mallory's christmas wish, part one!
the holidays are upon us. and i need a hit of that sweet sweet lerangis, so…a match made in heaven? or…hell? we shall see, my friends, we shall see. in other news, my city has shattered all historical weather records when it comes to snow--or, lack thereof. it's green as fuck around these parts, you guys. the last time we came close to it being this snow-free was 1899, but we shattered the shit outta that record because it still hasn't snowed. so i need some christmasy-holiday shit in my life right about now.
the sad news: my kitty saw her vet yesterday and she's still sick. there was another underlying infection that needs to be dealt with and more tests need to be done when we have money, because he just now realized that one of her kidneys is abnormally tiny and the other is round instead of kidney bean shaped. he thinks this is an indicator that she'll have kidney failure somewhere along the line. so this is seriously crushing shit.
enough of that though, you're here for the snark, not the sad shit!
let us begin with some covers:
the regular cover:
mallory doesn't look so bad here, despite the obvious look of derpy self-conscious concern on her face. i'm assuming that is claire with her, with her giant gaping maw. and hodges inserted himself into the background, which is super lulzy. not much to say.
the UK cover:
is mallory an elf here? mrs. claus? she looks cuter than she usually does in hodges' cover art, i'll give them that.
Chapter One
'it was a cold, snowy night. there was a white circle on the windowpane from the frost. it was the day after thanksgiving. inside the old, crumbling house of the post family, a fire burned. shivering from frigidity, the heat was not enough for the seven post children huddled around.'
mallory is writing a story. and i see she is still insisting that all FICTION must be based on a writer's real life. mallory, mallory, mallory…sometimes you take the advice to "write what you know" a little too much to heart…but you know mallory, she's
literally too legit to quit!
'little did they know that outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes was looking in.'
is this a christmas horror story? or are there only seven post children because mallory is inserting herself into the story as some version of the little match girl, on the outside looking in? i don't. under. stand.
'"mallory, what's friddiggity?" asked my sister margo.'
that sounds more like something that dumbshit claire would ask. but i'll roll with it because "friddiggity" is a funny fucking word. after putting up with ellen miles and beecham and hilgartner before her, i will take it. sweet lord lerangis, i have missed you.
mallory says, "huh?" she didn't know that one of her little shitstain siblings was hanging over her shoulder reading as she wrote. i guess she was in "the zone." either that, or she's grown accustomed to ignoring her siblings to the point of willing them out of existence unless they get right in her face and start blabbering stupid shit.
claire makes a stupid as well, saying "frid diggity dog!" and then collapsing on the floor in giggles, as she is wont to do. fucking claire, man. fucking claire and margo. i just can't with them.
nicky and jordan race into the room at the sound of their youngest sister's shrill giggling, which i imagine could shatter glass, and ask what's so damned funny, because they want in on this shit.
mallory admonishes margo, saying, "i thought you were cutting out snowflakes, not spying." and jordan is a super douchebag extraordinaire and snarks, "did she need to ask permission, your highness?" well, YEAH, you preteen dickbag. i fucking HATE it when people read over my shoulder when i'm trying to write. it makes me sixteen thousand shades of angry. that shit is private until i'm damned well ready for it to be read.
margo apologizes to mallory and claire keeps the good times rolling in the background, squealing like a pig going to the slaughter, "dig miggidy mob!" and nicky demands to know what in the world is so funny. clearly NOTHING, nicky, it's just your brain damaged baby sister spouting off her usual brand of verbal diarrhea. nothing to see here, kids, move along! adam is also a douchebag and calls out, "your face." from the kitchen. are the pike children really so damned loud that they can hear each other all over the house? wait a minute, why am i asking? i KNOW they are.
big families tend to be loud families, at least they are in my personal experience. with so many kids, you learn that you need to be loud as fuck to be heard or even noticed. which is why i am still pretty damned loud, especially when i get going or think i'm saying something funny. yup, i still think i need to be loud to be heard, even if it's just me and my husband in the room. this is a very annoying trait i'm trying to control. i never really learned to control the volume of my voice. i'm either too quiet or way too damned loud. there were five kids in my family. i imagine mallory's family is even louder than mine was, with eight kids. they probably scream everything they say, perhaps without even realizing it.
adam and byron howl with laughter. nothing tickles the triplets more than viciously mocking their younger siblings, especially nicky. bullying that kid is like a drug to them.
mr. pike calls that it's time for dinner and nicky runs into the kitchen whining, "daaaaaaad, they're teasing me again!" since he's running into the kitchen, i have to assume that that is where his father is. which means that mr. pike knows that nicky is being teased, but is choosing to ignore it. mr. pike = worst father in stoneybrook.
mallory puts away her notebook and rounds up the troops, starting with vanessa, who was also writing. i guess margo knew that she would be forced to hear whatever "poem" vanessa was writing, whether she wanted to or not, so that's why she wasn't bothering to spy over her shoulder. vanessa says she needs a minute, she's trying to figure out what rhymes with "reindeer." GOOD FUCKING LUCK, KID.
mallory wanders off into the kitchen with margo, who announces to the family at large that she wants "friddiggity" for dessert. mrs. pike is slow as hell and hasn't learned the art of being able to tell when her progeny are fucking with her. if she ever bothered to parent her children, she'd know this kind of shit by now. anyway, she asks what friddiggity is, to which claire replies, "dog diggity fridge." and mr. pike, being so stupid that i realize it's no wonder these children are dumb as shit, now the pike family brain trust has been revealed, freaks out, "the dog's in the fridge?"
but not happy rainbows, you guys, satan's rainbow farts.
byron falls out of his chair due to the force of his own hysterical laughter. adam decides to fuck with his father by opening the fridge and gasping, "pow's frozen solid!" claire believes him and turns, according to mallory, 'bone-white.'
mallory asks us, 'do you live in a monkey house? i do. my life story will be called mallory and the seven simian siblings. (isn't simian great word? it's means "of or relating to monkeys.") i, mallory pike, am eldest monkey.'
this "monkey house"/"monkey siblings" shtick will last the majority of the book, just thought i'd warn you now.
she info dumps her life story, as well as her dreams for the future--that 'on the day you see me accepting a newbery medal, i will have clear blue eyes and perfect teeth. and maybe my red hair will be less unruly.' here's hoping, mallory, here's hoping.
she tells us how insanely and selectively strict her parents are. selectively in that the only child in the pike house who has to abide by any rules whatsoever, is mallory herself. she guesses, correctly, i'm sure, that by the time claire is eleven, she'll have 'an apartment of her own, a personal butler, and a salary.'
the triplets continue to snicker at claire's obvious distress over the dog. and honestly, i'm surprised none of them has ever expressed any distress over the fact that one day, they had a cat (named "sarge," i believe? i could be 100% wrong about that. lemme know, guys!) and then the next day, this cat vanished into thin air, never to be spoken of again. i'm distressed by that, damn it! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KITTY?!?!?
ahh, i see, hiding in wait. ready to attack at a moment's notice. what a relief!
so claire looks for pow, to make sure he's still alive and unfrozen, while margo and mallory get out the silver wear from a drawer by the stove, which apparently mr. pike refers to as "the armament"? since when? nicky asks what stinks and it's LAMB STEW. oh god. oh god. lamb makes me freak out so hard. my paternal grandmother once fed me and my sisters lamb, then asked us how we liked it. we said it was good, because honestly, that lamb was fucking delicious. it was only AFTER we ate it and she got our praise that she told us it was LAMB. i almost threw up. i will NEVER eat lamb again. that was kind of mildly traumatizing as a child, "i ate a baby sheep…!!!!!!!!!"
byron looks horrified at the thought of lamb stew. i'm with you bro! i guess stew is only acceptable in the pike house if it's of the "daddy stew" variety. vanessa wanders into the kitchen reciting, "lamb stew, lamb stew, start with some herbs, then come up the ewe." mallory says, "that's disgusting." claire asks what a ewe is, vanessa tells her it's a female lamb, to which margo responds with a loud "ewwwwwww!" vanessa says "exactly."
and this is basically just another day in the pike household, with peter lerangis at the helm. merry christmas! and lerangis bless us, everyone!
oh wow, and it's not even over yet.
jordan bitches that lamb stew isn't christmasy enough, "we're supposed to do christmasy stuff, remember?" so ma pike raises a spock eyebrow and asks what he considers a christmasy dinner. he answers "turkey." margo says, "goose" and adam honks, because, why wouldn't he? claire suggests gingerbread men and mallory has to be all PC and faux-feminist, correcting her sister, "people." claire busts a nut laughing, telling mallory that, "silly, we're not canimals." oh sweet jesus. mallory tells her, "i meant gingerbread people. not just gingerbread men. and it's cannibals."
dee the dumb looks at them like she's only just realized that she lives on a funny farm and asks what the fuck they're talking about. vanessa suggests making figgy pudding. no one answers dee the dumb. nicky wants to know what figgy pudding is, so vanessa starts singing "we wish you a merry christmas" to explain where she got this outlandish notion of figgy pudding.
