(no subject)
Title: Pain & Love pt5
Author: veiledndarkness
Rating: Hard R
Summary: Sometimes the one person you trust the most can turn out to be the worst person for you.
Warnings:
This is by far the most alternate universe story I've ever started. Evelyn is alive in this one but all is not well. Bobby is extremely, extremely different in this story. He is similar in many ways to his character in Four Brothers, but this is a different side of Bobby, one that isn't fully explored in the movie. This is one way Bobby might have been if they had developed his character more and made him less able to deal with problems.
Pain&Love-part1
Pain&Love-part2
Pain&Love-part3
Pain&Love-part4
oooo
Bobby practiced sitting still, his face blank, expressionless while he waited. Underneath the composed and calm face, his insides were ripping apart. Panic and intense fear, feelings he thought not to show, were now making his stomach churn. ‘This is a mistake,’ he thought miserably.
After what seemed like an eternity, the receptionist ushered him into the doctor’s room. Bobby nodded jerkily as he passed her. He still couldn’t believe that he was actually walking into another shrink’s office. He scanned the room with a practiced eye as he sat down. Mentally, he counted the degrees and diplomas on the wall.
Bobby slouched down in his chair, shoulders hunched defensively as the doctor walked into the room. She moved towards him, and stuck her hand out as she greeted him.
“Hello, Mr. Mercer. I’m glad to see you made it,” she said as she shook his reluctant hand. She moved to sit down behind her oak desk. Bobby suppressed a shudder at the memory of all the previous forced visits to many different psychiatrists.
“I’m Dr. Maureen Kerman,” she said. Bobby stared back at her, willing her to say something to piss him off so he’d have a good excuse to leave.
“I took the liberty of looking over your files from several of your other doctors, mainly to familiarize myself with your history. Before we start, is there anything you’d like to ask me?” she said, her folders spread out on her desk.
Bobby’s mind was running a mile a minute. He thought of several nasty things that would no doubt infuriate the woman. A memory of Jerry’s firm insistence that he saw this through pushed him to answer properly.
“Not really,” he mumbled.
“Fine,” she said crisply. “We both know why you’re here Bobby; I won’t patronize you with that particular question. What I would like to know, is why you’ve decided to seek help?”
Bobby shrugged awkwardly. ‘Always with the thinking questions’ he thought sourly.
“I did some things and it keeps happening,” he said softly, his eyes studying the pattern of the carpet.
“What keeps happening?” Dr. Kerman asked quietly.
“You should know!” he blurted, equally anger at himself for getting riled up and at her for asking a stupid question.
Dr. Kerman adjusted the glasses that were perched on her thin nose. “Bobby, I am aware of the circumstances that led you to me. I have spoken with Evelyn, and she informed of some of the details that might be missing from your files. However, I will be asking you questions that you might not enjoy hearing or responding to. You are a grown man, and childish behavior will not get you out of this office,” she said sternly.
Bobby struggled with the blush that wanted to flood his face. He sighed while massaging one side of his head. ‘God, I knew I shouldn’t have had that bottle of J.D last night,’ he thought tiredly. He had polished off the entire bottle of whiskey the night before, in an attempt to push the images of Jack out of his mind.
“Sorry,” he muttered sheepishly. “This isn’t easy y’know.”
Dr. Kerman’s face softened a bit. “It’s never easy, Bobby. For me to help you and Jack, I need you to speak honestly with me. No lies. And acting childish will not help you.”
She stood up and walked over to the mini fridge beside one of the bookcases. She opened it and took out a bottle before pushing it closed with one heel. Bobby lifted his sore head as she came over to him and handed him a bottle of ginger ale.
“Here, this might help with your hangover,” she said as she walked back to her desk.
‘How did she...’ Bobby stared at her, a confused look on his face.
“Yes, I’m aware that you are hung-over Bobby. You really must give me more credit than that. I’ve been working for this charity for twenty years now,” Dr. Kerman said with just a trace of a smirk on her lips.
Bobby tilted the bottle to her in a cheer. He opened it and took a large gulp. It burned on the way down. Dr. Kerman waited patiently, allowing Bobby to finish half the bottle before she resumed speaking.
“As you were saying, something happens in you? Could you describe the feeling maybe?” she asked.
Bobby frowned. “It’s like a warm, buzzing feeling in my hands. And it gets dark. Shit, I don’t know, I lose myself, and when I blink it’s over and Jack’s...” he trailed off.
“I hurt him,” he said quietly. “This time was the worst one.”
Dr. Kerman nodded. “I heard the details from Evelyn. Do you ever stop to consider why you are so angry?”
Bobby stiffened. “I got my reasons,” he snapped at her. She remained unruffled.
“I’m sure you do. Any examples?” she asked, her tilted slightly to the side.
“A fucked up childhood maybe? Hmm, how about the fact that no one actually gave two shits about me until Ma decided to keep me?” he snarled.
“God only knows why,” he added a moment later.
Dr. Kerman studied Bobby silently. After a moment she blinked and made a quick note in her folder. “Evelyn was the first person to treat you kindly,” she said.
“Yeah,” Bobby replied. “No one ever cared about kids like me. Fuck ‘em all, that’s what I say.”
“And why do you think Evelyn cares so much for you?” she asked.
Bobby blew out a breath. “I really don’t know. She loves all the kids, wants to help them all. Even the ones that don’t deserve it.”
Dr. Kerman raised an eyebrow. “Do you think that you were one of those kids Bobby?”
