NaNo Ridiculousness Chapter 10
Hey there,
Here's Chapter 10 of "I Prefer the Mind Control." I'm trying to make actual chapters now. Enjoy the ridiculousness!
Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5(ish), Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8. Chapter 9
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“Being a person sucks right now,” I muttered.
“I'm sorry,” Xan said. “It's not like you can just temporarily stop being a person for the purpose of avoiding returning to Earth.”
“And I can't, like, become a citizen or something? How does that even work here?” Was that worth a try? Wouldn't Firi have suggested it if such a thing were possible, though?
Xan sighed. “It doesn't work quickly enough to prevent Earth's taking you back. And we've never had a human apply for citizenship, so I'm not entirely sure how such a process would actually work.”
For no particular reason, I was reminded of how people back on Earth would marry just to get citizenship, but that was all kinds of impossible in my situation. Zimarans, from the little I knew, didn't even marry like humans did. You don't have a solution, do you, dear author? Oh, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Fuck.
My partner looked at me strangely. “What are you thinking?” he asked.
“Just thinking about someone annoying I happen to know,” I mumbled.
“As long as it's not me.” He smiled so warmly, I actually sighed.
I said, “It's definitely not you. Never you.”
He hugged me to him. I tried to relax into his arms, but it was harder than usual because I couldn't stop thinking about how my home planet was being a giant douchecanoe. Wouldn't it make, like, infinitely more sense to talk to Zimara and be able to realize that I, you know, wanted to be here? If relations between the two planets were so damn rocky, wouldn't it smooth things out to have a willing human on Zimara? I guessed I didn't know anything about the interplanetary political process, because Earth didn't even seem willing to talk.
“I'm not letting you go so easily, but I just - I just don't know what we can do,” Xan muttered. “I'm open to any ideas you have.”
I didn't have any ideas that were remotely logical or plausible. While illogical and implausible ideas deserved their fare shake in this situation, I didn't have any of those, either. No, that wouldn't work. Shut up, brain.
I sighed. “I'm not exactly familiar with your legal system, you know. Not that I was a political genius on Earth, either. Unless finding politics headache-inducing counts as being a political genius because I was smart enough to stay away?”
Kind of ironic that I ended up hooking up with an actual Prince, wasn't it? I think that's the correct use of irony. I know people misuse “irony” all the time, and that's just annoying. Are you going to put dramatic irony into my story? Do you know how to use irony correctly?
Xan chuckled quietly. “Perhaps you were smart to stay away, but now we need actual knowledge.”
“Maybe we don't need to know actual political stuff? Maybe being removed is good because then I can think totally outside the box and have ridiculous ideas that are 'crazy enough to work' or something?” I asked.
“If you have any 'crazy enough to work' ideas, please, do share them.”
My cheeks burned. I wasn't sharing that, for sure.
Xan, of course, noticed I was blushing. “Dylan, you're blushing. Is talking about this making you uncomfortable?”
“You could say that,” I muttered as my cheeks burned even worse.
“Anything in particular?” he asked, looking very concerned.
Nothing I felt like sharing. “Um, just some rebellious neurons thinking up fantastically illogical and implausible solutions that wouldn't work because they're just so fucking illogical and implausible. Did I mention how illogical and implausible my idea is?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Well, I can't say how unworkable your solution is if you don't tell me about it.”
Right. Of course.
I mumbled, “Uh, it's also not exactly appropriate.”
“Excuse me? You're not making much sense right now. Please do explain.”
My cheeks burned even worse, if that were possible. He wasn't going to drop this, was he? But, ugh, how to explain my absurd solution that wouldn't even work without sounding like a total fucking clingy nutcase?
“Is everyone on Zimara a person? Like, legally?” I avoided Xan's eyes. Roundabout questions were a good way to suggest things, right?
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he looked at me oddly. “Well, actually - actually, not everyone is a 'person' in the legal sense. Just what are you getting at, Dylan?”
The words didn't fucking want to come out of me right. I avoided Xan's eyes even more and stammered, “When I, uh, - when I, uh, met your dad he - he told me about what he did with your other dad.”
I didn't have to look into Xan's eyes to sense his astonishment. “He - he told about Soulbreaking? Is that what you're talking about?”
“In an absolutely hypothetical, it's-way-too-early-for-that kind of way, yeah, that is what I'm talking about. Because if I weren't legally a person, the Important Person Retrieval Agreement wouldn't apply to me?” I was surprised my very face didn't burn off with how hot it was.
Strangely enough, Xan didn't let go of me, which I thought he might do because I was being several different kinds of totally fucking ridiculous.
He said, “Hypothetically, that might actually work. I speak only about theory, of course, but, in terms of that theory, your idea is the closest thing we've had to something useful. Hypothetically.”
“Too bad we can't come up with something useful for more than a hypothetical, huh?” I paused and dared to actually look Xan in the eye. “I, um - I like my idea. As a theory. Or for the, you know, distant future. It's - it's something I would want, like, at some point, when we had known each other longer. In the future.”
Damn fuck, his eyes burned into my maybe-soul. Right now, I couldn't fucking look away. He seemed like he were trying to read me, to figure out just how sincere I was. I tried to communicate as much sincerity as I could. Yeah, I knew how ridiculous the whole thing was. After all, I was a human, not a Zimaran, and humans didn't do that. Humans didn't want their partners to break their very souls. But, as awkward as it was to admit, I wanted that. Very much.
Xan looked almost sad. “But it's not the future now, is it?”
