Supernatural RPS fic: Light My Fire (Jensen/Jared) 2/3
Title: Light My Fire
Author: agt_spooky
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,580 (this part) / 19,700 (total for three parts)
Genre: Firefighter AU, Angst, First-time
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: It’s RPS, people. It never happened, but I wish it would. :-)
Author’s Notes: Many thanks, as always, to my fabulous beta, charityflint, who always makes my stories better. :-)
Summary: In New York, two men meet under unusual circumstances, and find themselves falling for each other. But when Jensen Ackles learns who Jared Padalecki really is, it all comes crashing down. Can Jared convince Jensen to open up his heart and take a chance on love again, despite who Jared is?
(banner created by agt_spooky)
Author's Notes 2: This story was born out of my love for the shows Emergency! and Third Watch and any references to them are entirely intentional. :-)
FROM PART ONE:
“So hey, can I call you tomorrow night?” Jared asked tentatively.
Jensen smiled into the phone. “Yeah, I’d like that. ‘Night, Jared.”
“Awesome. ‘Night, Jensen.”
As Jensen hung up the phone he felt something loosen inside his chest, like the door to his heart had opened once again.
PART TWO
Monday morning dawned bright and hot and Jensen was trying to eat a piece of toast, stuff his books and civilian clothes into his bag and get dressed at the same time. He swallowed down the last of the bread, wiped a blob of grape jelly off one of his textbooks and turned to his closet to get dressed.
He smiled as he pulled out his black shoes, navy blue slacks and then his shirt - his navy blue polo with J.ACKLES embroidered in white on the right breast, and the FDNY crest embroidered in white on the left breast, with STATION 127 in the middle of the crest.
He dressed quickly in his uniform, pausing to run a hand through his hair and check his collar in the mirror, then he was sweeping his duffle bag from his bed and heading out the door.
It was a five block walk from his apartment to the station house and Jensen covered the distance quickly. As he turned the corner onto King Boulevard, he couldn’t suppress another smile as he saw the red and white engine pulled halfway out of the bay, gleaming in the sunshine.
Being a fireman in New York these past five years was everything Jensen could’ve asked for. As corny as it sounded, he’d known since childhood he wanted to grow up to be a fireman, and he’d made his dream come true.
The job certainly wasn’t without its risks, and Jensen knew that all too well, but the feeling he got when he pulled someone out of a burning building was something that touched him deep inside. The pay sucked, but when someone who they’d saved stopped by the station to thank them - that was worth more than money.
As he walked up to the station he greeted dark-haired, 32 year-old Kyle Everett, their engineer, and blond, 28 year-old Toby Sanders, who rode the ladder truck, with a smile and a wave as the two men polished the rig. They called out a hello as Jensen walked in the open door of Bay Three and into the apparatus room, past the back end of the engine. Daniel Hoffmann and Shawn Larson were there, mopping the floor, and they looked up as Jensen started to walk past them.
“Ackles!” Daniel called out. “Truck versus engine on the court at 1:30!”
Jensen laughed. There was a standing rivalry in the station - those who rode the engine and those who rode the ladder truck - and the basketball half-court in the rear of the station was their battlefield.
“You’re goin’ down, Danny-boy!” Jensen taunted the 30 year-old sandy-haired man.
“In your dreams, Jenny!” 25 year-old Shawn called back and Jensen gave the red-head a playful one-finger salute in response as he continued past the engine and the truck, parked in Bay Two.
Bay One held the station’s ambulance, more commonly referred to as “the bus,” and 31 year-old Alix Jones, their lone paramedic at the moment, was sitting in the back with the doors open, a clipboard in her hand. Alix’s partner had transferred to another station a week ago and other medics from different shifts had been picking up overtime, riding with Alix until they got a new paramedic, which was supposed to be any day now.
“Yo, Alix!” Jensen greeted her, stopping to playfully smack at her clipboard.
Alix whacked him on the arm, then smiled. “Heya, Jen. How’s things?”
“Not too bad, Alix. How ‘bout you?”
She shrugged. “Can’t complain. Oh, Tommy’s looking for you. He’s upstairs in the kitchen.”
“Great, thanks,” he answered, turning to go.
“Don’t forget to look at the duty roster,” she smirked, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear, and Jensen groaned. That could only mean one thing. He had latrine duty. Yep, it was definitely a Monday.
Station 127 was three stories tall - the apparatus room on the ground floor, the common room, the kitchen and the Captain’s office on the second floor, and the dorms, the locker rooms and bathrooms on the third floor. And the station was old enough to have an honest to god fire pole running from top to bottom. Which Jensen used as often as possible, his inner child getting a thrill each time he slid down.
Jensen made his way up the stairs to the second floor, catching sight of their boss, Captain Jeff Morgan, on the phone in his office as he stopped to look at the duty roster on the bulletin board. Yep, latrine duty. Great.
He strode into the kitchen next, spying his best friend, Tom Welling, standing in front of the refrigerator, making a list for their grocery run later that day. He stepped up behind his taller, dark haired friend and smacked a hand on his back.
“Hey man!” he greeted Tom with a smile.
Tom turned, blinking at Jensen’s sunny attitude. “Hey to you, too. What’s got you in such a good mood on a Monday?”
Jensen shrugged. “Just had a good weekend.”
Tom’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You did? I thought with Saturday being…” he trailed off.
“Actually, it turned out to be okay.”
“I’m glad, man. I was worried about you, wishing you’d have taken me and Jamie up on our offer to spend the evening with us. Didn’t want you to be alone.”
“Thanks again for that, Tommy. I appreciated the offer. But…I ended up not being alone after all.”
Tom’s eyebrows rose at Jensen’s small smile. “Oh? Something you wanna tell me, buddy?” he grinned.
Jensen shook his head. “Not right now,” he replied, then paused. “Actually, there is something I wanna say. Switch duties with me today, Tommy?”
Tom crossed his arms in front of his chest, an amused expression on his face. “Gosh, let me guess - bathroom? Nuh-uh, sorry, Jen. I switched with you twice in the last five shifts.” He clapped Jensen on the shoulder. “There’s a mop upstairs with your name on it. Have fun!”
With a chuckle he turned back to the fridge as Jensen groaned theatrically and hung his head before leaving the kitchen to go upstairs.
~~~~~
An hour later Jensen was back in the now-empty kitchen, taking a break after cleaning the showers and the sinks, rummaging in the fridge for a soda before heading back upstairs to mop the floors.
He’d only taken a few swallows of the cold drink when he heard a burst of loud laughter from several voices drift up from downstairs. When it happened again a moment later, Jensen’s curiosity got the better of him and he stepped into the hallway, grabbed the gold fire pole and slid down….
…and felt his world tilt so violently at what he saw downstairs he had to reach out and grab the pole to keep from falling.
There, standing among his entire crew, laughing and smiling, was Jared. Dressed in an FDNY blue paramedics uniform.
Jensen’s heart dropped into his stomach and settled there like a lead weight, his mind still trying to process what he was seeing, even as his chest clenched up. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening…
He stood there, frozen, until Captain Morgan’s head turned just enough that he spied Jensen out of the corner of his eye and waved to him.
“Jen! Come over here and meet our new paramedic,” Jeff called out, and Jensen had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other, until he was face to face with the man he’d had sex with just yesterday.
