Can't Point the Way to Your Heart (J2, NC-17) 5/5

[belyste]

The door buzzer wakes Jensen from a nap, and he only pauses to grab his glasses before rolling off the couch and stumbling blearily to the door.

He’s still waking up, so it takes him longer than it should to realize exactly who the person standing outside his door is. When it finally does sink in, he blinks. “Jared? What are you doing here?”

Jared smiles a little. “Talking to you, obviously.”

Jensen rolls his eyes. “No, I mean, shouldn’t you be packing or planning or something? Don’t you leave for Texas soon?”

Jared rubs the back of his neck, looking away. “Actually, no. Change of plans.” He takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly like he’s working up his courage, then meets Jensen’s eyes. “Sandy’s not coming to Texas. We broke up.”

Jensen stares for a second, barely able to comprehend something so surprising, before his brain flips on and he realizes just how bad this is. “Jared, fuck.” He pulls the door all the way open, dragging Jared inside. “I’m so sorry. Are you okay, man?”

Jared comes easily, trailing Jensen into his living room. “I don’t…I’m not really sure.”

Of course he isn’t, what a stupid question. The guy’s clearly heartbroken. Jensen pushes his shoulder, urging Jared to sit on the couch, and settles cross-legged on the cushion next to him. “What happened?”

Jared shrugs, picking at the loose threads at the edge of the cushion. “Nothing, really. We just both realized it wasn’t really working. She thought things were going too fast, so we agreed that we should take some time off to figure out if this is what we really want.”

“Wait, what?” Jensen asks, frowning. “You agreed to take some time off? Jared, you’re in so in love with this woman that you’d have already proposed if I hadn’t banned you from jewelry stores. You didn’t even try to change her mind?” Jensen’s still kind of fuzzy from his nap, but even he can see the total disconnect between what Jared’s saying and his obvious devotion to Sandy. And Jensen can’t say that he’s really sad that Jared and Sandy broke up, because he’s never thought they were that great together, but that doesn’t matter now. Jared is head over heels for Sandy, and Jensen has to suck it up and help him get her back.

“Yeah, that’s kind of the other part,” Jared says, looking up at Jensen from under his eyelashes.

Jensen sighs and leans back a little, scrubbing his hand through tousled hair. “What other part?”

Jared doesn’t answer right away, eyes cutting away again, and Jensen’s about to ask him again when he realizes exactly where Jared’s looking. Because Jensen’s in casual clothes, a pair of baggy sweats and an old t-shirt that shrunk in the wash a while back, and when he reached up, his shirt rose accordingly, leaving a few inches of his stomach above his pants bare. And Jared’s gaze is fixed on that small strip of skin.

Jensen shifts hastily, letting his shirt fall back down, because that’s not what’s supposed to happen. Jared isn’t supposed to look when he inadvertently shows a little skin - Jared’s not even supposed to blink, because he’s straight and in love with another woman, even if that relationship’s a little…complicated…at the moment. And he’s sure as hell not supposed to look up at Jensen like that, heat and want in his eyes.

“I’ve kind of been thinking about someone else,” Jared confesses, his eyes not leaving Jensen’s.

Jensen’s mouth is suddenly very dry. “You…you have?”

“Yeah,” Jared says softly. He laughs a little. “It’s stupid, but I didn’t notice at first, because I’d never felt anything like that about a guy before. But when you’re kissing the girl who’s supposed to be the woman of your dreams and all you can think about is kissing another guy, you have to admit something’s not right.”

Hope blossoms in Jensen’s chest, easing the dull ache that’s taken up residence since he last saw Jared, but he reins it in, making sure it doesn’t show on his face, because this is his heart on the line here, and he has to be sure. “Jared, what are you saying?”

Jared swallows nervously, clenching his hands together in front of him, but his gaze stays steady on Jensen. “I’m saying that I’m attracted to you. I have been for a while. And I like you, really a lot, and I think that we could be more than just friends.” He swallows again. “I want us to be more than friends.” He bites his lip. “And I’m wondering if there’s any possibility that you feel the same. If there’s any chance you’re willing to try.”

