Mallory and the Ghost Cat! Part 1!
Greeting, my lovlies! How was everyone's Halloween? Mine was very mild. I just dressed as a half-assed wendigo and handed out candy. We did get some cute trick or treaters though. And even though I promised I'd headbutt any kid in a Minion costume, I lied. Maybe next year. Anyways, as I predicted, I did not get this up in time for Halloween but here's hoping you're still in the mood for spoops. I know I am. I celebrate Halloween till December because I hate Thanksgiving. And even though this is a Ellen 'Boredom' Miles book, it's not too bad because there's cat antics. The internet was born from cat antics and everyone enjoys that. Again sorry for the lateness but I had a Geat Idea that required work and I'm lazy. Well, let's go!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's start with the cover:
That is not a real cat. That's a cardboard standee of a cat. It's not even looking at the girls. It's meowing/hissing at the corner. Mal's face kinda looks like the bottom of a shoe. Also I'm surprised they let her have the third book in the mystery series. Although I think they only gave her one book. However many mystery books and she got a whopping one. No surprise here really.
Chapter 1!
Mal is making dinner for the apes and rolling her 'r's when she says mozzarella to sound 'totally Italian'. Sure Mal. I'm sure you do. She also notes that she wasn't able to make tomato sauce from scratch because there wasn't time. Yes, God forbid the 11 year old doesn't make something from scratch that is easily bought when cooking for her seven million ape siblings! God, Miles, why even point that out? Are we supposed to think everything must be done as complexly as possible? That Mal is somehow lazy for not making sauce from scratch? Why not just say how she used English muffins rather than making pizza dough from scratch too? Why are you making using pre-made sauce such a big deal?! Why are even the most innocuous books so infuriating?!
After some exposition and patented Pike Family Antics, the parents come home and they have dinner. But first more exposition. Mal says she hates the way she looks and one of the things she mentions disliking is her hair. But she's already got her haircut so I don't know what she's complaining about. Either her haircut grew out and she didn't want to ask the stingy twins to go halfsies on another, or Ellen Miles doesn't know what the Hell she's doing. Take your pick.
After even more exposition (wherein Mal admits she and Jessi sometimes fetishize pretend to be horses), Pa Pike calls a family meeting. He tells them that he wrote his uncle Joe asking whether he'd like a break from his nursing home and stay at the Pike circus a few months. Uncle Joe agreed and because it's (spoiler alert!) revealed that he's suffering the first stages of Alzheimer's, it makes sense that he would agree to such an insane thing. The apes get all excited and Pa tells them to not overwhelm him. He says he's old and sometimes cranky and depressed. I kinda wonder why they want to put him through that in the first place. If I know the Pikes, it's probably to have someone entertain their kids while they got skiing or something. Although that would mean giving Mal a break and we know they hate that. Mal is a masochist who craves a life of servitude and asks whether Joe will be taking over her ape handling duties. Pa soothes her, telling her they would never consider giving up their free child care so she could have anything resembling a childhood! What a relief!
Chapter 2!
Since there absolutely nothing interesting in this chapter, I'll be offering a illustration of each member. See if you can guess who is who!
Chapter 3!
Mal is awoken by the brats by them dripping water on her. And she...tickles them. And...they all fall all over each other on her bed...giggling. It's so creepy and saccharine I just threw up a Norman Rockwell painting. The apes tell her that tomorrow is the day Joe comes and they have to get the den ready for him to stay in. John and Dee try to get them to help but they'd rather fight with each other. So, they're told to go draw pictures for Joe. In a surprising turn, they draw Ninja Turtles and Calvin and Hobbes rather than Punch and Judy or some shit. Other then John crushing on Joe's 'rugged face' and 'clear blue eyes' nothing much happens in this chapter. Except the realization that Mal got her commenting on horse nostrils from her dad.
Chapter 4!
Pa Pike is driving Mal to her new clients, the Craines and talking about Joe. I wonder if he mentioned his long, delicate fingers? He parks the car and says he's going to go meet the Craines. Mal is humiliated but remembers that K Ron said that when sitting for a new client, they should have an adult meet with them first to make sure they seem okay. Um...what?! When has she ever said this?! I can't recall a single other time a BSC member had an adult meet with a new client. Mal didn't when she met the Arnolds. Dawn didn't when she met the Hills. These seems like a pretty big detail to suddenly retcon. If it was a problem with the publishers, why not say K Ron made a new rule about it? Instead they just blatantly lie that this is something she always said. God, Ann. Hire real editors! Not slightly brain damaged chimpanzees!
