Can't Point the Way to Your Heart (J2, NC-17) 4/5
When Jared does call, a few days later, he doesn’t say anything about the date, and Jensen doesn’t ask. It takes them a minute to find a safe topic of conversation, but after Jensen tells Jared about Oscar’s latest trick - hiding until Jensen walks down the hallway between the bedroom and the kitchen, then running full speed past with only a pause to jump and bat at Jensen’s leg with his paws before he’s streaking off.
“Scared the shit out of me the first time he did it,” Jensen says, and Jared cracks up and makes fun of him for being scared by a seven-pound bit of fur, and then, without any fanfare or heartfelt conversations, they’re back to normal. Jensen’s not sure how it happened, or why, but he’s not going to question it. When Jared invites him along on a Christmas shopping trip, he says yes without thinking.
* * *
Jared picks up a bright pink mixer, tilting it to see inside the bowl. “You think she’d like this?”
Jensen shrugs. “I don’t know. Does your mom cook a lot?”
“Well, yeah,” Jared says. “I don’t know if she uses a mixer, though.”
Jensen shrugs again. “She can always return it if she doesn’t like it.”
“No, I have to get her a really good present,” Jared tells him. “Last year was the thing with the ironing board, and I have to make it up to her with something seriously amazing.”
Jensen laughs. “I still can’t believe you got your mom an ironing board for Christmas.”
“She needed a new one,” Jared says indignantly. “It was a totally practical gift. I don’t know what the problem was.”
“The problem isn’t the ironing board. It’s what it said.”
“It was a gift! All it said was I love you and you iron a lot.” It made sense to Jared - he figured she’d appreciate something useful rather than another knickknack or World’s Greatest Mom mug. And she does do a lot of ironing. He just wanted to make it a little easier for her.
Jensen shakes his head. “Forget about practical stuff, okay? She’s your mom. Get her something she wants, not something she needs.”
Jared’s still not sure she didn’t want the ironing board - she doesn’t hate ironing, or anything - but the glares he got from his sister were enough to convince him Jensen’s probably right. He sighs. “Fine. But no clothes. And she has enough jewelry for eight people, so that’s out, too.”
Jensen pushes him down the department store aisle. “I’m sure we’ll find something.”
Half an hour later, Jared has a scarf that Jensen promises only says complimentary things, and Jared says, “Awesome. Now I just need something that says I’m totally devoted to you but not in a creepy way.”
“For Sandy?”
“No, Jensen, for you,” Jared says, making moony eyes at him. “You’re the Danny Zuko to my Sandra Dee.”
“You’re really failing at the not-creepy part,” Jensen observes.
“You love it,” Jared tells him. “And yes, I’m talking about Sandy.” He pauses. “The real one, not Olivia Newton-John.”
Jensen rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I got that, thanks. Do you have any idea what you want to get real-Sandy?”
Jared shrugs. “Something nice?” He picks up a candle decorated with snowmen. “Does this say I love you, be mine?”
Jensen looks at it. “It’s more like I love you, Grandma.”
Jared sighs and sets it back down. “And I suppose ironing boards and mixers are out?”
“What did I say about practical gifts?”
“Yeah, yeah. Hey, this is awesome,” Jared says, holding up a t-shirt with “Ho, Ho, Ho,” on the front.
“If you give her that, you’d better be halfway across the country before she opens it.”
Jared laughs and sets it back on the rack. “Actually, I was thinking about that.”
“Giving her a bad gift and running?”
“No, about being halfway across the country. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I was thinking about inviting her down for the holidays.” He straightens the other t-shirts on the rack. “Not for the whole time, obviously. Just a day or two, so she can meet my parents.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything, and when Jared looks up for a reply, he finds Jensen staring at him like he just sprouted antlers and a glowing red nose. “Uh, Jensen?”
“Yeah,” Jensen says, shaking his head. “Um. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you,” Jared points out. “I know it’s kind of a big step, but I’ve been planning to marry her since I met her, so it’s not really that sudden for me.”
“Yeah,” Jensen says, but his voice sounds a little odd, kind of tight. “But it might be for her. I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like such a good plan.”
“But maybe I could just invite her for New Year’s, or sometime after Christmas,” Jared argues. “That way it wouldn’t be so much pressure. Just dinner with my family, not all the relatives and whoever.”
“I don’t know,” Jensen says, busying himself straightening a rack of ties.