He’d seen Jared’s eyes widen the moment he caught sight of Jensen, clearly shocked to see him, then his face broke out in a huge smile and he stuck out his hand.
“Jared Padalecki. Nice to meet you.”
Keeping up appearances, Jensen returned the handshake, mumbling, “Jensen Ackles.”
“Jen, do me a favor and give Jared the tour, will you?” Jeff said. “I’ve got a mound of paperwork to get to.”
“Haven’t finished the bathroom yet, Cap,” Jensen replied, trying to get out of the request.
“It’s not going anywhere,” Jeff smiled. “Go on, show him around.” Then he turned to the rest of the crew and clapped his hands together. “Ok, people, back to work!”
The little group broke up, with handshakes and pats on the back to Jared as everyone went back to what they’d been doing, leaving Jensen and Jared alone. They simply stared at one another for several heartbeats before Jensen broke eye contact, mumbling, “C’mon,” before walking further into the station.
In a flat, monotone voice, mind still whirling, Jensen showed Jared the apparatus room, pointing out various things and then took him into the equipment room, where he took a minute to look Jared up and down.
There was no denying that Jared looked incredible in his uniform. The navy blue pants and short-sleeved, button down shirt fit him perfectly, the overall effect making him look even taller, if that was possible. His silver EMS pins gleamed on his collar, and the patches on his sleeves, one the FDNY crest and the other the Paramedic’s crest, stood out in stark relief against the blue fabric. As did the J. PADALECKI embroidered on the right breast.
Jensen shook his head slightly, bringing himself back from his thoughts, to see Jared staring at him with an amused expression on his face.
“Alix will have to get you your turnout gear,” Jensen said gruffly, hooking a thumb to the right side of the equipment room. While the firemen wore black helmets and black turnout gear with yellow reflective tape, the paramedics wore blue gear with white reflective tape and red helmets.
“Okay, sure,” Jared replied, his amusement still showing and Jensen felt sick to his stomach as he turned and led the way upstairs.
“This is the common room,” he said, voice still flat, arm sweeping out in front of him to encompass the TV set, couches, foosball table and air hockey table.
“Nice,” Jared said, nodding his head. “Better than San Antonio, that’s for sure.”
“Kitchen’s that way.” Jensen indicated, pointing across the hall. “And that’s the Captain’s office. Duty roster and drill schedule is posted on the bulletin board next to his office.”
Jared nodded again and fell in behind Jensen as they went up to the third floor.
“Here’s the bathroom and locker room. Just pick any empty locker. And here’s the dorm.”
The two men walked inside the fairly large room that held twelve beds in an open-style dorm. The station was too old to have the modern, individual cubicles with curtains, just an open room with short half walls that separated every two beds.
Jensen led Jared over to an empty one, which of course, since the universe hated him, was right next to his own.
“This’ll be yours,” he told Jared, voice tight, wanting nothing more than to be away from this man, needing to be by himself.
Why? Why was this happening to him? Just when he thought he could start to move ahead with his life again, finally meeting someone he felt he could have a relationship with…and it all came crashing down with the appearance of a blue uniform. What had he done so fucking wrong in his life to deserve this torture not once, but twice now? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair.
Jared was smiling at him, shaking his head. “God, Jensen, I can’t believe this. We never even talked about our jobs.” He took a step toward Jensen, reaching out to touch him. “What are the chances - “
Jared cut himself off, confusion evident on his face as Jensen took a step back, shaking his head.
“This weekend was a mistake,” Jensen stated, voice hard, masking his inner turmoil. “It was just sex and it’ll never happen again. There’s never going to be anything between us.”
His stomach twisting in knots at his lie, Jensen abruptly turned on his heel and left the room, but not before seeing the shock and hurt cross Jared’s face.
~~~~~
For the remainder of the morning and into the afternoon, Jensen made sure he wasn’t by himself, not giving Jared an opportunity to confront him. He either stayed in the common room with a couple of the guys, his head buried in one of his textbooks, or busied himself with his station duties and even went on the grocery run with Tom. Luckily for him, Jared was kept occupied by Alix, going over the bus, procedures, etc. but whenever they were in the same room together, Jensen felt Jared’s eyes burning into him.
They got a run in the early evening, right after dinner - traffic accident a few blocks away. Only the engine and ambulance got the call, so Jeff, Jensen, Tom and Kyle headed out, Kyle behind the wheel of the engine, following Alix and Jared in the ambulance.
There was some minor chaos at the scene - cops directing traffic around the two vehicles, one of which had run a red light, smashing in the left rear side of the other, curious onlookers on the sidewalks and the accident victims themselves.
Jensen was out of the rig almost before it stopped moving, assessing the situation. The blue Ford Mustang had hit the green Subaru Outback, smashing in the hood, the engine smoking. Jensen could see the car held only one passenger, a male driver, who was moving slightly.
The Subaru’s left rear door and quarter panel were smashed, but the damage wasn’t as severe as it was on the Mustang. Jensen could see the female driver and it also looked like there was someone in the backseat, a child perhaps.
“Kyle!” Jeff called, jumping down out of the rig. “Get the reel line and spray down that engine!”
“Right, Cap!” Kyle answered, pulling the hose down.
“Jen! Check the Mustang’s driver!”
“Right, Cap!” Jensen replied, already heading for the blue car.
Alix and Jared had just hopped out of the ambulance, medic bags in hand, and Jensen saw the younger man shoot him a look at Captain Morgan’s order, as Jared was starting to head that way himself.
Alix pulled on the sleeve of Jared’s turnout coat. “C’mon, Jared. Jen’s got it covered.”
Jared nodded, still looking at Jensen, then turned his attention to the damaged car and its occupants.
Jensen crouched down next to the open window of the Mustang. The male driver, about 22 years old, was sitting with his head back against the seat, looking stunned, with a small trickle of blood coming from his nose from the airbag impact.
“Sir? Are you injured?” Jensen asked, hearing Alix’s voice telling Jeff the door was jammed and Jeff telling Tom to get the pry bar.
“I - I don’t think so,” the man replied. “Well, my neck hurts some…”
“Okay, I want you to sit right there and not move around,” Jensen told the man, then stood up.
“Alix!” he yelled. “I need a C-Collar!”
“Gotcha!” she called back, bending down to her medic bag to retrieve the collar, then jogging over to Jensen.
“Thanks,” Jensen said. “How’s yours over there?”
“Mom buckled her daughter into her booster seat, then didn’t bother to put her own seatbelt on.” Alix shook her head. “She’s a bit banged up, small scalp laceration. Daughter’s fine, just scared. Yours?”
“Bloody nose, possible whiplash.”
“Okay, get him in the collar and I’ll be back over in a minute to check him out,” Alix replied then turned around. “Cap! We’ll need the backboard over here!”
Jeff nodded then called for Tom to get it out of the back of the ambulance.
Jensen got the collar on the driver of the Mustang then stepped back when Alix returned.
“Can you walk Mom over to the bus, Jen? Gonna take her in and get that scalp laceration stitched up.”
“Sure thing, Alix,” Jensen answered as she and Tom prepared to get the driver of the Mustang out and on the backboard.
As Jensen walked over to the Subaru, he saw Jared standing on the opposite side, a crying little girl in his arms, rubbing her back soothingly.
