Toy Of My Life 3/4
Title: Toy of My Life 3/4
Pairing: Jaejoong/Yunho (implied Miyavi/GDragon)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Once again, they are not mine to own or purchase or play with.
Summary: When I bought U-know, I thought it was just another purchase. I always had a bad habit of growing attached to my toys, but I have never fallen in love with one.
WARNING: underage!Yunho (Jaejoong is 29, Yunho is 17, and GDragon is 14[but smut with him is only implied])
A/N: This is a companion fic to Toy With My Heart
Poster credit goes to haleycp! Thank you! ♥
Part 3:
The night before Yamapi and Miyavi were scheduled to leave, the five of us (me, Yamapi, Miyavi, my Dragon and my U-know) were in my rooms. Yamapi and I were sitting in arm chairs, drinking scotch. Miyavi and my two toys were playing yutnori in the middle of the floor.
I kept glancing at them, and losing the thread of our conversation.
Yamapi chuckled, low in his throat. I knew that Miyavi had heard him, and seen the look I shot him, but my toys hadn’t. They were playing against Miyavi as a team and were currently discussing tactics.
“What?” I almost snapped.
“You grow attached to your toys too easily, my friend,” Yamapi said. “But I can’t tell which one has your heart strings tied in knots right now.”
“Fuck off,” I said and looked back at my toys.
Yamapi smiled.
“Miyavi-sama?” my Dragon said, tilting his head to the side.
“Yes, Dragon-in-ah?”
My Dragon smiled widely at the endearment. He giggled and then composed himself. He crawled over to Miyavi and said, “Do you like me or U-know more?”
“My Dragon,” I said, warning him.
He looked over at me, and then bit his lower lip.
“I like you both,” Miyavi said, chucking my Dragon under his chin.
“Are you going to buy one of us, Miyavi-sama?”
“Dragon,” I said, more harshly.
Miyavi smiled at me, and then down at my Dragon. “I don’t know. Should I?”
“Yes.”
“And who should I choose? You are the most adorable toy Jaejoong has, but U-know is amazing too.”
“Then you should buy us both.”
“Dragon, you know better than that,” I said.
My Dragon sat with his legs crossed and pouted at the floor.
“Sorry,” I said to Miyavi, “he’s eager to be purchased.”
Miyavi laughed. “I can tell. What about you?” he said, petting U-know’s shoulder. “Are you eager to be purchased?”
“Yes, but not as eager as Dragon is, Miyavi-sama. He’s eager about everything.”
Miyavi laughed, and so did I because it was so true. My Dragon continued to pout. I smiled and then said, “It is way past time for you two to be in bed, isn’t it?”
“Yes, master,” they chorused.
“Go on to the bathroom and take a bath.”
My Dragon pouted up at Miyavi and then said, “You’re not leaving, are you Miyavi-sama?”
“No, Dragon. Not until tomorrow.”
“Okay. Will you ask my master if I can sleep with you tonight?”
“Dragon!”
He smiled at me, unrepentant.
“Go. Now. You are very close to being punished.”
He turned around and followed after U-know. As soon as the door shut behind them, I took a deep breath and sagged in my chair.
Miyavi sat cross-legged and stared at me with a smile on his face.
“What?” I asked.
“Which one are you in love with?” Yamapi asked.
“Fuck off. I’m not in love with them.”
“Liar,” Yamapi sang.
I glared at him and looked at Miyavi. “Which one would you like?”
He smiled. Enigmatic. Annoying. He shook his head. “I enjoy them both. Hell, I enjoyed Aiden and Key and Seungri. All your toys are tempting.”
“Why are you even asking him?” Yamapi said. “You never give your clients a choice. You introduce them to who they work well with.”
“And so I did,” I replied. “It’s not my fault he met U-know before he met my Dragon.”
“You think I would work well with Dragon?” he said, head tilting.
“Yes.”
I sighed again, because I wasn’t sure if it was that, or if it was just because I didn’t want to let U-know go. My feelings for him were clouding my judgment again, and I hated it. But at the same time, I could not ignore the way Miyavi looked at my Dragon, or the way the two laughed and played with each other.
“You have similar personalities,” I continued, trying to convince myself that it was the right thing to do, “and he seems to genuinely like you. I’ve been doing this for long enough, Miyavi, and I’ve learned to watch actions and reactions. Your initial reaction to U-know was definitely a good one, but If you had met my Dragon first, I think your reaction to him would have been a little more extreme.”
Yamapi snorted. “He acted like a love-sick girl when Dragon first smiled at him and called him sama.”