I sighed. “No, it's not the future. But I - I don't know if we'll get another chance, if I have to go back to Earth. I don't know what will happen if I'm returned there, if they arrest me or whatever the fuck they're thinking of doing. And I just don't want to go back and be without you at all, despite not having known you for very long. So I would rather...” My voice trailed off; I couldn't bring myself to complete my less-than-appropriate thought.
He was having none of that, though. Xan's eyes demanded an answer. “You would rather what, exactly?”
Taking a deep breath, I said, “I would rather be Soulbonded with you now than risk never being with you, ever. I don't want to be without you, not even for a short while. I want to be yours.”
“You're serious?” Xan breathed.
I nodded, trying to ignore how my blushing had gotten almost painful. There was this sense of “you shouldn't be admitting that,” but, since he asked, I couldn't exactly keep my feelings to myself. Xan's expression was unreadable, at least for me. Damn fuck, I hoped I hadn't screwed things up.
“You really are serious. That's...” He seemed at a loss for words.
A knot formed in my stomach. “That's what?”
“Remarkable,” he answered.
Uh, what did “remarkable” mean in this context? It was a little too ambiguous an answer for my tastes. That stupid knot in my stomach grew worse.
I whispered, “Remarkable? What does that mean?”
He answered by kissing me. Before he could deepen the kiss too much, he pulled away. Xan's eyes shined. Was he going to cry? Could someone please provide me with a behavioral translator?
Xan's voice was so soft, but it was intense enough to render me utterly motionless. “It means you are simply too good to be true. To find someone like you, someone so wonderful, witty, sweet and willing, someone who wants me so genuinely is...I didn't ever really think I would get so lucky. I can't lose you now, not if you're willing to give yourself to me. I want you to be mine as much as you want to be mine.”
Wait, what?
What did he just say? Did he say what what I think he said? My brain couldn't exactly process, well, anything right now. I just lied there, my mouth slightly open. Xan kept looking at me with that face, like I were the only thing in the world that mattered to him. How melodramatic, I knew. But that was what he looked like to me.
Eventually, I found my voice, or part of it. With the barest of whispers, I asked, “You are serious?”
He nodded and pulled me closer. Xan kissed me and said, “Yes, I am serious.”
I thought my brain might break into a thousand million pieces.
Xan murmured, “I love you, Dylan.”
If I thought my brain might break before, it was definitely going to break now. All neurons down for the fucking count. My voice? Fled the building, and possibly the planet. Possibly the galaxy. Considering what I was willing to do, a declaration of love shouldn't have short-circuited me, but hearing those words out loud? Damn fuck.
My brain decided to be magnanimous and reassemble itself. I whispered, “I love you, too, Xan.”
He kissed me again, this time not hesitating to press his tongue into my mouth. I squirmed as he rolled me beneath him. The pleasurable sensation soon took me over, especially when Xan began kissing down my neck. Damn, I wanted to lose myself in his touch. Too bad he stopped kissing me.
Xan said, “I would take you right now, but there are preparations to be done if I am going to Break you. So, you are sure about this? It only works on the willing, but it cannot be undone.” His bronze eyes stared me down.
Now, more than ever, I was sure. I wanted this.
I smiled. “I'm utterly sure, Xan. I want this more than anything.”
His eyes shined again, like he might truly cry over what I was willing to do with him. “Wonderful. You don't know how wonderful.” He got off of me. “I need to call Jirrin, first.”
“Jirrin?”
Xan explained, “The Soulbreaking ceremony requires a certain number of witnesses, plus objects I need to procure.” He traced a finger along the front of my neck. “At the end of it, you'll need a necklace to symbolize your new status, and I'll need an armband for myself.”
He got off of me and started making the call to Jirrin. A few moments later, Jirrin's face appeared on the vidscreen as Xan and I lied on the bed. Though I was naked, I didn't bother hiding beneath the sheet.s Jirrin held what looked like a shiny silver travel mug. More importantly, he looked fucking tired enough to fall asleep right where he was. His eyelids drooped and his violet eyes seemed far less shiny than normal. I guessed we caught him at a bad time.
“This better be good,” he mumbled.
“Oh, it is.” Xan grinned.
“What're you so damn happy for? Get on with it, I haven't slept in over a day.” Jirrin tried to glare at us, though he was really too sleepy to manage it properly.
Happiness radiated off of Xan in waves. I surely had a goofy grin on my face. Jirrin took another slow sip of whatever was in his travel mug.
Xan put an arm around me and announced, “We figured out how to keep Dylan from being taken back to Earth. I'm going to Break him. If we're Soulbonded, they can't legally invoke the Important Person Retrieval Agreement on him because he wouldn't technically be a person anymore.”
Jirrin's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He spit out the drink still in his mouth, spraying the screen with droplet of dark liquid.
“What? Are you - are you serious?” he asked. Jirrin no longer looked remotely sleepy. I guessed shocking announcements worked kind of like caffeine did.
I said, “Absolutely serious, Jirrin.”
“Seriously?” Disbelief showed all over his face, now somewhat obscured by the liquid on his vidscreen.
I nodded. “Seriously.”
“That's - that's, I don't even know,” Jirrin choked out. “Just how did Xan convince you, you being a human and all? And you're sure about this?”
At that, I laughed. “Actually, it was my idea.”
His eyes only stayed in his head by some kind of miracle. “Your idea? Yours? Your idea? You?”
“Is that so surprising?” I wondered.