'i told you our house is crazy.
okay, i have to admit, part of it was my fault. i had dreamed up a master plan for the christmas season, and everyone was contributing to it.'
she tells us that the idea had hit her when she and jessi were playing. no, not horsies, this time they were pretending that they were not only sisters, but french refugees, visiting london for the first time. mallory was jezebel cassoulet, and jessi was daphne. jezebel, huh? i'll just…leave that one alone…
they were walking down main street, pretending that it was london. i doubt that stoneybrook is anything like london, but whatever. i'm not going to knock a couple of children playing pretend. the stores were already done up for christmas, decked out with all their holiday displays. 'a snow flurry was falling, and a santa on the corner was ringing a bell for charity. the street looked like a quaint village in nineteenth-century england, if you squinted and tried to ignore the neon signs, electrical wires, and cars.' hey mallory, if you guys have a couple of drinks, i'm sure it would help. beer goggles would probably go a long way to making this seem even remotely possible. or perhaps some acid. you'd need to be super hallucinating to pull this off. people in this town treat you kids like adults anyway, i'm sure you could convince someone to sell you some booze or a couple hits of acid. just flash your baby-sitter's club age of majority card or something.
'daphne and i linked arms to protect each other from the rough climate and the gruff people with their off* accents. perhaps we would find a kind stranger who would welcome us with the hospitality and cheer of the season--
"preholiday countdown!" a voice blared over a loudspeaker. "open a charge account and receive a free gift while supplies last. for all your holiday needs, whatley's is the spirit of shopping. remember, christmas and hanukkah are us!"'
imaginary nineteeth-century england RUINED! it's impossible to play the cassoulet sisters now. guess they'll just have to play horsey again.
*at least that's the word used in the ebook. for all i know, she said "rough accents."
'my eyes unsquinted. after the voice stopped, the loudspeaker began playing a tinny version of "jingle bell rock." two kids skateboarded around us, yelling, "yo! heads up!" a car horn rang out in the street as someone made a sudden u-turn. outside whatley's a little boy was throwing a tantrum, shooting his mom with a plastic gun.
so much for nineteenth-century england.'
like i said. go play horsey now.
this chapter is LONG, man. get to the point! i'm already on page 17 of a 292 page ebook, and it's only the first chapter, damn it!
they stop playing jezebel and daphne and look in the window of whatley's, condemning their display as "corny" (jessi) and "stupid" (mallory.) jessi asks if mallory has started her christmas shopping yet. but nope, she hasn't. turns out jessi hasn't either. there is a sign in the corner of the display that states there is only "FOUR MORE SHOPPING WEEKS" until christmas. mallory starts freaking out. buying gifts for a big family is HARD, yo!
'do you know what it's like to shop for nine family members? keeping track of what they want is impossible. was nicky too old for action figures? which video game did the triplets already have? what book had vanessa told me wanted?
suddenly the holiday season felt about as much fun as a math exam.
i was supposed to feel happy. i was supposed to be filled with the spirit of giving. which was different from the "spirit of shopping," whatever that meant.
that's when i had my idea. it went off in my head like fireworks.'
mallory's idea? to have an old fashioned christmas, or "old-style" as she puts it. nothing commercial or artificial. handmade gifts, handmade wrapping paper, special holiday meals, and a stockpile of fire wood for their fireplace. and, of course, a 'real' christmas tree 'strung with cranberries, popcorn and homemade ornaments.'
she gets shivers just thinking about it. this may be the first book i've snarked when i get to use the 'over use of shivering' tag! oh happy days!
she brings the idea up at a family meeting that that. her siblings are all for it, but her parents exchange "we'll discuss this" looks. it takes them until the next day to agree to go through with "operation old-fashioned christmas." which is why on saturday they are eating lamb stew instead of "daddy stew." and the kids are STILL bitching. ma and pa pike explain that there are ninety meals to cook between now and christmas and "not all of them could be strictly christmasy." nicky bitches and pouts that they could "at least give us something green and red." so pa pike the stupid suggests dying the mashed potatoes. dee the dumb says NO WAY IN HELL, but compromises by serving mint jelly and cranberry sauce. i gag.
OH MY GOD THE CHAPTER STILL ISN'T OVER.
godawful ape chapter, i have only two words for you:
dinner = chaos. claire suggests hiring bert the chimney sweep from mary poppins to sweep the chimney for santa. durrrrr? vanessa says they have to do everything "super old-fashioned" which to her means using candles instead of lights. margo one-ups her, suggesting "a horse and carriage instead of our car." GOOD LUCK, IDIOT. nicky doesn't know what "old-fashioned" actually means and suggests a laser lightshow on the lawn. dumb dad pike ROFL at his youngest son, saying, "just like the olden days." mallory suggests having a open house on christmas day for the neighbours. ma and pa dumbdumb smarten up enough to nix that craziness.
mallory suggests a compromise of her own, inviting uncle joe. ma and pa asshole give each other Looks. mallory tells us about uncle joe and his alzheimer's and how he "isn't the easiest person to be around." DUDE, NOT HIS FAULT. dumb dad pike says he'll call him, but "don't count on his saying yes. you know how he is." shut. the. fuck. up. leave the poor old man alone!
after dinner they go off to do their christmas projects and we are told what those are, but i don't care enough after this excessively long chapter to record it all and i'm sure no one else cares either.
mallory continues to work on her story. 'i decided it was awful. "inside the old, crumbling house of the post family, a fire burned"? that sounded as if the house were on fire.
i changed it.
"shivering from the frigidity, the heat was not enough for the post children huddled around"? well, "frigidity" had to go, after the way everyone made fun of it. not to mention that i'd made it sound as if the heat were shivering. also i hadn't said exactly what the children were huddled around.
i changed all of that, too.'
she scraps her story, for the most part. continuing on that "outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes were looking in," made her think of 'two eyeballs floating around in the snow.' LOL.
she tells us that 'writing's fun, but you have to watch yourself.' oh, peter lerangis, as if YOU ever do? never change, lerangis, never, ever change.
vanessa figures out how to rhyme reindeer in the mean time and it's fucking AWFUL. '"santa claus put on his coat and bandaged up his sprained ear; then he jumped into his sled and called out to his reindeer."
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD FOR YOU TOO, VANESSA. that SUCKS.
when mallory questions the whole "sprained ear" nonsense, vanessa says it's from "listening to too many squeaky little elf voices." yeah, that doesn't sound like improbable bullshit at ALL, vanessa. you just keep up the hard work.
dumb dad pike comes in to tell mallory that he talked to uncle joe, who he claims is "full of excuses." because mr. pike is sensitive. super, super sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. these "excuses" include a fund-raiser/holiday boutique that the manor is having over the holidays, to raise money for a new wing. wow, they must be expecting to make a SHIT TON of money if they think they'll get enough to build a whole new wing for the manor. jesus.
mallory asks if uncle joe is involved. she tells us that she is SHOCKED! shocked! i tell you! because 'knowing uncle joe, he'd want to be as far away from a big crowd scene* as possible.' super sensitive douchebag dad LAUGHS and says, "no. he's nervous about it, though. thinks there'll be too many strangers wandering around, making noise. so he wants to hibernate and see no one until it's over. problem is, it lasts five days. i told him we were just having a family gathering, nobody else. i think that's what made him agree."
*btw, mallory, i think your entire family would count as a 'big crowd scene.' which is probably why uncle joe has such a hard time being around all of you.
i guess uncle joe is hedging his bets on the devil he knows right now. his family may be loud as fuck, totally inconsiderate, and a pile of monkey rectums, but he pretty much knows what to expect. and he's hoping they won't be quite as disturbing and upsetting to be around as a manor filled with strangers and loud noises. something along those lines. or he just wanted to get his nephew off the phone. if i were talking to mr. pike and he were harassing me about something, i'd just be like, "yeah, yeah, whatever. god, FINE!" but then make up an excuse later on. because mr. pike is a dooouuuuchhecanuuuuuuuee.
chapter mercifully ends with mallory and vanessa cheering and mallory telling us, 'boy, did i feel great. christmas was falling into place.
christmas the way it should be.'
lololol. enjoy that delusion while it lasts, mallory!