I laugh like Hell because Mal worries the Craines will think she's a kid. YOU ARE!! I have a terrible memory, but I'm pretty sure I still thought I was a kid at 11. I certainly didn't want anything resembling responsibility like baby-sitting. I actually wanted to be a kid. Anyways, Mr. C meets up with them sand says his wife isn't quite ready and Mal worries Pa will start going on and on about Joe. Because it's not like a BSC member would ever go on and on about the life stories of their friends/relations. But Pa leaves after giving his okay and Mal meets the girls, Margaret(6), Sophie(4) and Katie(2). Margaret (wow it's hard not to type Magrat) says her mom is 34 and I die a little inside that I'll soon be two years older than a fictional woman.
The Craines leave and the girls explain that usually their aunt sits for them but she broke her leg. Also her name is Ellen and she's cool and rides a motorcycle. I see what you did, Miles, I see you. Miles does surprise me by giving the girls Barbie, Simpsons, and Muppet Babies sleeping bags. I'm surprised she wasn't one of those soccer moms that said the Simpsons would cause the downfall of civilization. Mal puts the girls down for a slumber party/nap, and while they're resting she hears a cat meowing. She looks around for it but finds nothing. When the girls wake up, Mal asks them about their cat and they inform her they have no cat. No cat?! What are you, savages?!
Chapter 5!
At breakfast the next day, all the apes are excited and being extra noisy. Mal says she can't hear her Rice Krispies even though she held the bowl up to her ear. Um...Do me a favour. Picture that. Picture that dork Mallory holding a bowl of cereal up to her ear and looking perplexed. Was this your reaction?
-It was mine-
Also the ape boys are...rapping. Horrendously. It's basically like the one from this only somehow more horrible. I'm pretty sure I have rabies now. Pa and Ma leave to go get Joe and Mal rallies the apes. Claire and Margo made a banner to welcome 'Jow' and the kids get busy hanging it above the porch. As soon as they're done with that, the parents drive up with Joe. When he gets out of the car, Claire tries to launch herself at him but Pa stops her. Joe doesn't seem to happy to see them and who the Hell would be? I know if I saw a house with more kids than I have bras I wouldn't be too happy to stay there either. And again, I wonder what the point of bringing an old man into this fray is. Did they seriously think he'd enjoy himself? The nurses at the home told the Pikes that he gets grumpy and stuff and has a thing for germs so they bring him to a fucking zoo? Madness.
Uncle Joe continues to be such a letdown by asking to wash his hands after Claire touched them. Uh, I do this. Having kids touch me physically sickens me. They're grimier than a Walking Dead cast member. Although if Daryl wanted to hold my hand, I'd let him. Michonne too. Anyways, all the kids are stunned by the fact that not everyone finds them charming and just watch Joe and keep quiet. Maybe because I hate the Pike kids, but all I can think is thank God! Something finally shut them the Hell up! Dinner is a quiet, bland affair and Mal wonders how they'll survive having Joe around. Yes, Mal. How will your family survive being quiet and civil?!
-Song of the Day!-
Let's start with the cover:
That is not a real cat. That's a cardboard standee of a cat. It's not even looking at the girls. It's meowing/hissing at the corner. Mal's face kinda looks like the bottom of a shoe. Also I'm surprised they let her have the third book in the mystery series. Although I think they only gave her one book. However many mystery books and she got a whopping one. No surprise here really.
Chapter 1!
Mal is making dinner for the apes and rolling her 'r's when she says mozzarella to sound 'totally Italian'. Sure Mal. I'm sure you do. She also notes that she wasn't able to make tomato sauce from scratch because there wasn't time. Yes, God forbid the 11 year old doesn't make something from scratch that is easily bought when cooking for her seven million ape siblings! God, Miles, why even point that out? Are we supposed to think everything must be done as complexly as possible? That Mal is somehow lazy for not making sauce from scratch? Why not just say how she used English muffins rather than making pizza dough from scratch too? Why are you making using pre-made sauce such a big deal?! Why are even the most innocuous books so infuriating?!
After some exposition and patented Pike Family Antics, the parents come home and they have dinner. But first more exposition. Mal says she hates the way she looks and one of the things she mentions disliking is her hair. But she's already got her haircut so I don't know what she's complaining about. Either her haircut grew out and she didn't want to ask the stingy twins to go halfsies on another, or Ellen Miles doesn't know what the Hell she's doing. Take your pick.
After even more exposition (wherein Mal admits she and Jessi sometimes fetishize pretend to be horses), Pa Pike calls a family meeting. He tells them that he wrote his uncle Joe asking whether he'd like a break from his nursing home and stay at the Pike circus a few months. Uncle Joe agreed and because it's (spoiler alert!) revealed that he's suffering the first stages of Alzheimer's, it makes sense that he would agree to such an insane thing. The apes get all excited and Pa tells them to not overwhelm him. He says he's old and sometimes cranky and depressed. I kinda wonder why they want to put him through that in the first place. If I know the Pikes, it's probably to have someone entertain their kids while they got skiing or something. Although that would mean giving Mal a break and we know they hate that. Mal is a masochist who craves a life of servitude and asks whether Joe will be taking over her ape handling duties. Pa soothes her, telling her they would never consider giving up their free child care so she could have anything resembling a childhood! What a relief!
