Over in a community about spilling secrets a young woman annoymously posts that she loves sucking her boyfriend off while he's sleeping
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Basically - if no-one is upset by it, well done! You have successfully discerned the attitudes of the people you are sleeping with and are not a rapist. However, doing this _risks_ you being a rapist - if one of those dudes turns out to be upset by it. So it's safer to ask - but like all risk calculations, whether you actually bother asking depends on how much you value not asking versus how much you care about the risk you'll be a rapist.
What would be a bad thing to do would be to protest, when confronted by someone you did just perform a sex act on that they didn't want, that all other dudes were fine with it and they're just weird. Sorry, at that point you have lost, you are a rapist, and you should at the very least apologise abjectly and see if there's any way you can make it up to them, not brush it off.
My guess - and I guess we'll find out during the voting - is that the risk of being a rapist in this situation is really low.
I could be wrong, but in my experience, getting woken up with a blow job is something that happens in relationships (usually if it's your birthday or christmas.) No woman has ever asked me beforehand.
*nod* Basically that. It's so easy to just ask, though. "Hey, how do you feel about being woken up by my mouth around your cock?"
I tend to establish that right off the bat in new involvements, then we both know, then fun times can commence. Same with saying "hey, I'm fine with you waking me up with some sexytimes, but I want nothing inside me unless I'm already awake." It's really quite simple.
A partner should ask the other in advance if it would be okay. If not, don't do it. I think that, regardless of how well we think we know someone, and regardless of how many times we've had sex with them, that waking someone with active sex might trigger some panic memories that go back to long before we knew that person.
It's been done with me several times without prior consent, including one woman with whom I'd been intimate, but who left town for a few months, had a key to my place, and arrived at my home in the wee hours of the night, let herself in, crawled into bed with me, and proceeded to wake me with fellatio. Now, that was a surprise.
Wow. While I'm happy that you were ok with that, I wouldn't have been surprised if your reaction had been one of terror, or if you'd attacked her. That's a risky thing for her to be trying.
To me, consent would be kind of implied because it's my partner... I've already gone to bed with them (as in, sleeping... ) it's not like they've crept into my room when they were supposed to be on the couch!
If you're in a relationship which has the potential to become sexual (even if it hasn't, yet) then it's the responsibility of both people to establish what's comfortable for the other, and what isn't... If such a conversation hasn't happened, then the absence of clarification is just as much MY responsibility as it is hers, and if I should wake to find her doing something I didn't want, then I would expect her to stop, when asked... It's only a problem AFTER she's been told 'no', if she keeps doing it... Otherwise, it's all good. :-)
consent would be kind of implied because it's my partner... I've already gone to bed with them (as in, sleeping... )
There strikes me as a significant difference between consenting to a sexual relationship and consenting to every possible sexual permutation that might appeal to one party therein.
Definitely agreed. For that matter, activities I love sometimes are completely uninteresting or even uncomfortable at others. Consent is a constant process.
Sexual activity between regular partners that starts when one is asleep is only rape if the person wakes up a bit and indicates by word or action that he wants to stop and the initiator continues.
Otherwise I think this is actually a case of implied consent. -- Laplor, only anonymous because I've forgotten my password.
I have no experience with such situations. If this is an occasional partner sure I want to know everything what's going on with me all the time, no surprises. If this is a constant and only partner and everything ok with us, well, to let me know once that something like that could happened is ok. And maybe repeat this once per half a year to refresh my memory and opinion about that.
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What would be a bad thing to do would be to protest, when confronted by someone you did just perform a sex act on that they didn't want, that all other dudes were fine with it and they're just weird. Sorry, at that point you have lost, you are a rapist, and you should at the very least apologise abjectly and see if there's any way you can make it up to them, not brush it off.
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I could be wrong, but in my experience, getting woken up with a blow job is something that happens in relationships (usually if it's your birthday or christmas.) No woman has ever asked me beforehand.
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I tend to establish that right off the bat in new involvements, then we both know, then fun times can commence. Same with saying "hey, I'm fine with you waking me up with some sexytimes, but I want nothing inside me unless I'm already awake." It's really quite simple.
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It's been done with me several times without prior consent, including one woman with whom I'd been intimate, but who left town for a few months, had a key to my place, and arrived at my home in the wee hours of the night, let herself in, crawled into bed with me, and proceeded to wake me with fellatio. Now, that was a surprise.
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If you're in a relationship which has the potential to become sexual (even if it hasn't, yet) then it's the responsibility of both people to establish what's comfortable for the other, and what isn't... If such a conversation hasn't happened, then the absence of clarification is just as much MY responsibility as it is hers, and if I should wake to find her doing something I didn't want, then I would expect her to stop, when asked... It's only a problem AFTER she's been told 'no', if she keeps doing it... Otherwise, it's all good. :-)
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There strikes me as a significant difference between consenting to a sexual relationship and consenting to every possible sexual permutation that might appeal to one party therein.
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Otherwise I think this is actually a case of implied consent.
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Laplor, only anonymous because I've forgotten my password.
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If this is an occasional partner sure I want to know everything what's going on with me all the time, no surprises.
If this is a constant and only partner and everything ok with us, well, to let me know once that something like that could happened is ok. And maybe repeat this once per half a year to refresh my memory and opinion about that.
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