I Walk a Fine Line (Between The Right And The Real)
Title: I Walk a Fine Line [4/20]
Author: 23a_j10
Beta: therapyrequired (Who is currently away so it's not her fault I've made mistakes xD)
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth + Jack Barakat.
Rating: R/NC-17: Overall.
Warnings: I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're subject to OCD in any form. Mental illness, and self-harm.
Summary: When the only thing Alex believes in is killing him and the only thing Jack believes in is love can the two save each other from their unhealthy and unrealistic lives.
Disclaimer: I don't know/own All Time Low.
P.O.V.: Third
Author's notes: Okay, this is a bit different and will probably be a long one. The warnings are there for a reason so take it into consideration before reading I don't want to be responsible for your downfall. On the plus side, if your pretty stable I'd say it's safe to read and enjoy :D
I updated both fics in one day, hi five anyone? This particular chapter is NOT recommended to ex/recovering/or current selfharmers <3
MASTERPOST
Jack decides he hates his maths class more than any other. His teacher always finds an excuse to keep him behind which really sucks when it’s lunch the hour after. He’s not one for school at all. He doesn’t care about the qualifications or “high school experience” he just wants to find a few guys who’ll start a band with him and find his lame sense of humour funny.
“Jack Barakat!” Jack almost yells out of frustration at his stupid maths teacher, “Do you EVER pay attention in this class?”
After a few choice words and unusable sentences pass through the raven haired boy’s mind he replies,
“Yes” Which was obviously a lie,
“Are you dyslexic or just stupid?” The teacher asks demeaning him in front of the class of seventeen year olds.
“Just stupid” Jack replies stretching out his limbs lazily refusing to be embarrassed by such a smug dickface.
“Detention” Jack swears he catches a smile in the teacher’s voice as he says it,
“Sir, did you know it’s bullying when you continuously single out an individual for a particular characteristic, or variety of characteristics?” Alex speaks up from the back of the classroom. The teacher opens his mouth to reply and closes it again before saying,
“Detention for you too Gaskarth” The teacher frowns and turned to write on the board. Jack glances over his shoulder to Alex who’s offering a lopsided smile, the youngest returns it before looking forward again to that stupid damn teacher who he’s mentally stabbing with a big rubber hammer.
“You know you don’t have to stick up for me” Jack tells Alex who now occupies the seat next to him.
“No offence, but you’re not so great at sticking up for yourself” Alex smiles a bit leaning his head on his hand.
“Yeah, well he’s a teacher and I am just stupid and especially stupid when it comes to maths” Jack shrugs and doesn’t anticipate Alex’s response,
“What! Jack Barakat don’t talk about yourself like that!” The older boy looks almost angry as he says this rising from his seat a little. “You’re not stupid, don’t ever believe anyone who says that...” Alex takes a breath and forces himself to sit still, he feels that want starting to crawl over his skin.
“Are you okay?” Jack asks, eyebrows creasing with concern as he watches Alex start to fidget uncontrollably in his seat.
“No, I don’t... Feel so good” Alex lies, he’ll be fine he just needs to get his release and quick.
“Do you want me to take you to the nurse?” Jack offers watching Alex carefully.
“Please” Alex stands quickly and Jack walks behind him with his arm outstretched around the elder’s body ready to catch him if he falls. Alex pulls the door handle but nothing happens. He tries again.
“The doors locked” Alex exhales sharply as he head butts the door in frustration
“Whoa, okay don’t hurt yourself come sit down we’ve only got to wait twentyish minutes” Jack nervously grabs Alex’s arm and leads him to their seats ignoring the flinch from the boy as his hand made contact with his wrist. Alex sits and groans aloud his limbs refusing to rest as he craves his unhealthy addiction.
“Alex you don’t look so good...” Jack worries, “What’s the matter?”
“I really need to get out of here Jack” Alex stares him straight in the eyes desperately
“I don’t think that’s an option right now, sorry” Jack bites his lip unsure of what to do. Alex begins to pull on his sleeves and Jack says,
“Do you want to take that off? It’s really hot in here it’ll help”
“I can’t...” Alex shakes his head side to side
“Alex please I don’t want you to faint from the heat?” Jack tries again and this time Alex gives him a strange look, maybe apologetic, slightly ashamed as he shrugs off his oversized grey zip-up hoodies. Alex holds the fabric close to his body, hiding his arms, the want bubbling all over his too hot skin.