“It’s okay, Alli,” Jared was saying to the little girl. “You’re all right, don’t cry. Your mom’s right here. You’ll see her in a minute. Shhh…”
And with a few more hiccupping breaths, little Alli did indeed start to calm down, laying her head on Jared’s shoulder.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Jared smiled, rocking back and forth, looking up from the little girl, right at Jensen.
And as Jensen watched Jared interact so smoothly with the little girl, he felt his heart clench at the knowledge that he could never have a relationship with this kind, compassionate man and he had to turn away from Jared’s gaze.
“Ma’am? Can you stand up and come with me?” Jensen asked the mother. “We’re going to take you to the hospital to get that stitched up for you.”
She stood, holding on to Jensen’s arm, and he could feel her hand shaking. “My daughter. Where’s Alli?” she asked, a scared tremor in her voice.
“She’s fine, ma’am. She’s right here,” Jensen assured her. “She’s in good hands,” he finished softly, locking eyes with Jared. “She’s in good hands…”
~~~~~
Jared and Alix got another run much later that night, possible heart attack, and it was just after 11 pm when Jensen heard the bay door open, on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth before climbing into bed.
Toby had just finished up at the sinks, leaving Jensen alone in the bathroom. He was wiping his mouth with a paper towel when he heard the door swing open. He looked up into the mirror - and saw Jared. And from the look in the young medic’s eyes and the set of his jaw, Jensen knew they were headed for the confrontation he’d been dreading.
“We need to talk,” Jared said firmly, walking toward Jensen.
Jensen turned from the sinks to face Jared. “No. We don’t,” he replied, just as strongly.
“You owe me an explanation, dammit,” Jared countered, and Jensen could sense the hurt under his words.
Hardening himself, he flung his reply at the young man. “I was drunk. It was nothing but a mistake, sleeping with you. End of story.”
Jared shook his head. “No. No, I’m not buying that. You never would’ve called me on Sunday if that was true.”
Knowing he was caught, Jensen floundered for a moment before finding his voice, softer this time. “Jared…nothing more can happen between us. So just let it go. Please.”
“I don’t understand. Why are you acting like this?” Jared asked plaintively, taking another step toward Jensen, reaching out to touch him. “What’s going - “
The door to the bathroom opened at that moment and Tom walked in, dressed in only his boxers, a towel over his shoulder. Jared immediately dropped his hand and took a step back from Jensen, as they both averted their gaze from one another. It was obvious from the look on Tom’s face that he knew he’d just interrupted something, but before he could speak, Jared was brushing past him, out of the bathroom.
Jensen sighed and turned back to the sink, bracing his arms on it and hanging his head. Tom walked up beside him a moment later.
“Want to tell me what that was all about?” Tom asked.
“Nothing,” Jensen muttered.
“Certainly didn’t look like nothing. Something going on with you two?” Tom pressed gently. “You haven’t even known him for 24 hours yet and you’ve pretty much been avoiding him since he got here. Something about him just rubbing you the wrong way?”
Jensen hesitated for a minute, then decided to confide in his friend. He blew out a long breath then straightened up, turning to face Tom.
“Actually…we’ve known each other longer than 24 hours,” he confessed.
Tom blinked. “You…what?”
“Remember when I said I wasn’t alone on Saturday?”
Tom nodded. “Yeah…” Then his eyes widened. “You don’t mean…? You were with Jared? How…I mean - “
Jensen glanced away from his friend. “I picked him up at Casey’s.”
“You picked him up? You mean you…?”
“Yes, Tom, we fucked each other,” Jensen confirmed bluntly.
“What were you thinking?” Tom hissed. “Sleeping with some guy you don’t even know? You’re lucky he wasn’t some psycho and killed you!”
“God dammit, Tom! I was lonely! I was hurting and I was lonely. I miss Ryan so fucking much…” Jensen swallowed deeply. “And with Saturday the anniversary of his death…I just wasn’t thinking straight, okay? I’d had too much to drink and he was interested and I just wanted to pretend…”
Tom sighed and reached out and squeezed Jensen’s shoulder. “So I take it from what I saw in here things didn’t go so well that night?”
Jensen gave a rueful chuckle. “Actually, it was just the opposite. I even spent the night. He gave me his number and I called him yesterday.”
“Hang on, I don’t understand. Why are you avoiding him like the plague, then?”
“Because the one thing we neglected to talk about was our jobs!” Jensen pushed angrily away from the sink, his back to Tom. “I told him today there can’t be anything between us.”
Tom was silent for a long minute, then asked softly, “Do you like him? You must if you called him.”
Jensen whirled around. “It doesn’t matter if I like him or not. He’s a paramedic.”
“Ah, Jen…don’t do this to yourself. Ryan was a fireman - “
“We’re ALL firemen, Tom! The medics are in just as much danger as we are. Half the time they’re rushing in right behind us into some burning, collapsing building to pull someone out. Or they’re pulling up on a gang-banger bleeding in the street while bullets are still flying,” Jensen finished, pulling in a deep breath.
“Do you think Ryan would’ve wanted this for you?” Tom asked gently. “For you to be alone and unhappy? Or do you think he would want you to move on? Not to forget him, but just to find someone that makes you happy again.”
Jensen stared at Tom, throat working against the emotions threatening to smother him. Finally, he shook his head, his voice rough.
“I already lost someone I loved to this job. I won’t go through that again. I can’t.”
Then he was pushing past Tom, out of the bathroom, swiping angrily at his moisture filled eyes.
He leaned against the wall next to the doorway leading into the dorm, taking a minute to get himself back under control before heading in, knowing what he’d find. And sure enough, Jared was lying there in his bed on his side, facing Jensen’s bed, wide awake, his expression hurt and angry and confused.
Jensen looked away from him without a word, climbing into bed, facing away from Jared, but he still felt the young man’s eyes boring into his back until he finally fell into an uneasy sleep hours later.
~~~~~
Jensen’s next shift was two days later, following Station 127’s “24-hour-on / 48-hour-off” shift schedule. He’d thought being away from Jared for those two days would help, that he could get a handle on his feelings for the other man and push them away, bury them deep and get on with his life.
But his efforts were in vain, with Jared invading his thoughts more than once throughout those two days, at night especially as he lay in his bed, helpless to stop the dreams that replayed last Saturday and Sunday.
So instead of walking into the station for his next shift with a clear head, able to look Jared in the eye, confident in his decision to end things between them before they really had a chance to get started, he instead did his best to once again avoid the young medic.
It was just after lunch, and Jensen had retreated to the common room with almost everyone else, settling himself into one of the chairs, textbook in hand, studying. Daniel and Tom started up a rousing game of foosball while Jeff and Jared turned on the TV and flipped through various sections of the newspaper.
“Hey, Jen, how’re your classes goin’?” Jeff asked a few minutes later.
“Kinda tough, Cap,” Jensen admitted. “Got a test tomorrow.”
“You should let Jared quiz you,” Jeff suggested, and both Jensen and Jared’s heads shot up.
Jeff looked over at Jared. “Jen’s studying to be a paramedic,” he explained.
Jared’s eyes widened and he turned to Jensen. “You’ve got your EMT certification?”
“Yep. Got it last year,” Jensen answered.
“So that’s why you were helping out at the accident the other day,” Jared said and Jensen nodded in response.
“Why don’t you two go use my office? It’s quieter in there,” Jeff told them.
