Farewell, Dawn Chapters 1-5
So I looked at the cover for the book and it’s hilarious. Kristy and Claudia look positively gleeful. Seriously, Kristy looks like she’s about to start dancing in the airport and throwing confetti. Granted, I’d be doing the same thing. I can’t dance for shit, but if I found out Dawn was leaving and I could eat an M&M in peace, I’d have been breaking it down in the middle of the airport. In fact, I’d have found some way to get the entire crowd to sing, “Fuck yeah, Dawn’s leaving!” And then when I went home, I’d have gotten a noisemaker and a party hat, put on “Celebrate,” and jumped up and down on the bed.
Mary Anne, Little Miss Cries if Someone Throws a Flyer Away, somehow isn’t shedding enough tears to drown the planet even though her best friend/stepsister is moving away for good. In fact, I personally think she looks kind of bored. Dawn is just half-heartedly waving like she doesn’t give a shit. This is a bit unusual for the group of girls who panic if someone is in the bathroom too long. Seriously, I’m just imagining someone being like, “Where were you? Do you have any idea how worried I was? I was about to call the police and file a missing person’s report!” And the other person is like, “Bitch, I just need to take a dump.” I’m sure the BSC all shit together. I can see Kristy as the type of person who texts pics of her shits to her friends and Dawn as the type to be like, “Well, if you ate grass like I did, your shits wouldn’t be so painful, would they?”
Chapter 1
Mary Anne wakes up Dawn to tell her that she has a sitting job for Norman and Sara Hill. Richard is making eggs, and Dawn takes the time to get up her own ass because Richard and Mary Anne have the audacity to eat salty, greasy, high in fat, or any other form of food that Dawn deems unhealthy (which is basically everything save a blade of grass) but she and her mom Sharon are morally superior because they eat all natural tofu and bean curd and buckwheat or whatever healthy shit they eat. Dawn just wakes up and she’s already bitching about shit that doesn’t concern her.
They go downstairs and Dawn bitches about how she can smell the bacon and for fuck’s sake, can she just shut up? It’s not like Richard’s fucking forcing you to eat the bacon. I think that’s what irks me about Dawn-she complains about stuff that has nothing to do with her. It’d be one thing if she had to eat a meal she hated (I’d be able to sympathize to a small degree; my mom cooked food I didn’t like sometimes) but she doesn’t. It’s not like Richard is forcing her to eat the bacon. No, her royal bitchiness just can’t stomach the thought of someone making food that doesn’t suit her personal preference while she’s in the house instead of waiting for her to leave and then airing the smell out before she gets home.
My mom makes food I dislike sometimes. Luckily she’s been allowing me to get away with eating a sandwich instead or making an alternative lately. Since I don’t have to eat the food, I don’t complain. If the smell is really bad (I don’t know what it was, but my mom used to make something that smelled awful and I’d always find an excuse to go outside) I leave the room. Knowing Dawn, she’d probably be like, “Richard is trying to drive me out of my own house by cooking bacon.” Okay, I would totally do that. Now I’m imagining brandishing a hot dog at Dawn and being all, “Back, back unholy offspring of a PETA member and an alfalfa sprout!”
I was telling my little brother and my cousin about a bitchfit Dawn had thrown and my brother said he thought Dawn’s name was actually Bitchfit because I stuttered. I told him that was a more accurate name.
Mary Anne asks if they can go to the beach and Richard doesn’t want to because it’s too crowded. I prefer to go the beach when it’s less crowded myself. This makes Dawn miss California because she went to the beach every weekend. I can understand that. I live in Florida and my family loves the beach. My mom started making a special effort to take us on Saturdays in the morning when it wasn’t crowded. My older cousin was mad because my brother and I live really close to the beach and yet we aren’t there every day. He was in New York shoveling snow while I could go to the beach.