Jared frowns. Jensen’s never this indecisive about things, it’s part of the reason why he’s so good at giving advice on anything and everything. He always has a firm opinion, and it’s usually right. But maybe he does have an opinion and thinks Jared doesn’t want to hear it?
“Come on,” Jared says with a little smile, cajoling. “You can tell me if I’m way off, here. I can take it.”
Jensen shakes his head, not looking up from the ties. “It’s not - I don’t know, Jared. I don’t know Sandy or your family, so I can’t tell you what to do.”
Jared huffs a laugh. “That’s never stopped you before.”
Jensen does look up, then, but instead of a smirk to acknowledge Jared’s teasing, the look Jared gets is closer to a glare.
“Jensen? What’s - “
“I just - I can’t talk about this with you,” Jensen interrupts. His fingers are clutching the ties so tightly now that his knuckles are white.
“What do you mean?” Jared asks, totally confused. If Jensen can talk him through making out with Sandy, why wouldn’t he be able to discuss this? It doesn’t make any sense.
“I just can’t, okay? Would you fucking let it go?”
Jared recoils slightly at that, and Jensen shakes his head, letting go of the ties. “I have to go.”
“What? Is something wrong?”
Jensen’s eyes catch Jared’s for a second as his question hangs in the air, and even though Jared can’t read the mix of complicated emotions he finds there, he can tell that the answer is yes, that something’s very wrong. He reaches out for Jensen, to catch his arm or shoulder and keep him there until Jared can figure out where this conversation went so wrong and what Jensen isn’t telling him, but Jensen twists away from his hand and shakes his head again before taking off down an aisle.
Jared’s left completely confused, arm still outstretched, with no idea what just happened.
A saleslady stops next to him. “Can I help you find something, sir?”
Jared looks down at her. “Do you have anything that says, I’m sorry, even though I don’t know what the hell I did and you won’t even talk to me, but if you’d just tell me what’s wrong, I’ll do anything I can to fix it?”
"Jewelry," she says firmly, pointing over at the counter.
"No, it's for a guy," Jared says.
She looks a little bewildered, then. “Uh, no, sir. I’m afraid we don’t sell anything like that.”
Jared sighs. “Never mind.”
* * *
Jensen’s always been good at being detached. It wasn’t something he planned, or something he wanted for himself, it’s just the way he’s always been. In college, he had to take plenty of humanities classes, history and sociology and literature, but he didn’t like the uncertainty of it all - everything was about interpretation, perspective, theoretical approaches. Jensen didn’t want to write a paper about what an author might have been trying to convey with symbolism, he wanted to know. He wanted facts, hard and fast, not possibilities with vague basis in fact. Leaving it up to personal interpretation was too messy, too weak, not enough to hold on to.
Math, on the other hand, he liked. Math had rules and laws, specific reasons why equations worked the way they did, and numbers didn’t lie or change according to opinion. There was always an answer to be found, and a sensible way to find it. That’s why he went into financial planning - money can be managed according to history and mathematical predictions, and stock and bonds and mutual funds are firm, definite. Most of all, even though Jensen has to deal with customers who have their own opinions on what would make them the most money, in the end, the only person Jensen has to trust is himself.
And that’s the way Jensen likes it. He likes things that are concrete, solid and real, and he can’t just put all of himself into whatever he does - he can’t just take it on faith that something’s going to work and risk letting it all go.
But somehow, with Jared, that’s all gone to hell.
Jensen slams the door so loud that he scares Oscar, the kitten ducking behind the corner, and if that isn’t a sign of how messed up things have gotten, Jensen doesn’t know what is. This was just supposed to be a favor for Tom - some relationship advice for a friend, maybe a little guidance on fashion and relationships - and that was it. But somehow, a month later, Jensen’s so tangled up in Jared that he can’t see straight, and he’s got a fucking cat.
Jensen slides down the wall and sits next to the door, wondering what the hell happened. At first, he let himself think it was just a crush, that it was some purely physical thing related to proximity or chance or the phase of the moon, and if he chose to ignore it, the infatuation would fade. But then, as he and Jared became friends, grew closer, spent more time together, it became clear that nothing was fading. In fact, this thing - which Jensen refused to label - just kept growing. Increasing. Strengthening. Yes, he wants Jared, recognizes that he’s an attractive guy and has a mental list of inappropriate things he’d like very much to do to him, but, if Jensen is actually being honest with himself, he knows it’s more than that.