“I’m good, Cap, really,” Jensen said quickly. “And besides, Alix has been helping me out.”
“She’s down inventorying the supplies in the bus,” Jeff replied. “Now go on and get in there with Jared.”
Jensen’s jaw muscle twitched, knowing there was nothing else he could say, no good reason he could give why he didn’t want to be alone with Jared. So all he could do was nod. “Sure, Cap,” he finally said, standing, as Jared did the same.
“Do you need to do any practicals?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, ET tube.”
“Ok, I’ll get my bag and you get the dummy.”
They were both back upstairs a few minutes later, walking into Jeff’s office, shutting the door behind them. Immediately a strained, awkward silence descended upon the room as they sat down at the small table.
“So…” Jared started after a few long moments passed. “Why do you want to be a paramedic?”
Jensen shrugged. “Same reason as you, I guess. Being a fireman is great and I love it, I just want to do more. Help people more, you know? I got a taste of it doing my ride-a-longs for my EMT certification and I know that it’s what I really wanna do.”
Jared nodded, smiling. “It really is an amazing feeling, isn’t it? Knowing you’re helping to save someone’s life.”
Jensen couldn’t help but return the smile. “Yeah. Scary, though, too.”
Jared sobered. “Yeah, sometimes you can’t save everyone.”
“You’ve lost someone?”
“A few,” Jared replied. “It never gets any easier.”
Silence reigned for a beat until Jensen spoke again. “You, uh…you were really good with that little girl last shift. The car accident.”
Jared chuckled. “Thanks. Some say it’s because I’m not that far removed in age myself.” Jensen smiled as Jared continued. “So…we’d better get to work before we get another run, eh?”
“Yeah, good idea,” Jensen replied, sliding his textbook across the table. “The test is on chapters five and six.”
Jared quizzed Jensen for the next twenty minutes with Jensen feeling more and more relaxed around Jared, but at the same time his heart ached because he could never have more with him than the tentative friendship he felt they were just starting to form.
Jared shut the textbook and leaned back in the chair. “Great job, man. You really know this stuff.”
Jensen gave him a small smile at the praise. “Thanks. And umm, thanks for taking the time to do this with me.”
“No problem. Ready to do the practical?”
“Yeah, sure,” Jensen replied, retrieving the dummy and laying it on the table as Jared opened up his medic bag and pulled out the ET tube.
Jensen positioned himself at the head of the dummy, looking straight down into its face and Jared handed him the required equipment.
“Now show me your mad intubation skills,” Jared smirked and Jensen shook his head, then turned serious, looking back down at the dummy, bending over slightly.
Jared shifted, standing half next to and half behind Jensen, looking over his shoulder to observe Jensen’s technique. Jensen could feel Jared’s soft breath next to his face and it immediately unnerved him, having Jared this close to him.
Distracted by Jared’s close presence, Jensen wasn’t able to do the procedure correctly and Jared stopped him.
“No, like this,” Jared started to explain, voice low in Jensen’s ear. He raised his large hands up, sliding them slowly down Jensen’s forearms, stopping at the wrist, and Jensen couldn’t stop the shiver at Jared’s actions, his body starting to react to the younger man.
Jared guided Jensen’s hands, moving the ET tube into the correct position, moving closer to Jensen, his legs now touching the backs of Jensen’s. “You’ve got to visualize the vocal cords,” Jared told Jensen, his voice another low rumble next to Jensen’s ear. “And then…insert it…just like that…” he finished in a rough whisper.
And then Jensen couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, when Jared dropped his hands to Jensen’s waist, squeezing slightly, bringing their bodies into closer contact. Jensen swallowed, knowing what Jared was doing, and he turned his head to tell him no.
“Why are you fighting this?” Jared whispered, warm breath on Jensen’s face an instant before Jared’s lips brushed Jensen’s own.
Deep down Jensen couldn’t deny that he wanted this, wanted Jared, until the remembered pain of losing Ryan flooded through him at the touch of Jared’s lips, and he pushed away, Jared stumbling backwards.
He practically ran from Jeff’s office, throwing open the door, startling Tom, sitting on the couch, the only one left in the common room. He saw Tom’s brow furrow, heard Jared calling his name, but he didn’t stop, striding over to the fire pole and sliding down.
His breath hitching in his chest, Jensen walked out of the front of the station into the sunshine and in one fluid move, turned and slammed his fist into the bay door.
~~~~~
Later the next night, Jensen was still nursing sore knuckles as he sat in his living room, beer in hand, watching the rain fall outside, thinking about everything and nothing, wishing it was more of the latter.
A knock at his door roused him from his musings and he set his beer aside, rising to answer it - and was startled to see Jared standing on the other side when he opened it.
“How did you know - ?”
“Tom told me where you lived. Can I come in?”
Jensen blew out a breath, hesitating, before reluctantly letting Jared inside.
“What do you want, Jared?” Jensen asked wearily, shutting the door.
Jared turned toward him, looking unsure, running a hand through his rain damp hair. “Who’s Ryan?” he finally asked, quietly. “Tom said I needed to ask you about him. That it would explain things.”
Taken aback by the unexpected question, Jensen could only stare at Jared for a long moment. An internal decision made, that it was time Jared did know, so he’d stop pursuing him, Jensen walked past Jared and picked up a photograph from the end table.
He stared at Ryan’s smiling face for a long time before walking over to the window, looking out at the rain, his back to Jared.
“Ryan and I - we loved each other,” Jensen started, still not looking at Jared, voice low. “We were together for almost three years. He worked at the station, on the engine with me. Things were great, they were perfect. He moved in with me here six months before - before it happened.” Jensen paused, taking a deep breath.
“We got a call for a warehouse fire this time last year,” Jensen continued. “Three alarm, close by the station, we were the first company there. Ryan and I were each on an inch and a half hose, Ryan in the lead. We were pretty deep inside the building when my air tank alarm went off. Someone had screwed up that afternoon and hadn’t checked them. The other companies hadn’t gotten there yet and I didn’t want to leave Ryan alone.” Again Jensen paused, swallowing past the lump in his throat and felt the first, silent tear slip free.
“But Ryan was yelling at me, that I wouldn’t be any good if I couldn’t breathe and to get out,” Jensen went on, his voice breaking. “I had just cleared the doors when the explosion tore the building apart. I felt the heat on my back before I was lifted up off my feet and thrown 20 feet. I tried to get back in the building but the guys held me back.” Jensen’s throat worked convulsively. “Ryan was gone and there was nothing I could do,” he finished, pain and loss coloring every word.
He turned now to face Jared, not bothering to wipe away his tear tracks. “I can’t put myself through that again, Jared. What we do, it’s too fucking dangerous. I learned that the hard way, and I will NEVER go through that again. Losing Ryan, it damn near killed me. So please, just let this go,” he pleaded. “I won’t let myself fall for you. I can’t.”
“Jensen - “ Jared took a step forward, his own eyes bright with moisture.
Jensen shook his head. “No. Please, Jared, just go. Please.”
The only sound in the apartment was the rain hitting the window as the two men regarded each other silently, hurt and pain radiating off of one, sympathy and compassion from the other, until Jared turned and wordlessly left Jensen alone in his apartment, holding Ryan’s photo to his chest.
~~~~~
PART 3.. (only one more part to go! Will Jensen and Jared ever find happiness? Click the link to find out!)