“No!” he yelled. Bobby’s face began to pale as the false lie echoed loudly in the room.
“Yes,” he whispered. “Wastes her time on guys like me.”
“I doubt Evelyn feels that way. You are her son, not by blood, but by love Bobby. That’s something that you need to face,” Dr. Kerman said as she sat back in her chair. She folded her arms loosely.
Bobby made a rude sound. He finished the rest of his ginger ale and suppressed a burp. He stared back at the doctor, wishing he knew what she was thinking. He sighed.
“Look, I know Ma loves me, and all that shit, for whatever reason. She tells me all the time that she loves all of us. I just think she tries too hard. You know what I mean?” he asked.
Dr. Kerman made a ‘hmm’ sound. “Spreads herself too thin? Is that it?” she said.
Bobby shrugged. “Guess so. My Ma’s the hardest workin’ lady in the area. And she helps so many people. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m sayin’.”
“Are you thinking that ‘guys like you’ are a problem for her?” she suggested gently.
Bobby pushed as hard as he could, but the red flush still made its way to his neck. “She never gave up on me, not even now. I think she might have been better off without havin’ me around to fuck things up. She’s always there, tryin’ to save my ass from myself,” he mumbled.
Dr. Kerman consulted her notes again. “I see here that you came into Evelyn’s care when you were 13. What was it like for you?”
Bobby rubbed one hand wearily over his face. “Man, it was somethin’ else.”
Dr. Kerman waited silently. Bobby sighed again. “You gotta see it from a fuck up like me. She’s kind without over doing it, thoughtful and smart. She has a way of making you feel like you’ve always been there, makes you feel like none of the bad shit ever happened, like maybe you just dreamed all the pain up.”
“I tried to hurt her, show her how badly she messed up takin’ me in. It didn’t work” he said with a grim smile.
“She loved me, even if I didn’t want her to. Then she brought home other guys, guys just as fucked as me. And it worked, don’t know how, but it worked. And then, then she brought Jack,” Bobby stopped talking for a moment.
He swallowed hard. Dr. Kerman waited a beat before speaking. “Tell me about Jack,” she said.
“Jack’s…” he stumbled a bit, his throat still thick. “He brings out the urge to protect him. He’s taller than me for fuck’s sake, and I still get this urge to scoop him up somehow and keep him safe. I saw him that first day, and I felt all itchy inside. It took me six years before I could face the fact that the love I had for him was more than the brotherly type.”
Dr. Kerman nodded encouragingly. Bobby glanced over at her, hidden fear emerging on his face.
“It kinda messed me up, y’know, Jack’s my brother and all, well not my real brother but, uh…” he stuttered.
Dr. Kerman smiled reassuringly at him. “It’s alright Bobby, I’m not here to judge you. Your relationship with Jack is not wrong or dirty. Never mind those who think otherwise.”
Bobby shrugged uncomfortably. “It ain’t wrong to me; it’s just hard to explain ok?”
“I know, Bobby. Please continue,” she said.
“Jack is so…” he trailed off. He mumbled something inaudible.
“Pardon?” she asked with a small grin on her face.
“He’s beautiful,” Bobby said softly. Dr. Kerman smiled at him.
They talked for a few more minutes, until Dr. Kerman glanced at her watch.
“I’m sorry Bobby, but our time is almost up for today. Thank you again for being so prompt. I’ll have Brenda arrange another appointment for you,” she said.
Bobby stifled a groan. He’d known that he’d have to come back, but hearing it made it all the more depressing. He stood up and waited for the doctor.
“I believe we actually made some headway today. For now, I’d like you to focus on controlling your breathing when you feel upset. I see that this has been recommended to you before,” Dr. Kerman looked over her glasses at Bobby, making him feel like a child in the principal’s office again.
Bobby nodded. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” he said warily.
“Good. I’d like you to try doing some simple breathing exercises whenever you feel your temper rising. Brenda will have the print-outs for you,” Dr. Kerman said as they walked to the door.
“I’ll see you in a few days,” she said. Bobby waved half-heartedly as he went over to the reception desk, his mind running ahead of him once again. He still had the disaster of the apartment to clean.
oooo
Bobby stared. The apartment seemed so...destroyed. He shook his head sadly. Even with the destruction in front of him, Bobby still found it hard to believe that he’d been so out of control. He sat down heavily on the relatively unharmed couch with a sigh. He could only stare at the mess he’d created. His eyelids heavy, he slid down the couch until he was lying down lengthwise. As he slipped off to sleep, he thought of Jack, and of Dr. Kerman’s patient questions.
Some time later, Bobby was startled out of a deep sleep by the sound of an apartment door slamming shut. He jerked his head up, blinking rapidly in the darkness of the room. Squinting, he saw Evelyn step towards him. He swallowed dryly as the long buried need to grab his mother and cry surged forward.
Evelyn stood rigidly in the room, her breathing even and calm, her eyes cool and face relaxed. Bobby tensed slightly when she opened her mouth to speak. He wanted to turn away, to cover his ears rather than face her right then.
“I spoke with Angel yesterday. While we were out together, I had him pick up Jack’s prescriptions and run a few errands. When I met with him again, he told me that you had gone on a rampage,” she said, disappointment heavy in her voice.
Evelyn glanced around the room, taking in the broken glass, the torn books, shattered plates. She turned back to Bobby, her face serious. Bobby made to stand up. Evelyn stopped him, merely by the sadness in her eyes.
“I didn’t want to believe him. I knew it must be true, and yet there I was instinctively rejecting the truth,” she said.