Chapter Two
oh for chrissake….the obligatory chapter two.
jessica is asking what a "tizzy" is and claudia is talking with her god damned mouth full, AGAIN! she tells jessi that a tizzy is "isashoka" for serious, claudia? do you NEVER SWALLOW before SPEAKING? damn, i wonder how many of us readers unconsciously picked up horrific manners from reading these books? i, personally, interrupt people and cut them off quite a bit when they're talking, much like these bitches do. though, it could be my ADD. i try not to talk with my fucking mouth full, though, CLAUDIA. especially not with a mouth so packed with food that nothing i say makes any sense! SWALLOW YOUR FOOD CLAUDIA.
oh, stacey's on it, which is good, because as i've said, moronic book characters NEVER listen to me, no matter how loud i yell at them! stacey says, "swallow, please." and abby mumbles, "i don't know her," while grimacing at claudia. i like to think this is lerangis' way of pointing out just how disgusting this behaviour is. yep, it's finally gotten to the point where even her friends are calling her out on how uncouth she's is. but then, took them long enough, considering they tear one another down for anything and everything.
claudia swallows and repeats herself, sans food, "it's a kind of old car."
but kristy corrects her, because she MUST or the universe will explode. and well, also because claudia is wrong: "that's a tin lizzy."
abby suggests that a tizzy could be "a contraption."
'"contraction," stacey mcgill said.
"exactly," abby shot back. "just testing you."'
mary anne giggles that it sounds like a quiz show. i raise a spock-brow at her. mallory decides now is the perfect time to exorcist-spew all the chapter two facts/her friend's entire life stories. as long as it gets me away from this weird-ass simpleminded argument your friends are having, i'll take it. but just so you know, mal, i will be skimming. your lives just aren't that damned interesting. especially after having it regurgitated in my face hundreds of damned times. thnx.
i will however, make note of anything particularly out there or insane. this is a lerangis, after all, so ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
like this, right here: mallory straight up lies in the first paragraph explaining the meetings: 'during that time we take phone calls from local clients*, it's like one big pyjama party. we have the best time.'
the BEST TIME? really? one big pyjama party? i've never been to one, so someone will have to enlighten me: are pyjama parties usually excuses to shame and berate your so-called "friends"?
mallory,
i'm in no mood for lies, right now.
*i'm guessing that says "local clients", in the ebook it says they take calls from "local calls" so that's definitely not right.
this "tizzy" nonsense came up because she had told her friends about the fund raiser at the stoneybrook manor, and how her uncle joe had said the residents were "in a tizzy." and not one single BSC member other than mallory knew what that meant. considering how hopelessly stuck in the past the entire town is, i'm surprised the other girls have never heard this term before. i guess not many people were "in a tizzy" in the 1950s?
mallory explains that it means, "going crazy, being excited." she also tells them uncle joe says the other residents are running around "like thirty-five year olds" and claudia gets confuzzle-faced and asks, "is that supposed to be young?" FUCK YOU CLAUDIA. i'll be thirty-five in two years, and i don't need any preteen upstart book characters making me feel old before my time!
jessi says they should hire kristy.
stacey says she'd give them all heart attacks. which is incredibly sensitive, considering watson has already had his heart attack by this point, no? yes. i just checked. his heart attack was in book 81. only 11 books ago. wow, stacey. that's fucking cruel, even for you. i'm surprised kristy didn't murder her herself, right the and there and then force the other club members to eat her remains. if i were kristy, at the very least i would've probably backhanded stacey out of sheer rage.
but no, kristy just informs them that she's "very gentle and loveable with old people." to which abby snarks, "it's just the young ones she drives crazy." kristy fires back with, "perhaps we should review our policy regarding new members." claudia tries to soften the blow with sugar.
kristy decides they should help with the fund raiser/boutique and starts running off a list of everything they could do/provide to help. so now mallory can explain kristy-thomas-the-idea-machine to us and really get started on the stupid info dump.
now to the skimming:
ew, this is gross: 'kristy has ideas the way other eighth-graders have pimples: in bunches. unlike pimples, though, most of her ideas are pretty terrific. that's why we listen, even when she's being a pain.'
mallory admits that kristy runs the meetings with "an iron fist." thank you, mallory, it's about time someone admitted it.
kristy is an inch shorter than mallory. she is five feet tall and mallory is five one. mallory likes this fact, because she says it's bad enough she and jessi are two years younger than the other club members and that their parents treat them like the children that they are, but 'being taller than kristy is kind of nice. i will never, however, be richer than kristy.' blah blah, real live millionaire.
intermission from info dump, wherein stacey announces that it's dues day, claudia realizes she's been hoarding, and then forgetting, chocolate coins in her pants pocket. said chocolate coins have now melted and she has chocolate all over her hand. phone rings, she answers, gets melted chocolate all over receiver. this leads to claudia's life story.
claudia's idea of grains, protein, vegetables and fruit is: 'potato chips, a chunkie, carrot cake and a banana split.' we get claudia's very, very unscientific theory of how she 'stays so thin', the kishi-scientific-ener-joy theory: 'if you eat what you like, you become happy, and the energy from your joy burns off calories.' dear god, do i ever wish claudia's theory was actually correct!
mallory claims the closest thing the BSC has to a genius is stacey. after snarking 'stacey and the mystery money', it is even more apparent that they are really scraping the bottom of the barrel when they claim that stacey is even close to being a genius. never mind the claim that her being able to do basic math apparently makes her a "math whiz."
i don't know if this fuck up is in the actual book or just the ebook, but it made me laugh anyway. on stacey being a child of divorced parents: 'being a divorced kid makes her sad sometimes. she feels pulled apart, trying to please both kids.' HAHA, yeah, stacey's parents really DO behave like fucking children most of the time.
robert's knowing stacey's eating schedule "to the minute" is apparently "considerate" and not even the littlest bit overly involved. if that relationship had lasted, i'm sure it wouldn't have gotten any more co-dependent than it already was…right?
mary anne is such a wet blanket crybaby that 'if you invite her to your house to watch a sad movie, you'd better provide lots of tissues. either that or plastic slipcovers for your couch.' LOL. i love you lerangis!
mallory mentions abby's "if the BSC were a car" line, but it's boring compared to some of the other gems this info dump has had to offer. still, i'll provide it just in case anyone cares: '"if the BSC were a car, kristy would be the headlights, claudia would be the chassis, stacey would be the gas gauge, and mary anne would be the engine." (when kristy asked, "what would you be?" abby replied, "the bumper.")'
this leads to abby's life history. and how mallory thinks that kristy is "a little jealous" of abby. no doubt, mallory, no doubt.
mallory claims that she and jessi are the most important members of the club, 'well, we're definitely the unsung heroes.' no, you're the work horses, but then, you love horses, right? so i guess you won't mind that comparison.
info dump over.
kristy wants to have a club holiday party.
the chapter ends with mallory tellings us that 'everyone began speaking at once. i loved the idea. a cosy family christmas and a BSC holiday party? what could be better? this was going to be the warmest, happiest december ever. i just knew it.'
no,it's going to be 'Christmas: Fail Hard, with a Vengeance.' you just don't know it yet.
Chapter Three
the pike family of monstrosities is recording their own versions of christmas songs, 'the twelve days of christmas' in particular. they're making shit up as they go along, like "twelve velociraptor eggs". this is unbearably lame and dull. when they're done they fall all over themselves laughing and high fiving. they're about to replay it for themselves for extra gigs when the door bell rings. ruh roh! mama pike cracks that it's "the christmas carol police, coming to arrest us." and claire takes her seriously. maybe people shouldn't joke in front of this child. she's not exactly perkins levels of intelligence. she isn't even jamie newton levels of intelligence. she's one of the slowest children in the 'brook.
so who is at the pike's door? it's doc hollywood!
'a man stood on the porch. the first thing i noticed about him was his tan. you don't see too many tanned people in stoneybrook at this time of the year. the second thing i noticed was his smile, huge and warm and comfortable, as if he knew us.'
'"mrs. pike?" he said.
"yes," my mom answered.
"is it the policeman?" claire asked shakily.'
oh for fuck sake. someone get this kid a helmet. something tells me she won't make it to the age of six without one.
'the man laughed loudly. "no! oh, indeed no. my name is chad henry. i'm a producer/director for channel three tv, and i wanted to congratulate you in person. you've been selected from hundreds of contestants--"
vanessa came running to the door. she looked about ready to levitate. "the old fashioned christmas contest?" she blurted out.
"that's right," mr. henry said. "are you vanessa?"'
see, somehow a nine year old was able to enter a huge contest without the permission of her parents. aaaaand, she won. because this is a baby-sitters club book.
mama pike wants to know wtf this is all about.
'"didn't you see the commercial?" vanessa cried. "you had to write a letter about the way your family was going to spend christmas. and mallory was saying how we had to have this old-style christmas and all, so i entered us. i figured we'd be perfect."