He laughed, too. “Yeah, just a little. I knew you were an open-minded guy, but - wow, seriously?”
Xan said, “Seriously. So, Jirrin, will you be one of our Witnesses?”
Jirrin just stared at us for a few moments. As surprised as he was, I hoped he would accept. I had no idea how this was actually supposed to work, but I wanted it so fucking much and had figured out that we definitely needed more than just Xan and me. Please let Jirrin fucking accept. Please.
Finally, after an especially tense collection of moments, Jirrin managed, “Yes, I'll - I'll be one of your Witnesses, provided I'm not actually dreaming this.”
I suggested, “You could try pinching yourself to see if you're dreaming? Which you're not, by the way. If anyone's dreaming, it's me as this is more than a little too good to be true.”
Jirrin wiped off his screen before saying anything else. He actually took my semi-serious suggestion and pinched himself. “Ow,” he said, “I guess I really am not dreaming. So, when is the ceremony?”
That was a good question. I didn't actually know.
Xan said, “It's in a few hours, if I can get everything prepared. Can you be in the Soulbreaking Ceremony Room in, say, three hours?”
They had an entire room for it? That probably shouldn't have surprised me.
Jirrin nodded. “I - I can be there. Three hours, though? Seriously?”
“I don't want to wait.” Xan smile was just so obvious as he talked.
I didn't want to wait, either.
“Apparently not!” Jirrin said. “I guess I'm not getting any real sleep, am I?” He looked directly at me. “You are sure about this?”
I looked right back at him. My voice was full of confidence. “Absolutely.”
Jirrin's expression abruptly changed. No longer did he look surprised. Instead, a more familiar leer appeared on his features. “In that case, I better get myself ready. This will be fun. I've never gotten to be a Witness before, especially not for someone as pretty as Dylan here. See you guys soon.”
With that, the vidscreen blacked out.
And...dammit.
My stomach seized up as I remembered something that could utterly fucking obliterate my plans. No, no, just fucking no. Go away, memories, go the fucking fuck away! My breathing grew shallow to the point where I was probably fucking hyperventilating. Stupidly, I somehow expected Xan not to notice, which of course he did anyway.
“Dylan, are you alright?” he asked.
I was as alright as fucking sunshine in the desert when you had no water. That was the kind of “alright” I was.
I managed, “I'm - I'm fine,” but Xan didn't buy it.
He said, “You're not fine. You're pale as anything and I can tell you're having trouble breathing. Are you - are you having second thoughts?” I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
And I wasn't having second thoughts, not exactly. I still wanted to do this, but I realized Xan would be the one with fucking second thoughts if he knew what I were thinking. He wouldn't want me anymore, and I couldn't bear it. Dammit. Fucking dammit.
I shook my head. “I'm not.”
“Then what is the matter?” He hugged me closer, and the shame nearly ate my entire everything.
I sighed. “The matter is that I think...” I swallowed, trying to force the words to come out. “I think that - that you're not going to want me after all.”
“And why ever wouldn't I want you?” Xan voice indicated he found that idea totally baffling, but he wouldn't be so baffled after I confessed, if I could even fucking bring myself to do so. But I had to. It would be wrong to say nothing, and I had done enough wrong already. More than enough. Way more than enough.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to make my stupid fucking racing heart slow down and to make my breathing more reasonable. It only kind of worked. I felt my eyes sting. Great, was I going to start fucking crying? I didn't fucking do that, even if it would make sense in this particular situation.
You know what? This part of my past? I fucking hate you for dragging it out of me, but Xan deserved to know, so I would tell him. Even if it fucking hurts like hell to do so; I would tell him.
“Because I did wrong,” I managed. My eyes stung even worse, and I felt my whole face burn.
“Did wrong? How? What do you mean?” Xan didn't sound angry; he sounded concerned. He shouldn't have been so concerned about me.
Fucking dammit, I did not want to answer. It took all my willpower and then some to make my mouth work. Even so, my words came so very haltingly and in barely more than a whisper. I couldn't look at Xan while I talked, either, so I turned my head away from him.
Shit, how did I even being to explain this? Where did I fucking start?
“I - I. Well, I - it's about my friends. The friends I had when I was in high school,” I managed. Barely. I couldn't say more after that, though.
Xan prompted, “What about your friends?” His voice still had that undeserved concern, but there was an undertone of “you better explain yourself” as well.
I took another unhelpful deep breath. “Sandy, Leo and I - we knew each other since fifth grade. Were inseparable. Thought we would rule the world together. The usual stupid kid stuff. Even had a band in eighth grade before realizing none of us could make music for shit.”
Yeah, I was fucking stalling. Our band, Awesome People, had nothing to do with anything.
“I thought nothing could tear us apart, you know? Not even when Sandy and Leo hooked up in the tenth grade. It's like - like, I thought I might become the third wheel. But...”
My eyes stung even worse, and I could feel the fucking tears about to spill. No, I wouldn't let that happen. I continued, “But I didn't become any kind of third wheel. We were still the same team, as close as ever. Until maybe a year later when everything went to shit.”
Fucking hell, my chest hurt. I sniffed, feeling my emotions want to come bursting out of me like water through a badly-engineered dam. Right now? I felt like a badly-engineered human, a big old pile of fucking useless. Nevertheless, I went on.
