NEAL TIEMANN: ASK US HOW
As you may or may not have noticed, dugrival and I kind of love Dr. Neal Fucking Tiemann. Therefore, as a shameless attempt at pimping public service, we would like to bring you this ginormous (yet still SO far from comprehensive) multimedia post of reasons why YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LOVE HIM, TOO. Seriously! It's for your own good! (Note: the narrative "I" in this post is sometimes me, and it's sometimes dugrival. Fun game: guess which is which!)
Got a tasty beverage and a comfortable seat? EXCELLENT. LET'S GET STARTED.
Neal Tiemann would very much like you to believe that he is a badass. And when it comes to his guitar-playing skillz, this is absolutely the case.
Neal Tiemann, guitar god
First, some straight-up guitar porn:
And now a little contextual guitar!porn:
Wait, is David Cook in that video also, being a super-talented hotass? I HAD NOT NOTICED. Aaaanyway.
Neal can also be badass on acoustic:
This, BTW, is my favorite version of this song EVER EVER EVER, OMG I LOVE IT. And wait, is Andy Skib in that video also, being a super-talented hotass? I HAD NOT NOTICED. Oh, and yes, that is Neal singing harmony, because HE SINGS TOO. Oh, and did I mention he wrote that beautiful song they were performing, there? Yeah. MORE ON THOSE THINGS LATER.
For now, let's talk about how in addition to his actual playing, Neal has also mastered the art of Guitar God Posing, such as:
And then there's the occasional guitar-licking:
AS YOU DO. All of which periodically results in certain of his bandmates looking at him like this:
WE FEEL YOU, DAVE. WE FEEL YOU.
However, musical badassery aside, close observation--by which we mean "for more than thirty seconds"--reveals that Neal Tiemann is, in fact, a giant marshmallow. NO SERIOUSLY.
Neal Tiemann, giant marshmallow
Dear Neal, if you want us to believe that you are really a hardcore hardass, perhaps you would like to avoid looking at your bandmates with the beaming grin of bone-deep little-kid glee:
No? You'd like to just keep on being THE MOST ADORABLE BOY ALIVE?
And beaming beamily at your BFF, and singing along to his song for absolutely no reason whatsoever?
And super-enjoying your job?
And giving interviews about how you broke your hand due to teenage angst, and also how your other BFF has "a beautiful voice" and how if you were in a band competing with him, you'd quit?
And posting missives like the following on your MySpace?
aint no party like a west coast party
Current mood: drunk
So hey we're in los angeles which in spanish means a whale's vagina. Briggs, Hosty,and I have been drinking a schotch too much early times and are fretting about what I should write. hmmm....I like NYC better than LA. However, this trip has been dope so far. I just got a hold of my bestest friend curtis peoples which I'm sure will prove to be an excellent night here in the immediate future...and it's totally cool (and totally depressing in a way) to go to a city where everybody, i mean everybody, is or tries to be somebody. I mean that in the sincerest way...it's cool that all the people in this city want to be something more. It's incredibly inspiring but...anyway. A label (remaining unnamed) put us up in these sweet apartments and we've been practicing in the same place that dweezil zappa has been auditioning for rockers for his next tour. We're all in a great place and we're all dreaming of rob from upside. I hope this blog finds you well. the dude abides, N
... Well, that totally works for me, but it leaves me no other conclusion: GIANT MARSHMALLOW. Of course, it is not necessary to actually OBSERVE Neal in order to see right into his gooshy marshmallow center, because in addition to all of his other talents, the boy is a pretty fucking awesome songwriter.
Neal Tiemann, fucking awesome songwriter
Not only is Neal a fucking awesome songwriter, but he is a writer of songs that are kind of stunningly personal, which he then shoves in front of his friends to sing while he goes over to the side of the stage and does the badass guitar god thing. It is INEXPRESSIBLY ENDEARING. Such a sweet, adorkable, slightly melancholy heart this boy has--not to mention a gift for a great hook--and he can sure as hell turn a phrase. For example:
One True Thing
Quote: Just one breath that I can breathe / Just one honest, untouched scene / Just one taste of rust to show the bars to the cage are bending / Just one melody that I can really sing / After all of you've taken, can you give me this / One true thing
TELL ME THAT'S NOT A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL CHORUS. And then there's
Make Me
Holding back again / Holding like the time before and nevermore / Will I catch myself in the nets of a heartache / Aiming toward the sky / Watch the arrows fly as high as all your dreams / Hoping to claim them, fill it up with me
*SWOON* (This song, BTW, also contains the MWK fan's lament, namely "Make me fall for you / as if I had nothing else to do." Yeah, SERIOUSLY, GUYS.)
