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[apiphile]

if i wrote about my experiences as fiction no one would want to read. i mean, no one wants to read what i write anyway, but they would not be interested. not because the events are uninteresting or i can't tell an anecdote, just that i have no inner life

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

I always thought my life wouldn't work as fiction because I have no narrative arc. Like interesting stuff happens, but doesn't build to even a set of anecdotes or chapters. It's just stuff happening, and for most of it, you have to be there to appreciate it

[apiphile]

i mean based on hood's book & developmental neurology that's literally how my brain perceives the world: opportunities to fuck up and be punished. was talking to my friend over dinner about rereading some old fiction and realising what i'd thought was "intense romantic love" in some of it was, with the eye of hindsight, "i have no concept how love at any level works and am describing abuse".

(If a negative result seems inevitable, it's often more stressful to be stuck in "How will it hit me?" uncertainty than to know exactly what's coming.)

Hood again: children will actively form attachments to CONSISTENTLY abusive parents over inconsistently kind ones because what they need is certainty more than kindness. :(

(I mean who's a better writer - E.L. James, or John Kennedy Toole?my internalised tumblr politics voice just cried misogyny over this so i'm replacing EL James with Dan Brown, but the result remains the same. ho hum. (i just wish there was a vogue for sad stories about boys having mental breakdowns without realising it

[wolfy_writing]

i mean based on hood's book & developmental neurology that's literally how my brain perceives the world: opportunities to fuck up and be punished.

Yeah, and retraining yourself over something basic is way more complicated than "I am intellectually aware that is distorted, so problem solved!"

Hood again: children will actively form attachments to CONSISTENTLY abusive parents over inconsistently kind ones because what they need is certainty more than kindness.

That makes sense. Human brains are wired to survive in desperate circumstances, even if that backfires under non-desperate circumstances.

(i just wish there was a vogue for sad stories about boys having mental breakdowns without realising it instead of "three-part series about boys kissing").

If "Having a mental breakdown without realizing it" was a popular genre, I'd be set! (Except for my tendency to write "Actually, is isn't in your head, it's reality that's gone weird.")

[apiphile]

Intellectual awareness of the fact that I'm full of shit has never been my problem, I'm pretty goddamn good at doublethink.

Your version of my favoured genre (fistbump!) is REALLY SCARY ahaha.