"your entry was sensational, vanessa," mr. henry said. "i have to compliment you, mrs. pike. what a family. eight children--and such a strong sense of closeness and traditional american values. warmth, generosity, wholesomeness…"'
uh…you're talking about THIS pike family, right? methinks you don't know shit, sir.
mr. henry is searching for another word but mama pike/june shannon (honey boo boo's mother, another horror of a parent) cuts to the chase. "what exactly does this contest entail? do we have to buy anything?" cuz lord knows, she don't want to have to spend a cent, especially if her kids are involved. remember, mallory has to buy her own socks at the age of eleven, for fuck sake. SOCKS. she has to buy her own fucking SOCKS.
'mr. henry chuckled and reached into his jacket pocket. "oh the contrary, mrs. pike." we gathered around as mr. henry pulled out an envelope and removed a check from it. i thought my jaw was going to hit the floor as i read it.'
geez, it must be a check for 'pretty much money' then!
'"ten thousand dollars?" my mom said.
"yyyyyyesss!" vanessa shouted.
"we're rich!" screamed byron.'
eh, not so much. but it is pretty much money. *shoots self* i could do with a cool ten g's right about now, then i wouldn't have to worry about my cat's medical bills.
the kids are losing their ever-loving shit and mallory feels weak. she internally monologues that, 'i wanted to hug vanessa. i wanted to take back every mean thing i'd ever said to her.
i figured i'd wait until mr. henry left. until we had the winning check in our house.'
but just wait, mallory. there's more to this than meets the eye. there is quite the gigundoly huge catch.
'mr. henry unfolded some long, stapled-together papers, crowded with small type. "of course, we'll need your authorization before we can start shooting," he said.
claire gasped. "he is a policeman!"
"no that kind of shooting," vanessa said. "he means with tv cameras."
"in our house?" byron asked.'
karen is gonna be so jelly if she ever finds out. if she did find out, i'm sure she'd pretend to be friends with margo again, just so she could get on tv. we all know how she lost her shit around derek, thinking she could get her big break from hanging out around him.
'"if your mom consents," mr. henry said. "you see, mrs. pike, i'm putting together a regular feature called 'family first,' for our popular values americanstyle show. by signing this contract, you become the focus of our gala winter special, to be broadcast a year from now. over this holiday season, we will become part of your family, as it were. we'll videotape your old-fashioned christmas preparations and let you share the joy with the entire southern connecticut community."'
it shall be called 'here comes silly billy goo goo!' and focus on claire's tragic mess of a family after she was spotted at the little miss stoneybrook pageant! this dude ain't being up front. well, i'm sure "channel three"/TLC never really is, right?
'mom looked at the contract. "total access to the house?" she read aloud.
"only while you're here, of course," mr. henry said with a laugh. "we also may accompany you on christmas-related outings. of course, we'll keep equipment and personnel down to a minimum. we have no intention of diminishing your holiday enjoyment. after all, that would be counterproductive, wouldn't it?"
adam nodded. "yeah."
"what'd he say?" nicky asked.
"i don't know," adam murmured.'
good thing they don't need adam's consent! but then, mama and papa pike's consent is probably just as fucking bad.
if claire weren't currently still convinced that mr. henry is a cop in disguise and incapable of speech, i'm sure her response to all of this hullaballoo would be something along the lines of, "a dolla make me holla silly billy goo goo child!"
claire pike:
mrs. pike is uncertain about this proposal. she's probably worried that if her family's daily life were presented on television, people would see how mistreated mallory is and call child protective services on her and mr. pike and they would lose their child-slave.
'mom sighed. "let me hold on to this, mr. henry. we need to talk this out at a family meeting before we make any decisions."
"i respect that absolutely," mr. henry said. he folded up the check, put it back in his pocket, and took out a business card. "call me either at my office or my home when you've made up your mind. i look forward to working with you. bye, vanessa! bye, brothers and sisters! i hope to get to know you all personally."'
it's as if he knows they won't refuse, or something. doc hollywood, you a creepy motherfucker.
mallory tells us that before mr. henry was even out of earshot, the entire band of apes went batshit, screaming: "we're stars!" "waaaah-hoooo!" "where's the check?" "are we going to move to a palace?" "are we millionaires?" "no, silly, thousandaires!" "you're going to sign, right, mom?" "mom?" "mom?" but mrs. pike just shakes her head and tells them it will be discussed after dinner.
but of course the apes can't wait THAT long, so they spend the next few hours talking about nothing else! adam and byron argue about whether they should buy a ferrari or a porsche, which is funny, because there was a silver porsche parked outside my building not twenty minutes ago. there was some sort of work related holiday shindig happening across the street at the over-priced restaurant with the shitty food, so the parking lot was filled to capacity. when that happens during the weeks leading up to the holidays, the leftover cars park right in front of my building and annoy me. the porsche was pretty sweet though and i'm not typically a porsche girl. i'm more into vintage cars. anyway, that was completely off topic, but then, the pikes are being annoying, so…*SHRUGS FOREVER!*
margo and claire have created a butler named grimsby for a new imaginary friend, well, servant. they are trying to practice getting used to having someone other than mallory as the family slave. since they're "thousandaires" now and all. nicky has decided that vanessa has a midas touch when it comes to contests, so he's pulling out stacks of magazines and comic books and is demanding that she enter every single contest.
how is mallory reacting?
'i wasn't sure how i felt about being on tv, but the money was definitely cool. i knew our family needed it. awhile back my dad lost his job and was out of work for a few months.* we ended up spending all our savings before he found another job. things are better now, but they've never been quite the same as before+. mom and dad didn't make a big deal about it, but i knew how nervous they'd been about money.'
*i thought it was more like a few weeks? i certainly don't remember mr. pike being off work for MONTHS.
+what has changed? you guys still rent an entire HOUSE in sea city "every year"--more like multiple times in the same year as the seasons repeat on an infinite loop yet the years never actually ever go by.--nothing seems to have actually changed. whatever.
mallory tries not to talk about the contest with her mother while she helps her prepare dinner--i bet mallory is making the dinner and mother of the year over there is just barking orders and directions, like the harpy from hell that she is. her ape siblings don't take her lead and shut their damned mouths, though. nope, they keep blabbing about being "thousandaires" and "stars" i'm sure. the mother from hell tells them they'll discuss it after dinner "about a million times" by mallory's count. but the apes can't last until after dinner.
'the moment dad arrived home from work, he was mobbed by monkeys. in the interest of family peace, he and mom decided to postpone the meal and call an early family meeting.'
well, that's because mr. and mrs. pike can't control their kids. they don't even try anymore. i bet if they'd called kristy, she would've shut that shit down until after dinner, and that's a sad fucking fact.
they gather around the dining room table and tell papa-the-worst about what happened while he examines the contract like the lawyer that he is. of course, being a lawyer probably won't stop him from making a stupid fucking decision. well, i know it won't.
what does lawyer-dad have to say?
'"well, i see some red flags in terms and indemnity and privacy issues," said dad. (or something like that. he's a lawyer.)
"i don't see flags," claire said, peering over his shoulder.
nicky looked ready to cry. "does that mean we can't do it?"
"i didn't say that," dad replied. "but we have to be cautious. think of all the people that'll be in our house."'
so lemme get this shit straight. mr. lawyer extraordinaire sees multiple red flags in the contract. his lawyer side is telling him this is a bad fucking move. but his irresponsible, money-hungry, probable fame-whore side, is saying "YEAH BITCHES!!! MONEY! FAME! LET'S DO IT!!!"
'"we always have a lot of people in the house," adam insisted.
"camera people all over the living room…" mom said.
"yyyyyyyyyes!" jordan exclaimed.
"following us while we shop…" dad conjectured.
byron was starry-eyed. "we'll give out autographs!"
mom started laughing. dad tried to keep a straight face, but that didn't last long. "well," dad said with a sigh. "we certainly can use the money to put toward your educations."'
something tells me the ape children are not going to like that plan at all!
aaaaand, they don't!:
'"educations?" adam blurted out.
"what about a car?" adam blurted out.*
"or a new house?" margo asked.
dad crossed his arms. "look. if we do this, it is with the understanding that your mother and i have final fiduciary responsibility."'
that sentence, coupled with the word "fiduciary" coming out of mr. pike's mouth, translates into "your mother and i have final douche responsibility" because they are douches. massive douches. at least, that's how MY mind translates it.
*i doubt it says "adam blurted out" twice in a row, but that's what the ebook says, so whatever.
'we stared at him blankly.
"in other words," mom explained, "we'll give it a try, but leave the money matters to us."'
BRAVO MR. AND MRS. PIKE.