The tone of the songs ranges from awww-inducingly contemplative:
Railway Reality
I’m falling out of this railway reality / Who I’m supposed to be ain’t who I am / So, murder me for my constant lack of consistency / Who I’m supposed to be ain’t who I am
To good old fuck-you, guitar-thrashing, post-breakup anger:
Call To Arms
I show no scars from where I’ve been / Just two jaded eyes, I guess you win / This cage you locked to hold me in / Its bars of trust wore paper thin
And in fact hits those two extremes within the same album. (Also, for my money, about 3:15 to 3:20 of this song is the hottest five seconds of any MWK song, EVER. Neal shredding and Andy doing this growl/wail thing? YES PLEASE.)
But even the anger doesn't last all that long, usually, so you end up with songs like
Rearview
You'll always be the one / The one who stands dead center in my most perfect days / You'll always be the question I could have answered / Maybe if I'd stayed / You'll always be the one / You'll always be the one, the one that got away
AWWWWWWWWW. And then there's the really, devastatingly sweet and open-hearted and melancholy, such as will make you say "AWWW, NEAL" out loud in your car (um, hypothetically speaking):
(album version here)
If you want me to wait, I'll wait / If you want me to break whatever needs to break, line up your chains / If you want me to hear, I'll listen to every word you say
AWWWWWWWWWWWW, NEAL. SORRY, CAN'T TYPE, HEARTS IN MY EYES, ONE MOMENT PLEASE.
... aaaand we're back. You may have noticed that in that video above, Neal was singing. Because yes, in addition to every other fucking thing, Neal also SINGS.
Neal Tiemann, frustratingly infrequent singer
Neal sings quite well, in fact, though he is obviously ENTIRELY missing the front-man attention-loving gene (which is kind of fascinating, actually). Here he is with Nick Gibson, doing gorgeous guitar work and singing equally gorgeous harmony and also making SERIOUSLY ADORABLE FACES on a cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah":
He also sings backup from time to time on the current tour:
So, you know, that happens. Because he is an EVIL PANTY-MELTING MOTHERFUCKER. And he seems pretty okay with that, because he is also
Neal Tiemann, lover of The Ladies
No mention of Neal and ladies would be complete without at least some reference to how Neal had a long-time on-again, off-again relationship with Andy's sister Alexis, and her epic rack:
If you can stop looking at said rack long enough to process that Neal is in this picture, you may also notice that he looks all kind of mellow and happy and AWWWWWW. WE LIKE GIRLS WHO MAKE NEAL LOOK LIKE THAT. Especially if they have epic racks and could potentially be the mother of adorable babies for Dave and Andy to be adorable uncles to. AWWWWW. So, yeah. Neal/Alexis. WE SHIP THIS.
However, as far as we know Neal and Alexis aren't together currently, so Neal is free to focus on the many, many ladies with whom his job brings him in contact. Sometimes he thinks it's a little weird:
And sometimes he's all, "COME ON IN."
And sometimes, he just stands around being kind of devastatingly hot, and not really SAYING or DOING anything in particular but also VERY CLEARLY WORKING IT with, say, a girl in orange sunglasses:
(Girl, if you did not hit that, you have DISAPPOINTED US ALL, IJS.)
And sometimes he just has guitar-sex with everyone right from the stage:
Which I generally approve of, but in this case? NEAL ANDREW TIEMANN. HOW DARE YOU cheat on Dave in lieu of your regularly-scheduled Bar-ba-sol guitar sex? HDU.
Oh yeah, did we mention that Neal and Dave have regularly-scheduled guitar-sex? Yep.
Neal Tiemann, lover of his bandmates
Seriously. Guitar sex.