I nodded. “And that’s what I look for in a prospective owner. Yes, I also think that you would do well with U-know. Unlike some, you don’t mind that he’s almost eighteen. But the difference is in your look. You look at U-know like you want to fuck him. You look at Dragon like you want to make him the happiest toy in the whole world.”
Miyavi looked at Yamapi. “He’s good.”
Yamapi grinned. “I told you so.”
“He’s a lot more expensive than U-know though.”
I nodded. “Yeah. He’s in high demand, all that fun stuff.”
“How much can I talk you down in the price for him?”
I grinned. “You can’t. Sleep with him tonight, and then you’ll understand why.”
Miyavi laughed, and then smiled at Yamapi. “I get a toy for the night.”
“Fuck you, bitch.”
I turned to Yamapi. “When are you going to buy a toy?”
“When you’ll let me.”
I thought about it for a moment. “You know. I have this Japanese boy. He doesn’t speak Japanese, because he was born in Korea, and he’s not ready yet, but I’ll let you meet him tomorrow.”
“Ooh. You’re holding out on me?” He put his hand to his heart. “I’m hurt, my friend. So wounded.”
“Just wait until tomorrow. You know I love you, Pi.”
“What’s his name?”
“Tegoshi. Pretty thing, too, for almost fifteen. He’s a cocky slut, though. I think you can handle him.”
“Oh, god, I’m already hard. Let me see him tonight.”
“No. I’m sure his handler already has him in bed.”
“Damn. God, now I’m excited.”
I smiled. “Come on, Miyavi. Let’s go get our toys from the bathroom and leave Yamapi to take care of himself with the whiskey as his companion.”
They laughed. Miyavi stood up and followed me to the bathroom. My Dragon and U-know were splashing each other in the tub, laughing.
“Is this a swimming pool, my lovely toys?” I asked.
They stopped immediately, looking down, trying to look contrite, but smiling.
I handed a towel to Miyavi and then took one of my own. “My handsome toy, come on. Let’s go to bed. Dragon is going to sleep with Miyavi tonight.”
“Really, master?” my Dragon said, eyes widening, mouth threatening to split from his smile.
“Yes, really. Be good. Don’t make me change my mind.”
My Dragon shook from excitement as he climbed from the tub. He kneeled and shivered more as Miyavi dried him off.
U-know climbed out of the tub, smiling at me. I stopped him before he could kneel, wrapping the towel around him. I kissed his lips softly. My heart swelled from … something … because I was going to keep him for a little longer. And then guilt filled me. He would be eighteen in less than three weeks. This may have been his only chance. But I knew that Miyavi and my Dragon were more suited for one another.
“When was the last time I carried you?” I whispered.
“A long time, master.”
“You’re heavier now. And taller. God, how much are you going to grow?” He was almost taller than I was.
He grinned, and I kissed him again. A little more forceful. A feeling of relief filled me and then I tried to rationalize it away.
I couldn’t. I knew in that moment, in that bathroom, that I was too attached to U-know.
I pulled away from the kiss and said, “Miyavi, you don’t have to wait for us. You know where your room is.”
“M-master?” my Dragon said.
I turned to them.
Miyavi had wrapped him in the towel and picked him up. My Dragon frowned at me.
“What’s wrong, my Dragon?”
He held out his hands and I smiled and moved over to them for a moment. His arms wrapped around my neck and he kissed my skin briefly.
“Thank you, master.”
I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. I hugged him tightly and kissed his forehead. “Have fun tonight, okay. But remember …”
“No sex. I know, master.” He looked back up at Miyavi, and the adoration in both of their eyes is what I looked for when pairing a toy with someone.
Miyavi turned around and left the bathroom. My handsome toy had fallen to his knees, and I held out my hand. He took it and I pulled him back to his feet.
“Come to bed with me, my handsome toy.”
U-know smiled widely at me, and my breath caught. I turned my back before he could analyze my expression. Or before I could. I held his hands, and then put them around my waist, so my back was molded to his chest while we walked through the room. Yamapi had left the main area, probably already in his room. We went to the bed. I pushed U-know to the mattress and then straddled his lap. I stared and wondered, doubting, if this was love in his eyes, or just a toy with his master?
How long could I be in denial? How long could I keep the truth from myself and from him? I had to say it. Say it out loud and make this real.
“My handsome.” My voice broke.
He frowned, worried. “Master?”
I shook my head, throat suddenly tight, closed. I leaned down and put my face at his neck, inhaling. His arms wrapped around my body, and I let him hold me close, pressed together, on top of the blankets. I played with the still-wet strands of his hair. Maybe he did not feel love for me yet. Maybe he would. If I explained … If I showed him what it was like. But was that fair to him? Was it fair to take away his chance at having a real owner?