I said, “A year later, during the fall of eleventh grade, they started having problems. Lots of fighting and screaming and temporary break-ups and shit like that. Your typical teenage angst bullshit, really. Even then - ” I choked backed the sobs that wanted to spill from me. “Even then I thought we would get through this and still be the same trio we always had been. But then Leo stood Sandy up on some date, and she decided to come over to my house, while my parents were away, with a bottle of vodka.”
Then, I fell quiet. Why wasn't Xan saying anything? Could he tell what was coming? Did he already think me hopelessly broken and despicable? Why did he still have his arms around me? I didn't deserve his closeness.
“Go on,” he urged.
So I did. “As fucking stupid as I knew it was. I - I decided to go along with it and get drunk with her. Sandy kept rambling on about how much nicer I was than Leo. Honestly? It kind of made me feel good. See, I - I had a bit of a thing for her that I only realized when she started dating Leo. Some fucking genius I was. So I let her ramble and worse I let her cuddle up to me like we were together.”
Fuck, my chest hurt. I could barely get the words out, but I needed to go on. I owed that much to Xan.
“I - when she kissed me, I let her do that, too. I kissed her back, harder than I even meant to. It - it didn't stop at just one kiss. That? The three of us might have survived. What happened next, though? The beginning of the end.”
And it was all my fault, really. I shouldn't have let her into my house that night, and I shouldn't have gotten fucking drunk with her.
I said, “We - we started making out something serious, and I - I encouraged it.”
Fucking why did I do that? Because I sucked, that was why.
“I wanted Sandy so bad and just didn't think because I was an asshole. Half-expecting her to say no, I suggested we 'go upstairs.' I expect you know what that means, huh?”
I didn't wait for Xan to answer. I went on, though my words came at barely a whisper. It wasn't like speaking quietly would erase the fucking shame. “To my surprise, Sandy said she wanted to and - and she said she hadn't even done it with Leo yet. I thought she had. So, we slept together. The first time - for both of us.”
After a long, horrible, soul-eating pause, I continued despite the self-loathing that wanted to destroy me. The terrible fucking story wasn't over yet. “And so - and so, there was the morning after. I couldn't even look Sandy in the eye as she left my house. Didn't even fucking say goodbye, that's how much of a little shit I was.”
Goddammit, I thought I could pretend I didn't suck, but that wasn't possible, was it? No, it fucking wasn't.
I said, “I couldn't look myself in the eye, either. I couldn't deal with my own thoughts, even. Being the little shit I was, I was too weak to stand my own mind. So I - I went to my parents' medicine cabinet and swallowed every last one of my dad's sleeping pills.”
Even my fucking suicide attempt was pathetic. Underneath it all, I knew there weren't enough damn pills to kill me properly.
“When I woke up, I was in the hospital. And that - that wasn't the fucking end of it, either. While I was unconscious, Leo - he - he died in a car crash. Before Sandy or I even told him. Was in the psych ward during his funeral, too. Never spoke to Sandy again. She tried to talk to me, too. I wouldn't let her visit me. We drifted apart. And that's - that's why I can't Soulbond with you. I'm - I'm fucking corrupted.”
Finally, the shame and guilt were too much. The sobs I had been holding back poured out of me, wracking my body. Everything I had wanted was slipping away from me. I thought I could finally be happy for real, but the illusion fucking shattered. Now Xan knew how I was, and I couldn't just fucking erase that. Tears spilled from my eyes. I let everything out; there was no point in holding back.
Why wasn't Xan letting go of me? He still held me in his arms. I didn't fucking get it.
“You're not corrupted,” he whispered.
Wait, what?
He said, “You made a mistake. We all do, especially when we're young like you were. I still want you.”
What? I could not have fucking heard right.
“Excuse me?” I sniffed.
“Your past isn't a reason to reject you. I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me, though. If you still feel ready, we can Soulbond. I - you don't deserve to have so much hurt in your heart. Also, having an attraction to someone already partnered? That's not such a problem on Zimara. And with the Soulbreaking? Don't worry; I'll be able to trust you.”
I couldn't believe it. “You're - you're serious?”
“I am.”
While I managed to stop sobbing, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, or even to really believe him. Xan wouldn't let that continue, though. He grasped my chin in his hand and turned my face towards his.
“Look at me,” he said.
I mumbled. “I kind of can't help looking at you when you're holding me like that.”
That earned me a small smile. “Well, yes, but there really isn't any reason to avoid my eyes, you know.”
“A tragic and humiliating past complete with embarrassing emotional breakdown during the reveal is a perfectly good reason to avoid eye contact,” I told him.
Xan disagreed. “Your past may be troubled, but it's hardly humiliating. And, no, you don't get to argue that it is.”
Dammit, it was like he read my mind or something. How did he know I was going to argue with him?
His eyes practically glowed in their intensity. “Seriously, you aren't allowed to argue. I can tell you're about to.”
“But - ” Wasn't I allowed at least some arguing?
“But nothing. No arguing.”
“That's not fair!” I said.
Xan replied, “So be it. Now, I need to make some more calls if we are, indeed, going to do this. Do you still want to?” He looked so fucking serious. His eyes shined, like he wanted this more than anything, like he hoped I wasn't going to fucking back out of it after my awkward confession. Also, he hadn't let go of me. Kind of like he were afraid I might run away or something. I wasn't going to fucking run away. Oh, hell no.
“I want to do this,” I said, feeling more sure than I ever had.
He kissed me with such passion my heart stopped for a moment. It wasn't a long kiss, though. Xan broke it off quickly in order to make another call. My whole body shook in nervousness and anticipation. Damn fuck, I hoped this worked.