At first I thought they just did this because they thought it looked cool or something, and then I realized they actually do it so that their guitars feedback off each other, and the feedback becomes part of the song. Which is EVEN SLASHIER, because THEIR GUITARS ARE ACTUALLY HAVING A RELATIONSHIP. OKAY THEN. Sometimes they take the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears (or earpieces, as the case may be):
(How many clips of this song is it possible to have saved on one's hard drive, you may be wondering? LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S A LOT.)
And sometimes there's giggling:
And sometimes there's Looking:
And sometimes there's beaming, and sometimes there's leaning and hilarious faaaaace, and sometimes there's snuggling:
And sometimes there's, um, this:
And this:
(What? I don't ship this AT ALL, what do you mean?) (It's just a little difficult NOT to ship it when they not only wear matching necklaces but also have matching tattoos.)
Aaaaanyway, it's not like Dave gets ALL the love:
(Exchange on the old MWK messageboards: "Sorry ladies, Andy is gay." "With Neal." Thanks for THAT, guys. ON CHRISTMAS DAY, NO LESS.)
Neal's official job title when the band's on tour is Musical Director. Far as anyone can tell, his duties include making the setlists and playing not only HIS guitars but ALL OF THE GUITARS.
Neal may in fact be a secret control freak.
Neal Tiemann, secret control freak
For such a carefree rock and roller, Neal often dresses up quite tidy:
Note matching tie and bandana. The boy accessorizes like some kinda perfectionist.
I strongly suspect him of making this awesome t-shirt himself:
His Mastodon hoodie looks to be homemade as well. Neal's scruffy look is just as calculated as the tidy look, it seems. He had this pornstache thing going on for awhile (really shouldn't have been hot, AND YET) which was really confusing until we figured out Neal was just emulating one of the dudes in Mastodon. Because Neal's a bit of a fanboy, you see.
Neal Tiemann, geeky and dorktastic goofball
Neal's tattoos are a convenient catalog of his interests, many of them quite geeky. Things Neal loves enough to have inked permanently onto his skin include Star Trek:
And pirates:
He likes sea monsters in general:
Kurt Vonnegut:
Bjork:
Neal looooves Bjork, for real. He finds her inspiring. (Yet more geekiness at the bottom of that interview: "Don't take for granted characters in video games; they die so you don't have to.")
Neal digs zombies:
He sticks up for Canada:
Neal loves questionable cinema and horror movies, by the way. His first Tweet was the Dawn of the Dead tagline. He has a tattoo of the kid from the Shining.
Geek cred AND guitar hero cred: Dave challenging Neal to play the Super Mario Bros. theme and Neal rocking it because he is awesome.
Also, his MySpace page lists among his interests "star trek:tng (for real)", the Necronomicon, and the Inferno and Purgatorio. Yeah, Neal reads MOTHERFUCKING DANTE. Just DEAL WITH THAT for a second.
Back to the tattoos, Neal's also got one of his dog, Mr. Sixx:
Because they are Best Friends Forever. But Neal might also have a thing for turtles. I don't know, I try not to judge. (WARNING! Turtle make-out dub-con!) (...wait, what?)
I don't know what's going on around here anymore.
This post is getting a bit silly.
(That's James Hart from Burn Halo over there on the left, BTW. He loooooves him some Neal. He thinks Neal is an amazing person with a winning attitude. A WINNING ATTITUDE. I FEEL LIKE NEAL NEEDS THAT ON A T-SHIRT.)
IT'S CHAOS:
Also, ice cream trucks:
(Where he also apparently picks up more of the aforementioned ladies.)
And dinner time:
Okay, gotta try to rein this in.
Some parting words of wisdom
Neal turns philosophical on us sometimes. It's pretty unfair.
( It was.)
Playing scrabble with Neal, one might learn some new vocabulary, like ROCKMOSPHERE and that booze can be a verb as well as a noun.
You should probably just put on your drinkin' pants, grab some MWK mp3s, and head on over to Twitter, where the wonders never cease. Management claims no responsibility for negative consequences resulting from reading all of Neal's tweets at once.
OR you could watch three and a half minutes of Neal being a guitar god and smoking in slow motion and licking his guitar:
THAT WORKS TOO.