Author: agt_spooky
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5,580 (this part) / 19,700 (total for three parts)
Genre: Firefighter AU, Angst, First-time
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: It’s RPS, people. It never happened, but I wish it would. :-)
Author’s Notes: Many thanks, as always, to my fabulous beta, charityflint, who always makes my stories better. :-)
Summary: In New York, two men meet under unusual circumstances, and find themselves falling for each other. But when Jensen Ackles learns who Jared Padalecki really is, it all comes crashing down. Can Jared convince Jensen to open up his heart and take a chance on love again, despite who Jared is?
(banner created by agt_spooky)
Author's Notes 2: This story was born out of my love for the shows Emergency! and Third Watch and any references to them are entirely intentional. :-)
FROM PART ONE:
“So hey, can I call you tomorrow night?” Jared asked tentatively.
Jensen smiled into the phone. “Yeah, I’d like that. ‘Night, Jared.”
“Awesome. ‘Night, Jensen.”
As Jensen hung up the phone he felt something loosen inside his chest, like the door to his heart had opened once again.
PART TWO
Monday morning dawned bright and hot and Jensen was trying to eat a piece of toast, stuff his books and civilian clothes into his bag and get dressed at the same time. He swallowed down the last of the bread, wiped a blob of grape jelly off one of his textbooks and turned to his closet to get dressed.
He smiled as he pulled out his black shoes, navy blue slacks and then his shirt - his navy blue polo with J.ACKLES embroidered in white on the right breast, and the FDNY crest embroidered in white on the left breast, with STATION 127 in the middle of the crest.
He dressed quickly in his uniform, pausing to run a hand through his hair and check his collar in the mirror, then he was sweeping his duffle bag from his bed and heading out the door.
It was a five block walk from his apartment to the station house and Jensen covered the distance quickly. As he turned the corner onto King Boulevard, he couldn’t suppress another smile as he saw the red and white engine pulled halfway out of the bay, gleaming in the sunshine.
Being a fireman in New York these past five years was everything Jensen could’ve asked for. As corny as it sounded, he’d known since childhood he wanted to grow up to be a fireman, and he’d made his dream come true.
The job certainly wasn’t without its risks, and Jensen knew that all too well, but the feeling he got when he pulled someone out of a burning building was something that touched him deep inside. The pay sucked, but when someone who they’d saved stopped by the station to thank them - that was worth more than money.
As he walked up to the station he greeted dark-haired, 32 year-old Kyle Everett, their engineer, and blond, 28 year-old Toby Sanders, who rode the ladder truck, with a smile and a wave as the two men polished the rig. They called out a hello as Jensen walked in the open door of Bay Three and into the apparatus room, past the back end of the engine. Daniel Hoffmann and Shawn Larson were there, mopping the floor, and they looked up as Jensen started to walk past them.
“Ackles!” Daniel called out. “Truck versus engine on the court at 1:30!”
Jensen laughed. There was a standing rivalry in the station - those who rode the engine and those who rode the ladder truck - and the basketball half-court in the rear of the station was their battlefield.
“You’re goin’ down, Danny-boy!” Jensen taunted the 30 year-old sandy-haired man.
“In your dreams, Jenny!” 25 year-old Shawn called back and Jensen gave the red-head a playful one-finger salute in response as he continued past the engine and the truck, parked in Bay Two.
Bay One held the station’s ambulance, more commonly referred to as “the bus,” and 31 year-old Alix Jones, their lone paramedic at the moment, was sitting in the back with the doors open, a clipboard in her hand. Alix’s partner had transferred to another station a week ago and other medics from different shifts had been picking up overtime, riding with Alix until they got a new paramedic, which was supposed to be any day now.
“Yo, Alix!” Jensen greeted her, stopping to playfully smack at her clipboard.
Alix whacked him on the arm, then smiled. “Heya, Jen. How’s things?”
“Not too bad, Alix. How ‘bout you?”
She shrugged. “Can’t complain. Oh, Tommy’s looking for you. He’s upstairs in the kitchen.”
“Great, thanks,” he answered, turning to go.
“Don’t forget to look at the duty roster,” she smirked, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear, and Jensen groaned. That could only mean one thing. He had latrine duty. Yep, it was definitely a Monday.
Station 127 was three stories tall - the apparatus room on the ground floor, the common room, the kitchen and the Captain’s office on the second floor, and the dorms, the locker rooms and bathrooms on the third floor. And the station was old enough to have an honest to god fire pole running from top to bottom. Which Jensen used as often as possible, his inner child getting a thrill each time he slid down.
Jensen made his way up the stairs to the second floor, catching sight of their boss, Captain Jeff Morgan, on the phone in his office as he stopped to look at the duty roster on the bulletin board. Yep, latrine duty. Great.
He strode into the kitchen next, spying his best friend, Tom Welling, standing in front of the refrigerator, making a list for their grocery run later that day. He stepped up behind his taller, dark haired friend and smacked a hand on his back.
“Hey man!” he greeted Tom with a smile.
Tom turned, blinking at Jensen’s sunny attitude. “Hey to you, too. What’s got you in such a good mood on a Monday?”
Jensen shrugged. “Just had a good weekend.”
Tom’s brow furrowed in confusion. “You did? I thought with Saturday being…” he trailed off.
“Actually, it turned out to be okay.”
“I’m glad, man. I was worried about you, wishing you’d have taken me and Jamie up on our offer to spend the evening with us. Didn’t want you to be alone.”
“Thanks again for that, Tommy. I appreciated the offer. But…I ended up not being alone after all.”
Tom’s eyebrows rose at Jensen’s small smile. “Oh? Something you wanna tell me, buddy?” he grinned.
Jensen shook his head. “Not right now,” he replied, then paused. “Actually, there is something I wanna say. Switch duties with me today, Tommy?”
Tom crossed his arms in front of his chest, an amused expression on his face. “Gosh, let me guess - bathroom? Nuh-uh, sorry, Jen. I switched with you twice in the last five shifts.” He clapped Jensen on the shoulder. “There’s a mop upstairs with your name on it. Have fun!”
With a chuckle he turned back to the fridge as Jensen groaned theatrically and hung his head before leaving the kitchen to go upstairs.
~~~~~
An hour later Jensen was back in the now-empty kitchen, taking a break after cleaning the showers and the sinks, rummaging in the fridge for a soda before heading back upstairs to mop the floors.
He’d only taken a few swallows of the cold drink when he heard a burst of loud laughter from several voices drift up from downstairs. When it happened again a moment later, Jensen’s curiosity got the better of him and he stepped into the hallway, grabbed the gold fire pole and slid down….
…and felt his world tilt so violently at what he saw downstairs he had to reach out and grab the pole to keep from falling.
There, standing among his entire crew, laughing and smiling, was Jared. Dressed in an FDNY blue paramedics uniform.
Jensen’s heart dropped into his stomach and settled there like a lead weight, his mind still trying to process what he was seeing, even as his chest clenched up. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening…
He stood there, frozen, until Captain Morgan’s head turned just enough that he spied Jensen out of the corner of his eye and waved to him.
“Jen! Come over here and meet our new paramedic,” Jeff called out, and Jensen had no choice but to put one foot in front of the other, until he was face to face with the man he’d had sex with just yesterday.
He’d seen Jared’s eyes widen the moment he caught sight of Jensen, clearly shocked to see him, then his face broke out in a huge smile and he stuck out his hand.
