I'm wrong; you're wrong; we're all wrong together.
Most people seem to have relationships in their past that they can look at and say, if not, "Wow, that's my crazy ex, all right!" at least, "Huh. That relationship damaged me in some ways, and here's how," or "There was a lot of good in that relationship, but some bad, too, and I still have some of it with me." Of course, no relationship is perfect
( Read more... )
There's certainly no shortage.
Mostly, it takes sitting down and thinking about it during moments when I'm not feeling angry or defensive. Sometimes it takes thinking about it when I'm feeling generally guilty and vulnerable, but in those cases I generally have to go back and rethink it when the feeling has passed to avoid trying to own other people's shit.
I find the "what would I change if I had to live through all that again?" question works well for me in this regard. I mean, of course, it's kinda goofy when you think too much about it in detail, but it's a good way of focusing my mind on what I regret and why.
Finding the willingness to change in the present is a different matter altogether. Sometimes I do what I would not and sometimes I don't do what I would. Mostly I try to adopt the same attitude I do towards training my dog: reward the behavior I want, ignore the behavior I don't want. This works OK when I remember to do it; still, I often end up forgetting this rule and punishing myself reflexively.
Finding the grace to forgive myself for the past is... well, I'm not very good at that yet. I still beat myself up over, in effect, being childish when I was a child and being selfish when I was an adolescent, despite knowing perfectly well how goofy that is.
Reply
Yeah, this.
Reply
Leave a comment