers, has let Marty go without questioning. Stacey thinks this is unfair. Robert agrees. Honestly, if I had a teacher dumb enough to fall for that, I'd exploit it. (Well, probably not, because I'm a bigger goody-goody than Stacey when it comes to lying to authority, but I would want to and be totally jealous of the kids who had the stones to try it.) Stacey remembers cheerleaders pulling similar BS and getting away with it, which...okay, I'll buy that Mr. Blake (one of the 1,002 SMS faculty members) is a basketball fan, but who would let cheerleaders go for an emergency practice without requiring some kind of note, or at least asking the teacher? It's not like these girls are competitive cheerleaders, they're the jumping up and down screaming "go team go!" cheerleaders. What emergency practice could they really need?
As they go into school, Stacey has a funny feeling. (Well, there comes a time in every girl's life when she starts to notice changes in her body...) Apparently while she's heard of this kind of thing happening before, it's "creepy" to be witness to it. "Creepy," really? It's not like they're using mind control or veiled threats to get their way. Their homeroom teacher is just a dolt. "Obnoxious," maybe, "irritating," or even "infuriating," but I don't see the creepy.
Some good comes of the situation when Robert asks Stacey out for two dates in a row. Stacey gets overexcited and shouts, "Yes! I accept and I accept!" Hasn't anyone ever taught her about playing hard to get? Now he's totally going to expect you to put out.
After school, Stacey and Jessi run through her routine a few more times, and she finally starts to feel like she's getting it. She shouts "We're the best! Stace and Jess! Yea, team!" which always cracks me up for the sheer lameness of it.
Quick sidebar: is "yea" supposed to be pronounced like "yeah" or "yay?" They always seem to use it in place of "yeah" in the series, but I always thought that "yea" was pronounced "yay." Either way, it strikes me as a poor choice of word.
After the meeting, Jessi moves that they all move to the backyard to preview Stacey's cheerleading routine. Kristy does not murder Jessi for making an official motion without checking with her first. Claudia flat-out laughs at her (nice, BFF, nice), but Mary Anne is actually sensitive and supportive for a change, telling her that "If you were a cheerleader, I wouldn't be able to watch the game!"
OH COME ON, I'M TRYING TO BE CLASSY HERE, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IF YOU KEEP THROWING STUFF LIKE THIS AT ME. I feel like Pam in that episode of The Office where she's listening to Jim's day via Bluetooth and Kelly yells at Dwight to "get out of her nook," and Pam, finally unable to contain herself in this environment of boredom that is her part time NYC office job, leaps up screaming "That's what she said! That's what she said!" God, Lerangis, I'm trying to not make sex jokes here, and you're making it really hard. (That's what she said!)
Stacey sits with the cheerleaders at lunch, and Sheila suggests a second dress rehearsal. Darcy leads them out into the parking lot and gets the okay from a Mr. Schubert (suddenly I want to go through all the books and write down every SMS faculty member and the number of times they appear) to run through Stacey's routine. Even though it's against the rules to leave the building, Stacey goes along with it. See, it's suddenly more tolerable when you're getting the benefits, isn't it? The cheerleaders are impressed, and Stacey describes herself as being "high as a kite." Got into Sharon's stash, did we? Be careful with that - the munchies can't be good for your diabetes.
Friday, Stacey has a dinner date with Robert, and he surprises her by showing up at the Kishis' to pick her up. (How did he know where Claudia lives? See, Stacey, that is creepy.) Jessi, queen of subtlety and grace, screeches "Oh, wow, is that him?!"
Jesus H Christ, Jessi, how many boys does Stacey usually date at once?
Jessi at least has the good grace to be apologetic (apparently she didn't stop apologizing for a week straight), and everyone but Robert finds it hilarious. Lighten up, Bob, it was kind of funny.
We don't hear anything about this date (Lerangis is skipping over everything in this chapter), and the next afternoon she goes to watch Robert play. A high school game on a Saturday afternoon? Really? My school wasn't big on sports, so I don't really know how they roll, but I always thought they tended to take place after school. Oh, and one time Robert winks at Stacey from the court.
