Comments | becauseimjude: what really matters

becauseimjude

what really matters

Dec 27, 2011 00:33

ive been really struggling with truly identifying myself. i have moments of horrible confusion where i suddenly think im just a very strongly-male-identifying straight girl, and not a true gay ftm. and then, right after, i have these intense feelings of self-acceptance when i think about my gender.

i suppose its just me coming to terms with ( Read more... )

coming out, self-acceptance, realization

Comments 4

*lurks* aaskew December 27 2011, 08:54:34 UTC

I RELATE SO MUCH to that whole bit about shopping with your mother. that is pretty much identical to what used to happen with me, and how my mother would keep commenting that I would look so good in random articles of women's clothing, and how other girls would be jealous of how thin I was and I shouldn't waste it by wearing baggy clothes, and argh all that stuff. I'd been coveting the stuff in the men's department for years, but never got up the courage to buy anything from there.

"and the day continued with a few instances of that, but also involved me being freaking confused because i found myself thinking i looked "cute" in some girls clothes, and i thought what the hell is wrong with me? am i a girl? but so much of the time it doesn't feel like that."

that doesn't mean anything at all; if you can find girls in general cute (in a platonic way), then there's no reason why your current reflection should be exempt. ...not to mention all the gay men out there who love cross-dressing and women's fashion.

Re: *lurks* becauseimjude December 27 2011, 09:09:19 UTC

i never thought about that before, what you said about finding girls cute in a platonic way.

i have NEVER found myself attracted to girls in any way at all sexually, never even considered them, but i could always easily appreciate their cute clothes, and would be able to compliment them.

i suppose i'm just doing the same to my current (unfortunately) female reflection.

thanks for that insight :)

Re: *lurks* aaskew December 27 2011, 09:23:46 UTC

:D
My sexual orientation actually fluctuated a bit when I first started T... I'd previously never experienced any sexual attraction whatsoever to girls, but after starting T I started finding girls a lot more interesting to look at. I don't know if it was actual sexual attraction. It could have been part of that teenage-boy period of being extremely horny and turned on by everything (including inanimate objects), or due to seeing myself and my body now as increasingly distinct and different from girls, and finding that difference attractive in its novelty, as well as the thought that they might now see me as a guy and if they were straight they might be attracted to me.

it eventually settled down and I'm back to being exclusively attracted to men. but I definitely (platonically) appreciate women's bodies a lot more than I did pre-T, because there's a lot less dysphoria getting in the way and they don't remind me as much of my own body. instead, they remind me of how my body is getting more and more different from theirs, and that ( ... )

psychedelicspit December 31 2011, 16:16:26 UTC

Oh god, I can really relate to all of this... I mean, I came out to my parents when I was 14 and because of this and because of the different circumstances in my life outside of being trans, it was hell. Like, it was borderline abusive. So in the end I went back to trying to be a girl and because I still live with my mum and will do for a few years. I'm just having to lie low-- being wary of what clothes I buy (even though, with my income, that is very rare). She's hyper-aware of any masculine behaviour or anything that I do and picks a fight or even just 'comments' if I dress in an un-feminine way. To be honest, most of this is irrelevant. I should really do a blog post on my own journal about this sort of shit ( ... )