Comments | blythe025: Brigit's Flame: Guns and Roses

blythe025

Brigit's Flame: Guns and Roses

Jan 22, 2011 12:37

TITLE: haven't thought of one yet
PROMPT: Guns and Roses
WORD COUNT: 1,625
NOTES: This is my week two entry for January's brigits_flame. This is a continuation: Part I is here and Part II is here, so you might want to read those first before reading this one ( Read more... )

fiction, untitled werewolf novel, prompt, brigits flame, werewolves

Comments 5

Your BF edit! keppiehed January 24 2011, 17:59:11 UTC

Hello, I get to be your editor this week! Lets get right to it, shall we? Corrections are in the brackets:

-Jason had been wheeled through earlier on a stretcher with an oxygen mask strapped to his face and blood soaked through the bandages the paramedics used to stuff him up. This is a long sentence. Could you find a break and make it into two?

-The nurse had nearly white[-]blond[e] hair pulled tightly into a pony [tail], which did not match her nearly black eyebrows. I would cut the words “nearly” here, as the approximation of color isn't necessary.

- "No. [M]y friend. He... They just brought him in." also, a full space is needed around both sides of an ellipses

Then[,] realizing she was covered in blood, Claire gestured absently at her clothes.

She left the bathroom when she finally decided that she couldn't make her hands any more clean. cleaner

At the nurses station[--]a wide, glassed-in booth in the waiting area[--]Claire couldn't find Nurse Amanda, so she asked another nurse about Jason.

It had not occurred to ( ... )

Your BF edit! (part 2) keppiehed January 24 2011, 17:59:51 UTC

-"Quiet," her mother bit[] off the end of the word.

-Her mother picked at a loose thread on her sweater, still no[t] looking at Claire. “The nurse said the worst the other girl[--]Sam was it?[--] They say worst she got was a concussion, which is bad enough, but [at least] she wasn't bit."

-I'm sorry, [M]om."

- Be quiet, al[l] right[?] "Your pacing is a little slow in this one. I noticed that you described a lot of details that were ancillary to the storyline, and you also spent a lot of time talking about the actions of the characters: they went here and did this, when the same thing could have been achieved in a lot less words ( ... )

Re: Your BF edit! (part 2) blythe025 January 24 2011, 23:48:48 UTC

I was wondering about the pacing shift between this one and the last two. After posting this, I wasn't fully sure if I was happy with it, especially in regard to the two flashbacks in one scene. I can see what you mean about having maybe too much description. Hospital rooms involve a lot of waiting and so in reflection of that, I think I slowed it down even more. But I have to think about whether that best serves the story.

Thank you for all your thoughts and your great notes. I really appreciate it. :)

EDIT! WOO-HOO! rubyelf January 28 2011, 20:33:47 UTC

Hello! One of your editors for this week (had to switch with someone because I got assigned to edit myself this week!). I was happy to trade for this one though, because I’ve really enjoyed this ongoing work and think it’s got a lot of potential to expand into a complete and detailed world of its own ( ... )

Re: EDIT! WOO-HOO! blythe025 January 28 2011, 20:41:32 UTC

I'm overjoyed that I elicit such excitement from an editor. (^_^)

Thank you for all your corrections and comments. I really appreciate it.

You're right about the weird cop interaction. As I was writing it, I wasn't sure if it would really work. Truth is, I have no idea what a cop would actually do in that situation, or even if the cop would be first to arrive -- firefighters are usually first on scene. So, I need to go do some research so that I can figure the scene properly, making sure that she still gets into the ambulance with Jason or in some other way ends up at the hospital. Or then, again, maybe not.

Much to work out, it seems.