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antiqrule1

(Untitled)

Jul 10, 2014 10:11

I know my period is coming, so I'm going to blame my suicidal thoughts on that. Now that I've moved back to Boulder (and I say the word "moved" loosely because I'm sleeping in my parents closet and don't have an actual place of my own), I've recognized that I'm unhappy everywhere. I don't know how to recapture happiness, and I'm past feeling ( Read more... )

hopelessness, music, john, parents, self-hatred, boulder, sadness, suicide

Comments 5

kyki July 11 2014, 01:45:36 UTC

I was told by countless people that I would be unhappy anywhere and I had to find happiness inside first. First of, of course this is true that you have to find happiness inside, but it's a load of bullshit to say where you are physically doesn't make a difference. My life is 100 times easier in London, but of course I don't have a visa or anything to stay there. But I meet people easier, they like me easier, I find jobs easier, etc. So bullshit to anyone who says it doesn't matter where you are. I was able to accomplish so much when I moved here from Colorado. It's not Colorado that's the problem, because some people do great there, but it is absolutely the problem for me and for certain other people (I don't know if this is true for you so I won't make that judgement). But I had the most insanely difficult time getting work in Colorado and I have basically been rejected by everywhere. I was miserable there and I always had serious issues there with people. I don't like it here, I find it incredibly isolating, but I do ( ... )

antiqrule1 July 17 2014, 20:21:29 UTC

I think you're right. Different places lead to different lifestyles lead to different levels of happiness. I don't even know if I was happier in New York-it was just so different that I was a different person. Being in New York made me feel at least somewhat more important, while being back in Colorado makes me feel like I've succumbed to mediocrity.

I'm so glad it's not just me. Where are you now? Have you moved from California yet?

kyki July 18 2014, 16:04:27 UTC

I've decided to stay in California through the end of my paramedic degree. I think this is a good choice.

Yeah, New York may not be a perfect fit for you but I'm glad you got to explore that. It had some good obviously. So you just need to find that fit. I know personally, that the perfect fit does not exist in this country. I am not an American and I do not fit in here. But that doesn't mean I can't be temporarily happy somwhere. I'm just about to blog about this so I'll spare you the details.

antiqrule1 July 18 2014, 22:42:51 UTC

Oh, I miss you, Kyki.

(The comment has been removed)

antiqrule1 July 17 2014, 20:17:09 UTC

You're so right. Longmont/Niwot is worthless. And everyone here is basically older. It feels like a retirement community, somehow-I don't remember it being like this. Boulder isn't terrible, but there's a major age gap that exists, in that they most people are either in their early 20s and younger or in their 40s and older. I'm thinking of what to do next with my life, because I can't go on like this here; this seems like total unreality, especially coming from New York ( ... )