“I know you’re seeing Maureen. I’m very proud of you for going through with the counseling,” she added as she stepped closer to Bobby.
Bobby shrugged. “Jerry convinced me that I need it. No reason to be proud, Ma.”
Evelyn sat down beside Bobby and gently pulled one of his reluctant hands into her lap. She wrapped her small hand around his and stroked the skin by his wrist. Bobby shuddered as the familiar soothing motion brought forth the memory of the first time that he’d been actually expelled from a school, rather than just suspended. That night, Bobby had set fire to his textbooks in a rage, almost burning down his bedroom and himself before Angel had broken the door down in time.
That evening, Evelyn had pulled Bobby close, stroked his rough hands and held him tight as he fought against her, fought the comfort that she offered. In the end, he’d given up the instinctive desire to hurt her and had taken the love that she gave. Bobby swallowed against the heavy lump in his throat as her simple presence brought down his walls.
“Oh, Bobby,” she said as he made a strained sound. Bobby shuddered hard again as he felt the tears burn his eyes, as the urge to throw himself at her and just let her love wash over him grew stronger.
He sniffed hard, his fingers shaking slightly. “I need help Ma. Dr. Kerman’s ok, I guess. She’s kinda like you,” he mumbled.
Evelyn nodded. “Good. She’s had plenty of experience. We’ve worked together for a long time. She helped me when I needed it the most.”
Bobby blinked back a few tears that were close to escaping. “What? What happened to you?”
Evelyn sighed quietly. She looked down at their clasped hands for a moment before she caught Bobby’s eyes again.
“Maureen and I knew each other from the hospital. She was volunteering, and...I was a patient,” she said.
Bobby’s eyes widened. “Why were you...a patient?” he stumbled over his words.
Evelyn looked away for a moment, seemingly staring off at nothing. She began to speak again.
“I was very much in love with a young man many years ago. We were engaged for about six months before I caught the first glimpse of what he was capable of. Imagine my surprise when I saw him explode on me for the first time,” she chuckled darkly.
“Right before my very eyes, he’d changed into someone that I didn’t recognize. A screaming, raging manic who’d become dangerous and unstable at the slightest thing. I was so afraid, terribly afraid. And yet, I just couldn’t leave him,” Evelyn said calmly.
Bobby’s left hand began to tingle. He looked down in alarm to see himself forming a fist. The tingle spread up his arm, and he felt the familiar hot flash as his anger grew. ‘Someone hurt my mother,’ his mind chanted.
Bobby began to gasp as his chest tightened. He struggled to pull his hands loose from Evelyn’s grip.
“Bobby!” he distantly heard a voice yell by his ear. He reared back, his whole body shaking with need to hurt, to inflict pain, to kill.
Bobby twitched as his mother’s face swam back into focus in front of him, her face pale with worry. He sat down, his legs giving out from under him. He dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking faintly.
Evelyn pulled Bobby to her and held him tightly. He fought at first, pulling back, mumbling angrily. She ignored the protests and held him close, humming gently in a way that had never failed to comfort any of her boys. Bobby rested against her, his body tense with anger as he felt her hands skim over his head soothingly, smoothing his hair. They sat in silence for a few moments before Bobby had relaxed slightly.
“I did leave him eventually. I ended up in the hospital one night, after he had come over to surprise me for my birthday. We quarreled over something small, I can hardly remember after all these years what the fight was about now. He snapped, and when I woke up, I was in the intensive care unit,” she said, starting her story as though they hadn’t been interrupted.
“During my stay I met Maureen. She helped me through the worst of the first few days. She never gave up, and I really do believe that it’s because of her that I was able to move on,” Evelyn said with a sad smile.
Bobby sighed. “How can you be so calm? He hurt you!” he growled as the rage rose briefly.
“What’s done is done Bobby. He was killed in a bar fight about ten years ago,” Evelyn murmured.
“I let go of my own anger at him and at myself a long time ago,” she added.
Bobby blinked. “Why would you be angry at yourself?” he asked.
“Oh, many things. I was angry for not realizing just what kind of person he was. All the signs were there, I just didn’t want to see them. And for the fact that even when he hurt me a few times before my hospital stay, that I didn’t face the facts, and leave. I loved him too much to go, and I thought that love was enough, that maybe if I loved him enough, that he would change,” Evelyn said.
She ran her hands over his shoulders, a calming gesture that he recognized from when he was still an angry young teen. Bobby felt a stab of guilt in his chest as he realized how much he had in common with his mother’s abuser.
“I’m a monster,” he said softly. The guilty feeling exploded. Bobby felt like someone was sitting on his throat.
Evelyn shook her head. “You’re not a monster Bobby. You do have a problem, and you’re trying hard to help change what you’ve become. That’s so important and it’s why I’m so proud of you. The only way to heal is to deal with this head on.”
Bobby wiped a stray tear away from his eye. He kept seeing visions of Jack cowering from him. As his mother hummed to him in the middle of the destroyed apartment, he vowed firmly to himself that he would succeed, that he would never let his anger get the better of him.
oooo
Evelyn and Bobby sat together on the couch for some time, both absorbing the strained silence and unspoken words. After what seemed like an eternity, Evelyn stood up and glanced around the apartment. She faced Bobby with a faint smile.
“Well, the first thing we need to do is get this apartment back into shape,” she said.
Bobby winced at the looming mess, mentally tallying up the number of things that he would need to replace. He said helplessly, “I don’t even know where to start Ma.”