Here's Chapter 10 of "I Prefer the Mind Control." I'm trying to make actual chapters now. Enjoy the ridiculousness!
Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Day 5(ish), Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8. Chapter 9
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“Being a person sucks right now,” I muttered.
“I'm sorry,” Xan said. “It's not like you can just temporarily stop being a person for the purpose of avoiding returning to Earth.”
“And I can't, like, become a citizen or something? How does that even work here?” Was that worth a try? Wouldn't Firi have suggested it if such a thing were possible, though?
Xan sighed. “It doesn't work quickly enough to prevent Earth's taking you back. And we've never had a human apply for citizenship, so I'm not entirely sure how such a process would actually work.”
For no particular reason, I was reminded of how people back on Earth would marry just to get citizenship, but that was all kinds of impossible in my situation. Zimarans, from the little I knew, didn't even marry like humans did. You don't have a solution, do you, dear author? Oh, that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Fuck.
My partner looked at me strangely. “What are you thinking?” he asked.
“Just thinking about someone annoying I happen to know,” I mumbled.
“As long as it's not me.” He smiled so warmly, I actually sighed.
I said, “It's definitely not you. Never you.”
He hugged me to him. I tried to relax into his arms, but it was harder than usual because I couldn't stop thinking about how my home planet was being a giant douchecanoe. Wouldn't it make, like, infinitely more sense to talk to Zimara and be able to realize that I, you know, wanted to be here? If relations between the two planets were so damn rocky, wouldn't it smooth things out to have a willing human on Zimara? I guessed I didn't know anything about the interplanetary political process, because Earth didn't even seem willing to talk.
“I'm not letting you go so easily, but I just - I just don't know what we can do,” Xan muttered. “I'm open to any ideas you have.”
I didn't have any ideas that were remotely logical or plausible. While illogical and implausible ideas deserved their fare shake in this situation, I didn't have any of those, either. No, that wouldn't work. Shut up, brain.
I sighed. “I'm not exactly familiar with your legal system, you know. Not that I was a political genius on Earth, either. Unless finding politics headache-inducing counts as being a political genius because I was smart enough to stay away?”
Kind of ironic that I ended up hooking up with an actual Prince, wasn't it? I think that's the correct use of irony. I know people misuse “irony” all the time, and that's just annoying. Are you going to put dramatic irony into my story? Do you know how to use irony correctly?
Xan chuckled quietly. “Perhaps you were smart to stay away, but now we need actual knowledge.”
“Maybe we don't need to know actual political stuff? Maybe being removed is good because then I can think totally outside the box and have ridiculous ideas that are 'crazy enough to work' or something?” I asked.
“If you have any 'crazy enough to work' ideas, please, do share them.”
My cheeks burned. I wasn't sharing that, for sure.
Xan, of course, noticed I was blushing. “Dylan, you're blushing. Is talking about this making you uncomfortable?”
“You could say that,” I muttered as my cheeks burned even worse.
“Anything in particular?” he asked, looking very concerned.
Nothing I felt like sharing. “Um, just some rebellious neurons thinking up fantastically illogical and implausible solutions that wouldn't work because they're just so fucking illogical and implausible. Did I mention how illogical and implausible my idea is?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Well, I can't say how unworkable your solution is if you don't tell me about it.”
Right. Of course.
I mumbled, “Uh, it's also not exactly appropriate.”
“Excuse me? You're not making much sense right now. Please do explain.”
My cheeks burned even worse, if that were possible. He wasn't going to drop this, was he? But, ugh, how to explain my absurd solution that wouldn't even work without sounding like a total fucking clingy nutcase?
“Is everyone on Zimara a person? Like, legally?” I avoided Xan's eyes. Roundabout questions were a good way to suggest things, right?
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see he looked at me oddly. “Well, actually - actually, not everyone is a 'person' in the legal sense. Just what are you getting at, Dylan?”
The words didn't fucking want to come out of me right. I avoided Xan's eyes even more and stammered, “When I, uh, - when I, uh, met your dad he - he told me about what he did with your other dad.”
I didn't have to look into Xan's eyes to sense his astonishment. “He - he told about Soulbreaking? Is that what you're talking about?”
“In an absolutely hypothetical, it's-way-too-early-for-that kind of way, yeah, that is what I'm talking about. Because if I weren't legally a person, the Important Person Retrieval Agreement wouldn't apply to me?” I was surprised my very face didn't burn off with how hot it was.
Strangely enough, Xan didn't let go of me, which I thought he might do because I was being several different kinds of totally fucking ridiculous.
He said, “Hypothetically, that might actually work. I speak only about theory, of course, but, in terms of that theory, your idea is the closest thing we've had to something useful. Hypothetically.”
“Too bad we can't come up with something useful for more than a hypothetical, huh?” I paused and dared to actually look Xan in the eye. “I, um - I like my idea. As a theory. Or for the, you know, distant future. It's - it's something I would want, like, at some point, when we had known each other longer. In the future.”
Damn fuck, his eyes burned into my maybe-soul. Right now, I couldn't fucking look away. He seemed like he were trying to read me, to figure out just how sincere I was. I tried to communicate as much sincerity as I could. Yeah, I knew how ridiculous the whole thing was. After all, I was a human, not a Zimaran, and humans didn't do that. Humans didn't want their partners to break their very souls. But, as awkward as it was to admit, I wanted that. Very much.
Xan looked almost sad. “But it's not the future now, is it?”