It’s not just lust or attraction. Because Jensen’s seen more of Jared these past few weeks than any of his friends or family, and he’s grown used to it - to being the center of Jared’s attention, to being the recipient of his affection, to being the focus of his concentration. And somewhere along the way, he forgot the reason for that and let himself enjoy it. It felt completely normal to lead Jared around the department store, picking out presents for his mom and family members, and it was only when Jared mentioned Sandy coming to visit him that Jensen realized how far gone he was.
Because he didn’t want Sandy hanging around Jared’s family, visiting Jared’s hometown, staying at his house. He didn’t want it to be her doing those things, because he wanted it to be him. He wanted to see Jared’s favorite parts of San Antonio, to see the house he grew up in, watch his family open their presents on Christmas and exchange a grin with Jared when his mom loved the scarf. He wanted it to be him that Jared introduced to his parents, him that Jared held hands with under the table, him that Jared wanted and loved.
And that’s pretty fucking scary, because Jensen’s never let himself really invest in anyone. He can advise someone on how to make a relationship work, he knows the basic steps and goals, but he’s never been able to fit himself into the equation. He’s never been able to just throw himself into anything the way Jared does, and his inability to give all of himself pushed people away and was obvious, a lack of trust. He always kept some part of him back for himself, something he couldn’t afford to give away, and at a certain point in every relationship, weeks or months or even a year in, that became a problem, that he couldn’t let go of that one last bit of distance. And yet somehow, with Jared, he let go without even knowing it. He just offered everything he is like it was a gift on a silver platter, and Jared took it. He knows things about Jensen that no one else in the world does - some are stupid, inane little details, but some are things Jensen couldn’t say to anyone else. Somehow, with Jared, the words just came out, without Jensen’s intention or permission, and Jared, being himself, just listened, no matter if Jensen was confessing to his weird aversion to clothing with stripes on it or a childhood fear of getting lost that still leaves him a little shaky when pressed into tight crowds at a concert or fire drill.
It’s like all of Jensen has been turned inside out, visible for everyone to see, nothing hidden anymore. It’s terrifying. And it hurts like hell, because no one’s ever done this to him before, no one’s laid him open like this and really seen him, and it’s all for nothing, because Jared’s never going to feel the same way.
Jared doesn’t even know. He’s worked his way so deep into Jensen’s life, so far under his skin, that he’s literally all Jensen can think about, and yet he has no idea. He’s blissfully focused on Sandy, and other than a kiss that went on a little too long and that comment about his ass, Jensen has no reason to believe Jared’s anything more than a 0 on the Kinsey scale. This is the first time in Jensen’s life that he’s ever been able to lose that protective distance, to actually admit that he wants something - needs it, even - and it doesn’t even matter, because he can’t have it. Jared’s his friend, nothing more, and it doesn’t matter that Jensen’s life has aligned with that Mariah Carey Christmas song and all he wants this year - more than anything he’s ever wanted before - is Jared, because Jared is not his to have. It’s all for nothing, because Jared is never going to love him back.
Oscar reappears, rubbing his silky head against Jensen’s clenched fingers and purring loudly, and Jensen uncurls his fist to pick him up, tucking Oscar’s little furry body against his chest. He can feel Oscar’s heartbeat against his skin, small and quick, and he counts the beats, matching it with his breathing, ignoring the messy, painful rhythm in his own chest.
* * *
“Jared? Is something wrong?”
“Huh?” Jared looks up from his plate, which he’s spent the last ten minutes transforming into a food forest. Stalks of broccoli are planted in mashed potatoes around a gravy lake, and Jared’s in the middle of poking the last of his roast beef into a cabin-like shape. It’s pretty awesome, as far as food sculptures go, but from Sandy’s tone, she’s not impressed.
“I’ve been talking for the past five minutes, but I don’t think you’ve heard a word I said.”
“Sorry,” Jared says, setting down his fork. Normally, when he’s with Sandy, he’s listening eagerly to every word she says, looking for an opportunity to show her how attentive and interested he is, but today it’s not happening. “I’m just kind of…”
“Distracted?” Sandy fills in. “Yeah, I can tell. Also, possibly depressed to the point of dying, because I’ve never seen you leave food on your plate before.”
Jared flushes. “That obvious, huh?”
Sandy nods sympathetically. “Did something happen with Jensen?”
Jared blinks, a little taken aback. “How did you - “
She shrugs. “Well, normally, you talk about him all the time. But you haven’t mentioned him at all in the past few days. And then there’s the distracted and depressed part. It seemed likely the two were related.”