Evelyn nodded. It did seem overwhelming. She pulled one of his hands, gesturing for him to follow her. Bobby got to his feet reluctantly. “First things first, we’ll gather some bags for sorting, and a box for the broken items. Where do you keep your garbage bags?” she asked as she walked to the kitchen, sidestepping the shelving unit on the floor.
Bobby rubbed his neck thoughtfully. “I think Jack keeps them in the hall closet or maybe in one of the drawers beside the stove.”
Evelyn rifled through the drawers, noting how organized everything was. ‘Looks like my years of teaching Jack to be neat in the kitchen paid off,’ she thought with a touch of pride.
She found the garbage bags in the last drawer, neatly stacked with twist-ties beside them. Evelyn tossed two bags at Bobby before closing the drawer. “Here, one’s for paper, the others for garbage in general.”
Bobby followed behind her as she moved back into the living room where the worst of the damage was. She surveyed the room then pointed to the mess of magazines and books on the floor.
“You can start by sorting out the magazines and picking up all the loose papers. Try to keep things separate,” she said. “I’ll start with the bathroom.”
Bobby picked up the loose papers and sorted it into two piles, one of ripped books, the other a stack of Jack’s writings and lyrics, music notes and whatnot. A feeling of immense relief began to wash over Bobby as he cleared the floor of the debris. After he straightened the couch and chair to their normal positions, he then picked up some of the shards of glass from the pictures frames. He stopped for a moment, hearing a faint sound from the bathroom.
He listened hard, only to realize that Evelyn was humming under her breath while she cleaned the bathroom. Bobby ignored the prickles of guilt that he felt and continued picking up the broken glass carefully. He next began to sort the pictures that been ripped from their frames. Bobby gave a silent prayer of thanks that in his rage he had not destroyed the pictures themselves. He piled them on the table beside all the papers, going through the photos one by one.
He smiled grimly at the memories that each picture gave him. The broken frames went into the bags. Finally the living room was looking much more like normal. Bobby went in search for the broom to sweep up the remaining glass. As he came back with the broom in hand, Evelyn came out of the bathroom, pulling her rubber gloves off.
She looked around the room before smiling warmly at Bobby. “This looks wonderful Bobby. Hmm, still need to fix that bookshelf though. Here let me help you,” she said as she went to the other side of the bookcase that Bobby was lifting. Together they raised it and propped it back against the wall. It looked so empty. Bobby sighed sadly before putting some of the unharmed books back on the shelves.
Evelyn pulled him close and gave him a quick hug. “It’s alright Bobby. You’re doing just fine. Now, I’ve cleaned the bathroom completely top to bottom. We’ll need to pick up some drywall mix, and some new picture frames but other than that, the apartment is already looking better.”
Bobby shrugged. “Still got the bedroom and kitchen though,” he muttered.
“Well I’ll take care of the kitchen. Why don’t you pick up all the clothes from the bedroom while I do that?” she said gently before nudging him towards the hall.
Bobby walked to the room like his feet were made from lead. The bedroom was the last place that he wanted to be. He knew what was waiting. He opened the door slowly, all the while chiding himself for being scared.
‘Ooh big man now aren’t ya? Face up to your shit, you did it, and you know it, whatcha scared of, eh tough guy?’ his inner voice mocked him ruthlessly.
“Shut up,” he whispered harshly, forcing himself to step into the room. The broken guitar lay on the bed accusingly. Bobby tore his eyes away from it, turned his back to the bed and began picking up the clothes.
He hung the shirts back up; inhaling lightly as he reverently placed each of Jack’s shirts back on the closet rack. Bobby would never admit out loud that he loved the way Jack’s particular scent always clung to his clothing even after being washed.
With all the clothes hung up, Bobby continued to avoid looking at the bed. He picked up the remaining magazines and notebooks, sorting them quickly before bringing them over to the small white bookshelf in the corner. Finally, there was nothing else left but the bed. He turned to face it, a cold sweat breaking out on his face and neck.
Bobby swallowed roughly as he stepped closer to the bed. He could hear Jerry’s accusing words echoing in his head, could see the memory of Jack shyly playing a song that he had written just for Bobby. He clutched his head in agony as his headache doubled in pain. He groaned loudly before sitting on the bed.
Evelyn stepped into the room, her arms folded as she leaned against the doorframe. She gazed at the room, nodding in satisfaction at the clean floor. She eyed the guitar on the bed.
“Bobby?” she called out quietly.
He lifted his head slightly wincing as the pain increased the moment he moved. “Yeah Ma?”
“I’ve finished the kitchen. Everything’s sorted and organized. Would you like to come with me?” she asked.
“To where?” he asked, hating the sound of worry in his voice.
“To the house,” she said. “For dinner,” she added a moment later.
Bobby’s mouth hung open. Feeling foolish, he closed it with a snap. “To the house. Your house?” he stuttered.
Evelyn looked over at Bobby and slowly nodded her head. “Yes to the house. I’d like you to join us for dinner.”
“But Jack, and...what?” he said, groping for the right words. “I’m confused.”
“I know you want to see him, I can understand. But it will be on my terms Bobby, remember that. I love you both, and I want you to be there tonight. The healing has to start somewhere. Now, I want you to go take a shower, and try to relax,” she said firmly.
Bobby stared at his feet. “Alright,” he agreed in a small voice. Evelyn suppressed a sigh as Bobby walked by her. He seemed so different than usual, so empty of his usual bravado and sneer. A part of her missed the old Bobby.