“Jack please I need to get out of here and now!” Alex’s voice is strained with anxiety.
“Alex, please tells me what’s wrong?” Jack is filled up with concern confused at Alex’s sudden change in composure.
“I can’t”
“Alex you stuck up for me I’m not going to judge you”
“I can’t tell you, please open the door, please” Alex pleads rocking in his seat, clutching his hoodies against him.
“I can’t open the door, why do you need to go?”
“So I can be alone”
“Why do you need to be alone”
“Because I need to...”
“What do you need”
“This!” Alex shouts staring Jack in the face trusting his arms out into the younger’s chest. Jack looks down at his dreadfully flawed arms and swallows, hard. Jack’s stomach twists and his heart is crushed with regret as he takes Alex’s arms into his hands.
“I need this” Alex whispers and doesn’t seem to notice the tears trailing down his cheeks as he confesses his addiction to Jack. The younger starts to tremble and his grip on Alex tightens,
“I’m a recovering... Recovering self harmer Alex”
“Shit...” The brunette cruses and tries to pull away but Jack doesn’t let go.
“Are you a virgin?” Jack barely breathes as he asks
“W-what?” Alex stumbles over his reply, unprepared for the question
“Are you?” Jack demands impatient
“Yes...”
“Me too, I’m clear. What have you got on you?” Jack asks and Alex knows what he means.
“Jack... I can’t...”
“Alex do you want to or not? Because I can’t wait, can you?”
“No...”
“Then what have you got?” Jack lets go of one of Alex’s arms which dives to his pocket and pulls out a black wallet with a chain on. Alex shakes as he produces his small silver vice. Jack returns his grip to Alex’s arm holding his arms upwards, the silver between the elder’s fingers.
“How long?” Alex asks with a low voice
“Four months”
“Dammit Jack I can’t let you-“
“Alex don’t you dare fucking judge me look at your arms!”
“I know but Jack, you’ve been strong I can’t be your downfall don’t let me ruin you”
“It’s too late, my mind is made up” Jack lets go of Alex’s arms to put his hands on either side of his tear ridden face.
“No... I can’t let you...” Alex sobs harder,
“Then don’t let me” Jack says and in a flash he snatches Alex’s blade from his shaking fingers. In a moment he’s pressing the sharpness into the pale skin of his left arm, dragging slowly making sure he can feel every tear of flesh in his chest as he lets of a whimper of pain, eyes rolling shut. Alex watches the scene in front of him, unable to move. His eyes fixated on the blood, his ears fixated with the sound of Jack’s cry. Jack let’s his body indulge in the sensation he’s longed so hard to forger, and longed so much harder not to want, not to need. The warm colour of his insides make tracks down his arm before Alex can stop him, pulling the blade from his fingers, nicking his own hand in the process. Jack slowly opens his eyes and looks at his arm, a cut of about five inches sideward’s leaks over the classroom floor.
“I’m sorry Alex” He speaks slowly, the realization hitting him. Anger and guilt claims his emotions as he rushes to the sink at the back of the room, washing away the unforgivable mark he’d made for himself. He leans over the basin and starts to break down. Four months, four fucking months without this shit and he’d ruined it all... He’d swore never on his arms, never, it’s obvious and the constant reminder would just trigger him further but here he was, a single cut on his arm a constant reminder. Alex trembles quietly in his seat as he studies Jack’s figure shaking with sobs. Ashamed he looks down at the freshly opened skin of his left arm. Putting away his safety blanket of destruction he makes his way over to Jack’s side holding his arm out next to the younger’s. The water eventually cleans away all the crimson colouring from their skin and from the basin it’s self.
“I’m sorry Jack...” Alex looks up to see his classmate with the most disturbed look across his features. He looks truly broken. Alex pulls Jack into his arms, his hands wrapped in the younger’s hair. Jack cries softly against Alex’s shirt, his own arms twisting around Alex’s body. The older of the two looks blankly into the distance, completely confused and guilt ridden. The younger feels terrible and pathetic, cursing himself for being so weak and useless as he grips harder on to the only person he’d ever felt connected to.
“I’m so sorry Jack...”
“I’m sorry too..."
