Smart is Sexy
Dear Captain Jack,
I am writing because I saw in your last advice column that you defended a thesis on the SPRAY THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCENE, MUTHFUCKAH! technique in Battle School. I'm working on my thesis right now. It's not about spraying the scene with bullets, though. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.
I have never had such a hard time writing anything in my life. I go out of my way to procrastinate with long, hard sessions of house-cleaning in nothing but my lingerie, long periods of time surfing XTube online literary magazines, and midday naps (also nearly naked). When I get up the courage to write, it's like I have to fight for every sentence. This has gone on for months, and my thesis advisor is getting exasperated with me. Not to mention, I'm getting exasperated with myself.
I was hoping you could either heal my writer's block with your cock, or share your experiences thesis-defending in Battle School in order to help me realize what I'm doing wrong, and give me some tips on getting through this thesis so I emerge as the sexy academic superstar I know I can be. Help me, Captain Jack! Help me shoot this thesis in the face!
Love and titties,
Smart Is Sexy
-----------------------
It's easy to get distracted when you're so brainy! You need constant stimulation. I understand this intimately.
Once I was sitting in my office, trying to think about the mysterious "missing three days" we lost last year... What had happened in that time? What was the threat to my hot sexy team? What needed to be shot in the face?
I couldn't keep my mind on the topic at hand because somebody had left a box of sand on my desk.
You know me and boxes. You know me and sand. I'm a very tactile hero and boss.
I probably spent 3 or 4 hours running my fingers through sand...Tossing it over my shoulder, dumping it out, making little piles, dumping it back in, blowing it around the office, doing awesome soft shoe routines, etc.
Is that how you feel, Smart is Sexy? Like people keep bringing you boxes of sand?
There are a lot of great ways to knuckle down and finish your thesis work. The first and best way is: Graduate without defending your thesis in the first place!
For instance, remember how Captain Kirk spent so much time and effort beating the Kobayashi Maru? He was up for hours writing code to change the simulation program. Jesus christ, what a nerd.
I beat Kobayashi Maru the old-fashioned way. I fucked the Examiner!
"So, I rescued those ships in the neutral zone and didn't use up all my dilithium and stuff, right?" I said to him, as we were going at it. "Can we just mark this as pass?"
He agreed with my proposal.
Have you thought about just fucking your thesis advisor? That way you get the degree and he or she gets something nice out of it too.
If you absolutely have to write a thesis, that's okay. I'm sure you can be as amazing at writing things down as I am.
The best way to write anything is to pound out your (academic) thoughts in one go. If you have a sister you can sit in a car eating candy beans while she writes down your pearls of wisdom for you. A back-up option here would be a butler or someone else with a lot of patience and an interest in a share of your royalties.
If you don't have a sister, you have to record your words yourself. FINE, no problem. You already know what you want to argue, right?
I assume you have a topic. Now all you have to do is ramble towards your point in as many words as possible. Everyone knows that content is not important. Who is going to check your work? As long as you have a clean shirt and a fantastic smile when you have to "defend" your paper, you'll do just fine. Are you planning to wear a short skirt? I did!
As for doing the research notes, 21st technology has made this so much easier. I don't know how old you were when you started toiling uselessly towards a graduate degree, but a lot has happened in the last 15 years!
Social networking tools make verifying sources much faster. Speed is important. Accuracy is for the Germans. You should Twitter something like: "Modern Feminism, in transition? Y/Y?" and when you get back a bunch of "Y" tweets that means your argument is solid. Fucking solid! Similarly "Vaccines cause Autism - need anecdotes!" is going to send a lot of data your way.
I recommend a thesis be presented in Courier font. It looks old timey. Like you spent years banging away at a typewriter. That's how intelligent you are. You use a typewriter! You could be the kind of hipster who plays Scrabble in cafes. So, just give you the fucking degree already! <- All that is conveyed just by using Courier.
You know my love of Comic Sans, but that's really a "business" font. Use Comic Sans when you're applying for an internship at the Time Agency. LOL! I am kidding. The Agency doesn't want academics. They recruit poor kids from rural areas. Have you seen the posters?
"JOIN THE TIME AGENCY: A TWO YEAR TOUR PAYS FOR COLLEGE".
Of course, the "two years" is relative. REALLY relative.
Because I'm an expert in education, I thought I'd share some of my cover pages. I hope you will be inspired!
Everybody loved this paper. What's not to love about guns and planes? The only criticism I got was from some faculty members who didn't understand why I referenced "World War One" throughout my work. I explained about a billion fucking times that I didn't want readers to get it confused with the war coming up!
In the future, you submit all your work through tricorder. I enlarged the screen so you can see my thesis.
Everybody loved this download. What's not to love about canons and spaceships?
I was lauded for writing my thesis in the second person and for putting in so many hurt/comfort scenes. In case you're wondering, "Captain Jack, did you put warnings on your thesis?" Yes, of course I did. There was a lot of dub-con in the technical illustrations.