Credit where it's due: many of these things were stolen from tulsa_gangstas, cookleta_etc, and/or Fuck Yeah Neal Tiemann. If you see something of yours and would like it removed/credited, please let me know!
Got a tasty beverage and a comfortable seat? EXCELLENT. LET'S GET STARTED.
Neal Tiemann would very much like you to believe that he is a badass. And when it comes to his guitar-playing skillz, this is absolutely the case.
Neal Tiemann, guitar god
First, some straight-up guitar porn:
Click to viewAnd now a little contextual guitar!porn:
Wait, is David Cook in that video also, being a super-talented hotass? I HAD NOT NOTICED. Aaaanyway.
Neal can also be badass on acoustic:
This, BTW, is my favorite version of this song EVER EVER EVER, OMG I LOVE IT. And wait, is Andy Skib in that video also, being a super-talented hotass? I HAD NOT NOTICED. Oh, and yes, that is Neal singing harmony, because HE SINGS TOO. Oh, and did I mention he wrote that beautiful song they were performing, there? Yeah. MORE ON THOSE THINGS LATER.
For now, let's talk about how in addition to his actual playing, Neal has also mastered the art of Guitar God Posing, such as:
And then there's the occasional guitar-licking:
AS YOU DO. All of which periodically results in certain of his bandmates looking at him like this:
WE FEEL YOU, DAVE. WE FEEL YOU.
However, musical badassery aside, close observation--by which we mean "for more than thirty seconds"--reveals that Neal Tiemann is, in fact, a giant marshmallow. NO SERIOUSLY.
Neal Tiemann, giant marshmallow
Dear Neal, if you want us to believe that you are really a hardcore hardass, perhaps you would like to avoid looking at your bandmates with the beaming grin of bone-deep little-kid glee:
No? You'd like to just keep on being THE MOST ADORABLE BOY ALIVE?
And beaming beamily at your BFF, and singing along to his song for absolutely no reason whatsoever?
And super-enjoying your job?
And giving interviews about how you broke your hand due to teenage angst, and also how your other BFF has "a beautiful voice" and how if you were in a band competing with him, you'd quit?
And posting missives like the following on your MySpace?
aint no party like a west coast party
Current mood: drunk
So hey we're in los angeles which in spanish means a whale's vagina. Briggs, Hosty,and I have been drinking a schotch too much early times and are fretting about what I should write. hmmm....I like NYC better than LA. However, this trip has been dope so far. I just got a hold of my bestest friend curtis peoples which I'm sure will prove to be an excellent night here in the immediate future...and it's totally cool (and totally depressing in a way) to go to a city where everybody, i mean everybody, is or tries to be somebody. I mean that in the sincerest way...it's cool that all the people in this city want to be something more. It's incredibly inspiring but...anyway. A label (remaining unnamed) put us up in these sweet apartments and we've been practicing in the same place that dweezil zappa has been auditioning for rockers for his next tour. We're all in a great place and we're all dreaming of rob from upside. I hope this blog finds you well. the dude abides, N
... Well, that totally works for me, but it leaves me no other conclusion: GIANT MARSHMALLOW. Of course, it is not necessary to actually OBSERVE Neal in order to see right into his gooshy marshmallow center, because in addition to all of his other talents, the boy is a pretty fucking awesome songwriter.
Neal Tiemann, fucking awesome songwriter
Not only is Neal a fucking awesome songwriter, but he is a writer of songs that are kind of stunningly personal, which he then shoves in front of his friends to sing while he goes over to the side of the stage and does the badass guitar god thing. It is INEXPRESSIBLY ENDEARING. Such a sweet, adorkable, slightly melancholy heart this boy has--not to mention a gift for a great hook--and he can sure as hell turn a phrase. For example:
One True Thing
Quote: Just one breath that I can breathe / Just one honest, untouched scene / Just one taste of rust to show the bars to the cage are bending / Just one melody that I can really sing / After all of you've taken, can you give me this / One true thing
TELL ME THAT'S NOT A FUCKING BEAUTIFUL CHORUS. And then there's
Make Me
Holding back again / Holding like the time before and nevermore / Will I catch myself in the nets of a heartache / Aiming toward the sky / Watch the arrows fly as high as all your dreams / Hoping to claim them, fill it up with me
*SWOON* (This song, BTW, also contains the MWK fan's lament, namely "Make me fall for you / as if I had nothing else to do." Yeah, SERIOUSLY, GUYS.)