Jared sighs. “Yeah, we had a fight. Well, kind of. I don’t even know what went wrong, but Jensen won’t answer his phone and I have no idea what I did or if I even did anything at all. And I have no idea what to do about it.”
Sandy blinks. “So he got mad at you and didn’t say why and now he won’t talk to you?”
“Pretty much.”
“And you don’t even know if it’s because of you?”
“Nope,” Jared says. “I mean, I know I can be kind of clueless sometimes, but I’ve gone over the whole thing a million times, and I can’t think of anything I did or said that would piss him off. It was just a random conversation, and then he was yelling and storming off.” He sighs. “I don’t know. Maybe he’s just in a bad mood, and he’ll get over it on his own. I’m just not sure what to do. We’ve never fought before.”
“Never?” Sandy asks, raising her eyebrows.
“We’ve only known each other for like, a month,” Jared points out. “We haven’t had time to get mad yet.”
“A month?” Sandy repeats. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah,” Jared says, unsure why that’s surprising. “I met him right after you and I had our first date. Why?”
“I just thought you’d known each other for years,” Sandy says. “I mean, the way you talk about him, it’s like - “
“Like what?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know. Never mind.” She folds her arms on the table. “Anyway. Maybe it’s not even you he’s angry at. Or maybe he’s not angry at all.”
“Then what could it be about? I was just talking about going home for Christmas when it happened.”
Sandy shrugs, taking a sip of her water. “What’s Jensen doing for Christmas?”
“He’s hanging out with Tom and his wife for part of the day,” Jared says. “Other than that, I don’t know. Probably not a lot.”
“Maybe he’s a little bit jealous,” Sandy suggests. “You’re going home and seeing your family, and he’s hanging out with a friend.” She shrugs. “Holidays without your family can be hard. Nobody wants to be alone this time of year, after all. Maybe he’s lonely.”
Jared takes a moment to mull that over. It would make sense if Jensen wasn’t actually mad at him, but the more Jared thinks about it, the more he actually kind of hopes Jensen is mad at him. Because if Jensen was just upset about Jared leaving and taking Sandy and having Christmas at home with his family - if Jensen’s upset because he’s lonely - that makes Jared’s chest hurt in a way that’s completely unrelated to anger, for one thing. And for another, he has no idea how to fix that.
He doesn’t really know to fix Jensen being mad at him, either, but he hasn’t tried everything yet. He didn’t want to push, but if it came down to it, he’d be outside Jensen’s door with enough food to last him the weekend, and he wouldn’t leave until Jensen told him what was going on and how Jared could make it right.
This, on the other hand, can’t be solved by camping out or stalking. They’ve only talked about Jensen’s love life once, after all, and Jensen wasn’t exactly forthcoming, so Jared has no idea what issues Jensen might have, or what reasons for being single. As far as he can tell, from what he knows of Jensen, there really aren’t any good reasons. Jensen’s gorgeous, for one thing - it’s not hard to miss, especially they way he turns heads whenever they’re out in public - and besides that, he’s a nice person and a good friend. Jared was a little wary of him at first, the way Jensen was all no-nonsense and distantly polite, but it didn’t take long to discover that under that uptight Type A personality, Jensen’s a lot more. Smart, funny, and compassionate, for a start - for all that Jensen pretended to complain, he was there anytime Jared needed him, making endless batches of Italian food or watching Jared’s dogs or giving guidance during an early-morning freakout. If he’s willing to do all that for Jared, just for a favor, then Jared can’t imagine why people aren’t lining up to date Jensen. Plus, he’s better at cooking than Jared (or at least better at following directions) and extremely organized and really nice. What more could someone ask for? He’s even a good kisser.
And Jared probably shouldn’t be thinking about that, but the thing is, he’s kind of had trouble not thinking about it lately. He just wanted to make sure he was doing everything right, and he’s always learned better from doing, not listening, so it made sense that this could just be another thing that Jensen taught him. But then somewhere in the middle Jared forgot that he was pretending to kiss Sandy and just started to kiss Jensen. He couldn’t help it - no matter what he was telling himself in his head, his body recognized Jensen as undeniably male, strong jaw and a hint of stubble beneath his fingers, and at some point he realized that not only was that fact not impairing his enjoyment, it was sort of increasing it.
Which, awkward. It was one thing to recognize, in a sort of vague way, that Jensen’s attractive. It’s completely another to figure out he’s attracted to Jensen while sticking his tongue down his throat. Especially since they’re friends, for God’s sake, and Jensen was just helping him out.