Author: veiledndarkness
Rating: Hard R
Summary: Sometimes the one person you trust the most can turn out to be the worst person for you.
Warnings:
This is by far the most alternate universe story I've ever started. Evelyn is alive in this one but all is not well. Bobby is extremely, extremely different in this story. He is similar in many ways to his character in Four Brothers, but this is a different side of Bobby, one that isn't fully explored in the movie. This is one way Bobby might have been if they had developed his character more and made him less able to deal with problems.
Pain&Love-part1
Pain&Love-part2
Pain&Love-part3
Pain&Love-part4
oooo
Bobby practiced sitting still, his face blank, expressionless while he waited. Underneath the composed and calm face, his insides were ripping apart. Panic and intense fear, feelings he thought not to show, were now making his stomach churn. ‘This is a mistake,’ he thought miserably.
After what seemed like an eternity, the receptionist ushered him into the doctor’s room. Bobby nodded jerkily as he passed her. He still couldn’t believe that he was actually walking into another shrink’s office. He scanned the room with a practiced eye as he sat down. Mentally, he counted the degrees and diplomas on the wall.
Bobby slouched down in his chair, shoulders hunched defensively as the doctor walked into the room. She moved towards him, and stuck her hand out as she greeted him.
“Hello, Mr. Mercer. I’m glad to see you made it,” she said as she shook his reluctant hand. She moved to sit down behind her oak desk. Bobby suppressed a shudder at the memory of all the previous forced visits to many different psychiatrists.
“I’m Dr. Maureen Kerman,” she said. Bobby stared back at her, willing her to say something to piss him off so he’d have a good excuse to leave.
“I took the liberty of looking over your files from several of your other doctors, mainly to familiarize myself with your history. Before we start, is there anything you’d like to ask me?” she said, her folders spread out on her desk.
Bobby’s mind was running a mile a minute. He thought of several nasty things that would no doubt infuriate the woman. A memory of Jerry’s firm insistence that he saw this through pushed him to answer properly.
“Not really,” he mumbled.
“Fine,” she said crisply. “We both know why you’re here Bobby; I won’t patronize you with that particular question. What I would like to know, is why you’ve decided to seek help?”
Bobby shrugged awkwardly. ‘Always with the thinking questions’ he thought sourly.
“I did some things and it keeps happening,” he said softly, his eyes studying the pattern of the carpet.
“What keeps happening?” Dr. Kerman asked quietly.
“You should know!” he blurted, equally anger at himself for getting riled up and at her for asking a stupid question.
Dr. Kerman adjusted the glasses that were perched on her thin nose. “Bobby, I am aware of the circumstances that led you to me. I have spoken with Evelyn, and she informed of some of the details that might be missing from your files. However, I will be asking you questions that you might not enjoy hearing or responding to. You are a grown man, and childish behavior will not get you out of this office,” she said sternly.
Bobby struggled with the blush that wanted to flood his face. He sighed while massaging one side of his head. ‘God, I knew I shouldn’t have had that bottle of J.D last night,’ he thought tiredly. He had polished off the entire bottle of whiskey the night before, in an attempt to push the images of Jack out of his mind.
“Sorry,” he muttered sheepishly. “This isn’t easy y’know.”
Dr. Kerman’s face softened a bit. “It’s never easy, Bobby. For me to help you and Jack, I need you to speak honestly with me. No lies. And acting childish will not help you.”
She stood up and walked over to the mini fridge beside one of the bookcases. She opened it and took out a bottle before pushing it closed with one heel. Bobby lifted his sore head as she came over to him and handed him a bottle of ginger ale.
“Here, this might help with your hangover,” she said as she walked back to her desk.
‘How did she...’ Bobby stared at her, a confused look on his face.
“Yes, I’m aware that you are hung-over Bobby. You really must give me more credit than that. I’ve been working for this charity for twenty years now,” Dr. Kerman said with just a trace of a smirk on her lips.
Bobby tilted the bottle to her in a cheer. He opened it and took a large gulp. It burned on the way down. Dr. Kerman waited patiently, allowing Bobby to finish half the bottle before she resumed speaking.
“As you were saying, something happens in you? Could you describe the feeling maybe?” she asked.
Bobby frowned. “It’s like a warm, buzzing feeling in my hands. And it gets dark. Shit, I don’t know, I lose myself, and when I blink it’s over and Jack’s...” he trailed off.
“I hurt him,” he said quietly. “This time was the worst one.”
Dr. Kerman nodded. “I heard the details from Evelyn. Do you ever stop to consider why you are so angry?”
Bobby stiffened. “I got my reasons,” he snapped at her. She remained unruffled.
“I’m sure you do. Any examples?” she asked, her tilted slightly to the side.
“A fucked up childhood maybe? Hmm, how about the fact that no one actually gave two shits about me until Ma decided to keep me?” he snarled.
“God only knows why,” he added a moment later.
Dr. Kerman studied Bobby silently. After a moment she blinked and made a quick note in her folder. “Evelyn was the first person to treat you kindly,” she said.
“Yeah,” Bobby replied. “No one ever cared about kids like me. Fuck ‘em all, that’s what I say.”
“And why do you think Evelyn cares so much for you?” she asked.
Bobby blew out a breath. “I really don’t know. She loves all the kids, wants to help them all. Even the ones that don’t deserve it.”
Dr. Kerman raised an eyebrow. “Do you think that you were one of those kids Bobby?”
“No!” he yelled. Bobby’s face began to pale as the false lie echoed loudly in the room.
