WTF parenting moment
Even if a 4-year old has been misbehaving (temper tantrums, whining, lots of crying) for the past few weeks, when they see you go outside (to lift some heavy construction site materials), and they rush to put on their jacket and shoes on so they can "help you", who the fuck says to their 4-year old child, "I don't want you to help. I don't want to
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Is it okay to say that kind of thing to a child as a first line of defense in grade-A parenting? No, of course not. But something tells me that if Brian had that as his default programming, you wouldn't be with him, let alone having children with him.
Having said that, I am guilty of saying these kinds of things to Sephie when I have hit the full limits of patience. It doesn't happen as often as it used to, but it still pops up once in a while. For me, it's very much an acknowledgment of being so angry I don't know what to do with myself if she stays near me. I don't want to repeat my own childhood of physical and verbal abuse, yet I have a ridiculous anger problem. The intensity of my rage honestly scares me. And when I get to that place, I need my child to stay away from me so I can cool down. So I say that kind of thing not to punish her, but to give me the space I need so I don't say something intentionally cruel or worse. When she was little, it was easy; I could put her in her crib or her swing to get the space I needed. As a four-year-old, it's not so easy. She follows me and this is the only way I can communicate with her in a manner she understands and will listen to.
Like Erika, she is a very sensitive child. It hurts her feelings when I say it to her because she doesn't understand I'm trying to protect her and keep her safe. When I've calmed down, I always go over and explain it to her. Injuring my daughter emotionally pains me greatly--but I will take that pain over losing my cool in the wrong moment and striking her or yelling intentionally cruel things. And no, I'm not excusing my shitty parenting. I'm doing the best I can and I'm constantly striving to do better with my therapist and the parenting classes I voluntarily enrolled myself in so that I could get to the point where even yelling is something that doesn't feel so instinctual to me. Part of that doing better is making sure that she is safe at all times, even from me when needed and necessary.
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Now that you've explained it as you have, and very well at that, I understand where he is coming from.
He did end up going in to her bedroom and talking to her, just the two of them, maybe an hour or so after our big fight, and probably 4 - 5 hours after he said what he said to her.
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I'm glad it was able to help you with him. As I said, I am not defending this as a behavior, because it isn't defensible. That is why I hope to one day get it out of my system. The other thing I thought about after I made reply is how you listed the supposed infractions Erika committed above. But Brian's reaction isn't about her. Same with me and Sephie. She could punch me in the face, swear at me, glue macaroni noodles to the fridge--but the truth is, if I'm going to get angry, it could be all of those things or none of them. I was careful to frame my response as "I hit the full limits of patience" rather than, "Sephie has pushed me to my limit" because she can't control my emotions. Brian isn't angry because Erika did those things; Brian's angry because he is failing to properly manage his emotional responses, and the stimuli just happens to be Erika.
Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but a few months ago, I read an article while trying to practice the Yell-Free Year Challenge and it said basically to stop blaming children for being children and understand that you are responsible for your mental and emotional state; they're just the targets when you aren't equipped to handle what you're dealing with. It really changed how I looked at the process of parenting through the negative side of things. I wish I had thought to save it, because I'd like to reference it more, but I have managed to keep the gist of it. I really hope to get over my yelling, but I know an important point to that is I have to learn to manage emotions, which is really difficult for me, and until I am sure I can do that, there will be moments I have like this one with Brian.
Out of curiosity, does Brian have a temper? Or is he just someone who tends not to have a lot of patience? I don't know how he feels, but I always feel bad when I snap at Sephie and, as I mentioned, I always apologize and talk to her after it's over. I've been really upfront with her that, "You know how Mommy gets sick a lot? Sometimes she gets so sick, she gets really mad and sad and she has to be alone until she feels better. It's not okay Mommy hurt your feelings because she was sad, and she is sorry." Sephie doesn't understand that "sick" means PTSD, obviously, but she does understand that being "sick" is why I am angry and depressed often, and she understands that "Mommy talking to Ms. Sue" is like her taking her vitamins every morning. It's part of being healthy and getting better. I'm curious as to what Brian told Erika about his outburst, if anything.
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I think Brian yells at Erika at least once a day on weekends. He will make it fine through the day, then as the day progresses, by evening, it is virtually inevitable. :/ It is exactly as you describe... it just builds and builds, and then any thing will set him off.
In the past, his coping mechanisms were smoking and drinking. He started smoking when he was 13 or 14 years old, and at the worst, smoked 1-1/2 packs a day. At his worst, he could drink a bottle of wine with dinner (by himself), 3 - 4 whiskeys/vodka afterwards, and maybe rummage around for a second bottle of beer. If he ran out of liquor (or I poured the stuff out), he'd drive (drunk) to the liquor store to get more. Giving up alcohol and cigarettes was a contingency for having children. He has been sober since August 2006.
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