And then there’s the part where Jared hasn’t quite been able to stop thinking about it, because he’d never really thought about kissing another guy before, but even if he had, he’s pretty sure it wouldn’t measure up. If the damned cat hadn’t bitten him, he’s pretty sure he would have been perfectly content to make out with Jensen for a couple hours at least, until he was satisfied that he knew every single detail of Jensen’s mouth. Actually, it’s probably a good thing they stopped, because Jared was kind of unexpectedly turned on by the whole thing, and Jensen really didn’t need to know that because, again, awkward.
And that might have even been okay - Jared had no idea he was even interested in men, but whatever, self-exploration through making out was kind of cool - except the next night, when he was supposed to be putting the moves on Sandy, he was having a little trouble concentrating. Because her lips were soft and pliant under his, and she was definitely saying yes, so he must have been doing something right, but when he swept a thumb along her jaw, it was smooth and delicate, not what he was expecting, and shit, he was not supposed to be thinking about someone else while making out with the woman of his dreams. She was a little miffed when he wanted to stop, actually, but Jared thought going any further while distracted was a really bad idea.
But, yeah. Jensen’s awesome, that much is clear, and if someone as (apparently) clueless as Jared is can see that, he has no idea how Jensen hasn’t been snatched up already. Jensen said he wasn’t looking, the one time they talked about it, and Jared has no clue what that means - that Jensen’s getting over a bad relationship, or he’s given up on love, or whatever - but either way, it all still boils down to the same thing. Jensen’s unhappy, and Jared doesn’t know how to help. Inundating Jensen with his presence doesn’t seem likely to help, if Jensen’s not angry, so Jared just does the only thing he can think of, which is calling Jensen. Sandy’s texting someone on her own phone, anyway, and she just waves him off when he tells her, so he heads outside the café and leans against the wall while he dials.
It goes straight to voicemail, no surprise, so Jared leaves a short message. He’s left a dozen already, all variations of “Hey, I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m sorry if I did something, please call me,” so this time he keeps it short and sweet. “Hey, Jen. I’m going to be flying out to Texas on Friday, and I just really want to talk to you before then. We don’t have to talk about what happened, okay? I just want to make sure that you’re…I just don’t want to leave with things like this. Okay. Talk to you soon, hopefully.”
It doesn’t solve anything, but somehow Jared feels a little better, just for having done something. He goes back into the restaurant. Sandy looks up when he comes in, and smiles when he sits down. “So. You said you had something to ask me?”
“Right,” Jared says, and takes a deep breath. “Well, the thing is, I had this idea about you and Christmas. I know it’s short notice, but…”
* * *
Jensen’s at Tom’s when his phone beeps with a new voicemail. He ignores it, but Tom looks up from the hockey game they’re watching. “Your phone’s making noise, man.”
“I know.”
“And you’re not going to see who it is?”
“I know who it is.”
“Then why aren’t you answering?”
“Because it’s not someone I’m interested in talking to, obviously,” Jensen says irritably. “Can we be done with the interrogation now?”
Tom slants him an inscrutable look, then nods. “Fine. If you get me another beer.”
Jensen sighs, but gets up. It’s worth walking to the kitchen and back to avoid awkward questions about why he’s not taking Jared’s calls anymore. Especially because his main reason for not picking up is that he doesn’t know if he can handle the awkwardness that’s certain to follow.
But when he gets back with two beers, Tom’s got his phone open and he’s scrolling through the call logs. “Give that back,” Jensen demands, putting the beers down before reaching for it.
“No,” Tom replies, leaning away and pushing Jensen back. “Not until you tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing’s going on,” Jensen replies, lunging for the phone again.
“Right,” Tom says, standing to move away. “That’s why Jared’s called you thirty-two times over the past week and left you ten voicemails. Nothing.”
“Fine, it’s not nothing,” Jensen admits. “But whatever’s going on between Jared and me is none of your business.” He knows he’s being an asshole, but he can’t help it.
Tom stops him with a hand on his chest. “Jen, you come over here looking like shit and acting like you want to roll over and die, whatever’s going on is sure as hell my business.” His face softens a little, concern replacing seriousness. “You look like you haven’t slept or eaten in a week, man, and I just want to help.”
Jensen sighs, anger draining away as quickly as it appeared, and drops back onto the couch. “I know. And I appreciate it, but you can’t help with this.”