“Are you sad that Dragon is going away, master?”
I smiled and then nodded. “Yes. But … but, god, I’m so selfish, my darling. I’m so selfish.”
He looked confused. I pressed a kiss to his lips briefly.
“I am sad that Dragon is going away,” I said, swallowing past the lump in my throat, “but I’m so glad it’s not you who is leaving me.”
He smiled and whispered, “M-me too, master.”
I let out a rush of breath, spun us over so we were lying on our sides, and wrapped myself up in his arms and legs and body as tightly as I could, pressing my cheek against his bare chest. I wanted to beg him to stay with me, beg him to never leave, beg him to let me purchase him. But it was not fair to him. It wasn’t.
I rolled away with a cry and curled up with a pillow. I could not touch him. Not until I calmed down. Not until my heart stopped aching.
His warm hand settled my arm, and I inhaled sharply.
“M-master.”
I bit my lip on a promise, on a demand, on a declaration. It was not love. I wasn’t. Just … too attached and too … emotional, and stressed.
Someone would buy U-know. Someone would. And then I’d …
I’d what?
Get over it?
I did not want to get over it.
His hand went further, sliding over my arm, to my waist. The heat from his body curled around me. “Master, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, my darling. Nothing.”
I felt him swallow, and then very softly, he said, “M-master?”
“What?”
“I … I don’t want …”
He stopped and I was glad he did, because no matter what he said next, I wasn’t going to like it. I wasn’t going to accept it.
I rolled on my back, and he stayed next to me, on his side. I reached up and touched his cheek. He leaned into the touch. I curled my fingers around his jaw and pulled him down for a deep kiss. I pulled on his body until he was over me, pressing his hips into mine, arms by my head. I gripped his back, holding him as tightly as I could as I tried to kiss him harder, take him deeper into my mouth.
My darling moaned, and the noise spun around us, echoing through the room.
I broke away with a gasp as pleasure clouded my thoughts, and my heart felt like it was going to stop. His lips touched my jaw, unbidden, unrequested, but not unwanted. I tilted my head back, gasping into the dark as he kissed down my neck. His fingers played with my t-shirt until he pushed it up and hit skin. I gasped, leaned up and grabbed the back of it. It tore as I ripped it over my head.
I never lost control with my toys, but tonight, I was going to. I knew it, and I should have stopped it. Instead, I pushed U-know over, forcefully enough that he landed on his back, releasing a gust of air. I straddled his waist and attacked his neck with my lips and teeth. I was shaking badly. His moans filled the room as I littered his skin with bites and hickys. I never, ever marked my toys, but U-know was mine. All mine. And not for sale. Not ever.
U-know gasped under the treatment. His little whimpers spurred me on because no one had ever treated him this way. Jihoon had taken him, forced him, but JIhoon did not love him.
I loved him. I loved U-know more than I thought I could.
With an agonized moan, I pulled away from the mark I’d been imprinting on his chest. Again, I curled away from him. Our heavy breathing echoed in the room for long minutes.
He pressed a hand to my back, warm, hot, possessive. Maybe I thought the last one. This was not fair to U-know. He knew no differently. He did not know what love was, what proper love was. I would show him. If he’d let me, but I would never force myself on him. Not like this.
But also, U-know would choose to stay with me, if I asked him. I think … the fear of him saying no kept me from asking. Slowly the hand lowered, resting at the top of my pants.
My darling was probably so confused.
I looked over my shoulder. His eyes were shut, there were wet shining lines on his cheeks. Panic flooded me.
“My darling?” I whispered and turned quickly to wipe his tears away.
“I-I’m sorry, master,” he said, voice breaking. “I-If … maybe, if I were younger, you … would w-want me, and … ” He turned his face away from me.
I turned it back with a firm grip on his chin. I kissed his quivering lips. “You are perfect as you are, my handsome toy.” I crawled over him again, movement softer and sincere. “I’m so sorry. You make me crazy, my darling. So fucking crazy.”
He frowned and I kissed it away. “That is not a bad thing,” I continued. “I … Well, …” I had to be careful, and word this properly. “Do you want an owner?”
“Yes, master.”
“Why?”
“B-because, well, isn’t that the point, master? To be purchased before I’m eighteen.”
“I told you that when you turn eighteen you do not have to leave here. You can stay.”
“I-I know, master.”
“Do you want to leave?”
The conflict on his face was almost painful.
