Sestina: McKay during "The Hive"

[bironic]

My latest effort to pull out of the "everything I touch turns to crap" mode that I've been in for the last several weeks is to try some more sestinas without worrying about how tight or original they are. It seems to be working. The one I started last night about John Sheppard has stalled halfway through, but here's another I managed to write today

Comments

[elynittria]

Oooh, a new sestina! I can't wait to read this closely. Wish I didn't have so damn much work at the moment!

[bironic]

Me too! I'm happy to be the carrot at the end of the stick for you. Or the cookie as a reward, since you actually get to enjoy that one. Thanks for stopping in -- glad to know you're alive under that mound of manuscripts.

[purridot]

Wow! A sestina! I had never met one before! (Sheltered life and all). I did not know it was so complex!

I echo everyone else's clever analysis (my brain is too tired to be original) but I want to add that I LOVE the rhythm of the line:
it's so, so important, huh, that's a strange word, im-por-tant

What I wouldn't give to hear David H. read this out loud!

[bironic]

Hee. I was channeling Wilson there, I think ("symbolicalating"), with McKay's voice.

I had never met one before! I did not know it was so complex!

Oh! Have you not met the others? Or am I misreading sarcasm? Love the application of That Line, btw.

[purridot]

No, really, I had no idea what a sestina* was before today. Nor its complexity, until I visited Wikipedia. It is really impressive how you made something which seems difficult theoretically actually be so flowing, elegant, meaningful and fun.

*It sounded a bit like "siesta" which made it immediately appealing to me.

[elynittria]

I love how you capture the high-speed, circular thinking of Rodney during this scene. I can hear this going on in Rodney's mind as he circles around Elizabeth babbling in the episode-you've definitely caught his voice.

My one quibble would be the choice of "Rodney" as one of the end words, since it seems to screw up the POV a bit. If we're inside Rodney's head (which we quite clearly are), then a sentence such as "Hello? Is Rodney speaking Ancient here?" is a tad jarring, because you'd expect it to read "Hello? Am I speaking Ancient here?" I don't see an easy way to fix that, of course, so just ignore me.

[bironic]

Hi! Thanks! And thanks for the concrit.

you'd expect it to read "Hello? Am I speaking Ancient here?"

Hmmm. I was going for third person limited. Is it every instance of "Rodney" that throws you, or just a few (or just that one)?

Hey P.S. -- thought -- d'you think, now and/or post-revision, this (a) fits and (b) is good enough to post for the Wordless challenge at sga_flashfic?

[elynittria]

I've just re-read the whole poem, and that's really the only place where the use of "Rodney" made me pause. It just wasn't what my mental "ear" was prepared to hear. The rest of it stays nicely in third-person limited, but the phrasing in that particular line seems much more first person-y, if you know what I mean, so I kept expecting to hear "I."

Oh, yes, I definitely think it (a) fits and (b) is "good enough" (actually, it's excellent) to post for the Wordless challenge!

[bironic]

Hmmmmm. I'm staring at it without finding a way to rephrase it without making it complicated and inelegant. Will revisit.

Maybe can't post to flashfic after all; just checked the rules and you're not supposed to post anywhere but that comm for the duration of the challenge.

[bironic]

Hey, neat. Glad you enjoyed.