“Jared Padalecki. Nice to meet you.”
Keeping up appearances, Jensen returned the handshake, mumbling, “Jensen Ackles.”
“Jen, do me a favor and give Jared the tour, will you?” Jeff said. “I’ve got a mound of paperwork to get to.”
“Haven’t finished the bathroom yet, Cap,” Jensen replied, trying to get out of the request.
“It’s not going anywhere,” Jeff smiled. “Go on, show him around.” Then he turned to the rest of the crew and clapped his hands together. “Ok, people, back to work!”
The little group broke up, with handshakes and pats on the back to Jared as everyone went back to what they’d been doing, leaving Jensen and Jared alone. They simply stared at one another for several heartbeats before Jensen broke eye contact, mumbling, “C’mon,” before walking further into the station.
In a flat, monotone voice, mind still whirling, Jensen showed Jared the apparatus room, pointing out various things and then took him into the equipment room, where he took a minute to look Jared up and down.
There was no denying that Jared looked incredible in his uniform. The navy blue pants and short-sleeved, button down shirt fit him perfectly, the overall effect making him look even taller, if that was possible. His silver EMS pins gleamed on his collar, and the patches on his sleeves, one the FDNY crest and the other the Paramedic’s crest, stood out in stark relief against the blue fabric. As did the J. PADALECKI embroidered on the right breast.
Jensen shook his head slightly, bringing himself back from his thoughts, to see Jared staring at him with an amused expression on his face.
“Alix will have to get you your turnout gear,” Jensen said gruffly, hooking a thumb to the right side of the equipment room. While the firemen wore black helmets and black turnout gear with yellow reflective tape, the paramedics wore blue gear with white reflective tape and red helmets.
“Okay, sure,” Jared replied, his amusement still showing and Jensen felt sick to his stomach as he turned and led the way upstairs.
“This is the common room,” he said, voice still flat, arm sweeping out in front of him to encompass the TV set, couches, foosball table and air hockey table.
“Nice,” Jared said, nodding his head. “Better than San Antonio, that’s for sure.”
“Kitchen’s that way.” Jensen indicated, pointing across the hall. “And that’s the Captain’s office. Duty roster and drill schedule is posted on the bulletin board next to his office.”
Jared nodded again and fell in behind Jensen as they went up to the third floor.
“Here’s the bathroom and locker room. Just pick any empty locker. And here’s the dorm.”
The two men walked inside the fairly large room that held twelve beds in an open-style dorm. The station was too old to have the modern, individual cubicles with curtains, just an open room with short half walls that separated every two beds.
Jensen led Jared over to an empty one, which of course, since the universe hated him, was right next to his own.
“This’ll be yours,” he told Jared, voice tight, wanting nothing more than to be away from this man, needing to be by himself.
Why? Why was this happening to him? Just when he thought he could start to move ahead with his life again, finally meeting someone he felt he could have a relationship with…and it all came crashing down with the appearance of a blue uniform. What had he done so fucking wrong in his life to deserve this torture not once, but twice now? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fucking fair.
Jared was smiling at him, shaking his head. “God, Jensen, I can’t believe this. We never even talked about our jobs.” He took a step toward Jensen, reaching out to touch him. “What are the chances - “
Jared cut himself off, confusion evident on his face as Jensen took a step back, shaking his head.
“This weekend was a mistake,” Jensen stated, voice hard, masking his inner turmoil. “It was just sex and it’ll never happen again. There’s never going to be anything between us.”
His stomach twisting in knots at his lie, Jensen abruptly turned on his heel and left the room, but not before seeing the shock and hurt cross Jared’s face.
~~~~~
For the remainder of the morning and into the afternoon, Jensen made sure he wasn’t by himself, not giving Jared an opportunity to confront him. He either stayed in the common room with a couple of the guys, his head buried in one of his textbooks, or busied himself with his station duties and even went on the grocery run with Tom. Luckily for him, Jared was kept occupied by Alix, going over the bus, procedures, etc. but whenever they were in the same room together, Jensen felt Jared’s eyes burning into him.
They got a run in the early evening, right after dinner - traffic accident a few blocks away. Only the engine and ambulance got the call, so Jeff, Jensen, Tom and Kyle headed out, Kyle behind the wheel of the engine, following Alix and Jared in the ambulance.
There was some minor chaos at the scene - cops directing traffic around the two vehicles, one of which had run a red light, smashing in the left rear side of the other, curious onlookers on the sidewalks and the accident victims themselves.
Jensen was out of the rig almost before it stopped moving, assessing the situation. The blue Ford Mustang had hit the green Subaru Outback, smashing in the hood, the engine smoking. Jensen could see the car held only one passenger, a male driver, who was moving slightly.
The Subaru’s left rear door and quarter panel were smashed, but the damage wasn’t as severe as it was on the Mustang. Jensen could see the female driver and it also looked like there was someone in the backseat, a child perhaps.
“Kyle!” Jeff called, jumping down out of the rig. “Get the reel line and spray down that engine!”
“Right, Cap!” Kyle answered, pulling the hose down.
“Jen! Check the Mustang’s driver!”
“Right, Cap!” Jensen replied, already heading for the blue car.
Alix and Jared had just hopped out of the ambulance, medic bags in hand, and Jensen saw the younger man shoot him a look at Captain Morgan’s order, as Jared was starting to head that way himself.
Alix pulled on the sleeve of Jared’s turnout coat. “C’mon, Jared. Jen’s got it covered.”
Jared nodded, still looking at Jensen, then turned his attention to the damaged car and its occupants.
Jensen crouched down next to the open window of the Mustang. The male driver, about 22 years old, was sitting with his head back against the seat, looking stunned, with a small trickle of blood coming from his nose from the airbag impact.
“Sir? Are you injured?” Jensen asked, hearing Alix’s voice telling Jeff the door was jammed and Jeff telling Tom to get the pry bar.
“I - I don’t think so,” the man replied. “Well, my neck hurts some…”
“Okay, I want you to sit right there and not move around,” Jensen told the man, then stood up.
“Alix!” he yelled. “I need a C-Collar!”
“Gotcha!” she called back, bending down to her medic bag to retrieve the collar, then jogging over to Jensen.
“Thanks,” Jensen said. “How’s yours over there?”
“Mom buckled her daughter into her booster seat, then didn’t bother to put her own seatbelt on.” Alix shook her head. “She’s a bit banged up, small scalp laceration. Daughter’s fine, just scared. Yours?”
“Bloody nose, possible whiplash.”
“Okay, get him in the collar and I’ll be back over in a minute to check him out,” Alix replied then turned around. “Cap! We’ll need the backboard over here!”
Jeff nodded then called for Tom to get it out of the back of the ambulance.
Jensen got the collar on the driver of the Mustang then stepped back when Alix returned.
“Can you walk Mom over to the bus, Jen? Gonna take her in and get that scalp laceration stitched up.”
“Sure thing, Alix,” Jensen answered as she and Tom prepared to get the driver of the Mustang out and on the backboard.
As Jensen walked over to the Subaru, he saw Jared standing on the opposite side, a crying little girl in his arms, rubbing her back soothingly.
