Not Pretending
This is Part Seventeen in a series. Trigger warning for mentions of rape.
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen, Part Sixteen
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Finbar appeared in the hallway at that moment. Still, on the floor, I caught his cold gaze for just a moment. My cheeks burned even as another chill ran down my spine.
“What is the Gods Council going after Nico for?” Finbar asked. He must have heard the god's question. Then, he spotted Egan's body, his eyes going wide. “You - you killed Egan, didn't you?”
“I did,” Nico said.
Finbar looked at him, shocked and confused. “Why?”
Nico's eyes hardened. “Because of what he did to Breccan.”
He raised an eyebrow. “As far as I know, Breccan wanted everything Egan did to him.”
My cheeks burned even hotter and I curled myself into a ball, not wanting to hear Nico talk about something that didn't happen. I couldn't look at either of them and wished I could block out the sound of their conversation.
“He didn't want Egan to rape him,” Nico hissed.
Finbar snorted derisively. “Rape? Really? Are you sure that's not something Breccan said just to make himself look better? After all, he told me he wouldn't go back to Egan, but I never expected that to last.”
Maris said, “Finbar, I suggest you stop talking right now.”
I whimpered and curled myself even tighter.
“Why should I stop talking? I'm allowed to have an opinion, aren't I?” Finbar muttered.
“Your 'opinion' is wrong. I caught Egan in the act. Trust me, Breccan didn't want it.” Nico's voice was hard, angry.
Finbar laughed, an oddly strained sound. “Trust you? I trusted Breccan, and look where that got me.”
Nico said, “That - your problems with Breccan have nothing to do with what I saw, with what Egan did. I'm sorry Breccan hurt you, but that doesn't mean he wasn't raped.”
Maris grumbled, “Nico's right, and Finbar, you are being fucking stupid. He's not making it up, and it's going to matter when we all go before the Gods Council.”
“I'm not being stupid. What makes you so sure you saw what you thought you saw?” Finbar sounded so sure he was right.
None of them were right. Nothing happened; there wasn't anything to argue over. They - everyone needed to stop talking about this. I whimpered again. My eyes stung, and I felt tears start to fall from them. I curled myself yet tighter, wanting to block out everything. If I could, I would reset time, but I had no power anymore.
Nico muttered, “I know what I saw, and if you had any decency whatsoever, you would believe me.”
“You're talking to me about decency? Where Breccan is concerned? He didn't bother with decency when he fell into Egan's arms. He - he was supposed to be mine, and he betrayed me. And now I'm supposed to believe you about him? Really?” Finbar choked on his words.
Was - was Finbar actually crying? I dared to uncurl just enough to get a quick look. Indeed, he was crying.
Maris glared at Finbar. “Are you actually going to get upset now? I can't believe you.”
“I'm allowed to be upset,” he cried as tears fell down his face.
Nico asked, “You really think you're allowed to be upset now? After what happened to Breccan and what you said?”
I couldn't take this anymore. This - it all needed to go away. “Stop talking about this,” I moaned softly. “Please. Nothing happened.”
Finbar's eyes shined with something like triumph. “See? Breccan says nothing happened. And I am allowed to be upset, alright?”
“Nothing happened? That's bullshit and you both know it,” Maris said.
Nico looked at me, his pale eyes filled with concern and something else I couldn't quite place. He knelt beside me. “Breccan, it's alright. You don't - don't have to pretend. I won't think any less of you.”
“Not pretending,” I whispered.
Deep down, I knew I was pretending, but I didn't want to admit that. Nico placed a hand on my shoulder, much like I had done for him earlier. When he did that, I felt - a something, though I convinced myself I must be imagining it. Nico wouldn't produce the sort of lightning-like sensation Egan had, surely. It had to be stress from - from everything I didn't want to be true.
Nico squeezed my shoulder, more intensely that I would have expected. I definitely felt that lightning-like sensation again, and it was very much similar to what Egan had produced in me. Stress had to be making me feel such a thing, right?
Maris asked, “Nico, what are you doing?”
He drew his hand away from me, his eyes going wide. “I'm - I'm not doing anything. I was just - just trying to help Breccan.”
Finbar raised an eyebrow. “By getting so physically close after what allegedly happened to him?”
Nico started shaking. “I'm just trying to be a friend. Something you might think about doing, for once.”
“Friends don't make moves like that,” Finbar snapped.
“He has a point there,” Maris said.
Nico shook even worse. “I - I don't know what you're talking about.” From what I could tell, Nico sounded genuine. I heard no trace of a lie in his voice.
What was going on? I didn't understand anything at the moment. What exactly were Maris and Finbar accusing Nico of doing? It almost sounded like they thought the god was attempting to - but Nico couldn't be trying to show that kind of interest in me, not now. Egan's body hadn't even been dealt with and, before he died, he had just - I still didn't want to think about it.