“I’m sorry, my darling. That was a poorly worded question.” I kissed him again, slow, more like how we normally kiss. His lips stopped shaking. I sucked his lower lip into my mouth and nibbled on it lightly. His fingers pressed against my back, like he was too distracted from the kiss to actually clench. His breath gasped between us.
This was not fair to him, because the love I felt coursing through me for this toy was not the same as it should have been. Guilt filled me. U-know knew nothing different. He did not know of the real world or how things worked.
But was that true? He’d been in the hands of a sadistic bastard for nine years. Maybe he did understand.
I pulled away from his lips with a whimper. I love you hung on my lips, but my voice refused to say it. I could not take his options away. Confessing would bind him to me and he … maybe he wanted it. But maybe that was my own thoughts.
“Master,” he said, and he touched my face. My cheeks were wet. “Why are you crying, master?”
The concern in his voice clenched my heart even more tightly. I gripped his wrists and kissed his palm, shaking my head, eyes shut. I felt the tears spread by his fingers. I pulled his hand away.
“I’m sorry, my darling,” I whispered and kissed his fingertips. I lay next to him, facing away from him. I couldn’t look at him. When he curled up to my back, I let myself cry again. I did not know if he slept. I know I did not.
---
My emotions from the night before rolled over to the next morning as we said goodbye to my Dragon. He was afraid because he was not only being purchased, but he was going to have to move to a different country and learn a different language, but the way Miyavi coddled him and touched him and smiled at him, I knew that they were a good match.
It was not just my feelings for U-know that made me think that.
That was a relief, but … but what if someone else came along who was a good match for my handsome darling?
I did not want to think about that.
My Dragon cried, and I let myself cry also, to show him that I would miss him. He’d been with me for a long time. Longer than some toys.
I did not regret my decision to sell him to Miyavi. After their night together, I had never seen my Dragon happier.
“I love you, master,” my Dragon whispered as I hugged him close.
I smiled and whispered it back, because it was true. I loved my Dragon as he loved me. My heart hurt from letting him go, like it usually did when I sold a toy. But it was nothing compared to the pain of thinking of saying goodbye to my U-know.
My Dragon pulled back from my neck and kissed my cheek. “Will you come and visit me?”
I looked past him, to Miyavi, and then I nodded after Miyavi did. “Maybe one day, when I’m in Japan.”
My Dragon hugged me again, legs tightening around my waist and arms around my neck.
I chuckled. “Come now, my Dragon. Miyavi is going to think you don’t want to go with him.”
My Dragon pulled away quickly, eyes wide with fear. “I … I don’t mean--”
I pressed a single kiss to his lips. “I know,” I said and took a few steps to Miyavi. He held his arms out and my Dragon climbed from my arms to his.
We said our final goodbyes, and I watched as Miyavi walked away. My Dragon curled in his arms, but he smiled and waved goodbye, and I smiled back. I was really going to miss him.
My handsome darling kneeled next to me. We’d allowed them to say goodbye too. I touched his head, fingers in his hair. He arched into the touch. I frowned at the many dark marks on his neck and shoulders. I could not show him again until they were gone, and that would take a few days. Yamapi said to cover them in make up, but that was not an option. My toys were not made up and hidden behind a layer of fake perfection. I only showed potential owners perfection.
I sighed. “Come on, my handsome darling, let’s go get some breakfast.” I tugged on his hair and he crawled after me.
---
Two sleepless nights later, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. My handsome darling lay next to me as always. A man had showed an interest in him, just by me describing him, but again, I knew it was not because he wanted my darling, just his body.
Not that I blamed him.
U-know’s body had filled out. He worked out in the gym everyday, and his muscles were more defined than my younger toys. He was growing into himself, and I felt like he grew three centimeters every day.
My emotions ran wild, unbidden, all over. I kept U-know by me, and I know that made it worse, but the thought of him being with anyone else was so painful. I took him everywhere, to the point where I was treating him like my own toy, rather than one I had to sell. He didn’t mind. He enjoyed being with me. I knew he did. And knowing it was stupid, I once again postponed the day when I would mark him as eighteen on my records. I took a possible week away from him being sold by marking him up, so I added it, as my own punishment for losing control.
Day by day, the marks faded on his body. As they healed, I grew more jumpy, more emotional, snappy.
Changmin called me a bitch more than once, and when Changmin of all people started calling you a snarky bitch, then you know something was wrong. But fixing what was wrong is what made me even jumpier, more emotional and snappier. It was a vicious circle. And I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to break the cycle.
Part 4: Have Me
Part 2: Show Me
Part 1: Heal Me
.