“Maybe not,” Tom admits. “But keeping it all to yourself isn’t helping, either.”
Jensen sighs again. “Fine. It’s just - I made a stupid mistake. I mean, I knew Jared was totally gone for Sandy from the very beginning. I knew it before I even met him, for Christ’s sake. And I helped him get a date with her, and gave him advice on how to get her to love him back.” He pauses, staring down at his socks. “But we were spending all this time together, and we got to be friends, and I - I let him get to me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, he’s got this totally perfect girlfriend he wants to fly home for Christmas, to meet his family, and I should be happy for him.”
“But you’re not,” Tom finishes for him. “You’re miserable.”
“It was just a crush,” Jensen says. “Just one of those stupid, pointless infatuations that’re there and gone in a couple days. But it didn’t go away; it just kept getting worse. And then he kissed me, and I realized I didn’t want Sandy to meet his family, because I don’t want him to be with her at all, because I want - I’m - “
“You’re - oh,” Tom says, his voice changing completely. “Oh. Fuck, Jen.”
“Yeah,” Jensen agrees, dropping his head into his hands.
“Sorry, man. That’s…that really sucks.”
There’s a long minute where the only sounds are the screech of the ref’s whistle on the TV and Jamie humming in another room.
Finally, Tom sighs. “So you’re just going to ignore him forever?”
“Not forever,” Jensen says. “Just…for now.”
Tom snorts. “That’s mature.”
“I can’t talk to him right now,” Jensen says. “He’s all happy about Sandy, and I can’t pretend that I am, too.”
“Jensen, the guy has called you thirty times in the past week,” Tom says. “I think it’s safe to say he’s worried about you, not looking for an opportunity to gush about his girlfriend.”
Jensen shrugs.
“You can’t just pretend he doesn’t exist,” Tom says, exasperated. “That’s not fair to him, Jensen.”
“None of this is fair!” Jensen explodes. “You think it’s fair that I fell for the guy I was supposed to be getting some other girl to fall for?” He sighs, shaking his head. “This is why I don’t get involved, because it always ends up being one huge fucking mess.”
“You can’t choose who you care about,” Tom says. “But what you do about it is your choice. You’re the one who told me that.”
Any reply Jensen might have had is interrupted by his phone ringing. Tom’s still got it in his hand, and he glances down at the display before looking up at Jensen. “It’s Jared.”
Jensen closes his eyes, but after a second he reaches out to take the phone, standing to move away from Tom. “Hey, Jared.”
“Hey,” Jared replies, sounding surprised. “I didn’t think you were going to answer.”
“Yeah, sorry about that,” Jensen says. “I, uh - I haven’t really been feeling that great lately, so I had my phone off for a while.”
“Oh, no. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? I could come over, if you need some company. Or I could bring you some soup, or something. I know I suck at cooking, but I’m really good with can openers and microwaves.”
Jensen closes his eyes as Jared talks. He’s not really lying - he’s felt like crap the whole week - but the genuine concern in Jared’s voice is just making things worse, increasing the ache in his chest. “No, I’m good.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m actually over at Tom’s right now, so he’s making sure I don’t die of dehydration or whatever.”
“Oh,” Jared says. “Okay. Well, he’s probably better at the whole nourishment thing than me, anyway, but just let me know if you need anything, all right? I don’t leave until Friday afternoon, so you’ve got three days to change your mind.”
“Okay.”
“And - Jensen.” Jared pauses for a second. “Just in case I don’t see you before then, Merry Christmas. Have a good time with Tom, okay?”
“Yeah, you too,” Jensen replies. He wants to just leave it at that, but some perverse instinct prevents him from just hanging up. He has to know. “So, is Sandy coming out there with you?”
“Yeah,” Jared says, and Jensen can hear the smile in his voice, bright and wide. “I asked her earlier today, and she said yes.”
Jensen bites his lip until he can trust himself to speak. “Hey, that’s great.”
“Well, it’s all thanks to you,” Jared says. “If you’d left it up to me I’dve probably serenaded her from outside her window, and she’d have thought I was a creepy stalker and gotten a restraining order.”
Jensen winces at the reminder that this is all his fault. “Yeah, no problem. Look, I should probably go.”
“Okay,” Jared says. “Just…Jensen?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you sure you’re okay? You sound funny. Upset, kind of.”
Jensen lets out a breath. “I’m fine. Just not feeling great.”
“Sorry, I should let you go. Call me if you need anything, okay? Anytime.”