“It’s okay, Alli,” Jared was saying to the little girl. “You’re all right, don’t cry. Your mom’s right here. You’ll see her in a minute. Shhh…”
And with a few more hiccupping breaths, little Alli did indeed start to calm down, laying her head on Jared’s shoulder.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Jared smiled, rocking back and forth, looking up from the little girl, right at Jensen.
And as Jensen watched Jared interact so smoothly with the little girl, he felt his heart clench at the knowledge that he could never have a relationship with this kind, compassionate man and he had to turn away from Jared’s gaze.
“Ma’am? Can you stand up and come with me?” Jensen asked the mother. “We’re going to take you to the hospital to get that stitched up for you.”
She stood, holding on to Jensen’s arm, and he could feel her hand shaking. “My daughter. Where’s Alli?” she asked, a scared tremor in her voice.
“She’s fine, ma’am. She’s right here,” Jensen assured her. “She’s in good hands,” he finished softly, locking eyes with Jared. “She’s in good hands…”
~~~~~
Jared and Alix got another run much later that night, possible heart attack, and it was just after 11 pm when Jensen heard the bay door open, on his way to the bathroom to brush his teeth before climbing into bed.
Toby had just finished up at the sinks, leaving Jensen alone in the bathroom. He was wiping his mouth with a paper towel when he heard the door swing open. He looked up into the mirror - and saw Jared. And from the look in the young medic’s eyes and the set of his jaw, Jensen knew they were headed for the confrontation he’d been dreading.
“We need to talk,” Jared said firmly, walking toward Jensen.
Jensen turned from the sinks to face Jared. “No. We don’t,” he replied, just as strongly.
“You owe me an explanation, dammit,” Jared countered, and Jensen could sense the hurt under his words.
Hardening himself, he flung his reply at the young man. “I was drunk. It was nothing but a mistake, sleeping with you. End of story.”
Jared shook his head. “No. No, I’m not buying that. You never would’ve called me on Sunday if that was true.”
Knowing he was caught, Jensen floundered for a moment before finding his voice, softer this time. “Jared…nothing more can happen between us. So just let it go. Please.”
“I don’t understand. Why are you acting like this?” Jared asked plaintively, taking another step toward Jensen, reaching out to touch him. “What’s going - “
The door to the bathroom opened at that moment and Tom walked in, dressed in only his boxers, a towel over his shoulder. Jared immediately dropped his hand and took a step back from Jensen, as they both averted their gaze from one another. It was obvious from the look on Tom’s face that he knew he’d just interrupted something, but before he could speak, Jared was brushing past him, out of the bathroom.
Jensen sighed and turned back to the sink, bracing his arms on it and hanging his head. Tom walked up beside him a moment later.
“Want to tell me what that was all about?” Tom asked.
“Nothing,” Jensen muttered.
“Certainly didn’t look like nothing. Something going on with you two?” Tom pressed gently. “You haven’t even known him for 24 hours yet and you’ve pretty much been avoiding him since he got here. Something about him just rubbing you the wrong way?”
Jensen hesitated for a minute, then decided to confide in his friend. He blew out a long breath then straightened up, turning to face Tom.
“Actually…we’ve known each other longer than 24 hours,” he confessed.
Tom blinked. “You…what?”
“Remember when I said I wasn’t alone on Saturday?”
Tom nodded. “Yeah…” Then his eyes widened. “You don’t mean…? You were with Jared? How…I mean - “
Jensen glanced away from his friend. “I picked him up at Casey’s.”
“You picked him up? You mean you…?”
“Yes, Tom, we fucked each other,” Jensen confirmed bluntly.
“What were you thinking?” Tom hissed. “Sleeping with some guy you don’t even know? You’re lucky he wasn’t some psycho and killed you!”
“God dammit, Tom! I was lonely! I was hurting and I was lonely. I miss Ryan so fucking much…” Jensen swallowed deeply. “And with Saturday the anniversary of his death…I just wasn’t thinking straight, okay? I’d had too much to drink and he was interested and I just wanted to pretend…”
Tom sighed and reached out and squeezed Jensen’s shoulder. “So I take it from what I saw in here things didn’t go so well that night?”
Jensen gave a rueful chuckle. “Actually, it was just the opposite. I even spent the night. He gave me his number and I called him yesterday.”
“Hang on, I don’t understand. Why are you avoiding him like the plague, then?”
“Because the one thing we neglected to talk about was our jobs!” Jensen pushed angrily away from the sink, his back to Tom. “I told him today there can’t be anything between us.”
Tom was silent for a long minute, then asked softly, “Do you like him? You must if you called him.”
Jensen whirled around. “It doesn’t matter if I like him or not. He’s a paramedic.”
“Ah, Jen…don’t do this to yourself. Ryan was a fireman - “
“We’re ALL firemen, Tom! The medics are in just as much danger as we are. Half the time they’re rushing in right behind us into some burning, collapsing building to pull someone out. Or they’re pulling up on a gang-banger bleeding in the street while bullets are still flying,” Jensen finished, pulling in a deep breath.
“Do you think Ryan would’ve wanted this for you?” Tom asked gently. “For you to be alone and unhappy? Or do you think he would want you to move on? Not to forget him, but just to find someone that makes you happy again.”
Jensen stared at Tom, throat working against the emotions threatening to smother him. Finally, he shook his head, his voice rough.
“I already lost someone I loved to this job. I won’t go through that again. I can’t.”
Then he was pushing past Tom, out of the bathroom, swiping angrily at his moisture filled eyes.
He leaned against the wall next to the doorway leading into the dorm, taking a minute to get himself back under control before heading in, knowing what he’d find. And sure enough, Jared was lying there in his bed on his side, facing Jensen’s bed, wide awake, his expression hurt and angry and confused.
Jensen looked away from him without a word, climbing into bed, facing away from Jared, but he still felt the young man’s eyes boring into his back until he finally fell into an uneasy sleep hours later.
~~~~~
Jensen’s next shift was two days later, following Station 127’s “24-hour-on / 48-hour-off” shift schedule. He’d thought being away from Jared for those two days would help, that he could get a handle on his feelings for the other man and push them away, bury them deep and get on with his life.
But his efforts were in vain, with Jared invading his thoughts more than once throughout those two days, at night especially as he lay in his bed, helpless to stop the dreams that replayed last Saturday and Sunday.
So instead of walking into the station for his next shift with a clear head, able to look Jared in the eye, confident in his decision to end things between them before they really had a chance to get started, he instead did his best to once again avoid the young medic.
It was just after lunch, and Jensen had retreated to the common room with almost everyone else, settling himself into one of the chairs, textbook in hand, studying. Daniel and Tom started up a rousing game of foosball while Jeff and Jared turned on the TV and flipped through various sections of the newspaper.
“Hey, Jen, how’re your classes goin’?” Jeff asked a few minutes later.
“Kinda tough, Cap,” Jensen admitted. “Got a test tomorrow.”
“You should let Jared quiz you,” Jeff suggested, and both Jensen and Jared’s heads shot up.
Jeff looked over at Jared. “Jen’s studying to be a paramedic,” he explained.
Jared’s eyes widened and he turned to Jensen. “You’ve got your EMT certification?”
“Yep. Got it last year,” Jensen answered.
“So that’s why you were helping out at the accident the other day,” Jared said and Jensen nodded in response.
“Why don’t you two go use my office? It’s quieter in there,” Jeff told them.
“I’m good, Cap, really,” Jensen said quickly. “And besides, Alix has been helping me out.”