Jensen realizes that he should probably think that over, consider the risks to admitting his feelings, give it a moment to settle so his thoughts are clear and he can make a rational, logical decision. But he’s never been good at following his own advice, so instead he kisses Jared.

Jared makes a startled noise at suddenly having Jensen so near, mouth pressed against his and glasses brushing his nose as Jensen pushes closer, but it shifts lower into a moan when Jensen nips lightly at his lower lip. Jared’s mouth slips open on a gasp, and then their tongues are touching cautiously, meeting and sliding against each other as Jensen gently explores Jared’s mouth, learning him like he advised Jared what feels like a million years ago.

Jared makes another little noise at the back of his throat when Jensen coaxes his tongue into his mouth and sucks, but then he’s pulling back, taking a harsh breath. Jensen follows him unconsciously, but Jared leans back. “Um,” he says. “Should I take that as a yes?”

Jensen blinks. “You seriously have to ask me that?”

Jared grins, dimples flashing. “Just wanted to be sure,” he says, sliding a hand around the back of Jensen’s head and dragging him back to his mouth.

That’s more than fine with Jensen, who’s pretty sure kissing Jared just became his favorite activity in the entire world, even surpassing necessary things like eating or sleeping or breathing. He knew Jared was a good kisser from that other time, but they’d barely gotten started then when they were interrupted, and Jensen wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind to enjoy it. Now, though, when he doesn’t have to worry about Sandy or Jared inadvertently finding out how he feels, he can relax and enjoy the experience, and fuck, he’s really enjoying it. Jared keeps making those little noises every time Jensen does something he likes, whether it’s a rough swipe of tongue along his teeth or a thumb brushing the hollow under his jaw, and Jensen quickly addicted, seeking out hot spots to earn another sound.

Jared, for his part, cups the back of Jensen’s head with warm palms, rubbing thumbs behind his ears, pausing for a second to slide Jensen’s glasses up to rest on the crown of his head before making an impatient noise, sliding his hands to Jensen’s biceps and growling, “Come closer.”

He pulls hard, and Jensen has to plant a knee on either side of Jared’s hips to avoid completely overbalancing and ending up on the floor. The movement leaves him straddling Jared’s lap, and the worn sweats he’s wearing provide only the thinnest barrier against the heat and rough material of Jared’s jeans. Jensen shifts experimentally, sliding a little closer, and even if Jared’s hands hadn’t clamped tight on his shoulders at the movement, the hard heat against Jensen’s thigh makes it pretty clear just how much he’s also enjoying their makeout session.

Jared’s hands slide down to span Jensen’s lower back, holding him in place, then they slip under the hem of his t-shirt, brushing bare skin as they glide up. Jensen’s responding before he can think, arms going over his head, realizing half a second too late that he forgot about his glasses. They go flying along with the shirt, and Jensen should probably worry about where and how they landed, but Jared’s hands are all over him, stroking up and down his back and chest like Jared wants to touch every inch of him, and all Jensen can think is that he should return the favor. He’s got his fingers tangled in the buttons of Jared’s shirt when Jared’s hands land on his ass, aligning Jensen just right across his lap and rocking them together.

The sudden rush of pleasure is a shock to Jensen’s system, and the sharp breath he takes suddenly brings into clear focus exactly what they’re doing. Or, more specifically, where they’re heading, at roughly the speed of a runaway locomotive.

“Jared,” he says breathlessly. “Hey, Jared.”

“Mm,” Jared replies, lining kisses down Jensen’s jaw and neck.

“Hold - uh, hold on a sec,” Jensen says, pushing at Jared’s chest.

Jared leans back obediently, and Jensen almost forgets what he’s supposed to say when he takes in the sight, Jared’s hair tousled around his flushed face and his lips pink and slick with spit. He swallows hard. “Um. We should slow down.”

