Brigit's Flame: Guns and Roses

[blythe025]

TITLE: haven't thought of one yet
PROMPT: Guns and Roses
WORD COUNT: 1,625
NOTES: This is my week two entry for January's brigits_flame. This is a continuation: Part I is here and Part II is here, so you might want to read those first before reading this one

Comments

EDIT! WOO-HOO!

[rubyelf]

Hello! One of your editors for this week (had to switch with someone because I got assigned to edit myself this week!). I was happy to trade for this one though, because I’ve really enjoyed this ongoing work and think it’s got a lot of potential to expand into a complete and detailed world of its own.

I had this written up before I saw your other edit, so if there are some repetitions, I apologize... Keppie caught some things I didn't, anyway.

Some minor corrections / suggestions (as before, these are all easy to fix):

1) The second sentence, which starts with “Jason had been wheeled…” becomes a little awkward when it gets to “blood soaked through the bandages the paramedics used to stuff him up.” I’m not completely certain what you mean by “stuff him up”, and you might want to make this two sentences.

2) In the sentence “The stretched disappeared…” you use the word “disappeared twice; the second one isn’t necessary and the sentence works better without it.

3) “No. I’m not hurt.” Then realizing she was covered in blood…” There needs to be a comma after “then”.

4) “hands, arms, elbows, and even throat and face…” You might want to make it “even her throat and face”. Just a personal preference.

5) “More clean” might sound better as “cleaner”.

6) “nurses station” should be “nurses’ station”.

7) “as far enough away from the other people as possible…” is a little awkward. Maybe change it to either “far enough away” “or as far as possible”.

8) “Jason’s blood saturated in her clothes” might be better as “Jason’s blood saturating her clothes”.

9) “She would just have to deal until she got home…” this might be how the character would talk, but it’s a little out of sync with the rest of the language. Maybe “she would just have to tolerate it until she got home.”

10) The sentence that starts “The cops then had the kids…” is the kind of messy comma-filled sentence that my editors always get on me for writing! Try “After questioning the kids, the cops sent the sober ones on their way and had the others call their parents to come pick them up.”

11) Another minor personal preference: perhaps instead of “If the cops were going to stop her,” you could try “if the cops intended to stop her”.

12) “Now in the hospital waiting room…” needs a comma after “Now”.

13) Instead of “The plastic around the flowers kept crinkling” it might flow better as “the plastic around the flowers crinkled”.

14) The sentence “Her hands, which were clasped together, were white-knuckled” could lose a “were” and flow better written as “Her hands, clasped together, were white-knuckled”.

15) The sentence “Beside her, Jason’s father…” is a little confusing. Perhaps you could rewrite it something like, “Beside her in a plain white t-shirt and jeans sat Jason’s father.”

16) “was rubbing his wife’s back” probably sounds better as just “rubbed his wife’s back”.

17) “possible say” should be “possibly say”.

18) “Outside the morning light” should have a comma after “outside”.

19) “she had not change” maybe should be “she had no change”?

20) “her mother bite off the end of the word” should be “bit off”.

21) “staring a head” should be “staring ahead”.

22) “still no looking at Claire” should be “still not looking at Claire”.

I know it looks like a lot but they are minor corrections. The story continues to be fascinating and I find myself wanting to know more about the world these characters live in, how werewolves and other creatures fit into it, etc. The only part I questioned as far as content was the part where the police arrived and allowed her to continue attending to Jason without checking to see if she knew what she was doing… this isn’t totally unrealistic; it just struck me as a little odd. Other than that, nothing else to say other than that I enjoyed it!

Re: EDIT! WOO-HOO!

[blythe025]

I'm overjoyed that I elicit such excitement from an editor. (^_^)

Thank you for all your corrections and comments. I really appreciate it.

You're right about the weird cop interaction. As I was writing it, I wasn't sure if it would really work. Truth is, I have no idea what a cop would actually do in that situation, or even if the cop would be first to arrive -- firefighters are usually first on scene. So, I need to go do some research so that I can figure the scene properly, making sure that she still gets into the ambulance with Jason or in some other way ends up at the hospital. Or then, again, maybe not.

Much to work out, it seems.