“Yes,” he whispered. “Wastes her time on guys like me.”
“I doubt Evelyn feels that way. You are her son, not by blood, but by love Bobby. That’s something that you need to face,” Dr. Kerman said as she sat back in her chair. She folded her arms loosely.
Bobby made a rude sound. He finished the rest of his ginger ale and suppressed a burp. He stared back at the doctor, wishing he knew what she was thinking. He sighed.
“Look, I know Ma loves me, and all that shit, for whatever reason. She tells me all the time that she loves all of us. I just think she tries too hard. You know what I mean?” he asked.
Dr. Kerman made a ‘hmm’ sound. “Spreads herself too thin? Is that it?” she said.
Bobby shrugged. “Guess so. My Ma’s the hardest workin’ lady in the area. And she helps so many people. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m sayin’.”
“Are you thinking that ‘guys like you’ are a problem for her?” she suggested gently.
Bobby pushed as hard as he could, but the red flush still made its way to his neck. “She never gave up on me, not even now. I think she might have been better off without havin’ me around to fuck things up. She’s always there, tryin’ to save my ass from myself,” he mumbled.
Dr. Kerman consulted her notes again. “I see here that you came into Evelyn’s care when you were 13. What was it like for you?”
Bobby rubbed one hand wearily over his face. “Man, it was somethin’ else.”
Dr. Kerman waited silently. Bobby sighed again. “You gotta see it from a fuck up like me. She’s kind without over doing it, thoughtful and smart. She has a way of making you feel like you’ve always been there, makes you feel like none of the bad shit ever happened, like maybe you just dreamed all the pain up.”
“I tried to hurt her, show her how badly she messed up takin’ me in. It didn’t work” he said with a grim smile.
“She loved me, even if I didn’t want her to. Then she brought home other guys, guys just as fucked as me. And it worked, don’t know how, but it worked. And then, then she brought Jack,” Bobby stopped talking for a moment.
He swallowed hard. Dr. Kerman waited a beat before speaking. “Tell me about Jack,” she said.
“Jack’s…” he stumbled a bit, his throat still thick. “He brings out the urge to protect him. He’s taller than me for fuck’s sake, and I still get this urge to scoop him up somehow and keep him safe. I saw him that first day, and I felt all itchy inside. It took me six years before I could face the fact that the love I had for him was more than the brotherly type.”
Dr. Kerman nodded encouragingly. Bobby glanced over at her, hidden fear emerging on his face.
“It kinda messed me up, y’know, Jack’s my brother and all, well not my real brother but, uh…” he stuttered.
Dr. Kerman smiled reassuringly at him. “It’s alright Bobby, I’m not here to judge you. Your relationship with Jack is not wrong or dirty. Never mind those who think otherwise.”
Bobby shrugged uncomfortably. “It ain’t wrong to me; it’s just hard to explain ok?”
“I know, Bobby. Please continue,” she said.
“Jack is so…” he trailed off. He mumbled something inaudible.
“Pardon?” she asked with a small grin on her face.
“He’s beautiful,” Bobby said softly. Dr. Kerman smiled at him.
They talked for a few more minutes, until Dr. Kerman glanced at her watch.
“I’m sorry Bobby, but our time is almost up for today. Thank you again for being so prompt. I’ll have Brenda arrange another appointment for you,” she said.
Bobby stifled a groan. He’d known that he’d have to come back, but hearing it made it all the more depressing. He stood up and waited for the doctor.
“I believe we actually made some headway today. For now, I’d like you to focus on controlling your breathing when you feel upset. I see that this has been recommended to you before,” Dr. Kerman looked over her glasses at Bobby, making him feel like a child in the principal’s office again.
Bobby nodded. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” he said warily.
“Good. I’d like you to try doing some simple breathing exercises whenever you feel your temper rising. Brenda will have the print-outs for you,” Dr. Kerman said as they walked to the door.
“I’ll see you in a few days,” she said. Bobby waved half-heartedly as he went over to the reception desk, his mind running ahead of him once again. He still had the disaster of the apartment to clean.
oooo
Bobby stared. The apartment seemed so...destroyed. He shook his head sadly. Even with the destruction in front of him, Bobby still found it hard to believe that he’d been so out of control. He sat down heavily on the relatively unharmed couch with a sigh. He could only stare at the mess he’d created. His eyelids heavy, he slid down the couch until he was lying down lengthwise. As he slipped off to sleep, he thought of Jack, and of Dr. Kerman’s patient questions.
Some time later, Bobby was startled out of a deep sleep by the sound of an apartment door slamming shut. He jerked his head up, blinking rapidly in the darkness of the room. Squinting, he saw Evelyn step towards him. He swallowed dryly as the long buried need to grab his mother and cry surged forward.
Evelyn stood rigidly in the room, her breathing even and calm, her eyes cool and face relaxed. Bobby tensed slightly when she opened her mouth to speak. He wanted to turn away, to cover his ears rather than face her right then.
“I spoke with Angel yesterday. While we were out together, I had him pick up Jack’s prescriptions and run a few errands. When I met with him again, he told me that you had gone on a rampage,” she said, disappointment heavy in her voice.
Evelyn glanced around the room, taking in the broken glass, the torn books, shattered plates. She turned back to Bobby, her face serious. Bobby made to stand up. Evelyn stopped him, merely by the sadness in her eyes.
“I didn’t want to believe him. I knew it must be true, and yet there I was instinctively rejecting the truth,” she said.