I sighed. “No, it's not the future. But I - I don't know if we'll get another chance, if I have to go back to Earth. I don't know what will happen if I'm returned there, if they arrest me or whatever the fuck they're thinking of doing. And I just don't want to go back and be without you at all, despite not having known you for very long. So I would rather...” My voice trailed off; I couldn't bring myself to complete my less-than-appropriate thought.
He was having none of that, though. Xan's eyes demanded an answer. “You would rather what, exactly?”
Taking a deep breath, I said, “I would rather be Soulbonded with you now than risk never being with you, ever. I don't want to be without you, not even for a short while. I want to be yours.”
“You're serious?” Xan breathed.
I nodded, trying to ignore how my blushing had gotten almost painful. There was this sense of “you shouldn't be admitting that,” but, since he asked, I couldn't exactly keep my feelings to myself. Xan's expression was unreadable, at least for me. Damn fuck, I hoped I hadn't screwed things up.
“You really are serious. That's...” He seemed at a loss for words.
A knot formed in my stomach. “That's what?”
“Remarkable,” he answered.
Uh, what did “remarkable” mean in this context? It was a little too ambiguous an answer for my tastes. That stupid knot in my stomach grew worse.
I whispered, “Remarkable? What does that mean?”
He answered by kissing me. Before he could deepen the kiss too much, he pulled away. Xan's eyes shined. Was he going to cry? Could someone please provide me with a behavioral translator?
Xan's voice was so soft, but it was intense enough to render me utterly motionless. “It means you are simply too good to be true. To find someone like you, someone so wonderful, witty, sweet and willing, someone who wants me so genuinely is...I didn't ever really think I would get so lucky. I can't lose you now, not if you're willing to give yourself to me. I want you to be mine as much as you want to be mine.”
Wait, what?
What did he just say? Did he say what what I think he said? My brain couldn't exactly process, well, anything right now. I just lied there, my mouth slightly open. Xan kept looking at me with that face, like I were the only thing in the world that mattered to him. How melodramatic, I knew. But that was what he looked like to me.
Eventually, I found my voice, or part of it. With the barest of whispers, I asked, “You are serious?”
He nodded and pulled me closer. Xan kissed me and said, “Yes, I am serious.”
I thought my brain might break into a thousand million pieces.
Xan murmured, “I love you, Dylan.”
If I thought my brain might break before, it was definitely going to break now. All neurons down for the fucking count. My voice? Fled the building, and possibly the planet. Possibly the galaxy. Considering what I was willing to do, a declaration of love shouldn't have short-circuited me, but hearing those words out loud? Damn fuck.
My brain decided to be magnanimous and reassemble itself. I whispered, “I love you, too, Xan.”
He kissed me again, this time not hesitating to press his tongue into my mouth. I squirmed as he rolled me beneath him. The pleasurable sensation soon took me over, especially when Xan began kissing down my neck. Damn, I wanted to lose myself in his touch. Too bad he stopped kissing me.
Xan said, “I would take you right now, but there are preparations to be done if I am going to Break you. So, you are sure about this? It only works on the willing, but it cannot be undone.” His bronze eyes stared me down.
Now, more than ever, I was sure. I wanted this.
I smiled. “I'm utterly sure, Xan. I want this more than anything.”
His eyes shined again, like he might truly cry over what I was willing to do with him. “Wonderful. You don't know how wonderful.” He got off of me. “I need to call Jirrin, first.”
“Jirrin?”
Xan explained, “The Soulbreaking ceremony requires a certain number of witnesses, plus objects I need to procure.” He traced a finger along the front of my neck. “At the end of it, you'll need a necklace to symbolize your new status, and I'll need an armband for myself.”
He got off of me and started making the call to Jirrin. A few moments later, Jirrin's face appeared on the vidscreen as Xan and I lied on the bed. Though I was naked, I didn't bother hiding beneath the sheet.s Jirrin held what looked like a shiny silver travel mug. More importantly, he looked fucking tired enough to fall asleep right where he was. His eyelids drooped and his violet eyes seemed far less shiny than normal. I guessed we caught him at a bad time.
“This better be good,” he mumbled.
“Oh, it is.” Xan grinned.
“What're you so damn happy for? Get on with it, I haven't slept in over a day.” Jirrin tried to glare at us, though he was really too sleepy to manage it properly.
Happiness radiated off of Xan in waves. I surely had a goofy grin on my face. Jirrin took another slow sip of whatever was in his travel mug.
Xan put an arm around me and announced, “We figured out how to keep Dylan from being taken back to Earth. I'm going to Break him. If we're Soulbonded, they can't legally invoke the Important Person Retrieval Agreement on him because he wouldn't technically be a person anymore.”
Jirrin's eyes nearly popped out of his head. He spit out the drink still in his mouth, spraying the screen with droplet of dark liquid.
“What? Are you - are you serious?” he asked. Jirrin no longer looked remotely sleepy. I guessed shocking announcements worked kind of like caffeine did.
I said, “Absolutely serious, Jirrin.”
“Seriously?” Disbelief showed all over his face, now somewhat obscured by the liquid on his vidscreen.
I nodded. “Seriously.”
“That's - that's, I don't even know,” Jirrin choked out. “Just how did Xan convince you, you being a human and all? And you're sure about this?”
At that, I laughed. “Actually, it was my idea.”
His eyes only stayed in his head by some kind of miracle. “Your idea? Yours? Your idea? You?”
“Is that so surprising?” I wondered.