Chapter Five
Author: 23a_j10
Beta: therapyrequired (Who is currently away so it's not her fault I've made mistakes xD)
Pairing: Alex Gaskarth + Jack Barakat.
Rating: R/NC-17: Overall.
Warnings: I wouldn't recommend reading this if you're subject to OCD in any form. Mental illness, and self-harm.
Summary: When the only thing Alex believes in is killing him and the only thing Jack believes in is love can the two save each other from their unhealthy and unrealistic lives.
Disclaimer: I don't know/own All Time Low.
P.O.V.: Third
Author's notes: Okay, this is a bit different and will probably be a long one. The warnings are there for a reason so take it into consideration before reading I don't want to be responsible for your downfall. On the plus side, if your pretty stable I'd say it's safe to read and enjoy :D
I updated both fics in one day, hi five anyone? This particular chapter is NOT recommended to ex/recovering/or current selfharmers <3
MASTERPOST
Jack decides he hates his maths class more than any other. His teacher always finds an excuse to keep him behind which really sucks when it’s lunch the hour after. He’s not one for school at all. He doesn’t care about the qualifications or “high school experience” he just wants to find a few guys who’ll start a band with him and find his lame sense of humour funny.
“Jack Barakat!” Jack almost yells out of frustration at his stupid maths teacher, “Do you EVER pay attention in this class?”
After a few choice words and unusable sentences pass through the raven haired boy’s mind he replies,
“Yes” Which was obviously a lie,
“Are you dyslexic or just stupid?” The teacher asks demeaning him in front of the class of seventeen year olds.
“Just stupid” Jack replies stretching out his limbs lazily refusing to be embarrassed by such a smug dickface.
“Detention” Jack swears he catches a smile in the teacher’s voice as he says it,
“Sir, did you know it’s bullying when you continuously single out an individual for a particular characteristic, or variety of characteristics?” Alex speaks up from the back of the classroom. The teacher opens his mouth to reply and closes it again before saying,
“Detention for you too Gaskarth” The teacher frowns and turned to write on the board. Jack glances over his shoulder to Alex who’s offering a lopsided smile, the youngest returns it before looking forward again to that stupid damn teacher who he’s mentally stabbing with a big rubber hammer.
“You know you don’t have to stick up for me” Jack tells Alex who now occupies the seat next to him.
“No offence, but you’re not so great at sticking up for yourself” Alex smiles a bit leaning his head on his hand.
“Yeah, well he’s a teacher and I am just stupid and especially stupid when it comes to maths” Jack shrugs and doesn’t anticipate Alex’s response,
“What! Jack Barakat don’t talk about yourself like that!” The older boy looks almost angry as he says this rising from his seat a little. “You’re not stupid, don’t ever believe anyone who says that...” Alex takes a breath and forces himself to sit still, he feels that want starting to crawl over his skin.
“Are you okay?” Jack asks, eyebrows creasing with concern as he watches Alex start to fidget uncontrollably in his seat.
“No, I don’t... Feel so good” Alex lies, he’ll be fine he just needs to get his release and quick.
“Do you want me to take you to the nurse?” Jack offers watching Alex carefully.
“Please” Alex stands quickly and Jack walks behind him with his arm outstretched around the elder’s body ready to catch him if he falls. Alex pulls the door handle but nothing happens. He tries again.
“The doors locked” Alex exhales sharply as he head butts the door in frustration
“Whoa, okay don’t hurt yourself come sit down we’ve only got to wait twentyish minutes” Jack nervously grabs Alex’s arm and leads him to their seats ignoring the flinch from the boy as his hand made contact with his wrist. Alex sits and groans aloud his limbs refusing to rest as he craves his unhealthy addiction.
“Alex you don’t look so good...” Jack worries, “What’s the matter?”
“I really need to get out of here Jack” Alex stares him straight in the eyes desperately
“I don’t think that’s an option right now, sorry” Jack bites his lip unsure of what to do. Alex begins to pull on his sleeves and Jack says,
“Do you want to take that off? It’s really hot in here it’ll help”
“I can’t...” Alex shakes his head side to side
“Alex please I don’t want you to faint from the heat?” Jack tries again and this time Alex gives him a strange look, maybe apologetic, slightly ashamed as he shrugs off his oversized grey zip-up hoodies. Alex holds the fabric close to his body, hiding his arms, the want bubbling all over his too hot skin.
