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[apiphile]

if i wrote about my experiences as fiction no one would want to read. i mean, no one wants to read what i write anyway, but they would not be interested. not because the events are uninteresting or i can't tell an anecdote, just that i have no inner life

Comments

[wolfy_writing]

I always thought my life wouldn't work as fiction because I have no narrative arc. Like interesting stuff happens, but doesn't build to even a set of anecdotes or chapters. It's just stuff happening, and for most of it, you have to be there to appreciate it.

That's some complicated stuff. You've had a lot of your life being taught to expect brutal punishment based on arbitrary criteria, and it makes sense that it would still take up a lot of your brain. I've seen how you tread people, so you definitely have compassion and value people beyond your ability to control them, but it sounds like you have trouble dealing with the emotional discomfort of them caring about you, because you're used to everything somehow working out to "I will be punished for this." (If a negative result seems inevitable, it's often more stressful to be stuck in "How will it hit me?" uncertainty than to know exactly what's coming.)

I'm going to disagree with you on the good, relatable characters front. You write brilliantly, and haven't become popular because of the vagaries of the publishing market, and how quality isn't always rewarded by popularity. (I mean who's a better writer - E.L. James, or John Kennedy Toole?

[apiphile]

i mean based on hood's book & developmental neurology that's literally how my brain perceives the world: opportunities to fuck up and be punished. was talking to my friend over dinner about rereading some old fiction and realising what i'd thought was "intense romantic love" in some of it was, with the eye of hindsight, "i have no concept how love at any level works and am describing abuse".

(If a negative result seems inevitable, it's often more stressful to be stuck in "How will it hit me?" uncertainty than to know exactly what's coming.)

Hood again: children will actively form attachments to CONSISTENTLY abusive parents over inconsistently kind ones because what they need is certainty more than kindness. :(

(I mean who's a better writer - E.L. James, or John Kennedy Toole?

my internalised tumblr politics voice just cried misogyny over this so i'm replacing EL James with Dan Brown, but the result remains the same. ho hum. (i just wish there was a vogue for sad stories about boys having mental breakdowns without realising it instead of "three-part series about boys kissing").

[wolfy_writing]

i mean based on hood's book & developmental neurology that's literally how my brain perceives the world: opportunities to fuck up and be punished.

Yeah, and retraining yourself over something basic is way more complicated than "I am intellectually aware that is distorted, so problem solved!"

Hood again: children will actively form attachments to CONSISTENTLY abusive parents over inconsistently kind ones because what they need is certainty more than kindness.

That makes sense. Human brains are wired to survive in desperate circumstances, even if that backfires under non-desperate circumstances.

(i just wish there was a vogue for sad stories about boys having mental breakdowns without realising it instead of "three-part series about boys kissing").

If "Having a mental breakdown without realizing it" was a popular genre, I'd be set! (Except for my tendency to write "Actually, is isn't in your head, it's reality that's gone weird.")

[apiphile]

Intellectual awareness of the fact that I'm full of shit has never been my problem, I'm pretty goddamn good at doublethink.

Your version of my favoured genre (fistbump!) is REALLY SCARY ahaha.

[wolfy_writing]

It's a shame knowing stuff doesn't fix stuff.

You haven't read my "Character is having a mental breakdown without realizing it and also something massively weird with reality is happening, therefore making it ever harder to sort out what's real" stuff.

[apiphile]

whoa slow down there SATAN

[wolfy_writing]

I've actually written that three times. Twice with an external perspective of "How many of these weird claims can I trust?" and dangerous consequences for picking either "They're mentally ill, therefore I should disregard everything that's too weird" or "Magic literally happened, so I should treat this person like they're perfectly healthy" (one dangerously self-loathing college professor with a literal portal to Hell, and one attractive backpacker girlfriend with some self-destructive habits, intense mood swings, and the ability to turn objects into other things by touching them). Once with an inside perspective, with "The voices in your head claims to be an interdimensional being and also the only thing holding back the dangerously intense PTSD caused by the spy agency kidnapping you and inserting it into your head, and also you're developing the ability to walk through walls."

[apiphile]

The question of "whose account to trust" is clearly something which plays on your mind artistically.

[wolfy_writing]

I like it when the tension between authorities or conventional wisdom and the seemingly-crazy person doesn't resolve neatly.

[apiphile]

almost like real life!

[wolfy_writing]

But with more people having bits of their skin turned into worms. Hopefully more. I don't know how often that happens in your life.

[apiphile]

well i think sometimes people have their skin eaten by worms

also ew well done top-notch bodyhorror

[wolfy_writing]

Thanks! It's mainly about the person who accidentally does things like that when she's upset, and her girlfriend who is trying to sort out what's real and who to believe and character that in my mind is "Totally ripped off from that one show no one but me watched" but with a different name, nationality, ethnicity, appearance, backstory, motivation, and personality traits.

[apiphile]

So in actual fact, not totally ripped off at all, considering I have literally written Ben Goldacre in two separate books now.

[wolfy_writing]

It's like how my story Blue is a complete ripoff of Christopher Moore's Sacre Bleu, except for the setting, characters, plot, and tone.