BRAV-FUCKING-O.
yep. they are actually fucking agreeing to this shit, red flags and all.
just like responsible parents would!
the chapter ends on this: 'well, i don't need to tell you what the response to that was.
the joyful noise nearly shattered our windows.'
this book:
a gigantic pile of shit.
the sad news: my kitty saw her vet yesterday and she's still sick. there was another underlying infection that needs to be dealt with and more tests need to be done when we have money, because he just now realized that one of her kidneys is abnormally tiny and the other is round instead of kidney bean shaped. he thinks this is an indicator that she'll have kidney failure somewhere along the line. so this is seriously crushing shit.
enough of that though, you're here for the snark, not the sad shit!
let us begin with some covers:
the regular cover:
mallory doesn't look so bad here, despite the obvious look of derpy self-conscious concern on her face. i'm assuming that is claire with her, with her giant gaping maw. and hodges inserted himself into the background, which is super lulzy. not much to say.
the UK cover:
is mallory an elf here? mrs. claus? she looks cuter than she usually does in hodges' cover art, i'll give them that.
Chapter One
'it was a cold, snowy night. there was a white circle on the windowpane from the frost. it was the day after thanksgiving. inside the old, crumbling house of the post family, a fire burned. shivering from frigidity, the heat was not enough for the seven post children huddled around.'
mallory is writing a story. and i see she is still insisting that all FICTION must be based on a writer's real life. mallory, mallory, mallory…sometimes you take the advice to "write what you know" a little too much to heart…but you know mallory, she's
literally too legit to quit!
'little did they know that outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes was looking in.'
is this a christmas horror story? or are there only seven post children because mallory is inserting herself into the story as some version of the little match girl, on the outside looking in? i don't. under. stand.
'"mallory, what's friddiggity?" asked my sister margo.'
that sounds more like something that dumbshit claire would ask. but i'll roll with it because "friddiggity" is a funny fucking word. after putting up with ellen miles and beecham and hilgartner before her, i will take it. sweet lord lerangis, i have missed you.
mallory says, "huh?" she didn't know that one of her little shitstain siblings was hanging over her shoulder reading as she wrote. i guess she was in "the zone." either that, or she's grown accustomed to ignoring her siblings to the point of willing them out of existence unless they get right in her face and start blabbering stupid shit.
claire makes a stupid as well, saying "frid diggity dog!" and then collapsing on the floor in giggles, as she is wont to do. fucking claire, man. fucking claire and margo. i just can't with them.
nicky and jordan race into the room at the sound of their youngest sister's shrill giggling, which i imagine could shatter glass, and ask what's so damned funny, because they want in on this shit.
mallory admonishes margo, saying, "i thought you were cutting out snowflakes, not spying." and jordan is a super douchebag extraordinaire and snarks, "did she need to ask permission, your highness?" well, YEAH, you preteen dickbag. i fucking HATE it when people read over my shoulder when i'm trying to write. it makes me sixteen thousand shades of angry. that shit is private until i'm damned well ready for it to be read.
margo apologizes to mallory and claire keeps the good times rolling in the background, squealing like a pig going to the slaughter, "dig miggidy mob!" and nicky demands to know what in the world is so funny. clearly NOTHING, nicky, it's just your brain damaged baby sister spouting off her usual brand of verbal diarrhea. nothing to see here, kids, move along! adam is also a douchebag and calls out, "your face." from the kitchen. are the pike children really so damned loud that they can hear each other all over the house? wait a minute, why am i asking? i KNOW they are.
big families tend to be loud families, at least they are in my personal experience. with so many kids, you learn that you need to be loud as fuck to be heard or even noticed. which is why i am still pretty damned loud, especially when i get going or think i'm saying something funny. yup, i still think i need to be loud to be heard, even if it's just me and my husband in the room. this is a very annoying trait i'm trying to control. i never really learned to control the volume of my voice. i'm either too quiet or way too damned loud. there were five kids in my family. i imagine mallory's family is even louder than mine was, with eight kids. they probably scream everything they say, perhaps without even realizing it.
adam and byron howl with laughter. nothing tickles the triplets more than viciously mocking their younger siblings, especially nicky. bullying that kid is like a drug to them.
mr. pike calls that it's time for dinner and nicky runs into the kitchen whining, "daaaaaaad, they're teasing me again!" since he's running into the kitchen, i have to assume that that is where his father is. which means that mr. pike knows that nicky is being teased, but is choosing to ignore it. mr. pike = worst father in stoneybrook.
mallory puts away her notebook and rounds up the troops, starting with vanessa, who was also writing. i guess margo knew that she would be forced to hear whatever "poem" vanessa was writing, whether she wanted to or not, so that's why she wasn't bothering to spy over her shoulder. vanessa says she needs a minute, she's trying to figure out what rhymes with "reindeer." GOOD FUCKING LUCK, KID.
mallory wanders off into the kitchen with margo, who announces to the family at large that she wants "friddiggity" for dessert. mrs. pike is slow as hell and hasn't learned the art of being able to tell when her progeny are fucking with her. if she ever bothered to parent her children, she'd know this kind of shit by now. anyway, she asks what friddiggity is, to which claire replies, "dog diggity fridge." and mr. pike, being so stupid that i realize it's no wonder these children are dumb as shit, now the pike family brain trust has been revealed, freaks out, "the dog's in the fridge?"
but not happy rainbows, you guys, satan's rainbow farts.
byron falls out of his chair due to the force of his own hysterical laughter. adam decides to fuck with his father by opening the fridge and gasping, "pow's frozen solid!" claire believes him and turns, according to mallory, 'bone-white.'
mallory asks us, 'do you live in a monkey house? i do. my life story will be called mallory and the seven simian siblings. (isn't simian great word? it's means "of or relating to monkeys.") i, mallory pike, am eldest monkey.'
this "monkey house"/"monkey siblings" shtick will last the majority of the book, just thought i'd warn you now.
she info dumps her life story, as well as her dreams for the future--that 'on the day you see me accepting a newbery medal, i will have clear blue eyes and perfect teeth. and maybe my red hair will be less unruly.' here's hoping, mallory, here's hoping.
she tells us how insanely and selectively strict her parents are. selectively in that the only child in the pike house who has to abide by any rules whatsoever, is mallory herself. she guesses, correctly, i'm sure, that by the time claire is eleven, she'll have 'an apartment of her own, a personal butler, and a salary.'
the triplets continue to snicker at claire's obvious distress over the dog. and honestly, i'm surprised none of them has ever expressed any distress over the fact that one day, they had a cat (named "sarge," i believe? i could be 100% wrong about that. lemme know, guys!) and then the next day, this cat vanished into thin air, never to be spoken of again. i'm distressed by that, damn it! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KITTY?!?!?
ahh, i see, hiding in wait. ready to attack at a moment's notice. what a relief!
so claire looks for pow, to make sure he's still alive and unfrozen, while margo and mallory get out the silver wear from a drawer by the stove, which apparently mr. pike refers to as "the armament"? since when? nicky asks what stinks and it's LAMB STEW. oh god. oh god. lamb makes me freak out so hard. my paternal grandmother once fed me and my sisters lamb, then asked us how we liked it. we said it was good, because honestly, that lamb was fucking delicious. it was only AFTER we ate it and she got our praise that she told us it was LAMB. i almost threw up. i will NEVER eat lamb again. that was kind of mildly traumatizing as a child, "i ate a baby sheep…!!!!!!!!!"
byron looks horrified at the thought of lamb stew. i'm with you bro! i guess stew is only acceptable in the pike house if it's of the "daddy stew" variety. vanessa wanders into the kitchen reciting, "lamb stew, lamb stew, start with some herbs, then come up the ewe." mallory says, "that's disgusting." claire asks what a ewe is, vanessa tells her it's a female lamb, to which margo responds with a loud "ewwwwwww!" vanessa says "exactly."
and this is basically just another day in the pike household, with peter lerangis at the helm. merry christmas! and lerangis bless us, everyone!
oh wow, and it's not even over yet.
jordan bitches that lamb stew isn't christmasy enough, "we're supposed to do christmasy stuff, remember?" so ma pike raises a spock eyebrow and asks what he considers a christmasy dinner. he answers "turkey." margo says, "goose" and adam honks, because, why wouldn't he? claire suggests gingerbread men and mallory has to be all PC and faux-feminist, correcting her sister, "people." claire busts a nut laughing, telling mallory that, "silly, we're not canimals." oh sweet jesus. mallory tells her, "i meant gingerbread people. not just gingerbread men. and it's cannibals."
dee the dumb looks at them like she's only just realized that she lives on a funny farm and asks what the fuck they're talking about. vanessa suggests making figgy pudding. no one answers dee the dumb. nicky wants to know what figgy pudding is, so vanessa starts singing "we wish you a merry christmas" to explain where she got this outlandish notion of figgy pudding.