It comes out more like a question than a statement, and Jared raises his eyebrows. “We should?”

“Yeah,” Jensen says, more firmly this time. “You just broke up with Sandy and figured out you’re attracted to a guy. We should just…take it easy.” He rubs his thumb along his bottom lip, which is still wet and tingling.

Jared’s eyes track the movement, and he looks up at Jensen with a hint of incredulity. “Take it easy? I haven’t gotten laid in months and you’re sitting on my lap and you want me to take it easy?”

Jensen knows what he means, because sitting in Jared’s lap is making it difficult for Jensen to remember why they’re even having this conversation. His downstairs brain knows exactly what it wants to be doing right now, and it sure as hell doesn’t involve talking. But Jensen has to say something, because he’s done with assumptions and misunderstandings. “I know. But just a few days ago you were straight and in love with Sandy, and - “

“I thought I was totally straight and in love with Sandy,” Jared corrects.

“Fine,” Jensen says. “But this - you and me - I can’t just be casual about it. This last week, not seeing you or talking to you, it was - “ He shakes his head. “I can’t just be an experiment or your rebound fuck.”

Jared’s eyes soften, and he rubs a thumb gently along Jensen’s hipbone. “I know. And you’re not. I don’t want something casual, or a rebound or experiment.” He sighs. “And I know you - I know that you want some kind of proof or a guarantee - but I can’t give you any. You’re just going to have to trust me on this, okay?” His voice drops an octave, and he pins Jensen with his gaze. “I know what I want.”

Desire is plain in his eyes, heated enough to make Jensen shiver, but there’s something else there, something steady and solid behind it, and it’s that unnamed reassurance that makes Jensen nod and say, “Okay.”

“Good. Can we please have sex now?” Jared asks. “Because I think I might die if we don’t.”

Jensen laughs. “Well, I don’t want to be responsible for your death. I guess we’re just going to have to.”

“Oh, thank God,” Jared says, pulling Jensen down for a kiss.

Jensen finishes what he started earlier with Jared’s shirt, urging him forward to pull it off, then slides his hands down to the front of Jared’s jeans. He wants to explore all the newly-bared skin in front of him, to learn every inch of it and map the spots that are ticklish or sensitive, but right now he agrees with Jared - they need to take the edge off. Besides, there’ll be more time for exploration later. Just knowing that this won’t be the only time, knowing that Jared wants this and the two of them can (theoretically) have all the sex they want, floods Jensen with heat, and he makes quick work of the button and zipper, pushing denim and cotton aside so he can take Jared’s cock in his hand.

Jared moans and bucks up beneath him, encouragements and exclamations falling from his mouth as Jensen experiments with pressure and speed.

It’s intoxicating, and when an idea comes to Jensen, he doesn’t even think about it, just backs off the couch onto the floor and pulls Jared forward to the edge of the cushion, dragging his jeans and boxers down to his ankles before sliding his lips over Jared’s cock.

Jared says, “Oh, Jesus,” and Jensen barely has time to get comfortable, slipping lips and tongue around the head and sliding down farther to suck, before Jared’s jerking his hips and coming.

Jensen swallows as best he can without much warning, wiping the excess from his mouth with his hand.

Jared sprawls back on the couch. “I thought you said you didn’t want to kill me,” he says breathlessly.

Jensen climbs back on top of him and gives him a short, smacking kiss. “I lied.”

He doesn’t take it any further, not sure if Jared really wants a mouthful of come on his first try at this, but Jared makes a protesting noise, drawing him back in, and kisses Jensen thoroughly, tasting Jensen and himself eagerly.

Then he’s sliding a cautious hand down Jensen’s stomach and under the waistband of his sweats, wrapping around his cock, and Jensen reaches down to help, shoving the pants down over his hips. Jared’s hands are huge, all wide palms and long fingers, and Jensen’s had more than one impure thought about how they’d feel on certain parts of his anatomy. This feels even better than he imagined, though, and it’s not long before he’s arching into Jared’s hand and coming over their stomachs.