I think I've given you some awesome suggestions for how to complete your graduate work. Letters after your name are going to be sexy. Triple XXX sexy!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness, PhD. Engineering 1930, PhD. Heretical Physics 5027
I am writing because I saw in your last advice column that you defended a thesis on the SPRAY THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCENE, MUTHFUCKAH! technique in Battle School. I'm working on my thesis right now. It's not about spraying the scene with bullets, though. Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time with it.
I have never had such a hard time writing anything in my life. I go out of my way to procrastinate with long, hard sessions of house-cleaning in nothing but my lingerie, long periods of time surfing XTube online literary magazines, and midday naps (also nearly naked). When I get up the courage to write, it's like I have to fight for every sentence. This has gone on for months, and my thesis advisor is getting exasperated with me. Not to mention, I'm getting exasperated with myself.
I was hoping you could either heal my writer's block with your cock, or share your experiences thesis-defending in Battle School in order to help me realize what I'm doing wrong, and give me some tips on getting through this thesis so I emerge as the sexy academic superstar I know I can be. Help me, Captain Jack! Help me shoot this thesis in the face!
Love and titties,
Smart Is Sexy
-----------------------
It's easy to get distracted when you're so brainy! You need constant stimulation. I understand this intimately.
Once I was sitting in my office, trying to think about the mysterious "missing three days" we lost last year... What had happened in that time? What was the threat to my hot sexy team? What needed to be shot in the face?
I couldn't keep my mind on the topic at hand because somebody had left a box of sand on my desk.
You know me and boxes. You know me and sand. I'm a very tactile hero and boss.
I probably spent 3 or 4 hours running my fingers through sand...Tossing it over my shoulder, dumping it out, making little piles, dumping it back in, blowing it around the office, doing awesome soft shoe routines, etc.
Is that how you feel, Smart is Sexy? Like people keep bringing you boxes of sand?
There are a lot of great ways to knuckle down and finish your thesis work. The first and best way is: Graduate without defending your thesis in the first place!
For instance, remember how Captain Kirk spent so much time and effort beating the Kobayashi Maru? He was up for hours writing code to change the simulation program. Jesus christ, what a nerd.
I beat Kobayashi Maru the old-fashioned way. I fucked the Examiner!
"So, I rescued those ships in the neutral zone and didn't use up all my dilithium and stuff, right?" I said to him, as we were going at it. "Can we just mark this as pass?"
He agreed with my proposal.
Have you thought about just fucking your thesis advisor? That way you get the degree and he or she gets something nice out of it too.
If you absolutely have to write a thesis, that's okay. I'm sure you can be as amazing at writing things down as I am.
The best way to write anything is to pound out your (academic) thoughts in one go. If you have a sister you can sit in a car eating candy beans while she writes down your pearls of wisdom for you. A back-up option here would be a butler or someone else with a lot of patience and an interest in a share of your royalties.
If you don't have a sister, you have to record your words yourself. FINE, no problem. You already know what you want to argue, right?
I assume you have a topic. Now all you have to do is ramble towards your point in as many words as possible. Everyone knows that content is not important. Who is going to check your work? As long as you have a clean shirt and a fantastic smile when you have to "defend" your paper, you'll do just fine. Are you planning to wear a short skirt? I did!
As for doing the research notes, 21st technology has made this so much easier. I don't know how old you were when you started toiling uselessly towards a graduate degree, but a lot has happened in the last 15 years!
Social networking tools make verifying sources much faster. Speed is important. Accuracy is for the Germans. You should Twitter something like: "Modern Feminism, in transition? Y/Y?" and when you get back a bunch of "Y" tweets that means your argument is solid. Fucking solid! Similarly "Vaccines cause Autism - need anecdotes!" is going to send a lot of data your way.
I recommend a thesis be presented in Courier font. It looks old timey. Like you spent years banging away at a typewriter. That's how intelligent you are. You use a typewriter! You could be the kind of hipster who plays Scrabble in cafes. So, just give you the fucking degree already! <- All that is conveyed just by using Courier.
You know my love of Comic Sans, but that's really a "business" font. Use Comic Sans when you're applying for an internship at the Time Agency. LOL! I am kidding. The Agency doesn't want academics. They recruit poor kids from rural areas. Have you seen the posters?
"JOIN THE TIME AGENCY: A TWO YEAR TOUR PAYS FOR COLLEGE".
Of course, the "two years" is relative. REALLY relative.
Because I'm an expert in education, I thought I'd share some of my cover pages. I hope you will be inspired!
Everybody loved this paper. What's not to love about guns and planes? The only criticism I got was from some faculty members who didn't understand why I referenced "World War One" throughout my work. I explained about a billion fucking times that I didn't want readers to get it confused with the war coming up!
In the future, you submit all your work through tricorder. I enlarged the screen so you can see my thesis.
Everybody loved this download. What's not to love about canons and spaceships?
I was lauded for writing my thesis in the second person and for putting in so many hurt/comfort scenes. In case you're wondering, "Captain Jack, did you put warnings on your thesis?" Yes, of course I did. There was a lot of dub-con in the technical illustrations.
I think I've given you some awesome suggestions for how to complete your graduate work. Letters after your name are going to be sexy. Triple XXX sexy!
Yrs helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness, PhD. Engineering 1930, PhD. Heretical Physics 5027