“Jack please I need to get out of here and now!” Alex’s voice is strained with anxiety.
“Alex, please tells me what’s wrong?” Jack is filled up with concern confused at Alex’s sudden change in composure.
“I can’t”
“Alex you stuck up for me I’m not going to judge you”
“I can’t tell you, please open the door, please” Alex pleads rocking in his seat, clutching his hoodies against him.
“I can’t open the door, why do you need to go?”
“So I can be alone”
“Why do you need to be alone”
“Because I need to...”
“What do you need”
“This!” Alex shouts staring Jack in the face trusting his arms out into the younger’s chest. Jack looks down at his dreadfully flawed arms and swallows, hard. Jack’s stomach twists and his heart is crushed with regret as he takes Alex’s arms into his hands.
“I need this” Alex whispers and doesn’t seem to notice the tears trailing down his cheeks as he confesses his addiction to Jack. The younger starts to tremble and his grip on Alex tightens,
“I’m a recovering... Recovering self harmer Alex”
“Shit...” The brunette cruses and tries to pull away but Jack doesn’t let go.
“Are you a virgin?” Jack barely breathes as he asks
“W-what?” Alex stumbles over his reply, unprepared for the question
“Are you?” Jack demands impatient
“Yes...”
“Me too, I’m clear. What have you got on you?” Jack asks and Alex knows what he means.
“Jack... I can’t...”
“Alex do you want to or not? Because I can’t wait, can you?”
“No...”
“Then what have you got?” Jack lets go of one of Alex’s arms which dives to his pocket and pulls out a black wallet with a chain on. Alex shakes as he produces his small silver vice. Jack returns his grip to Alex’s arm holding his arms upwards, the silver between the elder’s fingers.
“How long?” Alex asks with a low voice
“Four months”
“Dammit Jack I can’t let you-“
“Alex don’t you dare fucking judge me look at your arms!”
“I know but Jack, you’ve been strong I can’t be your downfall don’t let me ruin you”
“It’s too late, my mind is made up” Jack lets go of Alex’s arms to put his hands on either side of his tear ridden face.
“No... I can’t let you...” Alex sobs harder,
“Then don’t let me” Jack says and in a flash he snatches Alex’s blade from his shaking fingers. In a moment he’s pressing the sharpness into the pale skin of his left arm, dragging slowly making sure he can feel every tear of flesh in his chest as he lets of a whimper of pain, eyes rolling shut. Alex watches the scene in front of him, unable to move. His eyes fixated on the blood, his ears fixated with the sound of Jack’s cry. Jack let’s his body indulge in the sensation he’s longed so hard to forger, and longed so much harder not to want, not to need. The warm colour of his insides make tracks down his arm before Alex can stop him, pulling the blade from his fingers, nicking his own hand in the process. Jack slowly opens his eyes and looks at his arm, a cut of about five inches sideward’s leaks over the classroom floor.
“I’m sorry Alex” He speaks slowly, the realization hitting him. Anger and guilt claims his emotions as he rushes to the sink at the back of the room, washing away the unforgivable mark he’d made for himself. He leans over the basin and starts to break down. Four months, four fucking months without this shit and he’d ruined it all... He’d swore never on his arms, never, it’s obvious and the constant reminder would just trigger him further but here he was, a single cut on his arm a constant reminder. Alex trembles quietly in his seat as he studies Jack’s figure shaking with sobs. Ashamed he looks down at the freshly opened skin of his left arm. Putting away his safety blanket of destruction he makes his way over to Jack’s side holding his arm out next to the younger’s. The water eventually cleans away all the crimson colouring from their skin and from the basin it’s self.
“I’m sorry Jack...” Alex looks up to see his classmate with the most disturbed look across his features. He looks truly broken. Alex pulls Jack into his arms, his hands wrapped in the younger’s hair. Jack cries softly against Alex’s shirt, his own arms twisting around Alex’s body. The older of the two looks blankly into the distance, completely confused and guilt ridden. The younger feels terrible and pathetic, cursing himself for being so weak and useless as he grips harder on to the only person he’d ever felt connected to.
“I’m so sorry Jack...”
“I’m sorry too..."
Chapter Five