He laughed, too. “Yeah, just a little. I knew you were an open-minded guy, but - wow, seriously?”
Xan said, “Seriously. So, Jirrin, will you be one of our Witnesses?”
Jirrin just stared at us for a few moments. As surprised as he was, I hoped he would accept. I had no idea how this was actually supposed to work, but I wanted it so fucking much and had figured out that we definitely needed more than just Xan and me. Please let Jirrin fucking accept. Please.
Finally, after an especially tense collection of moments, Jirrin managed, “Yes, I'll - I'll be one of your Witnesses, provided I'm not actually dreaming this.”
I suggested, “You could try pinching yourself to see if you're dreaming? Which you're not, by the way. If anyone's dreaming, it's me as this is more than a little too good to be true.”
Jirrin wiped off his screen before saying anything else. He actually took my semi-serious suggestion and pinched himself. “Ow,” he said, “I guess I really am not dreaming. So, when is the ceremony?”
That was a good question. I didn't actually know.
Xan said, “It's in a few hours, if I can get everything prepared. Can you be in the Soulbreaking Ceremony Room in, say, three hours?”
They had an entire room for it? That probably shouldn't have surprised me.
Jirrin nodded. “I - I can be there. Three hours, though? Seriously?”
“I don't want to wait.” Xan smile was just so obvious as he talked.
I didn't want to wait, either.
“Apparently not!” Jirrin said. “I guess I'm not getting any real sleep, am I?” He looked directly at me. “You are sure about this?”
I looked right back at him. My voice was full of confidence. “Absolutely.”
Jirrin's expression abruptly changed. No longer did he look surprised. Instead, a more familiar leer appeared on his features. “In that case, I better get myself ready. This will be fun. I've never gotten to be a Witness before, especially not for someone as pretty as Dylan here. See you guys soon.”
With that, the vidscreen blacked out.
And...dammit.
My stomach seized up as I remembered something that could utterly fucking obliterate my plans. No, no, just fucking no. Go away, memories, go the fucking fuck away! My breathing grew shallow to the point where I was probably fucking hyperventilating. Stupidly, I somehow expected Xan not to notice, which of course he did anyway.
“Dylan, are you alright?” he asked.
I was as alright as fucking sunshine in the desert when you had no water. That was the kind of “alright” I was.
I managed, “I'm - I'm fine,” but Xan didn't buy it.
He said, “You're not fine. You're pale as anything and I can tell you're having trouble breathing. Are you - are you having second thoughts?” I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
And I wasn't having second thoughts, not exactly. I still wanted to do this, but I realized Xan would be the one with fucking second thoughts if he knew what I were thinking. He wouldn't want me anymore, and I couldn't bear it. Dammit. Fucking dammit.
I shook my head. “I'm not.”
“Then what is the matter?” He hugged me closer, and the shame nearly ate my entire everything.
I sighed. “The matter is that I think...” I swallowed, trying to force the words to come out. “I think that - that you're not going to want me after all.”
“And why ever wouldn't I want you?” Xan voice indicated he found that idea totally baffling, but he wouldn't be so baffled after I confessed, if I could even fucking bring myself to do so. But I had to. It would be wrong to say nothing, and I had done enough wrong already. More than enough. Way more than enough.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to make my stupid fucking racing heart slow down and to make my breathing more reasonable. It only kind of worked. I felt my eyes sting. Great, was I going to start fucking crying? I didn't fucking do that, even if it would make sense in this particular situation.
You know what? This part of my past? I fucking hate you for dragging it out of me, but Xan deserved to know, so I would tell him. Even if it fucking hurts like hell to do so; I would tell him.
“Because I did wrong,” I managed. My eyes stung even worse, and I felt my whole face burn.
“Did wrong? How? What do you mean?” Xan didn't sound angry; he sounded concerned. He shouldn't have been so concerned about me.
Fucking dammit, I did not want to answer. It took all my willpower and then some to make my mouth work. Even so, my words came so very haltingly and in barely more than a whisper. I couldn't look at Xan while I talked, either, so I turned my head away from him.
Shit, how did I even being to explain this? Where did I fucking start?
“I - I. Well, I - it's about my friends. The friends I had when I was in high school,” I managed. Barely. I couldn't say more after that, though.
Xan prompted, “What about your friends?” His voice still had that undeserved concern, but there was an undertone of “you better explain yourself” as well.
I took another unhelpful deep breath. “Sandy, Leo and I - we knew each other since fifth grade. Were inseparable. Thought we would rule the world together. The usual stupid kid stuff. Even had a band in eighth grade before realizing none of us could make music for shit.”
Yeah, I was fucking stalling. Our band, Awesome People, had nothing to do with anything.
“I thought nothing could tear us apart, you know? Not even when Sandy and Leo hooked up in the tenth grade. It's like - like, I thought I might become the third wheel. But...”
My eyes stung even worse, and I could feel the fucking tears about to spill. No, I wouldn't let that happen. I continued, “But I didn't become any kind of third wheel. We were still the same team, as close as ever. Until maybe a year later when everything went to shit.”
Fucking hell, my chest hurt. I sniffed, feeling my emotions want to come bursting out of me like water through a badly-engineered dam. Right now? I felt like a badly-engineered human, a big old pile of fucking useless. Nevertheless, I went on.