Dawn talks about how she likes Stoneybrook, but she also likes California and misses the people there. That makes sense. Dawn mentions Carol and how she didn’t like her at first. Yeah, that’s kind of an understatement. It’s like if I was bleeding out and I was like, “It’s just a little scratch.” Carol couldn’t do a damn thing without you finding some reason to hate her. Carol takes you and your friends out-“oh, she’s just trying to kiss up to us.” Carol says “cool” “she’s a loud obnoxious teenage wannabe,” Carol tells Dawn “Hi,” that’s worse than telling Dawn to go fuck herself with a hotdog. I also notice that she doesn’t mention she hated the idea of Carol marrying her dad so much that she stole a credit card and booked a flight back to Stoneybrook. Dawn says she’s cool with Carol now and would like to get to know her better. Yeah, right. Dawn is only interested in knowing someone as long as they conform to her every belief and never ever disagree with her or have their own opinions.
Dawn goes to Norman’s house. Norman was fat, which meant that a bunch of people teased him, but now he’s lost weight. Dawn is happy Norman lost weight because fat people are gross. Okay, she just says that being fat is unhealthy. Norman’s parents are heading out to a fitness club and I’m wondering if they can’t take him. Maybe that fitness club doesn’t have an area for kids. I’m not familiar with fitness clubs, so I don’t know if all of them have areas for kids to work out. Maybe the Hills don’t want anyone to see they have a fat son or they don’t want to parent. How did Norman lose weight, anyway? Did he start exercising? Did his parents stop buying junk food? Did his parents help? Last time I checked, they tried to shame the fat out of him. The way they talked, it sounded that they thought he was worthless because he was fat. I’m shocked they didn’t send him away to a place where people promoted a really dangerous and unhealthy way of losing weight. Also, Norman was an emotional eater last I heard. Has he learned better coping skills?
Norman’s parents are around most of the time. Does that mean they’ve taken to actually helping and encouraging him instead of being like, “You may have gotten straight A’s, but you’re worthless because you can’t lose weight?”
Job goes smoothly. In fact, Dawn glosses over it. She goes back home and makes herself a salad with lettuce, tomatoes, bean sprouts, and avocado. I’m shocked she didn’t start jumping up her own ass about how special she was for eating a salad when most Americans would probably grab a hot dog when they wanted a snack because Americans can’t eat healthy. Seriously, Dawn is the type of person who will brag about how she ate an apple and how she’s morally superior because she chose to eat an apple and not potato chips. I ate an apple today and didn’t think I was superior because of it.
Dawn misses Sunny, her best friend in California. She mentions that Sunny is a member of the WLK club, which is similar to the BSC except it’s run by potheads and not Napoleon. Let’s be real, any club would be way more relaxed than the BSC. I’m just imagining Kristy being like, “You actually ask the kids what they want to do? What is this madness? Kids don’t know what they want to do unless we tell them! And suppose they want to play a game that you don’t like? Did you ever think of that?”
Sunny is such a huge flirt that Dawn wants to die when she’s around her. Then how the hell did you manage to survive around Stacey? She freaking pushed you into a car with a cute guy. She’d be the type of person to set you up on dates without your knowledge or ignore you when you say a guy gives you a bad feeling because he’s cute. Dawn wonders if Sunny is in the hospital visiting her mom. Mrs. Winslow has cancer and Dawn thinks of her as a second mother. Can’t snark that. Dawn suddenly wants to know how Mrs. Winslow is doing and calls California, even though she’s not supposed to. I’m willing to be a little lenient since someone she thinks of as a second mom has cancer. Dawn calls Sunny and asks how her mom is. Sunny says her mom is in the hospital and she might be able to come home soon, but they aren’t sure. Sunny says her mom isn’t looking very well, but she isn’t sure if it’s because she’s getting worse or because she’s bummed about being in the hospital. Dawn wishes she could be there in person to hug Sunny and I can’t snark that either.
Sunny and Dawn talk some more and Sunny asks if she’s coming back to California. Dawn says no, but she’d like to visit. When they hang up, Dawn realizes that she wants to move back to California. Permanently.