Pairing: Jaejoong/Yunho (implied Miyavi/GDragon)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Once again, they are not mine to own or purchase or play with.
Summary: When I bought U-know, I thought it was just another purchase. I always had a bad habit of growing attached to my toys, but I have never fallen in love with one.
WARNING: underage!Yunho (Jaejoong is 29, Yunho is 17, and GDragon is 14[but smut with him is only implied])
A/N: This is a companion fic to Toy With My Heart
Poster credit goes to haleycp! Thank you! ♥
Part 3:
The night before Yamapi and Miyavi were scheduled to leave, the five of us (me, Yamapi, Miyavi, my Dragon and my U-know) were in my rooms. Yamapi and I were sitting in arm chairs, drinking scotch. Miyavi and my two toys were playing yutnori in the middle of the floor.
I kept glancing at them, and losing the thread of our conversation.
Yamapi chuckled, low in his throat. I knew that Miyavi had heard him, and seen the look I shot him, but my toys hadn’t. They were playing against Miyavi as a team and were currently discussing tactics.
“What?” I almost snapped.
“You grow attached to your toys too easily, my friend,” Yamapi said. “But I can’t tell which one has your heart strings tied in knots right now.”
“Fuck off,” I said and looked back at my toys.
Yamapi smiled.
“Miyavi-sama?” my Dragon said, tilting his head to the side.
“Yes, Dragon-in-ah?”
My Dragon smiled widely at the endearment. He giggled and then composed himself. He crawled over to Miyavi and said, “Do you like me or U-know more?”
“My Dragon,” I said, warning him.
He looked over at me, and then bit his lower lip.
“I like you both,” Miyavi said, chucking my Dragon under his chin.
“Are you going to buy one of us, Miyavi-sama?”
“Dragon,” I said, more harshly.
Miyavi smiled at me, and then down at my Dragon. “I don’t know. Should I?”
“Yes.”
“And who should I choose? You are the most adorable toy Jaejoong has, but U-know is amazing too.”
“Then you should buy us both.”
“Dragon, you know better than that,” I said.
My Dragon sat with his legs crossed and pouted at the floor.
“Sorry,” I said to Miyavi, “he’s eager to be purchased.”
Miyavi laughed. “I can tell. What about you?” he said, petting U-know’s shoulder. “Are you eager to be purchased?”
“Yes, but not as eager as Dragon is, Miyavi-sama. He’s eager about everything.”
Miyavi laughed, and so did I because it was so true. My Dragon continued to pout. I smiled and then said, “It is way past time for you two to be in bed, isn’t it?”
“Yes, master,” they chorused.
“Go on to the bathroom and take a bath.”
My Dragon pouted up at Miyavi and then said, “You’re not leaving, are you Miyavi-sama?”
“No, Dragon. Not until tomorrow.”
“Okay. Will you ask my master if I can sleep with you tonight?”
“Dragon!”
He smiled at me, unrepentant.
“Go. Now. You are very close to being punished.”
He turned around and followed after U-know. As soon as the door shut behind them, I took a deep breath and sagged in my chair.
Miyavi sat cross-legged and stared at me with a smile on his face.
“What?” I asked.
“Which one are you in love with?” Yamapi asked.
“Fuck off. I’m not in love with them.”
“Liar,” Yamapi sang.
I glared at him and looked at Miyavi. “Which one would you like?”
He smiled. Enigmatic. Annoying. He shook his head. “I enjoy them both. Hell, I enjoyed Aiden and Key and Seungri. All your toys are tempting.”
“Why are you even asking him?” Yamapi said. “You never give your clients a choice. You introduce them to who they work well with.”
“And so I did,” I replied. “It’s not my fault he met U-know before he met my Dragon.”
“You think I would work well with Dragon?” he said, head tilting.
“Yes.”
I sighed again, because I wasn’t sure if it was that, or if it was just because I didn’t want to let U-know go. My feelings for him were clouding my judgment again, and I hated it. But at the same time, I could not ignore the way Miyavi looked at my Dragon, or the way the two laughed and played with each other.
“You have similar personalities,” I continued, trying to convince myself that it was the right thing to do, “and he seems to genuinely like you. I’ve been doing this for long enough, Miyavi, and I’ve learned to watch actions and reactions. Your initial reaction to U-know was definitely a good one, but If you had met my Dragon first, I think your reaction to him would have been a little more extreme.”
Yamapi snorted. “He acted like a love-sick girl when Dragon first smiled at him and called him sama.”