The tone of the songs ranges from awww-inducingly contemplative:
Railway Reality
I’m falling out of this railway reality / Who I’m supposed to be ain’t who I am / So, murder me for my constant lack of consistency / Who I’m supposed to be ain’t who I am
To good old fuck-you, guitar-thrashing, post-breakup anger:
Call To Arms
I show no scars from where I’ve been / Just two jaded eyes, I guess you win / This cage you locked to hold me in / Its bars of trust wore paper thin
And in fact hits those two extremes within the same album. (Also, for my money, about 3:15 to 3:20 of this song is the hottest five seconds of any MWK song, EVER. Neal shredding and Andy doing this growl/wail thing? YES PLEASE.)
But even the anger doesn't last all that long, usually, so you end up with songs like
Rearview
You'll always be the one / The one who stands dead center in my most perfect days / You'll always be the question I could have answered / Maybe if I'd stayed / You'll always be the one / You'll always be the one, the one that got away
AWWWWWWWWW. And then there's the really, devastatingly sweet and open-hearted and melancholy, such as will make you say "AWWW, NEAL" out loud in your car (um, hypothetically speaking):
(album version here)
If you want me to wait, I'll wait / If you want me to break whatever needs to break, line up your chains / If you want me to hear, I'll listen to every word you say
AWWWWWWWWWWWW, NEAL. SORRY, CAN'T TYPE, HEARTS IN MY EYES, ONE MOMENT PLEASE.
... aaaand we're back. You may have noticed that in that video above, Neal was singing. Because yes, in addition to every other fucking thing, Neal also SINGS.
Neal Tiemann, frustratingly infrequent singer
Neal sings quite well, in fact, though he is obviously ENTIRELY missing the front-man attention-loving gene (which is kind of fascinating, actually). Here he is with Nick Gibson, doing gorgeous guitar work and singing equally gorgeous harmony and also making SERIOUSLY ADORABLE FACES on a cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah":
He also sings backup from time to time on the current tour:
So, you know, that happens. Because he is an EVIL PANTY-MELTING MOTHERFUCKER. And he seems pretty okay with that, because he is also
Neal Tiemann, lover of The Ladies
No mention of Neal and ladies would be complete without at least some reference to how Neal had a long-time on-again, off-again relationship with Andy's sister Alexis, and her epic rack:
If you can stop looking at said rack long enough to process that Neal is in this picture, you may also notice that he looks all kind of mellow and happy and AWWWWWW. WE LIKE GIRLS WHO MAKE NEAL LOOK LIKE THAT. Especially if they have epic racks and could potentially be the mother of adorable babies for Dave and Andy to be adorable uncles to. AWWWWW. So, yeah. Neal/Alexis. WE SHIP THIS.
However, as far as we know Neal and Alexis aren't together currently, so Neal is free to focus on the many, many ladies with whom his job brings him in contact. Sometimes he thinks it's a little weird:
And sometimes he's all, "COME ON IN."
And sometimes, he just stands around being kind of devastatingly hot, and not really SAYING or DOING anything in particular but also VERY CLEARLY WORKING IT with, say, a girl in orange sunglasses:
(Girl, if you did not hit that, you have DISAPPOINTED US ALL, IJS.)
And sometimes he just has guitar-sex with everyone right from the stage:
Which I generally approve of, but in this case? NEAL ANDREW TIEMANN. HOW DARE YOU cheat on Dave in lieu of your regularly-scheduled Bar-ba-sol guitar sex? HDU.
Oh yeah, did we mention that Neal and Dave have regularly-scheduled guitar-sex? Yep.
Neal Tiemann, lover of his bandmates
Seriously. Guitar sex.
At first I thought they just did this because they thought it looked cool or something, and then I realized they actually do it so that their guitars feedback off each other, and the feedback becomes part of the song. Which is EVEN SLASHIER, because THEIR GUITARS ARE ACTUALLY HAVING A RELATIONSHIP. OKAY THEN. Sometimes they take the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings in each other's ears (or earpieces, as the case may be):
(How many clips of this song is it possible to have saved on one's hard drive, you may be wondering? LET ME TELL YOU, IT'S A LOT.)