Chapter 2
BSC meeting! Claudia is drawing a sketch of Stacey that represents the inner her. If you’re showing the inner Stacey, I’m pretty sure that picture is rated R. Stacey says it must be nice to have talent and Claudia is like, “You have talent.” Yeah, the kind of talent that is adult rated. Claudia didn’t want to go into detail because she might scar innocent young ears. Claudia says Stacey is good at math and Stacey’s like, “How’s that going to get me a husband? Math is for geeks.” Okay, I made that part up. But Stacey is like, “Who gives a fuck if I’m good at math?” Dawn wonders about that. She mentions the group of kids that Stacey ditched the BSC for and how they weren’t true friends and the BSC were. Yeah, I’m sure true friends get mad because you have outside interests and friends and decide to wreck your room and leave mean notes. I’m sure true friends freeze you out after you get a haircut. I’m sure true friends guilt you about being sick. I’m sure true friends treat you like shit and then make you apologize. But I was a loner most of my life, so what do I know of friendship? Personally, I think Stacey just traded a bad situation for another bad one. Same with Claudia and Mary Anne when they were being ostracized. And Mallory could do better than the BSC as well.
Dawn is happy that Stacey returned to the club because she missed her. I never got the impression that they were close. Also, wouldn’t missing Stacey require Dawn to acknowledge someone other than herself? No, she’s just happy because she hated being treasurer. I’m guessing it’s not because she missed Stacey-she just didn’t want to be treasurer.
Claudia outfit! I described this to my brother and cousin and I think their heads nearly exploded. Today she was wearing a baggy, white, cotton jumpsuit that was cut wide and open at the sides and neckline. Under it she wore two sleeves T-shirts, one purple, one pink. She’d tied the jumpsuit with a belt she’d made from safety pins and beads, and she’d used fabric paint to create a jungle scene on the left leg of the jumpsuit. From her ears dangled two colorful wooden parrot earrings onto which she’d glued beads that matched the beads on her belt
Claudia can wear this fashion because she’s hot. Seriously, I think a line actually said Claudia can get away with wearing her outfits because she’s gorgeous. Anyone else and the BSC would make fun of them. More backstory. Dawn mentions that the family had a difficult time adjusting when they moved in together. I thought Dawn complained about shit that had nothing to do with her. She also mentions that the family learned to compromise. I’m shocked Dawn isn’t whining about this. She shouldn’t have to compromise. People should do whatever she wants all the time. She shouldn’t have to live in a house where people buy cookies. She shouldn’t have to live in a house where someone organizes their underwear by color. She should get her way no matter what.
Dawn wonder how she can leave the BSC because Kristy will find some way to drag Dawn off of that plane kicking and screaming. Actually, it’s because the BSC is like a family. If my family treated me the way the BSC does, I’d have found some legal way to separate myself from them.
Chapter 3
The next Tuesday, Jeff calls for Dawn. Dawn asks how Sunny is and Jeff said he saw her at the beach, but he didn’t talk to her because she was talking to some guy. Dawn wonders who the guy is and why Sunny didn’t mention him. Maybe she forgot?My best friend forgot to tell me she had a boyfriend for months. Maybe she just met the guy? Sunny’s a huge flirt. Maybe she just went up to him and started flirting. I can’t get a boyfriend because the second a cute boy looks at me, I run and hide.
Jack talks to Dawn and she gets choked up. Carol comes on the phone to talk and Dawn mentions how Carol rubbed her the wrong way because she tried too hard to be hip. No, Dawn just has a stick up her ass and she thinks adults aren’t allowed to like cartoons, video games, modern music, or say cool. They must be old fuddy duddies at all times and talk about taxes and politics and important grown up stuff, and not current movies. Carol was actually really nice to Dawn and her friends. Dawn was just like, “How dare you talk to me,” whenever Carol so much as said “hi.” I was just thinking about how nice it was for Carol to drive Dawn and her friends around because what would they have been able to do? When I visit my family in Trinidad, I can’t go anywhere because I can’t drive down there and my mom doesn’t like to bother anyone for a ride, which I can understand.