Jensen swallows hard. “Okay. See you.”
When he hangs up and turns around, Tom’s not even pretending not to listen. He takes one look at Jensen’s face and holds out the beer Jensen brought him.
* * *
Two days later, Jared can’t get his conversation with Jensen out of his head. He should be thinking about things like flights and getting the dogs ready for the kennel and how the hell he’s going to fit all the gifts he bought into his suitcase without spending all of Christmas naked, but instead, all he can think about is Jensen.
Their conversation was supposed to reassure Jared - he’d been worried about Jensen, after all, since he had no idea what was going on or why Jensen was even upset - but while Jensen said all the right things, including several times that he was fine, Jared can’t shake the feeling that something’s wrong. Jensen wasn’t himself on the phone. He didn’t respond to any of Jared’s attempts at humor or sarcasm, and there was something in his voice - something that was just off - that sparked a flare of worry deep in the pit of Jared’s stomach. Jensen didn’t sound sick, no scratchy voice or congestion, he just seemed tired and - well, the only word Jared can think of to describe it is resigned. Like people are sometimes when he has to tell them that their elderly pets probably won’t be around much longer, or that there’s not much he can do to help an older pet’s failing health. There’s hurt there, and sometimes fear, but not surprise. They know, deep down, that it’s inevitable.
But Jared has absolutely no idea why Jensen would be feeling like that, since he’s young and healthy and not a pet, and trying to figure it out is driving him crazy. Jensen hasn’t called him since they talked, and Jared’s had to stop himself more than once from just picking up his keys and going over to Jensen’s apartment to check up on him.
Because if Jensen’s hurt or sick or needs something, then Jared should be there. He wants to be there. He wants to do whatever it takes to make Jensen feel better, and even if he can’t help or fix anything, he just wants to be there, anyway, because anything’s better than sitting here worrying.
He’s eyeing his keys again, trying to remind himself of all his reasons not to drive to Jensen’s (like a) he hasn’t been invited, b) Jensen could be sleeping or not want company, and c) it borders dangerously close on stalking) and completely failing (because a and b have never stopped him before, and he’s not going to peep in any windows or anything, at least not unless Jensen doesn’t open the door) when his phone rings.
It’s Sandy, and she sounds irritated. “Jared, you promised to email me that travel info yesterday.”
Oh, yeah. Oops. “Sorry. I was going to do it right after work, but then I got kind of distracted.” For a second there, he’d totally forgotten that Sandy was even coming with him to San Antonio.
“Okay, but now I have no idea if we’re even on the same plane or not. The flights are all really crowded, so I had to take the first open seat I found.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Jared says. “We’ll work something out.” Maybe he can stop by Jensen’s on the way to the airport, and ask him to check up on the dogs while Jared’s gone. They’re crazy about him, after all, so it wouldn’t be a weird request. And then Jared can make sure Jensen is okay, and it won’t be as creepy as just showing up.
“Jared? Hello?”
“Oh, sorry,” Jared says, realizing Sandy’s been talking this whole time. “I didn’t hear you. What were you saying?”
“Is something going on?” Sandy asks. “You seem really preoccupied.”
“I’m just kind of worried about Jensen,” Jared admits. “I talked to him a couple days ago, but he didn’t sound good.”
Sandy sighs. “Jared? I’m - I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Jared blinks. “What, talking about Jensen?”
She huffs. “Well - never mind. No, I mean me going home with you.”
“Oh,” Jared says, after a second.
“It just seems a little fast,” Sandy continues. “I really like you, Jared, but I’m not sure we should be doing this right now. Maybe we should just…slow things down a little.”
From the tone of her voice, Jared gets the feeling that by ‘things,’ Sandy means their entire relationship. And that ‘slow’ is more a really nice way to say ‘end.’
He waits for the panic and hurt to hit, for that heart-sinking, soul-crushing despair and devastation that’s bound to follow the woman of his dreams walking all over said dreams and dumping him five days before Christmas, but…it doesn’t. Strangely enough, Jared doesn’t feel much of anything at the moment. He supposes it could be shock, but he’s not particularly surprised by the announcement. Mostly, he just feels like he knew this was going to have to happen sometime.
And maybe he did. He and Sandy do have some things in common, but for the most part, they’re very different people. Their senses of humor are miles apart - Sandy never laughs at Jared’s lame jokes and he misses her more subtle ones - and she gets embarrassed much more easily than him, preferring to ignore something going wrong rather than laugh at her own mistakes the way Jared does. Their friends are different, their hobbies are different, their career paths are different, and sometimes it feels like they spend more time trying to find commonalities than they do enjoying each other's company.
