that one step forward happens wearing concrete shoes

[apiphile]

dead friend update

still dead. marika_kailaya's reading of song for days when your brain is trying to kill you came on my ipod and i am never, ever listening to that poem again. ow. [his funeral happened. i'm far away. i'm scared of trying to share remembrances with his other friends; we ought to be united by grief but instead i'm discovering precisely how much

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

You did the date! And it went reasonably well! Yay!

Have you done bread that rises before? It's pretty easy. You pretty much just need warmth, yeast, and laziness, and it's technically possible to replace yeast with extra laziness.

1. I hope you get a sense of who I'm friends with, because he's a pretty cool guy.
2. Are you me? Literally me? With the "Must do this exactly right or else you're a failure?" (Things I'm working on have been postponed and rescheduled for multiple reasons, some of which are definitely not my fault, am I'm trying to come up with something other than "I failed everything!")
3. Life would be so much easier if it was possible to jump immediately from "Wait, this is unhealthy and irrational!" to not doing the thing, wouldn't it?

[apiphile]

of course now my brain is trying to convince me that it went terribly and that i was an idiot and an embarrassment.

yeah but like, the point of this bread is that it's mostly protein -- which appears to mean "it won't rise", and this is deeply annoying. I got a BIT of a rise after resting it in a 50C oven for an hour and a half but basically: nope.

1. today i'm mostly just oddly sad about all the excited friendly small-childness of the younger me having turned into such an unequivocal wreck for so long.
2. probably ;) YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER can, frankly, do one.
3. internalising something takes a lot longer than realising it.

[wolfy_writing]

Because "I did a thing and it worked" isn't compatible with believing you fail at everything

[apiphile]

And I've been wrong about what people think of me in the past, and I can't be trusted to assume that people Aren't Just Being Polite Until They Can Escape Me, etc.

Pea protein and whey. There's insufficient protein in flour to the carb amount for bread to really work for my diet normally, but even adding a shittonne of xanthum gum is not making up for the absence of gluten. And I don't think you can buy gluten separately to ADD it to stuff, most people want to take it out. There is a BIT of real flour in there...

2. "curse of the 'gifted' child" and a mother with a small lack of imagination on that front.
3. PERENNIAL TERROR THAT PEOPLE WILL BE TIRED OF ME NOT BEING BETTER ALREADY

[tsuki_no_bara]

you could've had celebratory sushi! to congratulate yourself for going through with the date and it not being awkward. altho you can always have "today i got dressed and left the house at a reasonable hour" sushi. i mean, any occasion is a good occasion for raw sushi. :D

seven miles is a lot of walking. good luck.

i too hope you get a sense of the person i'm friends with! because you are indeed a pretty cool dude.

[apiphile]

Well this evening I went for "thank fuck it's the end of the week" bento so basically I've won.

Eh not really? That's only slightly further than from work to my house and I've done that a couple of grumpy times.

[swear_jar]

I'd like to do some of the New River walk but probably not all of it, alas.

"Being evasive" drives me nuts, but also, you're right on with the knowing-you're-sick-doesn't-mean-you're-cured part. That's an important thought.

[apiphile]

Not even very slowly with many breaks?

I'm aware it drives you nuts, it drives everyone nuts, it drives me nuts, but that there is the conflict-avoidance I have. Yours is ... also annoying sometimes :P

[swear_jar]

Like that, I would perhaps like to do it, yes!

*Boop*.

[apiphile]

Then we shall do him tomorrow.