I nodded. “And that’s what I look for in a prospective owner. Yes, I also think that you would do well with U-know. Unlike some, you don’t mind that he’s almost eighteen. But the difference is in your look. You look at U-know like you want to fuck him. You look at Dragon like you want to make him the happiest toy in the whole world.”
Miyavi looked at Yamapi. “He’s good.”
Yamapi grinned. “I told you so.”
“He’s a lot more expensive than U-know though.”
I nodded. “Yeah. He’s in high demand, all that fun stuff.”
“How much can I talk you down in the price for him?”
I grinned. “You can’t. Sleep with him tonight, and then you’ll understand why.”
Miyavi laughed, and then smiled at Yamapi. “I get a toy for the night.”
“Fuck you, bitch.”
I turned to Yamapi. “When are you going to buy a toy?”
“When you’ll let me.”
I thought about it for a moment. “You know. I have this Japanese boy. He doesn’t speak Japanese, because he was born in Korea, and he’s not ready yet, but I’ll let you meet him tomorrow.”
“Ooh. You’re holding out on me?” He put his hand to his heart. “I’m hurt, my friend. So wounded.”
“Just wait until tomorrow. You know I love you, Pi.”
“What’s his name?”
“Tegoshi. Pretty thing, too, for almost fifteen. He’s a cocky slut, though. I think you can handle him.”
“Oh, god, I’m already hard. Let me see him tonight.”
“No. I’m sure his handler already has him in bed.”
“Damn. God, now I’m excited.”
I smiled. “Come on, Miyavi. Let’s go get our toys from the bathroom and leave Yamapi to take care of himself with the whiskey as his companion.”
They laughed. Miyavi stood up and followed me to the bathroom. My Dragon and U-know were splashing each other in the tub, laughing.
“Is this a swimming pool, my lovely toys?” I asked.
They stopped immediately, looking down, trying to look contrite, but smiling.
I handed a towel to Miyavi and then took one of my own. “My handsome toy, come on. Let’s go to bed. Dragon is going to sleep with Miyavi tonight.”
“Really, master?” my Dragon said, eyes widening, mouth threatening to split from his smile.
“Yes, really. Be good. Don’t make me change my mind.”
My Dragon shook from excitement as he climbed from the tub. He kneeled and shivered more as Miyavi dried him off.
U-know climbed out of the tub, smiling at me. I stopped him before he could kneel, wrapping the towel around him. I kissed his lips softly. My heart swelled from … something … because I was going to keep him for a little longer. And then guilt filled me. He would be eighteen in less than three weeks. This may have been his only chance. But I knew that Miyavi and my Dragon were more suited for one another.
“When was the last time I carried you?” I whispered.
“A long time, master.”
“You’re heavier now. And taller. God, how much are you going to grow?” He was almost taller than I was.
He grinned, and I kissed him again. A little more forceful. A feeling of relief filled me and then I tried to rationalize it away.
I couldn’t. I knew in that moment, in that bathroom, that I was too attached to U-know.
I pulled away from the kiss and said, “Miyavi, you don’t have to wait for us. You know where your room is.”
“M-master?” my Dragon said.
I turned to them.
Miyavi had wrapped him in the towel and picked him up. My Dragon frowned at me.
“What’s wrong, my Dragon?”
He held out his hands and I smiled and moved over to them for a moment. His arms wrapped around my neck and he kissed my skin briefly.
“Thank you, master.”
I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. I hugged him tightly and kissed his forehead. “Have fun tonight, okay. But remember …”
“No sex. I know, master.” He looked back up at Miyavi, and the adoration in both of their eyes is what I looked for when pairing a toy with someone.
Miyavi turned around and left the bathroom. My handsome toy had fallen to his knees, and I held out my hand. He took it and I pulled him back to his feet.
“Come to bed with me, my handsome toy.”
U-know smiled widely at me, and my breath caught. I turned my back before he could analyze my expression. Or before I could. I held his hands, and then put them around my waist, so my back was molded to his chest while we walked through the room. Yamapi had left the main area, probably already in his room. We went to the bed. I pushed U-know to the mattress and then straddled his lap. I stared and wondered, doubting, if this was love in his eyes, or just a toy with his master?
How long could I be in denial? How long could I keep the truth from myself and from him? I had to say it. Say it out loud and make this real.
“My handsome.” My voice broke.
He frowned, worried. “Master?”
I shook my head, throat suddenly tight, closed. I leaned down and put my face at his neck, inhaling. His arms wrapped around my body, and I let him hold me close, pressed together, on top of the blankets. I played with the still-wet strands of his hair. Maybe he did not feel love for me yet. Maybe he would. If I explained … If I showed him what it was like. But was that fair to him? Was it fair to take away his chance at having a real owner?