Dawn says that she wants to come back to California and Carol says to come instead of being like, “Our house just burned down, bye.” I’d have been like, “You guys have to pay me a shitload of money. I want enough to pay off my student loans and go back to school and never have to worry about work again. I also want a bonus every time I manage not to strangle Dawn with her own hair or spit in her bean salad. Actually, I’d probably arrange an accident after five minutes. For her own safety, she can’t come.”
Dawn hears someone coming in and decides to talk about this later because she still hasn’t told the rest of her family. Sharon comes in and Dawn asks to talk to her. Dawn is nervous and I don’t blame her. I’d feel pretty uncomfortable telling my mom that I wanted to go live with my dad. I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m not sure how amicable Sharon and Jack’s divorce was. I can just imagine the bullshit Stacey would have had to go through if she told one of her parents she wanted to move in with the other one.
Dawn has a hard time spitting out that she wants to move back to California and I don’t blame her. Sharon finally tells her to come out with it and Dawn does. Dawn tries to find the words to explain and I can kind of relate to what she’s saying. She’s saying that Stoneybrook is Sharon’s home and it feels like home. Dawn likes Stoneybrook, but it’s not her home. I can understand this. My mom’s from Trinidad and she’s mentioned regretting raising me and my brother in America. My aunt wants my cousin to move to Trinidad. They have an emotional attachment to the place. I like Trinidad okay, but I don’t consider it home. Aside from my family, I don’t know anyone there. I don’t know where anything is. I could go there for vacation, but I couldn’t live there. I consider Florida my home. So I get what Dawn’s saying.
Sharon asks if anything is wrong and Dawn’s like, “No, everything’s fine.” Sharon asks why Dawn wants to leave. For me, I can go on vacation and have a great time, but I’ll still miss home. Maybe it’s this way with Dawn. Stoneybrook is nice, but she misses the familiarity of California. Maybe California just appeals to her more. I moved from South Carolina to Florida when I was eight and I prefer Florida. Who knows? Maybe I’ll move out of state and like the new state better.
Dawn and Sharon start crying. Richard comes in and asks what’s wrong. He miraculously doesn’t break into song and dance when he finds out that Dawn wants to leave. I’d have been like, “My prayers have been answered! There is a god!” Sharon doesn’t want Dawn to move out, but she wants Dawn to be happy. Richard is probably planning what he’s going to eat in celebration. I’d hold a big barbeque and have burgers, hot dogs, fries, chocolate cake, etc. Richard says new custody plans will have to be drawn up, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to rearrange custody arrangments.
Chapter 4
Mallory writes that her boring job turned out to be a disaster. I haven’t read this book, so I’m not sure if it’s a legitimate disaster or if someone just spilled some juice. Mallory is bored because her siblings aren’t acting like zoo animals. I’d have been thanking god for that instead of complaining. If my siblings are behaving, I might actually have some time for myself instead of breaking my neck trying to stop their dumbass stunt. I work at the mall during really slow hours, so I’m doing nothing. Then I’m like, “I’d rather be bored than deal with a huge line of angry customers and kids running around and knocking shit over.”
Mallory and Ben are both stuck at home, so they decide to have a hot date and babysit. I’m sure the BSC would consider babysitting together a hot date. Mallory goes over to Ben’s house and a conversation about how some people call soccer football comes up. The kids decide to play American football while Ben and Mallory get something to eat. They’re still keeping an eye on the kids from the window. I’m shocked they’re not like, “What if we turn our backs for one second? Who knows what disaster will fall?” I was allowed to play outside by myself. Once in a while my mom would come to see if I was okay.
