what really matters

[becauseimjude]

ive been really struggling with truly identifying myself. i have moments of horrible confusion where i suddenly think im just a very strongly-male-identifying straight girl, and not a true gay ftm. and then, right after, i have these intense feelings of self-acceptance when i think about my gender.

i suppose its just me coming to terms with

Comments

[psychedelicspit]

Oh god, I can really relate to all of this... I mean, I came out to my parents when I was 14 and because of this and because of the different circumstances in my life outside of being trans, it was hell. Like, it was borderline abusive. So in the end I went back to trying to be a girl and because I still live with my mum and will do for a few years. I'm just having to lie low-- being wary of what clothes I buy (even though, with my income, that is very rare). She's hyper-aware of any masculine behaviour or anything that I do and picks a fight or even just 'comments' if I dress in an un-feminine way. To be honest, most of this is irrelevant. I should really do a blog post on my own journal about this sort of shit.

But yeah, especially with the boyfriend thing. I've been trying to kid myself a lot that I could make a straight relationship work and that I could live this life as my mum and everyone else wants me to, but I don't honestly think that I can. I want a boy to love me as a boy. I'm a gay man, my body is wrong. I can dress as a girl but inwardly I feel like shit. I don't feel right. I feel 100 times better, more confident and attractive in menswear and my brothers' hand-me-downs. But it's not the little things that matter, as you said. It's the sexual stuff that you feel and the dysphoria of hating your sex and the moulds that it encourages you to try and fit in. To the point of suicide, or suicidal feelings.

Good luck. :)