Sestina!fic #3: "Breaking the Cycle"

[bironic]

Others:
- Sestina #1: House post-infarction
- Sestina #2: "A Typical Day in Diagnostics"

Title: Breaking the Cycle
Character: James Wilson
Rating: R
Word Count: 400
Prompts: whispers (from daasgrrl), pound (from thewlisian_afer), part, wife, friend, lies
A/N: With thanks to synn for looking over draft after draft and saying each was fine, even if I didn't believe her

Comments

[nightdog_barks]

Very nice.

I like the repetition of "pound" and how at this point:

James can't speak, his chest crushed beneath pounds
Of pressure.

It's like James is underwater, with pounds and pounds of water pressure suffocating him.

[bironic]

Ah, great -- that was the effect I was hoping for. Was afraid it might read as if he was suddenly trapped under a fallen building or in a totalled car. :)

[elynittria]

Quietly beautiful. I like the image of "listening to the whispers / Of leaves in the wind like secrets between friends." It sets the mood for the whole sestina. I also liked the clarity and straightforwardness of "Eyes don't lie." The line breaks the previous rhythm of allusiveness and subtle avoidances conveyed in the longer lines preceding it and marks a new, more real state of being for Wilson.

[bironic]

What an interesting insight. That whole section was intended as a transition from rumination to action and then from tension to relief, with the relief hinging on the expression in House's eyes. But I hadn't considered that line as one that shows Wilson waking up to reality. Neat.

I'm glad you like the wind-whispers too. I got stuck on those lines in the beginning, but then I hit on the simile idea and it seemed like a perfect use of the prompts to set the mood, as you've said.

[topaz_eyes]

Such lovely detail of longing and regret, and the decision finally to do something about it. I may have said this before but I'll say it again: the sestina is a perfect form for these two. This feels like a lot of power waiting to be unleashed.

Which lines do you think are bothersome?

House greets him in a conspiratorial whisper. I think it might sound better if you remove the word "him" and change "in" to "with". The last line, too, seemed a little long. Maybe replace "his body" with "him"? Just suggestions...

[bironic]

Cool. Have changed "him in" to "with." (Funny -- I think it said "with" in an earlier version.) And yeah, I was playing around with "him" vs. "his body" and ended up going with the latter because the sentence ends with "him." That last line -- those last three sentences -- still aren't sitting right. They're too long, as you've noticed; I'm sure there's a better, tighter way to conclude the poem than what's there right now. Argh. Everything after "later" went through half a dozen revisions just today.

In general, the lines I'm still iffy about are the ones that take too long to get their point across: the last two, and Though sometimes it's all James can do not to grab the bastard and pound.... Poetry's got to be tight, and these bits aren't.

There's also He's been dancing around for too many years. Can't tell if it works. That space kept getting filled, deleted and replaced, until this one. Didn't want to give away the game too early, didn't want to get off track. The compromise reads a bit trite/wishy-washy to me. Not sure

[petrichor_fizz]

He's been dancing around for too many years.

Well, I really liked that, personally.

[bironic]

So did daasgrrl below. Two points in its favor, then. Thanks for chiming in!

[silsbee329]

Concrit escapes me right now; however, that fifth stanza - where everything comes into focus - needs some praise, especially this line:

A self-styled detective of a friend
Who doesn't see what's in front of him, or refuses to.

I know they're kicking your ass, but you've gotta be having a lot of fun with these! They're turning out really great.

[bironic]

I read your first sentence as "needs some work" the first time, and only after a few seconds realized you were saying it was good. Oops. Thank you! Was thinking about popping in "brilliant" before "self-styled detective" ... since you've singled out that line, would you say the extra word is unnecessary?

This one was fun until it stopped cooperating! Then it had to be wrestled into completion. But yeah, there are many more terrible things to be frustrated with than a sestina about an angsty Wilson deciding it's finally time to jump House. :D

[silsbee329]

Hmm... I don't think I would add the "brilliant". There's a little bit more of a dubious feeling toward House's perceptiveness this way (even though it's probably just denial and not lack of perception). I like that about it. Just my humble (convoluted!) opinion. ;)

[bironic]

Nope, it makes sense. Advice taken.

[thewlisian_afer]

I have no concrit for you. I love this, as is. ♥

[bironic]

I will take hearts in place of concrit with no complaint. :) (And that would be a heart instead of a smiley if I knew how to make one.) Thank you; I hope you will like the upcoming one that uses all 6 prompts from what you supplied.

[thewlisian_afer]

haha! I have to teach you how to make hearts. It's & hearts ; without the spaces.

I don't think I actually commented on the first two sestinas, but I loved both of them too, so I'm sure I'll like the one that uses my prompts. :D

[bironic]

Cool -- glad to hear you liked the others. I do think you'll like "yours." It's only half-done, though, so it's kind of hard to say for sure.

(Oh, it's plural! No wonder. I left off the "s" last time and, not surprisingly, got the code thrown right back at me.)