“You really don't know what you're doing? Are you joking?” Finbar sneered. “Don't act all self-righteous about what I said and then turn around to try and seduce Breccan.”
What?
I stammered, “N-Nico's not trying to - to seduce me.” My cheeks burned and I stared at the ground. How could Finbar say such a thing?
Nico stood up fully, in order to face Finbar. He still shook, but I saw anger in his eyes as well. “Don't - don't accuse me of such a thing. I am not Egan.”
Maris said, “You're both gods, though. And I know gods.”
“You don't know me,” Nico hissed.
I worried Nico would lose control like he had with Egan.
“Stop fighting,” I pleaded. “Nico, don't get angry, please. Don't - let what happened with Egan happen again.”
Though he frightened me, I stood up and reached out for Nico. Much like before, I put my hand on his shoulder, ignoring the strange sensation I felt when I touched him. I looked Nico directly in the eye, silently begging him to keep control of himself.
“Nico, please,” I said as I trembled where I stood.
He whispered, “For you, Breccan, I will.”
Nico shook the worst he had yet. I thought he might collapse. He tipped forward, falling into me. I caught him in my arms, stumbling backwards a couple steps. He wrapped his own arms around me and started sobbing into my shoulder. This time, there was no way to deny that the contact caused the lightning-like sensation to flow through my body. It nearly overwhelmed me, but I held tight onto Nico, just so he wouldn't lose control and cause who knew what kind of destruction.
“Should you really do that, Nico?” Finbar asked.
He answered by continuing to sob into my shoulder. What could I do but let him? I didn't like how he made me feel, but I didn't want everyone to die because Nico couldn't keep control over himself.
“Nico needs to collect himself, and soon,” Maris muttered. “I think the Gods Council is going to come calling any second now, and they will not wait long for us. When Nico is summoned, we go, and it won't do any good if he's a sobbing mess.”
My stomach sank; I heard the truth in Maris' words. Dread suffused me, but there wasn't anything I could do but continue to hold Nico and hope the Gods Council would allow us at least a little time to prepare. The chances of that, though, were painfully small. If we were all to survive, I couldn't let the nerves, dread and worry overtake me, even though a large part of me wanted to curl into a ball and give up.
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written for 500themes #192 - "What Can You See?"
Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven, Part Eight, Part Nine, Part Ten, Part Eleven, Part Twelve, Part Thirteen, Part Fourteen, Part Fifteen, Part Sixteen
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Finbar appeared in the hallway at that moment. Still, on the floor, I caught his cold gaze for just a moment. My cheeks burned even as another chill ran down my spine.
“What is the Gods Council going after Nico for?” Finbar asked. He must have heard the god's question. Then, he spotted Egan's body, his eyes going wide. “You - you killed Egan, didn't you?”
“I did,” Nico said.
Finbar looked at him, shocked and confused. “Why?”
Nico's eyes hardened. “Because of what he did to Breccan.”
He raised an eyebrow. “As far as I know, Breccan wanted everything Egan did to him.”
My cheeks burned even hotter and I curled myself into a ball, not wanting to hear Nico talk about something that didn't happen. I couldn't look at either of them and wished I could block out the sound of their conversation.
“He didn't want Egan to rape him,” Nico hissed.
Finbar snorted derisively. “Rape? Really? Are you sure that's not something Breccan said just to make himself look better? After all, he told me he wouldn't go back to Egan, but I never expected that to last.”
Maris said, “Finbar, I suggest you stop talking right now.”
I whimpered and curled myself even tighter.
“Why should I stop talking? I'm allowed to have an opinion, aren't I?” Finbar muttered.
“Your 'opinion' is wrong. I caught Egan in the act. Trust me, Breccan didn't want it.” Nico's voice was hard, angry.
Finbar laughed, an oddly strained sound. “Trust you? I trusted Breccan, and look where that got me.”
Nico said, “That - your problems with Breccan have nothing to do with what I saw, with what Egan did. I'm sorry Breccan hurt you, but that doesn't mean he wasn't raped.”
Maris grumbled, “Nico's right, and Finbar, you are being fucking stupid. He's not making it up, and it's going to matter when we all go before the Gods Council.”
“I'm not being stupid. What makes you so sure you saw what you thought you saw?” Finbar sounded so sure he was right.
None of them were right. Nothing happened; there wasn't anything to argue over. They - everyone needed to stop talking about this. I whimpered again. My eyes stung, and I felt tears start to fall from them. I curled myself yet tighter, wanting to block out everything. If I could, I would reset time, but I had no power anymore.
Nico muttered, “I know what I saw, and if you had any decency whatsoever, you would believe me.”
