that one step forward happens wearing concrete shoes

[apiphile]

dead friend update

still dead. marika_kailaya's reading of song for days when your brain is trying to kill you came on my ipod and i am never, ever listening to that poem again. ow. [his funeral happened. i'm far away. i'm scared of trying to share remembrances with his other friends; we ought to be united by grief but instead i'm discovering precisely how much

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

You did the date! And it went reasonably well! Yay!

Have you done bread that rises before? It's pretty easy. You pretty much just need warmth, yeast, and laziness, and it's technically possible to replace yeast with extra laziness.

1. I hope you get a sense of who I'm friends with, because he's a pretty cool guy.
2. Are you me? Literally me? With the "Must do this exactly right or else you're a failure?" (Things I'm working on have been postponed and rescheduled for multiple reasons, some of which are definitely not my fault, am I'm trying to come up with something other than "I failed everything!")
3. Life would be so much easier if it was possible to jump immediately from "Wait, this is unhealthy and irrational!" to not doing the thing, wouldn't it?

[apiphile]

of course now my brain is trying to convince me that it went terribly and that i was an idiot and an embarrassment.

yeah but like, the point of this bread is that it's mostly protein -- which appears to mean "it won't rise", and this is deeply annoying. I got a BIT of a rise after resting it in a 50C oven for an hour and a half but basically: nope.

1. today i'm mostly just oddly sad about all the excited friendly small-childness of the younger me having turned into such an unequivocal wreck for so long.
2. probably ;) YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL YOU JUST HAVE TO TRY HARDER can, frankly, do one.
3. internalising something takes a lot longer than realising it.

[wolfy_writing]

Because "I did a thing and it worked" isn't compatible with believing you fail at everything

[apiphile]

And I've been wrong about what people think of me in the past, and I can't be trusted to assume that people Aren't Just Being Polite Until They Can Escape Me, etc.

Pea protein and whey. There's insufficient protein in flour to the carb amount for bread to really work for my diet normally, but even adding a shittonne of xanthum gum is not making up for the absence of gluten. And I don't think you can buy gluten separately to ADD it to stuff, most people want to take it out. There is a BIT of real flour in there...

2. "curse of the 'gifted' child" and a mother with a small lack of imagination on that front.
3. PERENNIAL TERROR THAT PEOPLE WILL BE TIRED OF ME NOT BEING BETTER ALREADY

[wolfy_writing]

And it's impossible to prove other people aren't just acting nice out of politeness. (Have had insecurities on that front, although less intense than yours.)

You can definitely buy gluten separately! I've done it! Literal boxes of wheat gluten! It's mainly for people doing intensely whole-wheat bread who want it to rise better, but it sounds perfect for what you're trying to do.

2. And one of those brains that's very "Have you carefully and thoroughly examined the possibility they're right about the negative trait they think you may have? You probably haven't examined it enough. Let's go over it again."
3. Absolutely not! I would like you to be better sooner for your sake, because things hurt and I would like you to stop hurting so much. But it is reasonable and logical that you are not all better.

[apiphile]

I checked for baking gluten online and just baulked at the price, but I don't think I've ever seen it in shops?! This calls for more research as that would pretty much be an ideal situation. The Breadiest of Bread.

[wolfy_writing]

I've only seen it online as well. I think you could do some pretty amazing protein bread. And I've had seitan that tasted nice, so pure wheat gluten shouldn't be bad for the flavor.

[apiphile]

Oh yeah I have seitan bars and they're super nice. Hrm. Maybe I should Invest.

[wolfy_writing]

SEITAN BREAD!