'i told you our house is crazy.
okay, i have to admit, part of it was my fault. i had dreamed up a master plan for the christmas season, and everyone was contributing to it.'
she tells us that the idea had hit her when she and jessi were playing. no, not horsies, this time they were pretending that they were not only sisters, but french refugees, visiting london for the first time. mallory was jezebel cassoulet, and jessi was daphne. jezebel, huh? i'll just…leave that one alone…
they were walking down main street, pretending that it was london. i doubt that stoneybrook is anything like london, but whatever. i'm not going to knock a couple of children playing pretend. the stores were already done up for christmas, decked out with all their holiday displays. 'a snow flurry was falling, and a santa on the corner was ringing a bell for charity. the street looked like a quaint village in nineteenth-century england, if you squinted and tried to ignore the neon signs, electrical wires, and cars.' hey mallory, if you guys have a couple of drinks, i'm sure it would help. beer goggles would probably go a long way to making this seem even remotely possible. or perhaps some acid. you'd need to be super hallucinating to pull this off. people in this town treat you kids like adults anyway, i'm sure you could convince someone to sell you some booze or a couple hits of acid. just flash your baby-sitter's club age of majority card or something.
'daphne and i linked arms to protect each other from the rough climate and the gruff people with their off* accents. perhaps we would find a kind stranger who would welcome us with the hospitality and cheer of the season--
"preholiday countdown!" a voice blared over a loudspeaker. "open a charge account and receive a free gift while supplies last. for all your holiday needs, whatley's is the spirit of shopping. remember, christmas and hanukkah are us!"'
imaginary nineteeth-century england RUINED! it's impossible to play the cassoulet sisters now. guess they'll just have to play horsey again.
*at least that's the word used in the ebook. for all i know, she said "rough accents."
'my eyes unsquinted. after the voice stopped, the loudspeaker began playing a tinny version of "jingle bell rock." two kids skateboarded around us, yelling, "yo! heads up!" a car horn rang out in the street as someone made a sudden u-turn. outside whatley's a little boy was throwing a tantrum, shooting his mom with a plastic gun.
so much for nineteenth-century england.'
like i said. go play horsey now.
this chapter is LONG, man. get to the point! i'm already on page 17 of a 292 page ebook, and it's only the first chapter, damn it!
they stop playing jezebel and daphne and look in the window of whatley's, condemning their display as "corny" (jessi) and "stupid" (mallory.) jessi asks if mallory has started her christmas shopping yet. but nope, she hasn't. turns out jessi hasn't either. there is a sign in the corner of the display that states there is only "FOUR MORE SHOPPING WEEKS" until christmas. mallory starts freaking out. buying gifts for a big family is HARD, yo!
'do you know what it's like to shop for nine family members? keeping track of what they want is impossible. was nicky too old for action figures? which video game did the triplets already have? what book had vanessa told me wanted?
suddenly the holiday season felt about as much fun as a math exam.
i was supposed to feel happy. i was supposed to be filled with the spirit of giving. which was different from the "spirit of shopping," whatever that meant.
that's when i had my idea. it went off in my head like fireworks.'
mallory's idea? to have an old fashioned christmas, or "old-style" as she puts it. nothing commercial or artificial. handmade gifts, handmade wrapping paper, special holiday meals, and a stockpile of fire wood for their fireplace. and, of course, a 'real' christmas tree 'strung with cranberries, popcorn and homemade ornaments.'
she gets shivers just thinking about it. this may be the first book i've snarked when i get to use the 'over use of shivering' tag! oh happy days!
she brings the idea up at a family meeting that that. her siblings are all for it, but her parents exchange "we'll discuss this" looks. it takes them until the next day to agree to go through with "operation old-fashioned christmas." which is why on saturday they are eating lamb stew instead of "daddy stew." and the kids are STILL bitching. ma and pa pike explain that there are ninety meals to cook between now and christmas and "not all of them could be strictly christmasy." nicky bitches and pouts that they could "at least give us something green and red." so pa pike the stupid suggests dying the mashed potatoes. dee the dumb says NO WAY IN HELL, but compromises by serving mint jelly and cranberry sauce. i gag.
OH MY GOD THE CHAPTER STILL ISN'T OVER.
godawful ape chapter, i have only two words for you:
dinner = chaos. claire suggests hiring bert the chimney sweep from mary poppins to sweep the chimney for santa. durrrrr? vanessa says they have to do everything "super old-fashioned" which to her means using candles instead of lights. margo one-ups her, suggesting "a horse and carriage instead of our car." GOOD LUCK, IDIOT. nicky doesn't know what "old-fashioned" actually means and suggests a laser lightshow on the lawn. dumb dad pike ROFL at his youngest son, saying, "just like the olden days." mallory suggests having a open house on christmas day for the neighbours. ma and pa dumbdumb smarten up enough to nix that craziness.
mallory suggests a compromise of her own, inviting uncle joe. ma and pa asshole give each other Looks. mallory tells us about uncle joe and his alzheimer's and how he "isn't the easiest person to be around." DUDE, NOT HIS FAULT. dumb dad pike says he'll call him, but "don't count on his saying yes. you know how he is." shut. the. fuck. up. leave the poor old man alone!
after dinner they go off to do their christmas projects and we are told what those are, but i don't care enough after this excessively long chapter to record it all and i'm sure no one else cares either.
mallory continues to work on her story. 'i decided it was awful. "inside the old, crumbling house of the post family, a fire burned"? that sounded as if the house were on fire.
i changed it.
"shivering from the frigidity, the heat was not enough for the post children huddled around"? well, "frigidity" had to go, after the way everyone made fun of it. not to mention that i'd made it sound as if the heat were shivering. also i hadn't said exactly what the children were huddled around.
i changed all of that, too.'
she scraps her story, for the most part. continuing on that "outside in the darkness, a pair of eyes were looking in," made her think of 'two eyeballs floating around in the snow.' LOL.
she tells us that 'writing's fun, but you have to watch yourself.' oh, peter lerangis, as if YOU ever do? never change, lerangis, never, ever change.
vanessa figures out how to rhyme reindeer in the mean time and it's fucking AWFUL. '"santa claus put on his coat and bandaged up his sprained ear; then he jumped into his sled and called out to his reindeer."
BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD FOR YOU TOO, VANESSA. that SUCKS.
when mallory questions the whole "sprained ear" nonsense, vanessa says it's from "listening to too many squeaky little elf voices." yeah, that doesn't sound like improbable bullshit at ALL, vanessa. you just keep up the hard work.
dumb dad pike comes in to tell mallory that he talked to uncle joe, who he claims is "full of excuses." because mr. pike is sensitive. super, super sensitive to the feelings and needs of others. these "excuses" include a fund-raiser/holiday boutique that the manor is having over the holidays, to raise money for a new wing. wow, they must be expecting to make a SHIT TON of money if they think they'll get enough to build a whole new wing for the manor. jesus.
mallory asks if uncle joe is involved. she tells us that she is SHOCKED! shocked! i tell you! because 'knowing uncle joe, he'd want to be as far away from a big crowd scene* as possible.' super sensitive douchebag dad LAUGHS and says, "no. he's nervous about it, though. thinks there'll be too many strangers wandering around, making noise. so he wants to hibernate and see no one until it's over. problem is, it lasts five days. i told him we were just having a family gathering, nobody else. i think that's what made him agree."
*btw, mallory, i think your entire family would count as a 'big crowd scene.' which is probably why uncle joe has such a hard time being around all of you.
i guess uncle joe is hedging his bets on the devil he knows right now. his family may be loud as fuck, totally inconsiderate, and a pile of monkey rectums, but he pretty much knows what to expect. and he's hoping they won't be quite as disturbing and upsetting to be around as a manor filled with strangers and loud noises. something along those lines. or he just wanted to get his nephew off the phone. if i were talking to mr. pike and he were harassing me about something, i'd just be like, "yeah, yeah, whatever. god, FINE!" but then make up an excuse later on. because mr. pike is a dooouuuuchhecanuuuuuuuee.
chapter mercifully ends with mallory and vanessa cheering and mallory telling us, 'boy, did i feel great. christmas was falling into place.
christmas the way it should be.'
lololol. enjoy that delusion while it lasts, mallory!