“I know you’re seeing Maureen. I’m very proud of you for going through with the counseling,” she added as she stepped closer to Bobby.
Bobby shrugged. “Jerry convinced me that I need it. No reason to be proud, Ma.”
Evelyn sat down beside Bobby and gently pulled one of his reluctant hands into her lap. She wrapped her small hand around his and stroked the skin by his wrist. Bobby shuddered as the familiar soothing motion brought forth the memory of the first time that he’d been actually expelled from a school, rather than just suspended. That night, Bobby had set fire to his textbooks in a rage, almost burning down his bedroom and himself before Angel had broken the door down in time.
That evening, Evelyn had pulled Bobby close, stroked his rough hands and held him tight as he fought against her, fought the comfort that she offered. In the end, he’d given up the instinctive desire to hurt her and had taken the love that she gave. Bobby swallowed against the heavy lump in his throat as her simple presence brought down his walls.
“Oh, Bobby,” she said as he made a strained sound. Bobby shuddered hard again as he felt the tears burn his eyes, as the urge to throw himself at her and just let her love wash over him grew stronger.
He sniffed hard, his fingers shaking slightly. “I need help Ma. Dr. Kerman’s ok, I guess. She’s kinda like you,” he mumbled.
Evelyn nodded. “Good. She’s had plenty of experience. We’ve worked together for a long time. She helped me when I needed it the most.”
Bobby blinked back a few tears that were close to escaping. “What? What happened to you?”
Evelyn sighed quietly. She looked down at their clasped hands for a moment before she caught Bobby’s eyes again.
“Maureen and I knew each other from the hospital. She was volunteering, and...I was a patient,” she said.
Bobby’s eyes widened. “Why were you...a patient?” he stumbled over his words.
Evelyn looked away for a moment, seemingly staring off at nothing. She began to speak again.
“I was very much in love with a young man many years ago. We were engaged for about six months before I caught the first glimpse of what he was capable of. Imagine my surprise when I saw him explode on me for the first time,” she chuckled darkly.
“Right before my very eyes, he’d changed into someone that I didn’t recognize. A screaming, raging manic who’d become dangerous and unstable at the slightest thing. I was so afraid, terribly afraid. And yet, I just couldn’t leave him,” Evelyn said calmly.
Bobby’s left hand began to tingle. He looked down in alarm to see himself forming a fist. The tingle spread up his arm, and he felt the familiar hot flash as his anger grew. ‘Someone hurt my mother,’ his mind chanted.
Bobby began to gasp as his chest tightened. He struggled to pull his hands loose from Evelyn’s grip.
“Bobby!” he distantly heard a voice yell by his ear. He reared back, his whole body shaking with need to hurt, to inflict pain, to kill.
Bobby twitched as his mother’s face swam back into focus in front of him, her face pale with worry. He sat down, his legs giving out from under him. He dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders shaking faintly.
Evelyn pulled Bobby to her and held him tightly. He fought at first, pulling back, mumbling angrily. She ignored the protests and held him close, humming gently in a way that had never failed to comfort any of her boys. Bobby rested against her, his body tense with anger as he felt her hands skim over his head soothingly, smoothing his hair. They sat in silence for a few moments before Bobby had relaxed slightly.
“I did leave him eventually. I ended up in the hospital one night, after he had come over to surprise me for my birthday. We quarreled over something small, I can hardly remember after all these years what the fight was about now. He snapped, and when I woke up, I was in the intensive care unit,” she said, starting her story as though they hadn’t been interrupted.
“During my stay I met Maureen. She helped me through the worst of the first few days. She never gave up, and I really do believe that it’s because of her that I was able to move on,” Evelyn said with a sad smile.
Bobby sighed. “How can you be so calm? He hurt you!” he growled as the rage rose briefly.
“What’s done is done Bobby. He was killed in a bar fight about ten years ago,” Evelyn murmured.
“I let go of my own anger at him and at myself a long time ago,” she added.
Bobby blinked. “Why would you be angry at yourself?” he asked.
“Oh, many things. I was angry for not realizing just what kind of person he was. All the signs were there, I just didn’t want to see them. And for the fact that even when he hurt me a few times before my hospital stay, that I didn’t face the facts, and leave. I loved him too much to go, and I thought that love was enough, that maybe if I loved him enough, that he would change,” Evelyn said.
She ran her hands over his shoulders, a calming gesture that he recognized from when he was still an angry young teen. Bobby felt a stab of guilt in his chest as he realized how much he had in common with his mother’s abuser.
“I’m a monster,” he said softly. The guilty feeling exploded. Bobby felt like someone was sitting on his throat.
Evelyn shook her head. “You’re not a monster Bobby. You do have a problem, and you’re trying hard to help change what you’ve become. That’s so important and it’s why I’m so proud of you. The only way to heal is to deal with this head on.”
Bobby wiped a stray tear away from his eye. He kept seeing visions of Jack cowering from him. As his mother hummed to him in the middle of the destroyed apartment, he vowed firmly to himself that he would succeed, that he would never let his anger get the better of him.
oooo
Evelyn and Bobby sat together on the couch for some time, both absorbing the strained silence and unspoken words. After what seemed like an eternity, Evelyn stood up and glanced around the apartment. She faced Bobby with a faint smile.
“Well, the first thing we need to do is get this apartment back into shape,” she said.
Bobby winced at the looming mess, mentally tallying up the number of things that he would need to replace. He said helplessly, “I don’t even know where to start Ma.”