“You're talking to me about decency? Where Breccan is concerned? He didn't bother with decency when he fell into Egan's arms. He - he was supposed to be mine, and he betrayed me. And now I'm supposed to believe you about him? Really?” Finbar choked on his words.
Was - was Finbar actually crying? I dared to uncurl just enough to get a quick look. Indeed, he was crying.
Maris glared at Finbar. “Are you actually going to get upset now? I can't believe you.”
“I'm allowed to be upset,” he cried as tears fell down his face.
Nico asked, “You really think you're allowed to be upset now? After what happened to Breccan and what you said?”
I couldn't take this anymore. This - it all needed to go away. “Stop talking about this,” I moaned softly. “Please. Nothing happened.”
Finbar's eyes shined with something like triumph. “See? Breccan says nothing happened. And I am allowed to be upset, alright?”
“Nothing happened? That's bullshit and you both know it,” Maris said.
Nico looked at me, his pale eyes filled with concern and something else I couldn't quite place. He knelt beside me. “Breccan, it's alright. You don't - don't have to pretend. I won't think any less of you.”
“Not pretending,” I whispered.
Deep down, I knew I was pretending, but I didn't want to admit that. Nico placed a hand on my shoulder, much like I had done for him earlier. When he did that, I felt - a something, though I convinced myself I must be imagining it. Nico wouldn't produce the sort of lightning-like sensation Egan had, surely. It had to be stress from - from everything I didn't want to be true.
Nico squeezed my shoulder, more intensely that I would have expected. I definitely felt that lightning-like sensation again, and it was very much similar to what Egan had produced in me. Stress had to be making me feel such a thing, right?
Maris asked, “Nico, what are you doing?”
He drew his hand away from me, his eyes going wide. “I'm - I'm not doing anything. I was just - just trying to help Breccan.”
Finbar raised an eyebrow. “By getting so physically close after what allegedly happened to him?”
Nico started shaking. “I'm just trying to be a friend. Something you might think about doing, for once.”
“Friends don't make moves like that,” Finbar snapped.
“He has a point there,” Maris said.
Nico shook even worse. “I - I don't know what you're talking about.” From what I could tell, Nico sounded genuine. I heard no trace of a lie in his voice.
What was going on? I didn't understand anything at the moment. What exactly were Maris and Finbar accusing Nico of doing? It almost sounded like they thought the god was attempting to - but Nico couldn't be trying to show that kind of interest in me, not now. Egan's body hadn't even been dealt with and, before he died, he had just - I still didn't want to think about it.
“You really don't know what you're doing? Are you joking?” Finbar sneered. “Don't act all self-righteous about what I said and then turn around to try and seduce Breccan.”
What?
I stammered, “N-Nico's not trying to - to seduce me.” My cheeks burned and I stared at the ground. How could Finbar say such a thing?
Nico stood up fully, in order to face Finbar. He still shook, but I saw anger in his eyes as well. “Don't - don't accuse me of such a thing. I am not Egan.”
Maris said, “You're both gods, though. And I know gods.”
“You don't know me,” Nico hissed.
I worried Nico would lose control like he had with Egan.
“Stop fighting,” I pleaded. “Nico, don't get angry, please. Don't - let what happened with Egan happen again.”
Though he frightened me, I stood up and reached out for Nico. Much like before, I put my hand on his shoulder, ignoring the strange sensation I felt when I touched him. I looked Nico directly in the eye, silently begging him to keep control of himself.
“Nico, please,” I said as I trembled where I stood.
He whispered, “For you, Breccan, I will.”
Nico shook the worst he had yet. I thought he might collapse. He tipped forward, falling into me. I caught him in my arms, stumbling backwards a couple steps. He wrapped his own arms around me and started sobbing into my shoulder. This time, there was no way to deny that the contact caused the lightning-like sensation to flow through my body. It nearly overwhelmed me, but I held tight onto Nico, just so he wouldn't lose control and cause who knew what kind of destruction.
“Should you really do that, Nico?” Finbar asked.
He answered by continuing to sob into my shoulder. What could I do but let him? I didn't like how he made me feel, but I didn't want everyone to die because Nico couldn't keep control over himself.
“Nico needs to collect himself, and soon,” Maris muttered. “I think the Gods Council is going to come calling any second now, and they will not wait long for us. When Nico is summoned, we go, and it won't do any good if he's a sobbing mess.”
My stomach sank; I heard the truth in Maris' words. Dread suffused me, but there wasn't anything I could do but continue to hold Nico and hope the Gods Council would allow us at least a little time to prepare. The chances of that, though, were painfully small. If we were all to survive, I couldn't let the nerves, dread and worry overtake me, even though a large part of me wanted to curl into a ball and give up.
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written for 500themes #192 - "What Can You See?"