Smart is Sexy

[ask_captainjack]

Dear Captain Jack,

I am writing because I saw in your last advice column that you defended a thesis on the SPRAY THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCENE, MUTHFUCKAH! technique in Battle School. I'm working on my thesis right now. It's not about spraying the scene with bullets, though. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.

I have never had such a hard

Comments

[oh_doask]

I never put warnings. It destroys the fucking impact of my discoveries! WHAT'S THE POINT OF THE THESIS IF I TELL YOU WHAT'S IN IT AHEAD OF TIME?!

Follow the tension arc to the gold pot. That's how this shit works.

[phaetonschariot]

That's how they taught us to write essays, though. First say what you're going to say, then say it, then say what you've just said. It's pointless, but ups the word count impressively.

[oh_doask]

I've always submitted one page with a THIS IS AN ILLUSTRATION OF MY THOUGHT! illustration!

WATCH THEM PUZZLE THAT ONE OUT!!!

THEY GIVE ME WORD COUNT BY LINE INCREMENT!

[phaetonschariot]

Well they do say pictures are worth a thousand words. And you can read anything into them, so if they don't interpret them with high marks really it's their fault, not yours.

Or something.

[ask_arealdoctor]

My MD thesis is Classified. That's what comes of finishing my medical degree while at UNIT.

[ask_captainjack]

On account of all the aliens? You could have fudged that. For 'alien', put "foreigner". And for 'tentacles', put "normal human organs".

[ask_arealdoctor]

I was picked by UNIT because of my expertise in xenobiology! Why would I want to fudge my thesis?

[neifile7]

Re-read the lead-in post. Jack assumes that ALL credentials are some form of con. Cheating and shagging are par for the course, so to speak.

[timeagency]

Do you remember Art's thesis? I can't remember the title but it was quite a hit at Battle School. He got laid a lot.

[ask_captainjack]

"The Application of Tongue to Eye Stalk: Perspectives in XenoErotica"

A classic.

[timeagency]

I was his research assistant, you know. Well, the entire class was his research assistant. He was enthusiastic about his research.

[starstealingirl]

Thanks, Professor Captain! I feel inspired already!

...well, not inspired, exactly. But it turns out that when I switch my thesis to Courier font, the page count becomes 25% higher. Which leaves me even more time to play with sand. And boxes. (Mostly boxes.)

I also think the use of the phrase "totally bitchin'" really enhances the arguments in your future thesis. In fact, I'm thinking of changing my thesis title to "Modern Feminism: In Transition and Totally Bitchin'."

For the record: I plan on wearing the clothes in my icon to my thesis defense. I figure there's no way they'll even remember what my thesis is about because they'll be too distracted by my breasts consider me anything other than impeccably intelligent while I'm wearing these glasses. I would rather just fuck my advisor, but she's one of those pesky 21st century professors who insists on labeling herself "heterosexual." My breasts, however, transcend all petty labels.

Also: there are no warnings on my thesis. Reading a thesis is supposed to be triggering.

[ask_captainjack]

I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO BE HELPED BY ME.

When you turn in your paper be sure to mention my name. You can say I looked it over and gave it a Harkness "thumbs up".

Stuffy OxBridge types fucking adore me. Especially the ones that study sculpture at Saint Martins college.

[starstealingirl]

With advice like this, clearly the only right thing to do is dedicate the thesis to you.

[ask_captainjack]

I DEMAND YOU MAKE IT SO.

(There's only ONE 'n' in my name, so don't go crazy with the 'n's.)

[lefaym]

I am also doing a thesis, but I don't procrastinate by doing housework, I procrastinate by writing fan-fictions (in which you often make an appearance). You also make a brief appearance in my thesis, when I discuss that documentary about the time you found the Doctor and went to the end of the universe with him and Martha.

[ask_captainjack]

THAT WAS AN AMAZING TIME. I approve of you discussing it.

I'm significant huh? And thematic and all that?

[lefaym]

Yes, you are very significant. I argue that you are representative of the way that immortal subjects are reveal the ambivalent attitude that many modern texts take towards Derrida's concept of the transcendental signified, which is simultaneously valorised as the source of absolute meaning, and feared because it exists outside the structures of signification that generate that meaning. (This is what the Doctor meant when he was being prejudiced to you.)

[ask_arealdoctor]

...I'm not significant...? :(