Evelyn nodded. It did seem overwhelming. She pulled one of his hands, gesturing for him to follow her. Bobby got to his feet reluctantly. “First things first, we’ll gather some bags for sorting, and a box for the broken items. Where do you keep your garbage bags?” she asked as she walked to the kitchen, sidestepping the shelving unit on the floor.
Bobby rubbed his neck thoughtfully. “I think Jack keeps them in the hall closet or maybe in one of the drawers beside the stove.”
Evelyn rifled through the drawers, noting how organized everything was. ‘Looks like my years of teaching Jack to be neat in the kitchen paid off,’ she thought with a touch of pride.
She found the garbage bags in the last drawer, neatly stacked with twist-ties beside them. Evelyn tossed two bags at Bobby before closing the drawer. “Here, one’s for paper, the others for garbage in general.”
Bobby followed behind her as she moved back into the living room where the worst of the damage was. She surveyed the room then pointed to the mess of magazines and books on the floor.
“You can start by sorting out the magazines and picking up all the loose papers. Try to keep things separate,” she said. “I’ll start with the bathroom.”
Bobby picked up the loose papers and sorted it into two piles, one of ripped books, the other a stack of Jack’s writings and lyrics, music notes and whatnot. A feeling of immense relief began to wash over Bobby as he cleared the floor of the debris. After he straightened the couch and chair to their normal positions, he then picked up some of the shards of glass from the pictures frames. He stopped for a moment, hearing a faint sound from the bathroom.
He listened hard, only to realize that Evelyn was humming under her breath while she cleaned the bathroom. Bobby ignored the prickles of guilt that he felt and continued picking up the broken glass carefully. He next began to sort the pictures that been ripped from their frames. Bobby gave a silent prayer of thanks that in his rage he had not destroyed the pictures themselves. He piled them on the table beside all the papers, going through the photos one by one.
He smiled grimly at the memories that each picture gave him. The broken frames went into the bags. Finally the living room was looking much more like normal. Bobby went in search for the broom to sweep up the remaining glass. As he came back with the broom in hand, Evelyn came out of the bathroom, pulling her rubber gloves off.
She looked around the room before smiling warmly at Bobby. “This looks wonderful Bobby. Hmm, still need to fix that bookshelf though. Here let me help you,” she said as she went to the other side of the bookcase that Bobby was lifting. Together they raised it and propped it back against the wall. It looked so empty. Bobby sighed sadly before putting some of the unharmed books back on the shelves.
Evelyn pulled him close and gave him a quick hug. “It’s alright Bobby. You’re doing just fine. Now, I’ve cleaned the bathroom completely top to bottom. We’ll need to pick up some drywall mix, and some new picture frames but other than that, the apartment is already looking better.”
Bobby shrugged. “Still got the bedroom and kitchen though,” he muttered.
“Well I’ll take care of the kitchen. Why don’t you pick up all the clothes from the bedroom while I do that?” she said gently before nudging him towards the hall.
Bobby walked to the room like his feet were made from lead. The bedroom was the last place that he wanted to be. He knew what was waiting. He opened the door slowly, all the while chiding himself for being scared.
‘Ooh big man now aren’t ya? Face up to your shit, you did it, and you know it, whatcha scared of, eh tough guy?’ his inner voice mocked him ruthlessly.
“Shut up,” he whispered harshly, forcing himself to step into the room. The broken guitar lay on the bed accusingly. Bobby tore his eyes away from it, turned his back to the bed and began picking up the clothes.
He hung the shirts back up; inhaling lightly as he reverently placed each of Jack’s shirts back on the closet rack. Bobby would never admit out loud that he loved the way Jack’s particular scent always clung to his clothing even after being washed.
With all the clothes hung up, Bobby continued to avoid looking at the bed. He picked up the remaining magazines and notebooks, sorting them quickly before bringing them over to the small white bookshelf in the corner. Finally, there was nothing else left but the bed. He turned to face it, a cold sweat breaking out on his face and neck.
Bobby swallowed roughly as he stepped closer to the bed. He could hear Jerry’s accusing words echoing in his head, could see the memory of Jack shyly playing a song that he had written just for Bobby. He clutched his head in agony as his headache doubled in pain. He groaned loudly before sitting on the bed.
Evelyn stepped into the room, her arms folded as she leaned against the doorframe. She gazed at the room, nodding in satisfaction at the clean floor. She eyed the guitar on the bed.
“Bobby?” she called out quietly.
He lifted his head slightly wincing as the pain increased the moment he moved. “Yeah Ma?”
“I’ve finished the kitchen. Everything’s sorted and organized. Would you like to come with me?” she asked.
“To where?” he asked, hating the sound of worry in his voice.
“To the house,” she said. “For dinner,” she added a moment later.
Bobby’s mouth hung open. Feeling foolish, he closed it with a snap. “To the house. Your house?” he stuttered.
Evelyn looked over at Bobby and slowly nodded her head. “Yes to the house. I’d like you to join us for dinner.”
“But Jack, and...what?” he said, groping for the right words. “I’m confused.”
“I know you want to see him, I can understand. But it will be on my terms Bobby, remember that. I love you both, and I want you to be there tonight. The healing has to start somewhere. Now, I want you to go take a shower, and try to relax,” she said firmly.
Bobby stared at his feet. “Alright,” he agreed in a small voice. Evelyn suppressed a sigh as Bobby walked by her. He seemed so different than usual, so empty of his usual bravado and sneer. A part of her missed the old Bobby.