WTF parenting moment

[aliki]

Even if a 4-year old has been misbehaving (temper tantrums, whining, lots of crying) for the past few weeks, when they see you go outside (to lift some heavy construction site materials), and they rush to put on their jacket and shoes on so they can "help you", who the fuck says to their 4-year old child, "I don't want you to help. I don't want to

Comments

[calypso72]

My ex-brother-in-law is that kind of parent. It was ok with his first child, who was almost always perfectly behaved, but it was positively horrific to watch with his second child, who was/is more willful.

[spacefem]

I've told Josie that I didn't want to play with her because I was mad that she just hit me in the face... was it like that, a recent, awful action that the kid needs to feel bad about?

If it's just general "you've been moody lately" then that's not an acceptable way to treat any person.

[aliki]

No, more like:
- She wanted to bring the stuffed panda from the car to church, and he said no, and she cried.
- She wanted to wear the new light-up sneakers for the third day in a row, and he said no, you need to pick something else, and she cried.
- She wanted to go outside without her jacket, but it's too cold, and he said he's just going to go out without her now, so she was left behind and cried.
- He told her twice to stop getting out of her seat at dinner time, and she stood up again.

She never hits, she never punches, she never kicks. She never says mean words or cuss words.

[aliki]

He has this rule about rotating your shoes; wearing them too often is bad for the shoes and your foot?

[zhelana]

ouch WTF!

[tabloidscully]

I'm going to be the lone voice of dissent here.

Is it okay to say that kind of thing to a child as a first line of defense in grade-A parenting? No, of course not. But something tells me that if Brian had that as his default programming, you wouldn't be with him, let alone having children with him

[aliki]

I appreciate you writing this, because in my fights with Brian, it is often hard to see his point of view, especially when we are being hotheads about it. (Me thinking he is cruel, and him thinking I'm enabling her bad behavior and not being supportive of him)

Now that you've explained it as you have, and very well at that, I understand where he is coming from.

He did end up going in to her bedroom and talking to her, just the two of them, maybe an hour or so after our big fight, and probably 4 - 5 hours after he said what he said to her.

[tabloidscully]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It's always really frightening to open up about my anger issues. Talking about them causes me serious anxiety--you never know who might be watching and wanting to use it as grounds to take your kid. Especially the contentious situation I have going on with H and his mom

[aliki]

I see many similarities between what you wrote, and how Brian behaves. I see he gets angry easily (his temper flares so fast!), but then equally fast, he shuts down (inwardly), or leaves the room, or refuses to talk.

I think Brian yells at Erika at least once a day on weekends. He will make it fine through the day, then as the day progresses, by evening, it is virtually inevitable. :/ It is exactly as you describe... it just builds and builds, and then any thing will set him off.

In the past, his coping mechanisms were smoking and drinking. He started smoking when he was 13 or 14 years old, and at the worst, smoked 1-1/2 packs a day. At his worst, he could drink a bottle of wine with dinner (by himself), 3 - 4 whiskeys/vodka afterwards, and maybe rummage around for a second bottle of beer. If he ran out of liquor (or I poured the stuff out), he'd drive (drunk) to the liquor store to get more. Giving up alcohol and cigarettes was a contingency for having children. He has been sober since August 2006.

[koyaaniisqatsi]

Wow, so dang harsh.