Sestina: McKay during "The Hive"

[bironic]

My latest effort to pull out of the "everything I touch turns to crap" mode that I've been in for the last several weeks is to try some more sestinas without worrying about how tight or original they are. It seems to be working. The one I started last night about John Sheppard has stalled halfway through, but here's another I managed to write today

Comments

[bironic]

Yay! Thank you. I'm really happy with how the end-words let Rodney return again and again to the same thought(s) with hardly a pause. That probably has to do with how quickly (relatively speaking) it was written.

Now if I could learn a thing or two from you on how to create such a strong, affecting mood by relying on atmosphere over plot....

[roga]

What Zulu said! Also yes. This is totally Rodney's voice, albeit hyped up and trapped in poetry, and still, it flows naturally, so kudos to you. I love how he suddenly gets distracted by his own thoughts, and the whatsit, the crisis, and mm, enzyme, is it hot in here?

[bironic]

Hooray! Those are two of my favorite parts, too, for breaking from the rest of the monologue. Rodney has such a fun voice to try to play with, and I'm happy it felt right to you.

[daasgrrl]

That was actually very cool - I got enough of the plot to appreciate it. I loved the jumbled train of thought.

Crit: It took me a closer reading to get that 'Enzyme crash' was part of the one phrase for some reason - the last transition worked much better once I realized that. That one's probably just me, though, and I don't really have a suggestion, since you obviously did make an effort to make that clear. Also, you've got 'Elizbeth' in there somewhere :)

[bironic]

Oh, oops, thanks, will fix.

The "Enzyme / crash" doesn't sit quite right with me, either. It's better than what was there before, but it could be better. Will ponder.

Thanks for reading! Glad to know it came across all right for someone unfamiliar with the episode.

[deelaundry]

Very awesome. A perfect form for Rodney's internal monologue.

they're going to die
of unnatural old age

has the most beautiful mouth-feel. That might be a word I made up, but with any luck you can get the gist?

I haven't poked around in watf-drafts lately. Have you written any more over there?

[bironic]

I have not! Haven't been able to make any progress, and that's part of the reason I've been so down lately. Or maybe it's the other way around. In any case, I'll let you know when it's back on track. How're you coming on yours? I'm psyched for lots of hot crossover smut.

That might be a word I made up,

Hee, I do know what you mean, and thank you.

[deelaundry]

We watched this episode last night and wow, does this sestina fit so very well. Round and round and round until boom, down. ♥

[bironic]

Thanks! I loved getting into his head during that scene, and exploring something the show glossed over in favor of comedy -- Rodney trying to warn everyone about the team, and failing.

[nightdog_barks]

This is great -- the words flowing so fast and tripping over each other. I think it really captures the way Rodney talks (and probably thinks).

[bironic]

I love the idea that Rodney thinks at light speed and that's part of the reason he's so impatient with people all the time. Toss speeeeed the enzyme into the mix, and it must feel to him like everyone else is in slow motion. Plus, yep, in the episode, he kept repeating himself, or at least returning to the same phrases in his explanation, so I thought the sestina might work very well for it. And no plotting to worry about! Heh.

What I am trying to say is thanks. :)