And sometimes there's giggling:
And sometimes there's Looking:
And sometimes there's beaming, and sometimes there's leaning and hilarious faaaaace, and sometimes there's snuggling:
And sometimes there's, um, this:
And this:
(What? I don't ship this AT ALL, what do you mean?) (It's just a little difficult NOT to ship it when they not only wear matching necklaces but also have matching tattoos.)
Aaaaanyway, it's not like Dave gets ALL the love:
(Exchange on the old MWK messageboards: "Sorry ladies, Andy is gay." "With Neal." Thanks for THAT, guys. ON CHRISTMAS DAY, NO LESS.)
Neal's official job title when the band's on tour is Musical Director. Far as anyone can tell, his duties include making the setlists and playing not only HIS guitars but ALL OF THE GUITARS.
Neal may in fact be a secret control freak.
Neal Tiemann, secret control freak
For such a carefree rock and roller, Neal often dresses up quite tidy:
Note matching tie and bandana. The boy accessorizes like some kinda perfectionist.
I strongly suspect him of making this awesome t-shirt himself:
His Mastodon hoodie looks to be homemade as well. Neal's scruffy look is just as calculated as the tidy look, it seems. He had this pornstache thing going on for awhile (really shouldn't have been hot, AND YET) which was really confusing until we figured out Neal was just emulating one of the dudes in Mastodon. Because Neal's a bit of a fanboy, you see.
Neal Tiemann, geeky and dorktastic goofball
Neal's tattoos are a convenient catalog of his interests, many of them quite geeky. Things Neal loves enough to have inked permanently onto his skin include Star Trek:
And pirates:
He likes sea monsters in general:
Kurt Vonnegut:
Bjork:
Neal looooves Bjork, for real. He finds her inspiring. (Yet more geekiness at the bottom of that interview: "Don't take for granted characters in video games; they die so you don't have to.")
Neal digs zombies:
He sticks up for Canada:
Neal loves questionable cinema and horror movies, by the way. His first Tweet was the Dawn of the Dead tagline. He has a tattoo of the kid from the Shining.
Geek cred AND guitar hero cred: Dave challenging Neal to play the Super Mario Bros. theme and Neal rocking it because he is awesome.
Also, his MySpace page lists among his interests "star trek:tng (for real)", the Necronomicon, and the Inferno and Purgatorio. Yeah, Neal reads MOTHERFUCKING DANTE. Just DEAL WITH THAT for a second.
Back to the tattoos, Neal's also got one of his dog, Mr. Sixx:
Because they are Best Friends Forever. But Neal might also have a thing for turtles. I don't know, I try not to judge. (WARNING! Turtle make-out dub-con!) (...wait, what?)
I don't know what's going on around here anymore.
This post is getting a bit silly.
(That's James Hart from Burn Halo over there on the left, BTW. He loooooves him some Neal. He thinks Neal is an amazing person with a winning attitude. A WINNING ATTITUDE. I FEEL LIKE NEAL NEEDS THAT ON A T-SHIRT.)
IT'S CHAOS:
Also, ice cream trucks:
(Where he also apparently picks up more of the aforementioned ladies.)
And dinner time:
Okay, gotta try to rein this in.
Some parting words of wisdom
Neal turns philosophical on us sometimes. It's pretty unfair.
( It was.)
Playing scrabble with Neal, one might learn some new vocabulary, like ROCKMOSPHERE and that booze can be a verb as well as a noun.
You should probably just put on your drinkin' pants, grab some MWK mp3s, and head on over to Twitter, where the wonders never cease. Management claims no responsibility for negative consequences resulting from reading all of Neal's tweets at once.
OR you could watch three and a half minutes of Neal being a guitar god and smoking in slow motion and licking his guitar:
THAT WORKS TOO.
Credit where it's due: many of these things were stolen from tulsa_gangstas, cookleta_etc, and/or Fuck Yeah Neal Tiemann. If you see something of yours and would like it removed/credited, please let me know!