Chapter Two
oh for chrissake….the obligatory chapter two.
jessica is asking what a "tizzy" is and claudia is talking with her god damned mouth full, AGAIN! she tells jessi that a tizzy is "isashoka" for serious, claudia? do you NEVER SWALLOW before SPEAKING? damn, i wonder how many of us readers unconsciously picked up horrific manners from reading these books? i, personally, interrupt people and cut them off quite a bit when they're talking, much like these bitches do. though, it could be my ADD. i try not to talk with my fucking mouth full, though, CLAUDIA. especially not with a mouth so packed with food that nothing i say makes any sense! SWALLOW YOUR FOOD CLAUDIA.
oh, stacey's on it, which is good, because as i've said, moronic book characters NEVER listen to me, no matter how loud i yell at them! stacey says, "swallow, please." and abby mumbles, "i don't know her," while grimacing at claudia. i like to think this is lerangis' way of pointing out just how disgusting this behaviour is. yep, it's finally gotten to the point where even her friends are calling her out on how uncouth she's is. but then, took them long enough, considering they tear one another down for anything and everything.
claudia swallows and repeats herself, sans food, "it's a kind of old car."
but kristy corrects her, because she MUST or the universe will explode. and well, also because claudia is wrong: "that's a tin lizzy."
abby suggests that a tizzy could be "a contraption."
'"contraction," stacey mcgill said.
"exactly," abby shot back. "just testing you."'
mary anne giggles that it sounds like a quiz show. i raise a spock-brow at her. mallory decides now is the perfect time to exorcist-spew all the chapter two facts/her friend's entire life stories. as long as it gets me away from this weird-ass simpleminded argument your friends are having, i'll take it. but just so you know, mal, i will be skimming. your lives just aren't that damned interesting. especially after having it regurgitated in my face hundreds of damned times. thnx.
i will however, make note of anything particularly out there or insane. this is a lerangis, after all, so ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
like this, right here: mallory straight up lies in the first paragraph explaining the meetings: 'during that time we take phone calls from local clients*, it's like one big pyjama party. we have the best time.'
the BEST TIME? really? one big pyjama party? i've never been to one, so someone will have to enlighten me: are pyjama parties usually excuses to shame and berate your so-called "friends"?
mallory,
i'm in no mood for lies, right now.
*i'm guessing that says "local clients", in the ebook it says they take calls from "local calls" so that's definitely not right.
this "tizzy" nonsense came up because she had told her friends about the fund raiser at the stoneybrook manor, and how her uncle joe had said the residents were "in a tizzy." and not one single BSC member other than mallory knew what that meant. considering how hopelessly stuck in the past the entire town is, i'm surprised the other girls have never heard this term before. i guess not many people were "in a tizzy" in the 1950s?
mallory explains that it means, "going crazy, being excited." she also tells them uncle joe says the other residents are running around "like thirty-five year olds" and claudia gets confuzzle-faced and asks, "is that supposed to be young?" FUCK YOU CLAUDIA. i'll be thirty-five in two years, and i don't need any preteen upstart book characters making me feel old before my time!
jessi says they should hire kristy.
stacey says she'd give them all heart attacks. which is incredibly sensitive, considering watson has already had his heart attack by this point, no? yes. i just checked. his heart attack was in book 81. only 11 books ago. wow, stacey. that's fucking cruel, even for you. i'm surprised kristy didn't murder her herself, right the and there and then force the other club members to eat her remains. if i were kristy, at the very least i would've probably backhanded stacey out of sheer rage.
but no, kristy just informs them that she's "very gentle and loveable with old people." to which abby snarks, "it's just the young ones she drives crazy." kristy fires back with, "perhaps we should review our policy regarding new members." claudia tries to soften the blow with sugar.
kristy decides they should help with the fund raiser/boutique and starts running off a list of everything they could do/provide to help. so now mallory can explain kristy-thomas-the-idea-machine to us and really get started on the stupid info dump.
now to the skimming:
ew, this is gross: 'kristy has ideas the way other eighth-graders have pimples: in bunches. unlike pimples, though, most of her ideas are pretty terrific. that's why we listen, even when she's being a pain.'
mallory admits that kristy runs the meetings with "an iron fist." thank you, mallory, it's about time someone admitted it.
kristy is an inch shorter than mallory. she is five feet tall and mallory is five one. mallory likes this fact, because she says it's bad enough she and jessi are two years younger than the other club members and that their parents treat them like the children that they are, but 'being taller than kristy is kind of nice. i will never, however, be richer than kristy.' blah blah, real live millionaire.
intermission from info dump, wherein stacey announces that it's dues day, claudia realizes she's been hoarding, and then forgetting, chocolate coins in her pants pocket. said chocolate coins have now melted and she has chocolate all over her hand. phone rings, she answers, gets melted chocolate all over receiver. this leads to claudia's life story.
claudia's idea of grains, protein, vegetables and fruit is: 'potato chips, a chunkie, carrot cake and a banana split.' we get claudia's very, very unscientific theory of how she 'stays so thin', the kishi-scientific-ener-joy theory: 'if you eat what you like, you become happy, and the energy from your joy burns off calories.' dear god, do i ever wish claudia's theory was actually correct!
mallory claims the closest thing the BSC has to a genius is stacey. after snarking 'stacey and the mystery money', it is even more apparent that they are really scraping the bottom of the barrel when they claim that stacey is even close to being a genius. never mind the claim that her being able to do basic math apparently makes her a "math whiz."
i don't know if this fuck up is in the actual book or just the ebook, but it made me laugh anyway. on stacey being a child of divorced parents: 'being a divorced kid makes her sad sometimes. she feels pulled apart, trying to please both kids.' HAHA, yeah, stacey's parents really DO behave like fucking children most of the time.
robert's knowing stacey's eating schedule "to the minute" is apparently "considerate" and not even the littlest bit overly involved. if that relationship had lasted, i'm sure it wouldn't have gotten any more co-dependent than it already was…right?
mary anne is such a wet blanket crybaby that 'if you invite her to your house to watch a sad movie, you'd better provide lots of tissues. either that or plastic slipcovers for your couch.' LOL. i love you lerangis!
mallory mentions abby's "if the BSC were a car" line, but it's boring compared to some of the other gems this info dump has had to offer. still, i'll provide it just in case anyone cares: '"if the BSC were a car, kristy would be the headlights, claudia would be the chassis, stacey would be the gas gauge, and mary anne would be the engine." (when kristy asked, "what would you be?" abby replied, "the bumper.")'
this leads to abby's life history. and how mallory thinks that kristy is "a little jealous" of abby. no doubt, mallory, no doubt.
mallory claims that she and jessi are the most important members of the club, 'well, we're definitely the unsung heroes.' no, you're the work horses, but then, you love horses, right? so i guess you won't mind that comparison.
info dump over.
kristy wants to have a club holiday party.
the chapter ends with mallory tellings us that 'everyone began speaking at once. i loved the idea. a cosy family christmas and a BSC holiday party? what could be better? this was going to be the warmest, happiest december ever. i just knew it.'
no,it's going to be 'Christmas: Fail Hard, with a Vengeance.' you just don't know it yet.
Chapter Three
the pike family of monstrosities is recording their own versions of christmas songs, 'the twelve days of christmas' in particular. they're making shit up as they go along, like "twelve velociraptor eggs". this is unbearably lame and dull. when they're done they fall all over themselves laughing and high fiving. they're about to replay it for themselves for extra gigs when the door bell rings. ruh roh! mama pike cracks that it's "the christmas carol police, coming to arrest us." and claire takes her seriously. maybe people shouldn't joke in front of this child. she's not exactly perkins levels of intelligence. she isn't even jamie newton levels of intelligence. she's one of the slowest children in the 'brook.
so who is at the pike's door? it's doc hollywood!
'a man stood on the porch. the first thing i noticed about him was his tan. you don't see too many tanned people in stoneybrook at this time of the year. the second thing i noticed was his smile, huge and warm and comfortable, as if he knew us.'
'"mrs. pike?" he said.
"yes," my mom answered.
"is it the policeman?" claire asked shakily.'
oh for fuck sake. someone get this kid a helmet. something tells me she won't make it to the age of six without one.
'the man laughed loudly. "no! oh, indeed no. my name is chad henry. i'm a producer/director for channel three tv, and i wanted to congratulate you in person. you've been selected from hundreds of contestants--"
vanessa came running to the door. she looked about ready to levitate. "the old fashioned christmas contest?" she blurted out.
"that's right," mr. henry said. "are you vanessa?"'
see, somehow a nine year old was able to enter a huge contest without the permission of her parents. aaaaand, she won. because this is a baby-sitters club book.
mama pike wants to know wtf this is all about.
'"didn't you see the commercial?" vanessa cried. "you had to write a letter about the way your family was going to spend christmas. and mallory was saying how we had to have this old-style christmas and all, so i entered us. i figured we'd be perfect."