After a few minutes of silence where they both catch their breaths and process what just happened, Jensen says, “We should move soon, before we get even more gross.”

Jared squirms a little beneath him. “Yeah. I can’t actually feel my legs right now. I think all circulation below my waist has been cut off.”

“Dude, why didn’t you say something?” Jensen asks, starting to shift his weight.

“Because I don’t care,” Jared says, keeping him in place with firm hands at his hips. “Besides, it could just be because this was the hottest thing to ever happen to me. Maybe your blowjobs are just so awesome they blew all the fuses in my brain.”

Jensen snorts into Jared’s neck. “I’m trying really hard not to make the obvious joke here.”

“I’m going to have to check out that book from the library - what was it called again? Something about blowing his mind in bed? - so I can return the favor.”

“Or we could just have a lot of sex,” Jensen suggests. “I’ll let you practice on me whenever you want.”

“Mm, generous.”

“That’s me.” Jensen stretches, groaning a little at the pull of tight muscles. “Come on, I need to clean up.”

He stands, yanking up his sweats, and heads for the bathroom. Jared appears in the doorway a few seconds later, and Jensen tosses him a damp washcloth before pushing him toward the bedroom.

His bed’s messy and unmade, pillows scattered from a sleepless night, but Jensen doesn’t care. He flops down on the mattress and stretches out, watching out of the corner of his eye as Jared strips down to boxers. Jared’s just climbing on the bed when there’s an irritated squawk and Oscar’s head pokes up from behind a pillow, where he’s apparently been napping.

“Shit,” Jared says, backing away. “I don’t need another bite from you, dude.”

Jensen tries to pick the kitten up and move him to the floor, but Oscar squirms out of his hands and makes a beeline for Jared, tail waving high behind him.

Jared pulls his feet back and covers his crotch protectively, making Jensen snicker, but Oscar only sniffs at his knee delicately before looking up at Jared.

Jared looks back, raising his eyebrows, and Oscar, apparently satisfied, squints his eyes and rubs his head against Jared’s knee, purring loudly.

“What the hell?” Jared asks, offering a tentative hand and watching Oscar arch into it like it’s an amazing massage.

Jensen yawns, turning his face into the pillow. “Guess he likes you now. Or he’s happy I got laid.”

Jared laughs. “What a good little kitty.” Then the bed dips, and he’s stretched out behind Jensen, warm and solid, and Jensen relaxes into sleep without a second thought.

*      *      *

When Jensen wakes up a few hours later, it’s dark outside, and Jared’s licking along his spine. The first observation is just a meaningless detail, but the second one has him half-hard already, Jared kissing and sucking each knob of bone from his shoulders to the back of his neck, and Jensen quickly turns over to cover that mouth with his own.

Jared kisses him lazily, hands roaming over Jensen’s back, before laying on his back and pulling Jensen on top of him. He tugs Jensen’s sweatpants down, shucking his own boxers, and then they’re naked against each other for the first time, and it’s pretty damn awesome.

Jensen rocks down with his hips, drawing an appreciative groan from Jared when their cocks slide together, and he’s totally on board with this plan, happy to get off like this, pressed skin-to-skin, but then Jared pulls back for a second and murmurs, “You should fuck me.”

Jensen nearly bites his tongue in surprise. “What?”

“I want you to,” Jared says, shifting beneath him and spreading his legs wider.

“Jesus,” Jensen says, then, “I don’t know. Maybe we should wait.”

Jared makes an impatient noise. “Didn’t we already talk about taking it easy? And how that’s not what either of us want?”

“Yeah, but this is a little different than getting each other off on the couch,” Jensen points out. “For one thing, you’ve never done it before.”

“Yeah,” Jared admits. “But I’ve got the best life coach in the world right here to get me through it.”

