Check-In Post

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Hart, I know reception in the park is a little patchy so it's best if we communicate by text. Because remember, you can't think words at your mobile and expect me to hear them

Comments

[ask_captainjack]

Hart, listen carefully, bring me back some sheep poo. I've just learned you can make paper from it. I'm going to need 40 maybe 50 talents of sheep poo. TALENTS, NOT BUSHELS, Hart. I've had it with your shoddy understanding of measurements.

[oh_doask]

Send the fat trucker with the fat truck. More important things to do around here! GREYS IN WALES!

Produce your own poo for paper after you ate lots of greens. Same thing. It'd be like Boe all over again.

[ask_captainjack]

You can't use 51st century poo in paper, you moron. We'd alter the time-stream and then your parents would never get drunk, have unsatisfying sex, and you'd never be born. If you're never born, I won't get 40 to 50 talents of sheep poo for fanfuckingtastic Torchwood stationery. Think about me for a change and don't wipe out your own existence by trying to make paper from my awesome poo.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

If I can interject...who's turning the poo into paper, in this scenario?

[ask_captainjack]

The web site has instructions. You love instructions! I love the way your lips move when you read technical documents. They move in a tight, pouty, butlery kind of way.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

The sheep poo we have collected is completely sterilized by boiling it in a specially designed pressure cooker at over 120 degrees centigrade.

Jack, watch me carefully. Can you see the words my lips are forming right now?

[ask_captainjack]

Huh, my babelfish is having trouble translating Pissed-Off Welsh to English...

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Well, a loose translation would be "hell no" but it loses something when the profanity is left out.

[ask_captainjack]

"Hell no" still leaves a lot of wiggle room. I know how you enjoy wiggle room, Ianto.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

Drop the poo paper idea and I'll show you just how much I enjoy wiggle room.

[ask_captainjack]

That's sexual blackmail! Are you supposed to do that at the office!?

[ask_aboutcoffee]

I prefer to think of it as bartering. Blackmail would be if I said I wouldn't sleep with you if you made me boil poo. Or forced you to sleep with me in return for boiling poo.

This is starting to sound upsettingly like some kind of fetish film plot.

My point is: the poo is irrelevant, except that if you give up on DIY-poo-paper you are going to get luckier than you know what to do with, tonight.

[ask_captainjack]

Shit, I love to get luckier than I know what to do with...Getting lucky is sort of my kryptonite! (After 'magic' and 'kryptonite')

But I think I need that sheep poo paper. I need it to live! Can't we make it a special project for Hart? It's not like you can do anything dangerous with fertilizer.

[ask_aboutcoffee]

If Hart actually brings back fifty talents of poo, I will happily allow him to be solely responsible for the making of the poo paper.

For now I am going to take off my jacket and roll up my sleeves and lounge appealingly around the Hub. Feel free to join me. I have ice cream.

[ask_captainjack]

Well of course, I'm already sleeveless.

When I get my fifty talents of poo I'll make you so many lovely sheep-shaped post-it notes for doing paper-based work that you'll barf with joy!

You'll be standing at that tourist office desk fingering the paper supplies I made for you (with love), thinking about how you can barely keep your egg and sausages down because you're so happy!

[andreth47]

Excuse me, but...given Hart's penchant for blowing shit up, don't you think it might be a good idea to keep him well away from fertilizer? Just a suggestion.