She’s a wonderful girl - she’s everything he thought she was at the beginning, smart and funny and beautiful and nice - but the two of them just don’t fit the way Jared desperately wanted them to. He’s always questioning himself around her, trying to be what he thinks she wants him to be, and he’s never really sure if he lives up to her standards or not. Sandy never seems quite comfortable around Jared, like she’s a perpetual visitor to his life, and he feels the same in hers - he doesn’t fit. He doesn’t mesh. And they could work on that, but the only solution Jared sees is for one of them to change, to reshape themselves to match the other’s expectations, and Jared has to wonder if the time and effort would even be worth it.
Because the thing is, there’s a place he does fit. There’s a person who shares his sense of humor, his friends, his interests, and slid into Jared’s life like there was a place just waiting for him to fill it. It took him a while to wear down the walls Jensen has - they weren’t immediate friends, and it still took a while before Jensen would just relax and be himself around Jared - but now he feels like they’ve known each other forever, that they could talk about anything. They’re comfortable in each other’s lives, like they were meant to be there.
And Jensen’s given him all kinds of advice on how to change - how to be the boyfriend Sandy wanted, the person he thought he should be - but Jensen doesn’t care if Jared can’t cook to save his life. He might roll his eyes at one of Jared’s unique shirts or tease him for considering sandals an all-purpose shoe, but he’d never expect Jared to dress or act a certain way around him.
Sandy clears her throat, and Jared realizes his little epiphany must have taken up a good amount of awkward silence. “Oh. Sorry,” he says. “Um, I think you’re right about the slowing down thing.”
“You do?” she asks, sounding a little shocked.
“Yeah,” Jared says. “There’s some stuff I need to think about, and some time apart would probably be good.”
“Oh. Okay. Well, do you want to call me after the holidays, then?”
“Sure,” Jared says. “Have a great Christmas, okay? Talk to you later.”
“You too,” Sandy says, still sounding bewildered. “Bye.”
But Jared’s already onto the thinking part. Because the thing is, a month ago, he would have been ecstatic about Sandy coming home to meet his family. He’d probably have been calling her five times a day to remind her, and calling his mom another five to make sure everything was perfect at home, and being so nervous and excited that he couldn’t sleep. Instead, he forgot he was even going to ask her until she reminded him, and then it slipped his mind that she was even coming.
And the reason for that is that he was thinking about Jensen. Jensen, who he kissed. Who he was thinking about when kissing Sandy. Who mocks him for bad fashion choices and his devotion to his dogs, but spends an hour on the phone or three nights trying to make the perfect cannelloni if Jared needs it. Jensen, who looks at him sometimes like he can’t believe Jared is really that weird, but always with a hint of a smile behind his scornful look, like he just doesn’t want to admit that he likes it. Jensen, who will sometimes, if you catch him off-guard, smile without any cynicism or sarcasm, just a genuine, bright grin that crinkles his eyes at the corners and causes something warm stir in Jared’s stomach, making it impossible not to smile back. Jensen, who’s gorgeous and a good kisser and a good friend and gets Jared, better than Sandy, through no fault of her own, ever will.
So Jared’s feeling pretty good about Jensen, after the thinking led him to that conclusion, but the problem is, he has almost no idea if Jensen feels the same about him. He knows Jensen looks at him sometimes, eyes catching on his hands or mouth like he doesn’t even notice he’s doing it, and there have been a few times when Jensen’s gazed at him for just a second too long, like time skipped a beat, and there was a hint of something in his eyes - a nameless something that was more than just friendship or affection.
And then there’s the time they kissed. Jared’s pretty sure he wasn’t the only one affected by that little moment - Jensen started out barely responding, but by the time they were interrupted, he was arching up into Jared, pulling him closer at the hips, and when he pulled away, he was flushed and breathing just as hard as Jared.
Remembering that moment is what seals the deal for Jared. A few looks and a maybe-practice kiss aren’t a lot to go by, but Jared’s not Jensen - he doesn’t need a detailed plan and diagrams to do something. All he needs is a gut feeling and a healthy dose of hope, and he’s got both of those in spades right now. So he doesn’t think about it, he just moves. His every instinct is telling him to get to Jensen, to find out if there’s any chance the feeling might be mutual, so he grabs his keys, gets in his car, and goes.
Part Five