Jensen’s still not convinced, but Jared just says, “I want to do this with you. I trust you,” looking up at him with those wide, earnest eyes, and Jensen’s powerless to resist.

Besides, he can’t deny that he wants to do this. He’s in love with Jared, after all, and the idea that Jared can be his - all of him, from head to toe, his first time doing this - it’s a heady, intoxicating feeling. “Okay,” he says, kissing Jared hard. “Okay.”

First things first. Jensen climbs over Jared to get at his bedside table, fumbling through the drawer for supplies. It’s lucky he even has them, given how long it’s been since he’s brought anyone here with the intention of doing this.

Jared’s eyes land on the lube and condom when Jensen sets them on the bed, and he watches as Jensen opens the bottle and slicks fingers, following Jensen’s hand warily. When Jensen kneels between his legs, gently pushing his thighs apart, Jared’s chest is rising and falling a little faster than normal. Jensen runs a reassuring hand down Jared’s stomach, rubbing for a second, then strokes his cock slowly. He meets Jared’s eyes. “Just relax, okay?”

Jared nods, and Jensen lets his other hand drift lower to circle his opening before pushing one finger inside. Jared tenses a little at the intrusion, but Jensen keeps a steady rhythm on his cock and murmurs meaningless praise and reassurance as he works the finger deeper. Jared’s eyes widen suddenly when Jensen finds the spot inside of him, his breath coming shorter again, but in a good way this time, and when Jensen rubs against it, Jared relaxes enough for a second finger.

From there it’s not far to a third, and by the time Jensen’s got him comfortable with three, hips pushing down to meet his hand, Jared’s flushed and panting. His voice is gravelly when he says, “Now, Jensen.”

And there’s no way Jensen’s going to refuse an order like that, not when he can feel how hot and tight Jared is around his fingers. He pulls back, wiping his hand on the sheets, and reaches for the condom.

Jared sits up then, batting Jensen’s hand away. “Let me.” He rolls it down carefully, squeezing a little at the base and grinning at Jensen’s gasp. He takes the lube and coats his fingers, stroking until Jensen has to stop him before he forgets what he’s actually supposed to be doing here. Jared lays back, pulling Jensen down with him, and Jensen settles between his thighs, pressing Jared’s knees up. He pauses for a second, because he feels like he should say something here - something reassuring, or some helpful advice, or even a sappy declaration - but Jared just grins and raises an eyebrow, like sometime today? and Jensen is totally unsurprised that his inability to refuse Jared anything transfers right over into sex. He growls and pushes in, sheathing himself in tight heat.

Jared goes quiet then, breath catching and fingers clenching on Jensen’s shoulders, and Jensen stays still, giving him time to adjust. He busies himself sucking kisses down the side of Jared’s arched neck, one hand going back to stroking his cock between them, and after a few moments Jared says, “Okay, you can - I’m good.”

He still sounds a little unsure, though, so Jensen goes slow, even though it’s killing him, and starts talking again, just repeating nonsense like that’s it, yeah and so good, just like that, just talking him through the whole thing. He doesn’t know if Jared even hears, but it seems to help, and it’s not long before Jared’s rocking up into him, meeting his thrusts, and making some noise of his own. When Jensen shifts a little, finding just the right angle to brush against his prostate on every stroke, Jared goes still and tense again, but this time it’s not discomfort. He arches up, moaning loudly, and it only takes a few seconds before he’s coming over Jensen’s hand, and God, Jensen is just never going to get used to watching that. Seeing Jared come apart, right in front of him, and knowing that it’s because of him, because of his hands and mouth and cock, and because Jared wants him just as much as he wants Jared - it’s pretty much the best thing in the world, and Jensen’s following almost immediately, world going blurry around the edges as he comes.

*      *      *

They clean up again a bit before settling down, but this time Jared’s not tired. Instead of dozing off, like Jensen is beside him, Jared’s wide awake, mind going a million miles a minute.

