I'm wrong; you're wrong; we're all wrong together.

[aroraborealis]

Most people seem to have relationships in their past that they can look at and say, if not, "Wow, that's my crazy ex, all right!" at least, "Huh. That relationship damaged me in some ways, and here's how," or "There was a lot of good in that relationship, but some bad, too, and I still have some of it with me." Of course, no relationship is perfect

Comments

[coraline]

i don't have any good answers for this yet other than "a good pshrink", but it's something i'm working on right now... i'll let you know if i come up with anything brilliant.
(one thing i can tell you is that the process can be really, really painful. useful, but ow.)

[aroraborealis]

Yeah, both ow, and slippery! It's so easy to slide out from under things by talking myself out of the ways that I do them. "Oh, sure, I do X, but it's with good intentions, so it doesn't count!" *stab*

[mzrowan]

I think the way I become aware of my own shit is noticing when things are the same way between relationships ("once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is something we haven't come up with a good c-word for").

As for what to do about those things...often just being aware of them is enough to allow me to choose differently in the moments when I might act on that pattern. Sometimes all I've figured out to do is warn the next person (as in the case of the "coming down of NRE -> fear of maybe needing to say no -> guaranteed need to say no" downward spiral).

[drwex]

Once is chance, twice is synchronicity. Three times is enemy action *grin

[motive_nuance]

causality?

[aroraborealis]

Yeah, trying is the key, isn't it!

Ironically, always assuming that I'm wrong is itself a thing that can create bad patterns in others -- it puts them in a power position of always having to be right, and it can become a defensive mechanism on my part that stops me from being better. By flaying myself for being wrong about X, I can avoid looking at the larger pattern, somehow, and then I have the moral high ground of already knowing I'm wrong!

[fanw]

Yeah, I definitely feel I've been on the receiving and the giving end of the crazy. Or rather, not crazy, but not the most conscientious either.

Before LJ, I kept a paper journal rather religiously and it has been incredibly helpful to go and look back. At periods that have been rough, I look back when it is near enough to still be relevant but far enough to not be too painful (about a year). At times I'm sure I hurt people inadvertently, through ignorance, or through sheer pig-headedness.

The only thing which has made me better is to open the dialogue so that it occurs during a relationship rather than after it all falls apart. Practice has also made me much wiser and more forgiving than I was when I first started half my life ago. And to keep perspective, it's always important to say "is this conversation actually resolving an issue or just rehashing the old". If you are merely giving or receiving complaints about the past (which can't be changed) or someone's personal character (which generally can't be), then you can fall into

[dpolicar]

Actually, I find it's not very difficult for me to look at past (or present) relationships and see the things I'm doing wrong or did wrong in them

[hammercock]

Mostly, it takes sitting down and thinking about it during moments when I'm not feeling angry or defensive. Sometimes it takes thinking about it when I'm feeling generally guilty and vulnerable, but in those cases I generally have to go back and rethink it when the feeling has passed to avoid trying to own other people's shit.

Yeah, this.