"your entry was sensational, vanessa," mr. henry said. "i have to compliment you, mrs. pike. what a family. eight children--and such a strong sense of closeness and traditional american values. warmth, generosity, wholesomeness…"'
uh…you're talking about THIS pike family, right? methinks you don't know shit, sir.
mr. henry is searching for another word but mama pike/june shannon (honey boo boo's mother, another horror of a parent) cuts to the chase. "what exactly does this contest entail? do we have to buy anything?" cuz lord knows, she don't want to have to spend a cent, especially if her kids are involved. remember, mallory has to buy her own socks at the age of eleven, for fuck sake. SOCKS. she has to buy her own fucking SOCKS.
'mr. henry chuckled and reached into his jacket pocket. "oh the contrary, mrs. pike." we gathered around as mr. henry pulled out an envelope and removed a check from it. i thought my jaw was going to hit the floor as i read it.'
geez, it must be a check for 'pretty much money' then!
'"ten thousand dollars?" my mom said.
"yyyyyyesss!" vanessa shouted.
"we're rich!" screamed byron.'
eh, not so much. but it is pretty much money. *shoots self* i could do with a cool ten g's right about now, then i wouldn't have to worry about my cat's medical bills.
the kids are losing their ever-loving shit and mallory feels weak. she internally monologues that, 'i wanted to hug vanessa. i wanted to take back every mean thing i'd ever said to her.
i figured i'd wait until mr. henry left. until we had the winning check in our house.'
but just wait, mallory. there's more to this than meets the eye. there is quite the gigundoly huge catch.
'mr. henry unfolded some long, stapled-together papers, crowded with small type. "of course, we'll need your authorization before we can start shooting," he said.
claire gasped. "he is a policeman!"
"no that kind of shooting," vanessa said. "he means with tv cameras."
"in our house?" byron asked.'
karen is gonna be so jelly if she ever finds out. if she did find out, i'm sure she'd pretend to be friends with margo again, just so she could get on tv. we all know how she lost her shit around derek, thinking she could get her big break from hanging out around him.
'"if your mom consents," mr. henry said. "you see, mrs. pike, i'm putting together a regular feature called 'family first,' for our popular values americanstyle show. by signing this contract, you become the focus of our gala winter special, to be broadcast a year from now. over this holiday season, we will become part of your family, as it were. we'll videotape your old-fashioned christmas preparations and let you share the joy with the entire southern connecticut community."'
it shall be called 'here comes silly billy goo goo!' and focus on claire's tragic mess of a family after she was spotted at the little miss stoneybrook pageant! this dude ain't being up front. well, i'm sure "channel three"/TLC never really is, right?
Click to view'mom looked at the contract. "total access to the house?" she read aloud.
"only while you're here, of course," mr. henry said with a laugh. "we also may accompany you on christmas-related outings. of course, we'll keep equipment and personnel down to a minimum. we have no intention of diminishing your holiday enjoyment. after all, that would be counterproductive, wouldn't it?"
adam nodded. "yeah."
"what'd he say?" nicky asked.
"i don't know," adam murmured.'
good thing they don't need adam's consent! but then, mama and papa pike's consent is probably just as fucking bad.
if claire weren't currently still convinced that mr. henry is a cop in disguise and incapable of speech, i'm sure her response to all of this hullaballoo would be something along the lines of, "a dolla make me holla silly billy goo goo child!"
claire pike:
mrs. pike is uncertain about this proposal. she's probably worried that if her family's daily life were presented on television, people would see how mistreated mallory is and call child protective services on her and mr. pike and they would lose their child-slave.
'mom sighed. "let me hold on to this, mr. henry. we need to talk this out at a family meeting before we make any decisions."
"i respect that absolutely," mr. henry said. he folded up the check, put it back in his pocket, and took out a business card. "call me either at my office or my home when you've made up your mind. i look forward to working with you. bye, vanessa! bye, brothers and sisters! i hope to get to know you all personally."'
it's as if he knows they won't refuse, or something. doc hollywood, you a creepy motherfucker.
mallory tells us that before mr. henry was even out of earshot, the entire band of apes went batshit, screaming: "we're stars!" "waaaah-hoooo!" "where's the check?" "are we going to move to a palace?" "are we millionaires?" "no, silly, thousandaires!" "you're going to sign, right, mom?" "mom?" "mom?" but mrs. pike just shakes her head and tells them it will be discussed after dinner.
but of course the apes can't wait THAT long, so they spend the next few hours talking about nothing else! adam and byron argue about whether they should buy a ferrari or a porsche, which is funny, because there was a silver porsche parked outside my building not twenty minutes ago. there was some sort of work related holiday shindig happening across the street at the over-priced restaurant with the shitty food, so the parking lot was filled to capacity. when that happens during the weeks leading up to the holidays, the leftover cars park right in front of my building and annoy me. the porsche was pretty sweet though and i'm not typically a porsche girl. i'm more into vintage cars. anyway, that was completely off topic, but then, the pikes are being annoying, so…*SHRUGS FOREVER!*
margo and claire have created a butler named grimsby for a new imaginary friend, well, servant. they are trying to practice getting used to having someone other than mallory as the family slave. since they're "thousandaires" now and all. nicky has decided that vanessa has a midas touch when it comes to contests, so he's pulling out stacks of magazines and comic books and is demanding that she enter every single contest.
how is mallory reacting?
'i wasn't sure how i felt about being on tv, but the money was definitely cool. i knew our family needed it. awhile back my dad lost his job and was out of work for a few months.* we ended up spending all our savings before he found another job. things are better now, but they've never been quite the same as before+. mom and dad didn't make a big deal about it, but i knew how nervous they'd been about money.'
*i thought it was more like a few weeks? i certainly don't remember mr. pike being off work for MONTHS.
+what has changed? you guys still rent an entire HOUSE in sea city "every year"--more like multiple times in the same year as the seasons repeat on an infinite loop yet the years never actually ever go by.--nothing seems to have actually changed. whatever.
mallory tries not to talk about the contest with her mother while she helps her prepare dinner--i bet mallory is making the dinner and mother of the year over there is just barking orders and directions, like the harpy from hell that she is. her ape siblings don't take her lead and shut their damned mouths, though. nope, they keep blabbing about being "thousandaires" and "stars" i'm sure. the mother from hell tells them they'll discuss it after dinner "about a million times" by mallory's count. but the apes can't last until after dinner.
'the moment dad arrived home from work, he was mobbed by monkeys. in the interest of family peace, he and mom decided to postpone the meal and call an early family meeting.'
well, that's because mr. and mrs. pike can't control their kids. they don't even try anymore. i bet if they'd called kristy, she would've shut that shit down until after dinner, and that's a sad fucking fact.
they gather around the dining room table and tell papa-the-worst about what happened while he examines the contract like the lawyer that he is. of course, being a lawyer probably won't stop him from making a stupid fucking decision. well, i know it won't.
what does lawyer-dad have to say?
'"well, i see some red flags in terms and indemnity and privacy issues," said dad. (or something like that. he's a lawyer.)
"i don't see flags," claire said, peering over his shoulder.
nicky looked ready to cry. "does that mean we can't do it?"
"i didn't say that," dad replied. "but we have to be cautious. think of all the people that'll be in our house."'
so lemme get this shit straight. mr. lawyer extraordinaire sees multiple red flags in the contract. his lawyer side is telling him this is a bad fucking move. but his irresponsible, money-hungry, probable fame-whore side, is saying "YEAH BITCHES!!! MONEY! FAME! LET'S DO IT!!!"
'"we always have a lot of people in the house," adam insisted.
"camera people all over the living room…" mom said.
"yyyyyyyyyes!" jordan exclaimed.
"following us while we shop…" dad conjectured.
byron was starry-eyed. "we'll give out autographs!"
mom started laughing. dad tried to keep a straight face, but that didn't last long. "well," dad said with a sigh. "we certainly can use the money to put toward your educations."'
something tells me the ape children are not going to like that plan at all!
aaaaand, they don't!:
'"educations?" adam blurted out.
"what about a car?" adam blurted out.*
"or a new house?" margo asked.
dad crossed his arms. "look. if we do this, it is with the understanding that your mother and i have final fiduciary responsibility."'
that sentence, coupled with the word "fiduciary" coming out of mr. pike's mouth, translates into "your mother and i have final douche responsibility" because they are douches. massive douches. at least, that's how MY mind translates it.
*i doubt it says "adam blurted out" twice in a row, but that's what the ebook says, so whatever.
'we stared at him blankly.
"in other words," mom explained, "we'll give it a try, but leave the money matters to us."'
BRAVO MR. AND MRS. PIKE.
BRAV-FUCKING-O.
yep. they are actually fucking agreeing to this shit, red flags and all.
just like responsible parents would!
the chapter ends on this: 'well, i don't need to tell you what the response to that was.
the joyful noise nearly shattered our windows.'
this book:
a gigantic pile of shit.