Anyway, Ben’s brother James breaks his leg. Ok, I’d probably call a job where a kid broke a bone a disaster. As far as I can tell, James got tackled and that’s how he broke his leg. Mallory runs inside and calls an ambulance. Mallory, you dumbass, you were supposed to use a tourniquet on James’s leg. Mallory and everyone else tries to comfort James, but there really isn’t much they can do. Claudia comes over to see what’s going on. I’m surprised she isn’t like, “Wow, that’s two kids who broke their bones while you were babysitting them. You must be a horrible babysitter,” or some shit like that. I’m shocked no one is yelling at Mallory for being irresponsible. It turns out James broke his leg in two places and he has to have surgery. I’m sure Kristy is going to have Mallory stoned to death because a kid got hurt on her watch and we all know that if a kid has an accident, you’re a horrible guardian.
Chapter 5
Mary Anne still hasn’t heard that Dawn is leaving. Dawn doesn’t know how to break it to her. Dawn is like, “What am I supposed to say? Mary Anne, you’re one of my best friends, but I prefer my friends on the other side of the country, bye?” Dawn basically says screw this shit, maybe if I don’t think about it inspiration will come. I’ve done that before. Dawn thinks about what she has to do for her move to California and she remembers that Kristy will kill her if she leaves for California. Yeah, the BSC aren’t allowed to have personal lives. I’m surprised Kristy didn’t tell a BSC member that they can’t go on vacation because they’re needed to babysit. She’d be like, “I don’t care if it’s your grandmother’s 80th birthday and you’ve been planning this party for months and your entire family is going to be there-babysitting comes first.
There’s some bullshit about how Kristy isn’t snobby. You know when someone says something that’s such a huge bullshit lie and all you can do is stare? Yeah, that’s pretty much my reaction. We all know Kristy and the rest of the BSC are huge fucking snobs. They think they’re better than everyone else and judge everyone. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of a snob. There’s some more bullshit about how Kristy only lets responsible and cooperative sitters into the BSC. That’s a funny way of saying that she’s a control freak dictator who will stone you with Skittles if you even dare to have your own opinion and not kiss her ass. But I guess Dawn wants to downplay Kristy’s tyranny.
Dawn mentions how Kristy tried to replace Dawn with Wendy, but Wendy was like, “Fuck your dumbass rules and your dumbass club! You don’t have the authority to boss me around!” Dawn says that she should tell Kristy right away so that Kristy can plot some way to sabotage Dawn’s move to California-I mean, brainwash train a new replacement.
Dawn calls Kristy and tells her what’s going on. Kristy asks if Dawn is sure and Dawn says that she thinks so. Dawn gets butthurt when Kristy asks if she’s really sure because apparently someone asking if you’re really sure is being difficult. Moving across country is a big change. I probably would have been like, “This is a big decision. Are you sure?”
Kristy asks if Dawn told Mary Anne and Dawn says no. Kristy is shocked Dawn hasn’t told her best friend that she’s moving away and that she needs to tell her. Dawn tells Kristy to please keep it a secret and isn’t Kristy known for having a big mouth? Why the hell does Dawn think she can keep it a secret? Also, these girls are so possessive that I’m shocked Kristy isn’t glad Dawn is leaving because she was Mary Anne’s friend first. I can also imagine Kristy being like, “Dawn doesn’t care about you,” to Mary Anne. Kristy spouts some bullshit about how she’ll miss Dawn and how she considers Dawn a friend. I never really thought of Dawn as being close to Kristy. It’s also hard for me to imagine Dawn having friends. Who wants someone who will bitch when you get a haircut and scare you instead of just admitting they were wrong? Who wants a friend who will constantly talk shit about your choices, but the second you even make so much as a teasing remark, they act like they’re being persecuted.
Mary Anne comes home and wants to spend time with Dawn. I’d rather have surgery without anesthesia. Mary Anne says they can watch a movie and make a healthy pizza. I think it’s nice that Mary Anne is actually taking Dawn’s dietary preferences into account. Dawn says that Mary Anne’s plan sounds like fun and she’ll tell her tomorrow when she’s in a better move. It seriously sounds like Dawn is trying to figure out how to break up with Mary Anne.