Then they go on a double date with Mary Anne and Logan. They go bowling - tres sophisticated, Stacey - and Mary Anne is the only one who can roll the ball straight. Must. Not. Make. Cheap. Gay. Jokes... Logan is humiliated at being shown up by the wimminfolk, and I suspect Mary Anne is going to accidentally walk into a door later tonight. Robert, however, is somehow impressed by this show of natural athleticism and tells her she should try out for the basketball team. Mary Anne does not turn red and want to die, so apparently she's making some progress with her social skills.
This book got really boring in the middle, so apologies for lack of good snark on this chapter. There's just NOTHING to talk about - everything takes place off-camera. Off-page?
Chapter 11:
It's time for the cheerleading tryouts, and Stacey is piss-in-her-pants terrified. The BSC - including Mallory, who apparently got out of mono lockdown long enough to attend - is watching from the bleachers. Stacey starts to psych herself out and the other baby-sitters jump in with advice:
Jessi: "Don't overthink."
Mary Anne: "Sing a song to yourself." (...ooookay...)
Claudia: "Relax."
Kristy: "Do some wind sprints." (The sheer randomness of this makes me laugh.)
Stacey's snarktacular mental response: "Stop thinking, sing, relax, and sprint. Right. No problem." Hee. I really do love it when Stacey gets her snark on.
The tryouts start, Darcy says some shit, it's really boring, but then we get to the 90s clothes. Outstanding.
"The girls began running down the bleachers. They sounded like a herd of elephants. Elephants, however, would never dream of dressing the way some of the girls did. Neon-pattern aerobics suits, French-cut leotards, expensive-looking shorts with button shirts tied at the waist. I was in the middle of a fashion show."
I honestly can't tell if this is more snark or these things are supposed to be trendy or what. I was ten when this book came out, and my school had uniforms. However, we get more Stacey humor next, so I'll stop puzzling over this and move it along.
"A logjam had formed in front of the cheerleaders. Everyone wanted to be in the front row. Girls were standing so close together, they would have knocked each other out if they had had to do a kick.
I guess that would have been one way of making the first cut."
Ha. Cheerleader thunderdome, I fucking love it! (And if you'll excuse me, I'm off to copyright that idea before someone else steals it.)
Anyway, tryouts begin, Stacey makes it through the first cut. We get a few student names: Kathleen Lopez (holy fuck, a Hispanic in Stoneybrook! Who Stacey describes as "Tall, willowy-thin like a model, and stunning. She even looked great giving her cassette to Darcy." Oy, Lerangis, you're really making it hard for me to avoid the cheap gay jokes, aren't you? Also, cassettes. Ah, memories.), Lisa Kedem (such a random surname that I'm wondering if it's a shout-out to someone), Ronnie Gallea (maybe Lerangis just likes unusual names) and Diane Maqnani (yeah, I guess that's what it is). I'm pretty sure none of these girls ever showed up again.
Shockingly, Stacey makes the squad. I told you, this section of the book is pretty dull.
Chapter 12:
Claudia has a sitting job with Talentless Tiffany. In her notebook entry, she manages to spell "forward" right, but misspells Mary Anne as "mary ann" once (gets it right another time) and "know" as "knoe." And she spells "realize" as "realise," but I'm not sure if she's spelling badly or has turned British overnight.
The chapter opens with "Claudia was on a mission To Create An Artist. She had done it once before, with a sitting charge named Rosie Wilder. Rosie had a million talents but was unhappy, and Claudia helped her realize that she loved art more than anything else." Yeah, except she didn't create shit. Rosie already liked art, she just hid it from her parents so they wouldn't suck all the joy out of that like they had with everything else. And she was miserable because everyone hated her for being Little Miss Perfect and she never had any free time, not because her art chakra was blocked or whatever.
Why is this bothering me? I should just be glad that Lerangis got the basic details right. Moving right along...
Claudia is abandoned to her task by a hurried "Tiffany's in the rec room! Enter at your own risk!" as Mrs. Kilbourne drags Maria out the door. She takes the risk and enters the room, only to find a mess so epic, it actually stuns Claudia, Queen of the Pigs. She can't even get the door open because there's a giant easel blocking it. I guess Tiffany decided to try art all on her own. But I'm sure Claudia will take credit for that, too, don't you worry.