Because, for one thing, he just had sex with Jensen. Sex. With Jensen. It’s hard enough to believe that he just slept with the guy who’s been his friend for a month and only something more than that for a few hours, because Jared really didn’t see this one coming. He didn’t come over to Jensen’s apartment intending to offer himself up like this. He was thinking they’d be able to talk, hoping that maybe Jensen would be amenable to his more-than-friends plan, and not even considering - well, not much, anyway - that they’d do much more. He’s still kind of shocked that Jensen agreed, much less that Jensen kissed him and sucked him off and fucked him, and he’s still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Jensen feels the same about him.

Actually, judging by the way Jensen was during sex (and the possessive hand that’s currently resting over Jared’s heart), he’s pretty sure this goes a little deeper for Jensen, and that he’s been wanting it longer. It makes sense, now - if Jensen wanted Jared, it’s not surprising hearing about Jared’s Christmas plans with Sandy upset him. Jared just wishes he’d figured things out sooner, both because he could have spared Jensen the misery, and he could have had this - had Jensen - sooner.

Because that’s the other thing - not only did Jared have sex with Jensen, he also enjoyed it. Like, really a lot. And that’s kind of surprising. Not because he thought it’d be bad, or anything - he’s seen the way Jensen is, careful and precise in every area of his life, and it only made sense that he’d be good at sex, too, would know exactly what to do and how to make it amazing.

No, it’s more because Jared really liked it - he’s pretty sure he’s going to want to do it again as soon as he’s a little less sore, and then as many times as they can fit in before he absolutely has to fly home (he’s thinking late Christmas Eve, so he can fly back early the day after Christmas and be here to have lots of celebratory holiday sex with Jensen) - and he came scarily close to missing it completely.

He spent his whole life not knowing he wanted this, after all, having no idea how good it would be, and if things had been even the slightest bit different, he might be on a plane with Sandy right now, flying to San Antonio blissfully unaware what he was leaving behind. And that’s a chilling thought, because while Jared only has a few minutes of cautious kissing with Sandy to compare to, everything about being with Jensen is ridiculously, exponentially better. And knowing that he might have left Jensen here, miserable, and enjoyed himself at home, almost makes him sick.

He can’t suppress a little shudder, and Jensen must feel it, because he lifts his head off Jared’s shoulder and says, “You okay?”

He looks like the definition of well-fucked, hair sticking every which way and mouth bruised, eyes dark and face completely relaxed, and when Jared grins and replies, “I’m awesome,” it’s the God’s honest truth.

Jensen nods, but he doesn’t lay back down, looking thoughtful.

“What about you?” Jared asks.

“I’m good,” Jensen says automatically, but then he ducks his head a little. “I’m just - are we - ? Is this - “

“I can’t really answer until there’s a question in there,” Jared says, but he keeps his tone light to let Jensen know he’s teasing.

Jensen sighs. “I know. I don’t even know what I’m really asking. I just - I want to be sure. About you. About us.”

“I know,” Jared replies, lifting a hand to stroke along the back of Jensen’s neck. “And I know you’re the expert life coach, but maybe it’s time for me to give you a little advice.” He rubs his thumb under Jensen’s jaw, catching on stubble. “Because you know all about planning and perfect relationships, but I know a thing or two about following your heart, even when you know it’s going to be a crazy ride and you’re not sure where you’ll end up.”

Jensen smiles a little at that, and Jared returns it. “Just trust me, okay? I can’t promise you things will be perfect or we’ll know exactly what to do, but I can promise you one thing - you can trust me.”

“I do,” Jensen says, and he looks a little surprised himself that he’s saying it. But then he grins, and it’s that no-holds-barred happy grin that Jared loves so much, and as always, he’s helpless not to grin back.

Because they’re going to be okay. They’re going to be fine. He doesn’t know exactly how it’s going to go, or what he’s going to tell Sandy or his family, or even what they’re going to do tomorrow. But he knows he’s going to wake up next to Jensen, and they’ll work it out together, and that’s good enough for him.