“She’s down inventorying the supplies in the bus,” Jeff replied. “Now go on and get in there with Jared.”
Jensen’s jaw muscle twitched, knowing there was nothing else he could say, no good reason he could give why he didn’t want to be alone with Jared. So all he could do was nod. “Sure, Cap,” he finally said, standing, as Jared did the same.
“Do you need to do any practicals?” Jared asked.
“Yeah, ET tube.”
“Ok, I’ll get my bag and you get the dummy.”
They were both back upstairs a few minutes later, walking into Jeff’s office, shutting the door behind them. Immediately a strained, awkward silence descended upon the room as they sat down at the small table.
“So…” Jared started after a few long moments passed. “Why do you want to be a paramedic?”
Jensen shrugged. “Same reason as you, I guess. Being a fireman is great and I love it, I just want to do more. Help people more, you know? I got a taste of it doing my ride-a-longs for my EMT certification and I know that it’s what I really wanna do.”
Jared nodded, smiling. “It really is an amazing feeling, isn’t it? Knowing you’re helping to save someone’s life.”
Jensen couldn’t help but return the smile. “Yeah. Scary, though, too.”
Jared sobered. “Yeah, sometimes you can’t save everyone.”
“You’ve lost someone?”
“A few,” Jared replied. “It never gets any easier.”
Silence reigned for a beat until Jensen spoke again. “You, uh…you were really good with that little girl last shift. The car accident.”
Jared chuckled. “Thanks. Some say it’s because I’m not that far removed in age myself.” Jensen smiled as Jared continued. “So…we’d better get to work before we get another run, eh?”
“Yeah, good idea,” Jensen replied, sliding his textbook across the table. “The test is on chapters five and six.”
Jared quizzed Jensen for the next twenty minutes with Jensen feeling more and more relaxed around Jared, but at the same time his heart ached because he could never have more with him than the tentative friendship he felt they were just starting to form.
Jared shut the textbook and leaned back in the chair. “Great job, man. You really know this stuff.”
Jensen gave him a small smile at the praise. “Thanks. And umm, thanks for taking the time to do this with me.”
“No problem. Ready to do the practical?”
“Yeah, sure,” Jensen replied, retrieving the dummy and laying it on the table as Jared opened up his medic bag and pulled out the ET tube.
Jensen positioned himself at the head of the dummy, looking straight down into its face and Jared handed him the required equipment.
“Now show me your mad intubation skills,” Jared smirked and Jensen shook his head, then turned serious, looking back down at the dummy, bending over slightly.
Jared shifted, standing half next to and half behind Jensen, looking over his shoulder to observe Jensen’s technique. Jensen could feel Jared’s soft breath next to his face and it immediately unnerved him, having Jared this close to him.
Distracted by Jared’s close presence, Jensen wasn’t able to do the procedure correctly and Jared stopped him.
“No, like this,” Jared started to explain, voice low in Jensen’s ear. He raised his large hands up, sliding them slowly down Jensen’s forearms, stopping at the wrist, and Jensen couldn’t stop the shiver at Jared’s actions, his body starting to react to the younger man.
Jared guided Jensen’s hands, moving the ET tube into the correct position, moving closer to Jensen, his legs now touching the backs of Jensen’s. “You’ve got to visualize the vocal cords,” Jared told Jensen, his voice another low rumble next to Jensen’s ear. “And then…insert it…just like that…” he finished in a rough whisper.
And then Jensen couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, when Jared dropped his hands to Jensen’s waist, squeezing slightly, bringing their bodies into closer contact. Jensen swallowed, knowing what Jared was doing, and he turned his head to tell him no.
“Why are you fighting this?” Jared whispered, warm breath on Jensen’s face an instant before Jared’s lips brushed Jensen’s own.
Deep down Jensen couldn’t deny that he wanted this, wanted Jared, until the remembered pain of losing Ryan flooded through him at the touch of Jared’s lips, and he pushed away, Jared stumbling backwards.
He practically ran from Jeff’s office, throwing open the door, startling Tom, sitting on the couch, the only one left in the common room. He saw Tom’s brow furrow, heard Jared calling his name, but he didn’t stop, striding over to the fire pole and sliding down.
His breath hitching in his chest, Jensen walked out of the front of the station into the sunshine and in one fluid move, turned and slammed his fist into the bay door.
~~~~~
Later the next night, Jensen was still nursing sore knuckles as he sat in his living room, beer in hand, watching the rain fall outside, thinking about everything and nothing, wishing it was more of the latter.
A knock at his door roused him from his musings and he set his beer aside, rising to answer it - and was startled to see Jared standing on the other side when he opened it.
“How did you know - ?”
“Tom told me where you lived. Can I come in?”
Jensen blew out a breath, hesitating, before reluctantly letting Jared inside.
“What do you want, Jared?” Jensen asked wearily, shutting the door.
Jared turned toward him, looking unsure, running a hand through his rain damp hair. “Who’s Ryan?” he finally asked, quietly. “Tom said I needed to ask you about him. That it would explain things.”
Taken aback by the unexpected question, Jensen could only stare at Jared for a long moment. An internal decision made, that it was time Jared did know, so he’d stop pursuing him, Jensen walked past Jared and picked up a photograph from the end table.
He stared at Ryan’s smiling face for a long time before walking over to the window, looking out at the rain, his back to Jared.
“Ryan and I - we loved each other,” Jensen started, still not looking at Jared, voice low. “We were together for almost three years. He worked at the station, on the engine with me. Things were great, they were perfect. He moved in with me here six months before - before it happened.” Jensen paused, taking a deep breath.
“We got a call for a warehouse fire this time last year,” Jensen continued. “Three alarm, close by the station, we were the first company there. Ryan and I were each on an inch and a half hose, Ryan in the lead. We were pretty deep inside the building when my air tank alarm went off. Someone had screwed up that afternoon and hadn’t checked them. The other companies hadn’t gotten there yet and I didn’t want to leave Ryan alone.” Again Jensen paused, swallowing past the lump in his throat and felt the first, silent tear slip free.
“But Ryan was yelling at me, that I wouldn’t be any good if I couldn’t breathe and to get out,” Jensen went on, his voice breaking. “I had just cleared the doors when the explosion tore the building apart. I felt the heat on my back before I was lifted up off my feet and thrown 20 feet. I tried to get back in the building but the guys held me back.” Jensen’s throat worked convulsively. “Ryan was gone and there was nothing I could do,” he finished, pain and loss coloring every word.
He turned now to face Jared, not bothering to wipe away his tear tracks. “I can’t put myself through that again, Jared. What we do, it’s too fucking dangerous. I learned that the hard way, and I will NEVER go through that again. Losing Ryan, it damn near killed me. So please, just let this go,” he pleaded. “I won’t let myself fall for you. I can’t.”
“Jensen - “ Jared took a step forward, his own eyes bright with moisture.
Jensen shook his head. “No. Please, Jared, just go. Please.”
The only sound in the apartment was the rain hitting the window as the two men regarded each other silently, hurt and pain radiating off of one, sympathy and compassion from the other, until Jared turned and wordlessly left Jensen alone in his apartment, holding Ryan’s photo to his chest.
~~~~~
PART 3.. (only one more part to go! Will Jensen and Jared ever find happiness? Click the link to find out!)