[FMA Fic] We're Fading Fast

[bay115]

Title: We're Fading Fast
Author: bay115
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,161 Words
Characters: Roy/Riza, Maes/Gracia
Warnings: Sexy times
Summary: Roy and Riza goes to Hughes' wedding together and right after have a moment to themselves.
Notes: For this prompt from the Kisses Down Low Oral Sex Fanfest. Title comes from Fall Out Boy's "Miss Missing You

Comments

[seta_suzume]

(okay, I didn't get to read that as soon as I wanted too- sorry ^^;)

I like that you take the time to establish the whole situation- the small wedding, the who-knows-whos and subsequent introductions, how gradual it all is, building from feelings to talk to actions. It's also very hot!

(also, I loved this random detail: "a lonesome drunk, who staggered along the sidewalk as he sang a song off-key tune about a woman who wore a red petticoat" <- there's some other story there!)

[bay115]

Don't worry! There are times I want to get to something but I'm either away and/or had to take care of something, lol.

Thanks! For this particular piece I wanted it to happen slowly. The original draft was pretty rushed so sonjajade gave me pointers on slowing it down, haha (she was also the one that suggested putting that detail when I was stuck describing Central at night, LOL). Glad you enjoyed!

[sceptick]

Sorry for how long it took me to get back to you on this! Okay, this is good. I noticed a couple of things while reading that I think you should take a look at, though: first off, I think you need to be careful to read through everything you've written thoroughly once you're done. There's some instances here of awkward phrasing or connecting words missing, things like that, that are easily missed but also easily fixed. Second, the pacing was kind of frenetic: a lot of things happened, interesting things, but they were all described with short, kind of disconnected one-off action sentences. It makes it feel like the story is dragging, even though everything that's happening is objectively interesting. The last thing I'll mention is that in some places, it felt like tension was missing despite the very tense circumstances! Like, during the dance, or when the two women passed them on the staircases. Tension, anxiety, these are visceral experiences, and people react to them physically. I think it'd have enhanced the effect of the fic to

[bay115]

Hey! I want to say real quick you made some valid points and I'll pointpoint them real quick

Follow up

[bay115]

All right, so I made some changes here and there, but they're not too drastic. More explanation on which parts I changed/didn't change here if you're interested.

[ladynorbert]

Delish. Excellent attention to detail and great writing as usual!

Two wording errors I feel I should bring to your attention, however. Minor things, easily fixed. First:

which he welcomed this very much

Take out the word 'this' and it's fine. Second:

I won’t deny that I wasn’t curious about it

Change 'wasn't' to 'was' and it works. The way it is now, it sounds like he wasn't curious at all - the double negative changes the meaning of the sentence.

Those were the only things I noticed. Awesome job!

[bay115]

Thanks, glad you enjoyed this a lot! Fixed those mistakes, thanks for pointing them out. Yeahhhh I tend to be picky with double negatives but sometimes I didn't catch them in my own writing, LOL.

[bay115]

Thanks! Aw, you're not a bad fan. I'm still able to write Roy/Riza thanks to different prompts giving me lots of ideas, but there are times I'm not motivated to write.

My beta told me it was natural for her too, LOL. The original version of the smut scene she told me it was rushed so I went back to the drawing board and expanded it more. The way I try to have my smut scenes is slowing down enough for the readers feel the same way as the characters but not drag it too long. Pretty much like action scenes, heh.