Chapter 2!
Since there absolutely nothing interesting in this chapter, I'll be offering a illustration of each member. See if you can guess who is who!
Chapter 3!
Mal is awoken by the brats by them dripping water on her. And she...tickles them. And...they all fall all over each other on her bed...giggling. It's so creepy and saccharine I just threw up a Norman Rockwell painting. The apes tell her that tomorrow is the day Joe comes and they have to get the den ready for him to stay in. John and Dee try to get them to help but they'd rather fight with each other. So, they're told to go draw pictures for Joe. In a surprising turn, they draw Ninja Turtles and Calvin and Hobbes rather than Punch and Judy or some shit. Other then John crushing on Joe's 'rugged face' and 'clear blue eyes' nothing much happens in this chapter. Except the realization that Mal got her commenting on horse nostrils from her dad.
Chapter 4!
Pa Pike is driving Mal to her new clients, the Craines and talking about Joe. I wonder if he mentioned his long, delicate fingers? He parks the car and says he's going to go meet the Craines. Mal is humiliated but remembers that K Ron said that when sitting for a new client, they should have an adult meet with them first to make sure they seem okay. Um...what?! When has she ever said this?! I can't recall a single other time a BSC member had an adult meet with a new client. Mal didn't when she met the Arnolds. Dawn didn't when she met the Hills. These seems like a pretty big detail to suddenly retcon. If it was a problem with the publishers, why not say K Ron made a new rule about it? Instead they just blatantly lie that this is something she always said. God, Ann. Hire real editors! Not slightly brain damaged chimpanzees!
I laugh like Hell because Mal worries the Craines will think she's a kid. YOU ARE!! I have a terrible memory, but I'm pretty sure I still thought I was a kid at 11. I certainly didn't want anything resembling responsibility like baby-sitting. I actually wanted to be a kid. Anyways, Mr. C meets up with them sand says his wife isn't quite ready and Mal worries Pa will start going on and on about Joe. Because it's not like a BSC member would ever go on and on about the life stories of their friends/relations. But Pa leaves after giving his okay and Mal meets the girls, Margaret(6), Sophie(4) and Katie(2). Margaret (wow it's hard not to type Magrat) says her mom is 34 and I die a little inside that I'll soon be two years older than a fictional woman.
The Craines leave and the girls explain that usually their aunt sits for them but she broke her leg. Also her name is Ellen and she's cool and rides a motorcycle. I see what you did, Miles, I see you. Miles does surprise me by giving the girls Barbie, Simpsons, and Muppet Babies sleeping bags. I'm surprised she wasn't one of those soccer moms that said the Simpsons would cause the downfall of civilization. Mal puts the girls down for a slumber party/nap, and while they're resting she hears a cat meowing. She looks around for it but finds nothing. When the girls wake up, Mal asks them about their cat and they inform her they have no cat. No cat?! What are you, savages?!
Chapter 5!
At breakfast the next day, all the apes are excited and being extra noisy. Mal says she can't hear her Rice Krispies even though she held the bowl up to her ear. Um...Do me a favour. Picture that. Picture that dork Mallory holding a bowl of cereal up to her ear and looking perplexed. Was this your reaction?
-It was mine-
Also the ape boys are...rapping. Horrendously. It's basically like the one from this only somehow more horrible. I'm pretty sure I have rabies now. Pa and Ma leave to go get Joe and Mal rallies the apes. Claire and Margo made a banner to welcome 'Jow' and the kids get busy hanging it above the porch. As soon as they're done with that, the parents drive up with Joe. When he gets out of the car, Claire tries to launch herself at him but Pa stops her. Joe doesn't seem to happy to see them and who the Hell would be? I know if I saw a house with more kids than I have bras I wouldn't be too happy to stay there either. And again, I wonder what the point of bringing an old man into this fray is. Did they seriously think he'd enjoy himself? The nurses at the home told the Pikes that he gets grumpy and stuff and has a thing for germs so they bring him to a fucking zoo? Madness.
Uncle Joe continues to be such a letdown by asking to wash his hands after Claire touched them. Uh, I do this. Having kids touch me physically sickens me. They're grimier than a Walking Dead cast member. Although if Daryl wanted to hold my hand, I'd let him. Michonne too. Anyways, all the kids are stunned by the fact that not everyone finds them charming and just watch Joe and keep quiet. Maybe because I hate the Pike kids, but all I can think is thank God! Something finally shut them the Hell up! Dinner is a quiet, bland affair and Mal wonders how they'll survive having Joe around. Yes, Mal. How will your family survive being quiet and civil?!