I said, “A year later, during the fall of eleventh grade, they started having problems. Lots of fighting and screaming and temporary break-ups and shit like that. Your typical teenage angst bullshit, really. Even then - ” I choked backed the sobs that wanted to spill from me. “Even then I thought we would get through this and still be the same trio we always had been. But then Leo stood Sandy up on some date, and she decided to come over to my house, while my parents were away, with a bottle of vodka.”
Then, I fell quiet. Why wasn't Xan saying anything? Could he tell what was coming? Did he already think me hopelessly broken and despicable? Why did he still have his arms around me? I didn't deserve his closeness.
“Go on,” he urged.
So I did. “As fucking stupid as I knew it was. I - I decided to go along with it and get drunk with her. Sandy kept rambling on about how much nicer I was than Leo. Honestly? It kind of made me feel good. See, I - I had a bit of a thing for her that I only realized when she started dating Leo. Some fucking genius I was. So I let her ramble and worse I let her cuddle up to me like we were together.”
Fuck, my chest hurt. I could barely get the words out, but I needed to go on. I owed that much to Xan.
“I - when she kissed me, I let her do that, too. I kissed her back, harder than I even meant to. It - it didn't stop at just one kiss. That? The three of us might have survived. What happened next, though? The beginning of the end.”
And it was all my fault, really. I shouldn't have let her into my house that night, and I shouldn't have gotten fucking drunk with her.
I said, “We - we started making out something serious, and I - I encouraged it.”
Fucking why did I do that? Because I sucked, that was why.
“I wanted Sandy so bad and just didn't think because I was an asshole. Half-expecting her to say no, I suggested we 'go upstairs.' I expect you know what that means, huh?”
I didn't wait for Xan to answer. I went on, though my words came at barely a whisper. It wasn't like speaking quietly would erase the fucking shame. “To my surprise, Sandy said she wanted to and - and she said she hadn't even done it with Leo yet. I thought she had. So, we slept together. The first time - for both of us.”
After a long, horrible, soul-eating pause, I continued despite the self-loathing that wanted to destroy me. The terrible fucking story wasn't over yet. “And so - and so, there was the morning after. I couldn't even look Sandy in the eye as she left my house. Didn't even fucking say goodbye, that's how much of a little shit I was.”
Goddammit, I thought I could pretend I didn't suck, but that wasn't possible, was it? No, it fucking wasn't.
I said, “I couldn't look myself in the eye, either. I couldn't deal with my own thoughts, even. Being the little shit I was, I was too weak to stand my own mind. So I - I went to my parents' medicine cabinet and swallowed every last one of my dad's sleeping pills.”
Even my fucking suicide attempt was pathetic. Underneath it all, I knew there weren't enough damn pills to kill me properly.
“When I woke up, I was in the hospital. And that - that wasn't the fucking end of it, either. While I was unconscious, Leo - he - he died in a car crash. Before Sandy or I even told him. Was in the psych ward during his funeral, too. Never spoke to Sandy again. She tried to talk to me, too. I wouldn't let her visit me. We drifted apart. And that's - that's why I can't Soulbond with you. I'm - I'm fucking corrupted.”
Finally, the shame and guilt were too much. The sobs I had been holding back poured out of me, wracking my body. Everything I had wanted was slipping away from me. I thought I could finally be happy for real, but the illusion fucking shattered. Now Xan knew how I was, and I couldn't just fucking erase that. Tears spilled from my eyes. I let everything out; there was no point in holding back.
Why wasn't Xan letting go of me? He still held me in his arms. I didn't fucking get it.
“You're not corrupted,” he whispered.
Wait, what?
He said, “You made a mistake. We all do, especially when we're young like you were. I still want you.”
What? I could not have fucking heard right.
“Excuse me?” I sniffed.
“Your past isn't a reason to reject you. I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me, though. If you still feel ready, we can Soulbond. I - you don't deserve to have so much hurt in your heart. Also, having an attraction to someone already partnered? That's not such a problem on Zimara. And with the Soulbreaking? Don't worry; I'll be able to trust you.”
I couldn't believe it. “You're - you're serious?”
“I am.”
While I managed to stop sobbing, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, or even to really believe him. Xan wouldn't let that continue, though. He grasped my chin in his hand and turned my face towards his.
“Look at me,” he said.
I mumbled. “I kind of can't help looking at you when you're holding me like that.”
That earned me a small smile. “Well, yes, but there really isn't any reason to avoid my eyes, you know.”
“A tragic and humiliating past complete with embarrassing emotional breakdown during the reveal is a perfectly good reason to avoid eye contact,” I told him.
Xan disagreed. “Your past may be troubled, but it's hardly humiliating. And, no, you don't get to argue that it is.”
Dammit, it was like he read my mind or something. How did he know I was going to argue with him?
His eyes practically glowed in their intensity. “Seriously, you aren't allowed to argue. I can tell you're about to.”
“But - ” Wasn't I allowed at least some arguing?
“But nothing. No arguing.”
“That's not fair!” I said.
Xan replied, “So be it. Now, I need to make some more calls if we are, indeed, going to do this. Do you still want to?” He looked so fucking serious. His eyes shined, like he wanted this more than anything, like he hoped I wasn't going to fucking back out of it after my awkward confession. Also, he hadn't let go of me. Kind of like he were afraid I might run away or something. I wasn't going to fucking run away. Oh, hell no.
“I want to do this,” I said, feeling more sure than I ever had.
He kissed me with such passion my heart stopped for a moment. It wasn't a long kiss, though. Xan broke it off quickly in order to make another call. My whole body shook in nervousness and anticipation. Damn fuck, I hoped this worked.