There are also cameras and photo albums stacked on the TV set, sports equipment, a cassette recorder and a bunch of tapes on the couch, and the floor is a primordial soup of puzzle pieces, stamps, Polaroids, magazines, books, coins, art supplies and a guitar. Okay, what the hell kind of ADD does Tiffany have that she's trying to do twenty things at once? And why have her parents lether completely take over the rec room with all this crap?
Claudia inquires if these are all hobbies, and Tiffany turns on her like a crocodile with a stick jammed up its butt. Seriously, she all but snarls "Who told you?! Was it Mary Anne" Like, chill, Tiff, it's not like Mary Anne told her you're trying to scrape together five hundred dollars for an abortion. She asks Claudia if she has a hobby, and begins to run down the myriad ways she has failed as a hobbyist:
- Music is easy to listen to (geez, we're dealing with another Claudia here), but it's "real hard to play. I tried playing the guitar, I even read a book about it (well, yeah, what, you thought you'd just pick it up and do it by instinct?). But when I played it, I sounded like a dying cat." Well, yeah, everyone sucks right off the bat. Claudia's response is pretty funny: "When I sing, I sound like a howling dog. Maybe we could do a duet."
- She sucks at painting, drawing and sculpture, and even though Claudia points out that she hasn't given it much of a chance, she says it's also too messy. Fair enough.
- She's tried hitting a tennis ball against the garage door but misses half the time. (Again, practice? I mean, I wouldn't be able to hit the damn thing twice in a row.)
- When she takes pictures, she cuts peoples' heads off. Wow. Okay, that's some pretty epic suck considering the viewfinder is right there. Yeah, it does happen from time to time if you have a shitty or unfamiliar camera, but if you're doing it regularly enough to deter you from photography, you're probably pretty crap at it.
- Birds and horses all look the same to her. (I've been a horse person my whole life and most horse breeds still look alike to me, Tiffany. I wouldn't worry.) Also, horses smell. (Okay, you have me there.)
- Jigsaw puzzles are boring. (Yeah, like I said before, that's...not really a hobby so much as a time-killer.)
- They don't have a piano. (Why on earth not?! They're fucking loaded. Wouldn't people that rich have a piano just in case someone wanted to take it up, figuring it'd look classy? Or do I know particularly trashy rich people? Because that seems a common practice. Hell, I'm sure if Tiffany asked they could rent one for her.)
- She gets sick licking stamps. Okay, that's hilarious. First of all, I don't think you LICK collectable stamps. Second of all...it's called a sponge, kid, look into it.
Tiffany has a meltdown about how she needs a hobby right now that she can win at so she'll be as worthy a human being as her sisters. Claudia apparently didn't get this info from Mary Anne and is like, "I don't think Mary Anne meant to take up a hobby as a weapon to use against your sisters," and Tiffany, still freaking out awesomely, says "She did! Ask her! We can call her up!" I freaking love this kid. Claudia tells her about Janine's super-genius abilities and how she took up art as a way to get away from the house's Janine-worship, but she ended up loving it and being good at it. Moral of the story, do what you like, not what you can win at.
Tiffany chews on this and tells Claudia what she really likes: flowers. She likes looking at them, she likes planting them, she likes caring for them, she likes arranging them, and she likes "drying the petals to make sachets," which...I'm sorry, when did Tiffany turn 70? Regardless, Claudia's relieved that Tiffany actually likes something, even if she doesn't get the appeal herself. STFU, Claudia. Not everyone has to like art.
Tiffany sets to work mapping out her garden plans for the spring and Mrs. Kilbourne comes home. Another great line: "She offered to adopt Claudia. (Jokingly, I think.)"
As we fade out, we see Tiffany and Maria in the yard gesturing at the ground and talking a mile a minute. Yay. Another family in crisis healed by the all-knowing BSC.
Sorry for the lack of good snark, but man, this book gets incredibly dull and action-less in the middle.
Links to earlier chapters, because I'm sure you've forgotten them by now:
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/97743.html
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/99741.html
http://community.livejournal.com/bsc_snark/101835.html