Brigit's Flame: Guns and Roses

[blythe025]

TITLE: haven't thought of one yet
PROMPT: Guns and Roses
WORD COUNT: 1,625
NOTES: This is my week two entry for January's brigits_flame. This is a continuation: Part I is here and Part II is here, so you might want to read those first before reading this one

Comments

Your BF edit! (part 2)

[keppiehed]

-"Quiet," her mother bit[] off the end of the word.

-Her mother picked at a loose thread on her sweater, still no[t] looking at Claire. “The nurse said the worst the other girl[--]Sam was it?[--] They say worst she got was a concussion, which is bad enough, but [at least] she wasn't bit."

-I'm sorry, [M]om."

- Be quiet, al[l] right[?] "

Your pacing is a little slow in this one. I noticed that you described a lot of details that were ancillary to the storyline, and you also spent a lot of time talking about the actions of the characters: they went here and did this, when the same thing could have been achieved in a lot less words.

Now, I know I was hard on you, but it is because I think you have a good thing going here. With some careful editing, this could be a great read. I want you to be encouraged to keep up with this story; I actually saw a lot of things worth reading and working on in here. I enjoyed the turn this story took. It had a slower pace and you lad the groundwork for some interesting backstory. This is all positive signs of growth as a writer on your part, and I am encouraged to see you taking the steps to follow through with this. I can't wait to see what you have in store for us, and I hope that you keep up with this, as I really am enjoying it quite a bit. Thanks for allowing me to work on this with you this week, and I hope I could be some help!

Re: Your BF edit! (part 2)

[blythe025]

I was wondering about the pacing shift between this one and the last two. After posting this, I wasn't fully sure if I was happy with it, especially in regard to the two flashbacks in one scene. I can see what you mean about having maybe too much description. Hospital rooms involve a lot of waiting and so in reflection of that, I think I slowed it down even more. But I have to think about whether that best serves the story.

Thank you for all your thoughts and your great notes. I really appreciate it. :)