“Are you sad that Dragon is going away, master?”
I smiled and then nodded. “Yes. But … but, god, I’m so selfish, my darling. I’m so selfish.”
He looked confused. I pressed a kiss to his lips briefly.
“I am sad that Dragon is going away,” I said, swallowing past the lump in my throat, “but I’m so glad it’s not you who is leaving me.”
He smiled and whispered, “M-me too, master.”
I let out a rush of breath, spun us over so we were lying on our sides, and wrapped myself up in his arms and legs and body as tightly as I could, pressing my cheek against his bare chest. I wanted to beg him to stay with me, beg him to never leave, beg him to let me purchase him. But it was not fair to him. It wasn’t.
I rolled away with a cry and curled up with a pillow. I could not touch him. Not until I calmed down. Not until my heart stopped aching.
His warm hand settled my arm, and I inhaled sharply.
“M-master.”
I bit my lip on a promise, on a demand, on a declaration. It was not love. I wasn’t. Just … too attached and too … emotional, and stressed.
Someone would buy U-know. Someone would. And then I’d …
I’d what?
Get over it?
I did not want to get over it.
His hand went further, sliding over my arm, to my waist. The heat from his body curled around me. “Master, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, my darling. Nothing.”
I felt him swallow, and then very softly, he said, “M-master?”
“What?”
“I … I don’t want …”
He stopped and I was glad he did, because no matter what he said next, I wasn’t going to like it. I wasn’t going to accept it.
I rolled on my back, and he stayed next to me, on his side. I reached up and touched his cheek. He leaned into the touch. I curled my fingers around his jaw and pulled him down for a deep kiss. I pulled on his body until he was over me, pressing his hips into mine, arms by my head. I gripped his back, holding him as tightly as I could as I tried to kiss him harder, take him deeper into my mouth.
My darling moaned, and the noise spun around us, echoing through the room.
I broke away with a gasp as pleasure clouded my thoughts, and my heart felt like it was going to stop. His lips touched my jaw, unbidden, unrequested, but not unwanted. I tilted my head back, gasping into the dark as he kissed down my neck. His fingers played with my t-shirt until he pushed it up and hit skin. I gasped, leaned up and grabbed the back of it. It tore as I ripped it over my head.
I never lost control with my toys, but tonight, I was going to. I knew it, and I should have stopped it. Instead, I pushed U-know over, forcefully enough that he landed on his back, releasing a gust of air. I straddled his waist and attacked his neck with my lips and teeth. I was shaking badly. His moans filled the room as I littered his skin with bites and hickys. I never, ever marked my toys, but U-know was mine. All mine. And not for sale. Not ever.
U-know gasped under the treatment. His little whimpers spurred me on because no one had ever treated him this way. Jihoon had taken him, forced him, but JIhoon did not love him.
I loved him. I loved U-know more than I thought I could.
With an agonized moan, I pulled away from the mark I’d been imprinting on his chest. Again, I curled away from him. Our heavy breathing echoed in the room for long minutes.
He pressed a hand to my back, warm, hot, possessive. Maybe I thought the last one. This was not fair to U-know. He knew no differently. He did not know what love was, what proper love was. I would show him. If he’d let me, but I would never force myself on him. Not like this.
But also, U-know would choose to stay with me, if I asked him. I think … the fear of him saying no kept me from asking. Slowly the hand lowered, resting at the top of my pants.
My darling was probably so confused.
I looked over my shoulder. His eyes were shut, there were wet shining lines on his cheeks. Panic flooded me.
“My darling?” I whispered and turned quickly to wipe his tears away.
“I-I’m sorry, master,” he said, voice breaking. “I-If … maybe, if I were younger, you … would w-want me, and … ” He turned his face away from me.
I turned it back with a firm grip on his chin. I kissed his quivering lips. “You are perfect as you are, my handsome toy.” I crawled over him again, movement softer and sincere. “I’m so sorry. You make me crazy, my darling. So fucking crazy.”
He frowned and I kissed it away. “That is not a bad thing,” I continued. “I … Well, …” I had to be careful, and word this properly. “Do you want an owner?”
“Yes, master.”
“Why?”
“B-because, well, isn’t that the point, master? To be purchased before I’m eighteen.”
“I told you that when you turn eighteen you do not have to leave here. You can stay.”
“I-I know, master.”
“Do you want to leave?”
The conflict on his face was almost painful.
“I’m sorry, my darling. That was a poorly worded question.” I kissed him again, slow, more like how we normally kiss. His lips stopped shaking. I sucked his lower lip into my mouth and nibbled on it lightly. His fingers pressed against my back, like he was too distracted from the kiss to actually clench. His breath gasped between us.
This was not fair to him, because the love I felt coursing through me for this toy was not the same as it should have been. Guilt filled me. U-know knew nothing different. He did not know of the real world or how things worked.
But was that true? He’d been in the hands of a sadistic bastard for nine years. Maybe he did understand.
I pulled away from his lips with a whimper. I love you hung on my lips, but my voice refused to say it. I could not take his options away. Confessing would bind him to me and he … maybe he wanted it. But maybe that was my own thoughts.
“Master,” he said, and he touched my face. My cheeks were wet. “Why are you crying, master?”
The concern in his voice clenched my heart even more tightly. I gripped his wrists and kissed his palm, shaking my head, eyes shut. I felt the tears spread by his fingers. I pulled his hand away.
“I’m sorry, my darling,” I whispered and kissed his fingertips. I lay next to him, facing away from him. I couldn’t look at him. When he curled up to my back, I let myself cry again. I did not know if he slept. I know I did not.
---
My emotions from the night before rolled over to the next morning as we said goodbye to my Dragon. He was afraid because he was not only being purchased, but he was going to have to move to a different country and learn a different language, but the way Miyavi coddled him and touched him and smiled at him, I knew that they were a good match.
It was not just my feelings for U-know that made me think that.
That was a relief, but … but what if someone else came along who was a good match for my handsome darling?
I did not want to think about that.
My Dragon cried, and I let myself cry also, to show him that I would miss him. He’d been with me for a long time. Longer than some toys.
I did not regret my decision to sell him to Miyavi. After their night together, I had never seen my Dragon happier.
“I love you, master,” my Dragon whispered as I hugged him close.
I smiled and whispered it back, because it was true. I loved my Dragon as he loved me. My heart hurt from letting him go, like it usually did when I sold a toy. But it was nothing compared to the pain of thinking of saying goodbye to my U-know.
My Dragon pulled back from my neck and kissed my cheek. “Will you come and visit me?”
I looked past him, to Miyavi, and then I nodded after Miyavi did. “Maybe one day, when I’m in Japan.”
My Dragon hugged me again, legs tightening around my waist and arms around my neck.
I chuckled. “Come now, my Dragon. Miyavi is going to think you don’t want to go with him.”
My Dragon pulled away quickly, eyes wide with fear. “I … I don’t mean--”
I pressed a single kiss to his lips. “I know,” I said and took a few steps to Miyavi. He held his arms out and my Dragon climbed from my arms to his.
We said our final goodbyes, and I watched as Miyavi walked away. My Dragon curled in his arms, but he smiled and waved goodbye, and I smiled back. I was really going to miss him.
My handsome darling kneeled next to me. We’d allowed them to say goodbye too. I touched his head, fingers in his hair. He arched into the touch. I frowned at the many dark marks on his neck and shoulders. I could not show him again until they were gone, and that would take a few days. Yamapi said to cover them in make up, but that was not an option. My toys were not made up and hidden behind a layer of fake perfection. I only showed potential owners perfection.
I sighed. “Come on, my handsome darling, let’s go get some breakfast.” I tugged on his hair and he crawled after me.
---
Two sleepless nights later, I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. My handsome darling lay next to me as always. A man had showed an interest in him, just by me describing him, but again, I knew it was not because he wanted my darling, just his body.
Not that I blamed him.
U-know’s body had filled out. He worked out in the gym everyday, and his muscles were more defined than my younger toys. He was growing into himself, and I felt like he grew three centimeters every day.
My emotions ran wild, unbidden, all over. I kept U-know by me, and I know that made it worse, but the thought of him being with anyone else was so painful. I took him everywhere, to the point where I was treating him like my own toy, rather than one I had to sell. He didn’t mind. He enjoyed being with me. I knew he did. And knowing it was stupid, I once again postponed the day when I would mark him as eighteen on my records. I took a possible week away from him being sold by marking him up, so I added it, as my own punishment for losing control.
Day by day, the marks faded on his body. As they healed, I grew more jumpy, more emotional, snappy.
Changmin called me a bitch more than once, and when Changmin of all people started calling you a snarky bitch, then you know something was wrong. But fixing what was wrong is what made me even jumpier, more emotional and snappier. It was a vicious circle. And I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to break the cycle.
Part 4: Have Me
Part 2: Show Me
Part 1: Heal Me
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